Detroit Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga had a perfect game with one out left when umpire Jim Joyce called the last batter safe (when he was clearly out). Clearly not trying to capitalize on Google search hits (Ken Griffey Jr. retires after 22 seasons, Flyers beat Blackhawks in game 3 of the Stanley Cup Finals, Joe Sestak offered White House job by Bill Clinton), The Slant and I are going to break down the importance of this event to the world.

First of all, the legal proceedings filed on behalf of the city of Detroit are going to entirely clog the American judicial system. It will take years and trillions of dollars for the Supreme Court to come to the decision that robot umpires will be necessary to overrule human error. It will take even more time and effort for these robot umpires to be developed, tested and implemented into the MLB. However this is nowhere near the biggest problem.

It is common knowledge that Israelis are staunch Tigers fans. Unfortunately, Palestinians and Turks tend to favor anything that makes Detroit suffer because of a grudge involving a burned chicken sandwich. Soon war will break out in the Middle East as a result of this umpire’s bad call.

War in the Middle East will draw the attention to a weak foreign policy stance by the American Government. Baseball fans will lead the political campaigns, and Derek Jeter will be elected President of the United States. Secretary of Defense Shaquille O’Neal will begin launching covert strikes on America’s enemies, but the now ESPN-controlled state media will not be reporting it.

On a whim, Iranian leaders will launch a nuclear device at Detroit on the basis that umpires have the final say, and Iran is all for that kind of power. With Detroit destroyed, President Jeter will at first congratulate Iran for helping clean up, but then realize that America has a bit of a problem, change his mind and begin bombing the country with a slew of F-22s “because they were in Transformers.” Unfortunately, a rogue general will take this order to eradicate all of Afghanistan and Pakistan as well “because that’s how it works in Modern Warfare [2].”

With its enemies destroyed, Americans will then turn on themselves for a reason they can’t really remember. After brutally murdering every one another, the Europeans will re-colonize America with an establishment at Plymouth Rock. Within the century, the colonists will revolt because of unfair text message taxation.

This future just goes to show you that Baseball is really a lot more important than everyone thinks.

Is this the face of the apocalypse?

This was neither a mistake nor a joke; there was actually a method to this madness. After all, it’s been no secret that the Nationals have had their eye on the Obama ever since the two parties fatefully landed in Washington nearly simultaneously back in 2005. In the midst of the 2007 season, when it was quite apparent that the Nationals had no chance of any sort of success for that season (so in like, early May or something), the franchise began to seriously work towards a long-term contract with Obama. The (at that time) Senator dragged the dealings out, however, claiming he had “better possibilities in his near future.” In any case, no deal was struck.

Talks were idled, what little hopes there were for the franchise wilted, and the Nationals entrenched themselves into two more years of pathetic baseball. In 2009, however, they moved again. The organization realized that Obama was the perfect man to head up their rotation. With little to no baseball skill and a questionable reputation, the Nationals simply had to get him on their team. All through the 2009 season, when other teams were focusing on other, less important things such as “winning,” the Nationals were pursuing their man – Barack Obama.

Opening Day, 2010 marked the culmination of yet another failure by the Washington Nationals. Obama threw out one pitch as if to say “goodbye forever, baseball!” and left the field soon after. When asked why the deals broke down, both sides had differing views. On one ocassion Obama was reported as saying, “The money simply wasn’t good enough – they wanted me to take a cut. Obviously, they think I’m either a great president or a horrible pitcher.” The Nationals said, however, “The deal breaker came in all the small clauses he tried to sneak by us… [he] wanted to change the name to the ‘Washington O’Bombers.’ I mean, we’re the Nationals, and even we know that sounds stupid.” Thus ended all hopes of a new face in the rotation and headlines reading “Obama Leaves Washington; Heads for Washington.”

Since the restructuring of varsity athletics to the Office of Student Life which oversees all student organizations, the Vanderbilt Commodores have experienced an inordinate amount of unforeseen success such as a national title in women’s bowling, two number-one Major League Baseball draft picks, two NCAA men’s basketball sweet sixteen births, a victory in the 2008 Music City Bowl and a doctorate dissertation in quantum physics written by former cornerback D.J. Moore published in numerous scientific journals.

However, current athletic forays have failed to live up to such recently fabricated high expectations. The first team to undergo this scrutiny has been the men’s varsity football team. New athletic, women’s center and LBQTGI Friday’s director Nora Spencer was quoted, “I have received many messages from students concerning the state of the football team. Most were not so coherent and exhibited the grammar structures of a drunken illiterate, but from what I could gather, plenty of students who ‘have played the fuck out of NCAA 2010’ could ‘call better plays than Bobby Johnson.’ Under my jurisdiction, these messages will be but of the past.”

When asked about the decision, Chancellor Zeppos noted, “All of the athletic teams have simply become massive pussies, especially the women’s teams. The men? Oh, don’t even get me started on the men’s teams. They’ve become so fruity that I bet Adam Lambert or Elton John could hold themselves better in a fist fight. I respect my predecessor’s decision to rid Vanderbilt of the red tape that was the Athletic Department, but I think Nora Spencer will do a great job handling our unfortunately effiminate athletes.”

In addition to mandatory athletic study halls, student-athletes are now expected to attend weekly seminars about the symbology and iconography of the womb in 20^th century culture. In addition to video coaches recording practices and games, athletes are expected to meet with a therapist in the Psychological Counseling Center to make sure that one’s anger is being expressed positively in competitions. One anonymous therapist said, “We have to be sure that these athletes aren’t expressing negative feelings by making poor decisions. It’s very tough being the spotlight of the entire student body, especially when that student body is quite intoxicated and belligerent. Let’s not forget to mention the fact that the entire city of Nashville is also quite prone to berate our student-athletes.”

To combat the problem of poor nutrition, the athletes’ meal plan has been modified to include complimentary meals at Grins and Freshens at any time of the day. Revered Vanderbilt dropout Earl Bennett was asked to comment on the future of his team, “Well, back when I was at Vanderbilt, I would have loved getting a nice tofu panini every once in a while. Jay [Cutler] could eat, like, five of those things at once. Fucking nuts, man.”

In an interview with ESPN’s baseball reporter Buster Olney, Tampa Bay Rays pitcher and former Commodore David Price said, “Playing for Vanderbilt was the best time of my life. Well, that is until I got drafted number one, pitched in old Yankee Stadium and then in the World Series, but the one thing that I regret most about my time at Vanderbilt was that I never knew much about the women’s center.”

The most radical change brought to Vanderbilt athletics was the rechristening of Cole and McGill halls to accommodate a larger percentage of varsity athletes. Some call the decision to allow male athletes to live in Cole “an abomination,” but Mrs. Spencer insists, “Men must learn to appreciate the presence of a woman. If we can have our athletes be more in touch with their feminine sides, they will be more able to maintain their composure on the playing fields. As for McGill, we want to have our athletes mental horizons broadened.” One anonymous undergraduate student commented, “As a gay man living in McGill, I am looking forward to being in the same dorm as many football players. I hope they’ll let me get in the huddle or catch a few passes. My last boyfriend was really into football, and he loved it when I called him Mike Ditka. My favorite play has to be the naked bootleg, or perhaps a four wide receiver set shotgun play-action waggle. If I played football, I’d be a strong safety. Nothing’s more exciting than being able to tackle a man and have the chance to intercept a few balls. I hope they won’t mind that I haven’t been shaving. I mean, it is November. Needless to say, I’m totally verklempt. “

Not all McGillites have been pleased with the decision. One frequenter of the Vanderbilt Tabletop gatherings said, “Shirtless Tuesdays just isn’t fair when you’ve got people who actually work out doing it too. Come on.” The experience has proved unexpectedly pleasant for some of the athletes. Quarterback Larry Smith was quoted, “I never would have imagined Dungeons and Dragons being so enthralling. Being a NCAA Division-I quarterback is cool and all, but you haven’t lived until you’ve fended off ferocious malcontent wildebeests as a lowly Bard armed only with a level 3 lyre of punishing, tattered rags of Azaroth and a pint of grog. I had goose bumps!”

Another athlete took quickly to the emphasis on women’s studies perhaps even more so than previous McGill denizens. “I’ve totally changed my schedule for the spring,” he said, “Instead of taking Economics of Human Resources, I’ve signed up for Feminist Legal Theory 271. Now, when I was young, I used to watch Murphy Brown, and I always used to be enthralled by the arguments in the Supreme Court cases Roe v. Wade and Planned Parenthood v. Casey, but now I have a truly deeper understanding for the whisping legal intricacies of playing the gender card.”

Student reaction to the radical change has been rather lackluster, but Nashville-area sportswriters have been having a field day with the news. Sports radio 104.5 The Zone’s George Plaster has been constantly hammering the decision. “This mockery of sport would have never occurred under Woody Widenhofer. If Lane Kiffen [at Tennessee] had this placed upon his plate, he would go senile like Bud Adams at the NFL Draft.” Fellow local broadcaster and former Vanderbilt men’s basketball benchwarmer Willy Daunic noted, “Now, George. Let’s not get too excited. I’m sure Nick Zeppos over there knows what he’s doing.”

Back on campus, one plucky sophomore said, “I don’t really care as long as it doesn’t affect Frats at Bat. That’s athletics, right?” Another undergraduate commented, “Bro, there’s a tailgate. Fuck if I care if we win or lose; we still booze. I’m drunk.”