At the end of January every year, Apple holds its much-anticipated Macworld convention where many loyal fans and gather to express their fruity devotion to Apple and its products. Fans not only gather to celebrate Apple’s success but also to test out new products and ideas floating about. Macworld convention 2011 was no different, as it kicked off celebrations this January 25th in none other than the fruitiest city in America—San Francisco.
Fans were very excited this year because they were anticipating a lot of innovations at the convention. As we all know, Apple has introduced quite a number a products to the market over the past year, and each product has tremendous potential. For instance, Apple’s iPad has been the biggest success from last year’s convention, despite some early concerns that it was a “rotten” idea. Last year, many hated the thought of buying a more expensive, oversized iPhone that lacks the capability to send texts or make calls. After all, you could basically buy four iPhones and duct tape them together to create your own iPad for relatively the same price. Not to mention, your homemade iPad would also have the capability to make four outgoing calls simultaneously. (This could be an extremely useful feature for all you playas out there who have to call all four of your girlfriends on the same night. Why not just save some time and kill two birds with one iPad?)
Despite the lack of the same features as an iPhone, the iPad has still been quite popular though. It still has much room for improvement, but fortunately, Apple announced that it is currently working on the next generation iPad that sounds promising. They revealed only minimal details about it, but the second-generation iPad should be released in the upcoming months.
Not only was there hype about the iPad, but also perhaps the biggest hype at the convention was about Verizon’s release of the iPhone in February. Apple expects a great increase in iPhone sales after introducing its product to America’s leading cellular phone carrier. With this expected increase in sales, however, also comes the need for new apps, and the convention introduced a handful of them as well. One app that was particularly well-done was the iGrill app. It actually tells you when your steak is done via text message. This rare app received medium ratings as to its everyday utility, but another app in particular exploded onto the scene—the iShit app, also commonly referred to as the crap app or “crapp” for short.
This crapp informs you when it’s time to poop. Many fans ran faster than diarrhea runs in your jeans to check out this new crapp. The new iShit app has many different features. You begin by downloading the crapp onto your iPhone and setting your shitting frequency. The shitting frequencies vary anywhere from once hourly, to once daily, to once weekly (for all you McDonald’s lovers out there). Once you set the frequency, you can then choose your type of bowel movement: regular, runny, or brick. Finally, you can choose your health status: “healthy,” “feeling a little shitty,” or “feeling really shitty.” After informing the iPhone of your colorectal status, you then can shit back and relax and wait for your iPhone to text you when it’s time to defecate. One example text sent to anonymous crapp holder said, “Good morning friend. It’s time to poop, and it will most likely be bloody. You better get your ass moving and make sure you have extra toilet paper.”
Crapp turned out to be very popular, as it received a “shitload” of downloads on the first day of its release. Now, it appears to be seeping into everyone’s vocabulary, as it has become an important agenda setter for many people especially in the corporate world. With crapp’s recent explosion onto the scene, Apple is also considering making an “iNeedaPad” app made especially for women. This app (not to be confused with the actual iPad) would not only inform women everywhere when to pop a midol, but it will also tell all of her co-workers to steer clear of her during that time of the month. This app hasn’t been released yet, but it has received the go-ahead from R&D at Apple headquarters.
These were just a few of the core ideas released at Macworld convention 2011. For more reviews, you can search “Macworld Convention” online for the latest information about iPads and iPhones. An Apple search shouldn’t land you too far from the tree either.
New “Crap App” for iPhone Revolutionizes Defecating, iPad Absorbency
iPad Appeals to Giant Demographic
In a move Saturday heralded as an extraordinarily-large step forward for Big People across the globe, Apple Computers released their Giant iPhone.
“Finally!” said troll Craig McKraath. “With these giant hands and that tiny screen, how was I supposed to twitter while finding that hot sushi joint? Impossible! I still can’t use most of those apps or even get a cell-phone out of the deal, but now I can do what I’ve always wanted to do— read books! Just like I’ve always been able to do. Just electronically. Just for the hell of it.”
For years, fawns, ogres and titans the world over have bemoaned the trend towards smaller and lighter. “Blackberries are devilishly difficult,” said behemoth John Taylor Haagwadeeth. “No really, I was talking to Satan the other day about how he designed that tiny QWERTY keyboard to be just big enough to look attractive, but small enough to frustrate even the most text-crazy 8 year-olds.”
Some fans have seen this as the next step for Apple. “OMG, like, I’m totally their biggest fan! No, really, I’m like 10’ 9” and 950 pounds. But like, the Giant iPhone is so totally Apple! You know, they just make it simple and like work, you know? So like, I totally don’t have to think about it. Yeah, just like, no thinking at all.”
Although not everyone is so enthusiastic; critics claim that Apple has done nothing except expand the iPhone and strip functionality. “As someone who has unusually large testicles,” said colossus Hung Fo Sho, “I was impressed by the balls of Steve Jobs for releasing something that doesn’t multi-task, can’t play flash videos, has no camera and requires typing on a screen. Those balls are the only thing that allow Steve Jobs to be called a “god.”
Perhaps, however, the biggest problem is not within the sleek black case of the iPad. “Wait a minute, what did you say the Giant iPhone was called? Oh man, you had me going there for a second. I mean, I literally have my head in the clouds all day, but even I’m not oblivious. Hahaha, the iPad, that’s a bloody stupid name.”
TFLVP: 11/18/09
(615): I can’t see that girl’s ass. Let’s get closer
(690): Jack Frost wrote really cool poems! I’m an English major!
(813): Blast her with semen Jk. No, really, hogtie her.
(615): I just need someone to sleep with tonight. will you sleep with me?
(865): Nah, man, i gotta play warcraft.
(865): Is this a potato or an apple? It tastes like urine!
(813): Even jesus was like “water? fuck this: alcohol!”
(856): I was sober on a Friday night once… It was weird.
(690): Did you know that our campus existed before noon on a Saturday? I didn’t.
iPhone Insanity
THE iPHONE. It’s become a quintessential and mandatory part of life on Vanderbilt campus. It’s like mixing your old iTouch and Blackberry into one device, ensuring that only one electronic item can get damaged while playing beer pong. Needless to say, it makes life complete.
As an avid iPhone addict myself (you think I’m kidding, I’ll have a legit panic attack if I can’t find it), I’ve been searching for the best apps: the most useful, the most relevant, and the most insane. I filtered through apps that made your phone double as a vibrator, track periods, calculate fertility, give you sex ed, track every calorie you consume, give you diet tips, provide useless one-time-only quizzes, rate dates, and multitudinous other extraneous gloriousness…to bring you this list. In this article, I’ll provide you with two Top 10 lists—those apps that we Vandy students have access to (and simply need to make life complete—besides the Facebook, Zippo Lighter, and FML apps), and those that would make our lives as Commodores so much easier.
TOP 10 iPHONE APPS YOU NEED:
- gpsAssassin (Free): This app works with the GPS in your iPhone to track yourself—and everyone else with this app—and arm you…for battle. Create a bitchin’ codename, create some rocking awesome weapons, and attack away. Here’s the catch—even when the app isn’t open, you’re always playing. Yes, I do mean ALWAYS…so get ready to randomly be killed at 2 AM, unless you’re smart and hide…for the 4 hours you can. Get ready for brilliant addictive chaos—and if you kill someone with the codename “columbia,” you’ll wish very quickly you hadn’t…
- MLIA (Free): FML is great for shits and giggles, but at the end of it, unless it epically deserved the fuck-your-life-able status, you forget them. Not so with My Life Is Average…because far too often, they’re too epically awesome. Example: “Today, while on the NYC subway, a really intimidating thug tapped me on the shoulder when I was changing the song on my iPod. I got really nervous that something bad was about to happen, but I acknowledged him anyway. Turns out he just wanted to show me he had the Glee! soundtrack on his iPod too. It made my day. MLIA”
- Echofon (Free): Facebook Mobile is fine, but isn’t it really just for status updates and writing on walls? Welcome to a free Twitter app to stalk every celeb you know, along with the select few (and awesome) Vandy kids (such as myself, stcharly). Just like updating your Facebook status…only insanely often.
- Convert Units for Free (Free…duh): Gotta convert angles, areas, data, energy, forces—any of that math or science insanity? Look no further than your phone. Every student in with a class in Stevenson is currently doing cartwheels.
- I Am T-Pain ($2.99): I know, Jay-Z, D.O.A. is totally against this app…but dude, autotuning yourself is the shit for anyone, admit it.
- Chipotle Ordering (Free): Wanna know how Qdoba gets beat? When Chipotle has go-ahead ordering—right from this app. 2AM burrito runs just got a whole lot better.
- Bump (Free): Because exchanging numbers by text is so pre-college. You store yourself as a contact, meet someone else with Bump, both open the applications…and Bump.
- ShopStyle Mobile (Free): Wanna find J Crew, Vineyard Vines, Lacoste, and every other Vandy-crazed label all in one place—at a discount? Say hello to this app. Your wallet thanks you, Shopaholic.
- Beer Coaster—Drink Counter (Free): Count how many beers, glasses of wine, cocktails, or non-alcoholic drinks (pshhhhhh) that you drink in a night. Every Deb’s best friend!
- BMI Calculator (Free): Hey, I said there’d be no CALORIE counters, not BMI calculators!! That’s totally different!!
TOP 10 iPHONE APPS YOU WISH YOU HAD:
- Rate My Hookup: Send a pic of that hottie at the frat to other, currently sober time zones in order to get a clear judgment of legit hotness. To hookup or no?
- Slut/Douche Rater: Made in the same mindset as Rate My Hookup, it gives unbiased judgment on frat party wear. Must your bust push up that much?
- Updates of Pub Orders: Sick of stalling awkwardly away from your table for over an hour waiting for food that you’re not sure will EVER come at this rate? Get updates on your order instantly with messages like “Sorry, your fries just got yanked by another football player” and “Oh, just come back next week and try again.”
- Random Number Game: How about making drunk dialing easier by using an app that picks a number for you? Or even when sober, call a random number and pretend to be someone else just to fuck with them!
- Prank Number: This app takes your number and will add your number and give you a random name in someone else’s contact list. Let the Domino’s call come pouring in to you!
- Change Contacts: Pick a person in your contact list and have all their contact names changed magically to Sesame Street, Harry Potter, Twilight, Biblical, or Music Star names!
- Farmville Update: Worried about your crop of grapes dying in class? No big, harvest, plow, and plant all from here!
- Syllabus Merger: Get all your syllabi imported into your iPhone calendar with reminders a week ahead, night before, and 30 minutes before assignments are due. Planners? Such a waste of paper!
- Breathalyzer: Sure, you can get that clumsy attachment, but wouldn’t it be better to just blow where the speaker is and have your BAC magically appear on the screen?
- Hustler Verification: They’re far too serious to be trusted.
There you have it, iPhone loving friends—your complete guide to what really is necessary in life…er, you iPhone’s app list.
