University of Tennessee head basketball coach Bruce Pearl was recently fired from his position on March 21st as a result of holding an inappropriate barbecue for prospective players and families. This event goes against the NCAA’s strict “no-barbecues” clause as stated in section 4.2.0 of the NCAA’s recruiting rules and regulations.
The passage states, “No coach of any men’s Division I athletic team may hold an unofficial event consisting of any public instances of the slow roasting, dry-rubbing, shoulder-pulling, bacon-weaving, or basting of any pork, beef or chicken. Doing so causes an environment of excessive bonding, promise making, sucking up, and the high probability of unacceptable man-love and general ‘bro-ing out’ between recruits and coaches.”
Pearl, in clear violation of this statute, in the presence of high school basketball players, was seen manning the grill, flipping patties and directly injecting barbecue sauce into his meats with a syringe.
On the subject of his ousting, Pearl defended himself by saying, “I know what I did was wrong. I just wanted to give these kids a lunch other than pizza or deli sandwiches. The NCAA needs to move on into the 21st century. The no-barbecue rule comes from a dated time when boys and men were not allowed to share a smoky delicious southern delicacy.”
The rule was put into place in the early 1970s when many American men would hold “block parties” to entice the youth of their neighborhood with scrumptious marinated masterpieces smoked over a well-aged, plump and firm set of logs. Children, hypnotized by the ungodly smells of pure ecstasy, would engage in frivolous activities such as playing tag, hide and seek, throwing balls recklessly and without precision and generally running around like spider monkeys on a serious Red Bull binge.
The NCAA determined that high school students, with some being under the age of eighteen, should not be permitted near coaches in such fun-laden environments that may cloud their better judgment.
Bruce Pearl, who is Jewish, has also been under the scrutiny of his spiritual leaders for handling so much pork at one specific moment. The NCAA would not comment on the potential violations for recruiting his own son, Steven, to the Tennessee basketball team not for nepotism, but rather a quite evident violation of suiting up a severely uncoordinated player in a Division I game.
SEC Men’s Basketball Power Rankings
1. Alabama (6-9, 0-0 SEC)
Alabama comes on top yet again, as they continue to start with A and come in strong with a second letter L. The third A in their name certainly doesn’t hurt their case.
2.Arkansas (8-8, 3-4, 5-6)
Arkansas, a state that no one ever wants to visit, continues to try and bring in some
travelers by placing second on this list. Just barely above Auburn, Arkansas needs some help to catch Alabama in the hunt for the wild card.
3. Auburn (10-20-3-4, Campbell Conference)
Auburn falls short of Alabama yet again in this rivalry to control the dumbass fan
demographic. Also Cam Newton got paid by Taco Bell, come on…
4. deadmau5 ($500)
First of all, deadmau5 is too low on this list. Hey, bro, I think I’m out of ecstasy, but I still love you… AND I LOVE THIS SONG, OH MY GOD!!!!!
5. Florida (?-?)
Timmy Tebow goes to bed every night praying to Jesus and holding a little Alfred plushie. He also wears “Greg Hardy” pajamas according to the paint in the tunnel between Towers East and West.
6. Georgia (13-37)
Georgia still can’t escape the fact that they will never be as good as Florida since G comes after F.
7. Kentucky (4-20)
In addition to having the biggest greaseball of a coach, Kentucky can’t overcome
the letters H I and J that seperate them and #6 Georgia.
8. LSU (1-800-Collect)
LSU may have won that BCS game that year that USC claims to be the champs, but the world’s greatest quarterback was immortalized in a Kanye West song: “got a Trojan in my pocket – Matt Leinart.”
9. Mississippi State (4-5 FG, 1-1 3 pt)
Is this a school?? How are they above Mississippi? Whose crazy idea was this??
10. Ole Miss (Stanley Cup runner-up)
We don’t like them there rebels, so O comes after M in this list. Ever since they ditched Colonel Reb, their mascot has, in spirit, been Admiral Ackbar – the leader of the Rebels.
11. South Carolina (6’5”)
In addition to being way down on this list, their mascot is also named Cocky. COCKY. COCK-Y. COCK. 8===D~~
12. Tennessee (4.184 J/C)
Whether listed as University of Tennessee or Tennessee, this school still ends up here. Bruce Pearl needs to stop cheating and get a new jacket that isn’t barf-orange.
13. Vanderbilt (ELO 1800)
There was never much hope for Vanderbilt to be at the top of this list. We start with a V for crying out loud. We’re not going to do this list in reverse alphabetical order… that’d be silly.
A.J. Ogilvy Graduates to the Big Leagues of the NHL
This past Thursday Vanderbilt’s star center AJ Ogilvy announced that he would skip his final season in the NCAA in order to enter the NBA draft. However an unfortunate clerical error has instead put the 6’ 11’’ Australian up for consideration in the NHL draft.
Ogilvy was reportedly angered by the error at first, but in a recent press conference says he’s looking forward to a change of pace, “I mean in the NHL they don’t even have rebounds, so nobody can get mad a t me for not getting them! Plus apparently in the NHL if you get angry at somebody, you can just hit them in the face. I think I’ll enjoy doing that.”
The NHL says that they’re very glad to have Ogilvy in the draft. According to one NHL representative, “Well, his form raised a few eyebrows when we noticed he wasn’t from Canada, and that he had apparently scored 13 points per game in college. But right now we’ve really only got enough players for the first round so we took him.”
While Ogilvy has spent most of the past three years playing basketball with the commodores, but he feels confident he can figure hockey in time for the June draft. “It shouldn’t be too hard,” says Ogilvy, “From everything I’ve read it just sounds like boxing on skates.”
NHL teams are very excited at the prospect of having Ogilvy on their squad. According to Edmonton Oiler’s coach Pat Quinn, “He’s a really athletic guy and we can really see him being able to step in to any position once he learns to skate. I mean as long as the guy can hold a stick and throw a punch, we can use him.”
Ogilvy would be in good company, as fellow Australian Wayne Gretzky also decided to join up with the NHL on a whim. The Great One recalled fondly, “Yeah I had been running track for LSU and I wanted to play a sport that wouldn’t be so hot. So I joined the NHL because I heard they play on ice… the rest is history.”
Everyone Surprised by Duke’s Win
This year’s NCAA tournament went out with a bang as cinderella story Duke University captured its very first NCAA title this decade. Those following the tournament were already thrilled to see the formerly unknown school reach the Final Four for the first time in well over 5 years. On Monday the Blue Devils finally reached their storybook ending when they took down perennial goliath Butler University.
According to Blue Devil fans, simply making it into this years tournament was a victory in and of itself. Coach Mike Krzyzewski recalls, “The whole campus went nuts on selection Sunday, I mean it had been almost 364 days since any Duke team had made it in to the big dance… they were just ecstatic.”
When the tournament got underway the Blue Devils had only one goal: to prove that they could hang with the best in the nation. The players were all a little star-struck as they took the court against Arkansas- Pine Bluff in the first round, but they were able to overcome the stage fright and somehow put together a 29 point win.
Center Brian Zoubek says that victory boosted his team’s confidence greatly, “I mean, after we saw that we could play with Tavaris Washington and the rest of the Golden Lions, we started to feel like we really belong here.”
As the tournament wore on, many began to wonder just when the clock would strike midnight for these cinderellas, but somehow the Blue Devils kept on winning. They squeaked past Baylor by only the slimmest of double digit margins to make it into the elite eight. Looking back on the tournament run, Coach Krzyzewski recalls, “This is where I really started to feel like, you know, this is really happening. I mean I’ve only got 12 elite eight trips under my belt, and only 11 of those resulted in a final four bid… I had no idea how to approach this situation. This was uncharted territory for all of us.”
But the basketball gods were smiling on Krzyzewski and his ragtag team of incredibly talented athletes. After making it to the Final Four, Duke prevailed over West Virginia in a nail-biting, nerve wracking, heart attack inducing, no-overtime, 21 point victory that is sure to go down as one of the greatest tournament games of all time.
Heading into Monday’s game, Duke players and fans alike were more nervous than ever. They knew that history was not on their side, as the Butler Bulldogs had never before been defeated in NCAA final’s history.
The Blue Devils managed to reverse this trend though, upsetting the Bulldogs 61-59 in a game reminiscent of another famous Bulldog loss. Georgetown mascot Jack the Bulldog could not help but be reminded of his team’s 1985 loss to Villanova in the NCAA finals. Jack could only send his condolences to the Butler players saying, “I can imagine what those guys are going through, I’d say that this upset is about on par with our ’85 loss, both in shock value and in overall devastation.”
Butler coach Brad Stevens says if he could do it all again, he would have done much more to prepare for what his team thought would be an easy win. “I mean, when you’re going up against some unknown team like Murray State or Duke, its really easy to just look past them and be thinking about the next game. We really underestimated these guys, but what can I say, with these smaller schools, you never know what you’re getting into.”
This victory tastes especially sweet to all of the Duke players who passed up scholarship offers from other more established programs to play in Durham. Guard Jon Scheyer: “Sure, back when I was in high school, I had been recruited by all those great teams I watched as a kid, like Butler and Lehigh and even East Tennessee State… but there was something about this Duke program that really attracted me. I don’t know what it was about coach K, but something told me that even though I had never heard of him, this man knew how to win an NCAA tournament. It may have been those four championship rings he wore during practices… whatever it was, I sure am glad I decided to come to Duke.”
The Bracket Racket: Obamacares Not About Vanderbilt
Last Tuesday President Barack Obama revealed his distaste for all but one of the 65 schools in this year’s NCAA tournament by predicting that only Kansas would make it through the month undefeated. Like most Americans, Obama made his picks based solely on his feelings on each school, giving no consideration whatsoever to their basketball prowess.
After filling out his bracket many of Obama’s top aids were surprised that the President would so blatantly pick teams based on his own personal feelings. When asked if he perhaps should have considered the strength of each school’s basketball program, Obama reportedly responded, “Basketball? Weren’t you guys just asking me to rank how much I liked each of these places?”
And indeed Barack’s bracket simply indicates the amount of love the President feels towards the area of the country containing each of the competing schools. For example, Wisconsin secured itself a ticket to the, “Sweet sixteen,” by giving Obama their electoral votes in 2008, whereas Houston, Sam Houston, UTEP, and North Texas all secured themselves first round losses when Texas voted for McCain.
Many students at Vanderbilt University were angered when Obama called for Murray State to take down the Commodores in the first round. According to sources close to the President, this decision was based on a combination of, “A man who once cut Obama off while driving in Nashville, and a great turkey sandwich [Obama] ate during a campaign stop in Murray, Kentucky.”
While Obama did end up correctly predicting the Murray State upset, not all of his preference-based picks turned out to mirror the basketball tournament. The President reportedly had a, “Great time,” speaking at Notre Dame’s graduation last spring, and therefore decided that he liked that school far better than Old Dominion University. However during the actuall basketball game, ODU overcame what Obama describes as, “One butt-ugly campus,” to defeat Notre Dame 51-50.
Those that know Obama best were not at all surprised to see the leader of the free world pick Kansas as his absolute favorite team. Obama has always loved the entire state of Kansas, thinking it to be far superior than any other state in the country. Said Obama, “Kansas is just an incredible place. Those gorgeous rolling planes, the most beautiful, kind-hearted people in the world, and of course that metropolitan mecca that is Kansas City. Hands down the best state ever, I love them way more than any of these other shitholes.”
While not everyone knew about the President’s love of all things Kansas, Obama does very little to hide his feelings for the state. Obama reportedly likes to eat dinner once a week with the congressional delegation from the Sunflower State. According to first lady Michelle, “Yeah, Barack looks forward to that dinner all week, he even wears his special Kansas themed pajamas the night before to get ready.” Obama also reportedly likes to dot his eyes with little sunflowers, and keeps a Western Medowlark (The Kansas state bird) in the oval office.
Students at Kansas State University felt jilted that Obama would only pick one of the state’s schools to win the tournament. One student told reporters that, “If Obama actually loved the state of Kansas, then he would have picked both of us to win in his bracket. Its just total BS, how can he say that we’re a good school, and then turn around and say that we might lose a basketball game? Insane.”
More than anyone else though, the Northern Iowa University Panthers felt personally offended when Obama decided that he likes Kansas better than their school in the second round of his bracket. Iowa senator Chuck Grassley said his state felt personally offended by Obama’s decision. “I mean sure Kansas is nice but we do everything we can to be Barack’s friend! We send him baskets filled with delicious corn, my wife gave Michelle her world famous conbread recipie, we even invited him over to play Wii bowling with us! Why don’t you like us Barack?! Why!?”
On Saturday the Panthers decided to take matters into their own hands by beating Kansas in a basketball game. Coach Ben Jacobson had some choice words for Obama after the game, saying, “Take that you big stupid head!” and sticking out his tongue.
Unfortunate Branding Choice Leads to Spike in Dramatic Chest Kicks
Last Wednesday Vanderbilt students officially began to care about the men’s basketball season with “Madness,” an event hosted by VSG and the Vandy Fanatics. While the rally did help propel Vanderbilt to a 89-83 win over Missouri, administrators feel the title “Madness,” may be responsible for 23 reported King Leonidas style chest kickings that night.
The event was publicized across campus by tantalizingly ambiguous posters which simply read “Madness: 12-2-2009″ While the posters did serve to peak student interest in the rally, they also left many confused as to where they should go on Wednesday night.
Lindsay Walters was one of these confused students: “I was trying to make my way to the pep really, and I saw a group of people. So I turned to one of them and asked, ‘This is Madness, right?’ And instead of answering, he just shouted something and kicked me right in the chest.”
Other eyewitnesses report that the boy had yelled “This is Sparta!” a phrase made famous by the Zack Snyder movie 300. According to Jimmy Tolin, the self-described biggest 300 fan in the world, “The mighty Gerrard Butler utters this powerful phrase before kicking a Persian messenger directly into a bottomless well in the middle of Sparta. You know, one of those bottomless wells that every ancient Greek city had.”
Psycology professor Maryanne Johnson says that the desire to complete a movie quote is one of the most powerful emotions a human being can have. “When a person hears the words ‘I’ll make him an offer he can’t…’ the body literally devotes all of its intention to completing the quote. The brain literally begins to shut down until the person is able to break out their Marlon Brando impression.”
This incident was the first in a rash of similar violent movie references all across campus. Even the very basketball players the event was meant to inspire were not safe from this knee jerk verbal cue. Junior AJ Ogilvy was assaulted by a a Missouri player after the following verbal exchange took place.
Missouri player- “Why are all these people here? What is this?”
Ogilvy- “This is madness.”
MIssouri player- “Ha, This is Sparta!”
*Kicks Ogilvy in chest*
VSG has learned their lesson and is already planning a different name for next year’s basketball pep rally. Reports indicate that the next event will simply be called “The football season is over.” and students will be encouraged to “Trade their pigskins for big wins.”
Women’s Center Director Named Athletic Director
Reports out of Kirkland hall have recently indicated that in order to further increase efficiency and productivity, the Vanderbilt Commodores have been given a new athletic director: Nora Spencer. This decision has been put into place to undo the athletic de-structuring implemented by former Chancellor Gordon Gee in 2003. The former athletic department was terminated to reduce isolation between student-athletes and common folk.
Since the restructuring of varsity athletics to the Office of Student Life which oversees all student organizations, the Vanderbilt Commodores have experienced an inordinate amount of unforeseen success such as a national title in women’s bowling, two number-one Major League Baseball draft picks, two NCAA men’s basketball sweet sixteen births, a victory in the 2008 Music City Bowl and a doctorate dissertation in quantum physics written by former cornerback D.J. Moore published in numerous scientific journals.
However, current athletic forays have failed to live up to such recently fabricated high expectations. The first team to undergo this scrutiny has been the men’s varsity football team. New athletic, women’s center and LBQTGI Friday’s director Nora Spencer was quoted, “I have received many messages from students concerning the state of the football team. Most were not so coherent and exhibited the grammar structures of a drunken illiterate, but from what I could gather, plenty of students who ‘have played the fuck out of NCAA 2010’ could ‘call better plays than Bobby Johnson.’ Under my jurisdiction, these messages will be but of the past.”
When asked about the decision, Chancellor Zeppos noted, “All of the athletic teams have simply become massive pussies, especially the women’s teams. The men? Oh, don’t even get me started on the men’s teams. They’ve become so fruity that I bet Adam Lambert or Elton John could hold themselves better in a fist fight. I respect my predecessor’s decision to rid Vanderbilt of the red tape that was the Athletic Department, but I think Nora Spencer will do a great job handling our unfortunately effiminate athletes.”
In addition to mandatory athletic study halls, student-athletes are now expected to attend weekly seminars about the symbology and iconography of the womb in 20th century culture. In addition to video coaches recording practices and games, athletes are expected to meet with a therapist in the Psychological Counseling Center to make sure that one’s anger is being expressed positively in competitions. One anonymous therapist said, “We have to be sure that these athletes aren’t expressing negative feelings by making poor decisions. It’s very tough being the spotlight of the entire student body, especially when that student body is quite intoxicated and belligerent. Let’s not forget to mention the fact that the entire city of Nashville is also quite prone to berate our student-athletes.”
To combat the problem of poor nutrition, the athletes’ meal plan has been modified to include complimentary meals at Grins and Freshens at any time of the day. Revered Vanderbilt dropout Earl Bennett was asked to comment on the future of his team, “Well, back when I was at Vanderbilt, I would have loved getting a nice tofu panini every once in a while. Jay [Cutler] could eat, like, five of those things at once. Fucking nuts, man.”
In an interview with ESPN’s baseball reporter Buster Olney, Tampa Bay Rays pitcher and former Commodore David Price said, “Playing for Vanderbilt was the best time of my life. Well, that is until I got drafted number one, pitched in old Yankee Stadium and then in the World Series, but the one thing that I regret most about my time at Vanderbilt was that I never knew much about the women’s center.”
The most radical change brought to Vanderbilt athletics was the rechristening of Cole and McGill halls to accommodate a larger percentage of varsity athletes. Some call the decision to allow male athletes to live in Cole “an abomination,” but Mrs. Spencer insists, “Men must learn to appreciate the presence of a woman. If we can have our athletes be more in touch with their feminine sides, they will be more able to maintain their composure on the playing fields. As for McGill, we want to have our athletes mental horizons broadened.” One anonymous undergraduate student commented, “As a gay man living in McGill, I am looking forward to being in the same dorm as many football players. I hope they’ll let me get in the huddle or catch a few passes. My last boyfriend was really into football, and he loved it when I called him Mike Ditka. My favorite play has to be the naked bootleg, or perhaps a four wide receiver set shotgun play-action waggle. If I played football, I’d be a strong safety. Nothing’s more exciting than being able to tackle a man and have the chance to intercept a few balls. I hope they won’t mind that I haven’t been shaving. I mean, it is November. Needless to say, I’m totally verklempt. “
Not all McGillites have been pleased with the decision. One frequenter of the Vanderbilt Tabletop gatherings said, “Shirtless Tuesdays just isn’t fair when you’ve got people who actually work out doing it too. Come on.” The experience has proved unexpectedly pleasant for some of the athletes. Quarterback Larry Smith was quoted, “I never would have imagined Dungeons and Dragons being so enthralling. Being a NCAA Division-I quarterback is cool and all, but you haven’t lived until you’ve fended off ferocious malcontent wildebeests as a lowly Bard armed only with a level 3 lyre of punishing, tattered rags of Azaroth and a pint of grog. I had goose bumps!”
Another athlete took quickly to the emphasis on women’s studies perhaps even more so than previous McGill denizens. “I’ve totally changed my schedule for the spring,” he said, “Instead of taking Economics of Human Resources, I’ve signed up for Feminist Legal Theory 271. Now, when I was young, I used to watch Murphy Brown, and I always used to be enthralled by the arguments in the Supreme Court cases Roe v. Wade and Planned Parenthood v. Casey, but now I have a truly deeper understanding for the whisping legal intricacies of playing the gender card.”
Student reaction to the radical change has been rather lackluster, but Nashville-area sportswriters have been having a field day with the news. Sports radio 104.5 The Zone’s George Plaster has been constantly hammering the decision. “This mockery of sport would have never occurred under Woody Widenhofer. If Lane Kiffen [at Tennessee] had this placed upon his plate, he would go senile like Bud Adams at the NFL Draft.” Fellow local broadcaster and former Vanderbilt men’s basketball benchwarmer Willy Daunic noted, “Now, George. Let’s not get too excited. I’m sure Nick Zeppos over there knows what he’s doing.”
Back on campus, one plucky sophomore said, “I don’t really care as long as it doesn’t affect Frats at Bat. That’s athletics, right?” Another undergraduate commented, “Bro, there’s a tailgate. Fuck if I care if we win or lose; we still booze. I’m drunk.”
