Apparently, people now use the third floor of the Commons. The Board of Trust has recently scheduled the 19,000 square foot usage for this coming fall to house the entire Political Science department and its three research centers. In an official statement, Dean Dever referred to the move as “the realization of an important part of the original vision of The Commons to be a truly integrated living and learning environment for Vanderbilt students and faculty.” She really didn’t have to do that to herself. The move is a perfectly respectable decision of practicality; anyone who has seen how cramped the third floor of Calhoun is need not an ulterior motive theory to justify it.
In all fairness though, it might be nice for incoming freshmen who are gung-ho about never, ever changing their major from poly-sci. If napping before and after meeting a professor is their thing, this is useful. Then again, for philosophy majors living in Kissam, Furman Hall isn’t much farther away. Proximity is usually not a problem on a college campus. a ten-minute walk from our rooms to a department building shouldn’t be enough to alienate us from experiencing the academic living aura. After all, the greatest proximity to education is right in our rooms basking on our bookshelves. But whether the amount of motivation required for reading is more or less, no one knows for sure.
So, maybe the Board of Trust’s decision has strictly learning benefits if not arbitrary academic mood-setting benefits. Some authoritarian parents are also successful with the shove-it-in-the-kid’s-face-so-he-can’t-escape method, but the dining hall is on the first floor, and the exercise room is on the second. What is on the third floor anyways, what is the “living” aspect of the third floor? It’s easy to suggest attractions of debauchery to neighbor the department, but it’s such a lame joke that it’s not even funny. There’s no reason to go up another flight of stairs for porn when there’s free internet on the 1st floor.
Thus, with resignation, this move is probably just a matter of practicality, not one for helping fashionable one-liners’ functionality. I mean look how I just shredded Dever apart here and there. Ha!
Vanderbilt Political Science to Relocate to The Commons
Library Renovations Spur Students not to Read Books
New to campus this semester is Central Library’s Cafe, the capstone to the six-million dollar renovations that will revolutionize the Library’s role in students’ lives and draw them closer to the intellectual heart of the University.
Before the renovations began nearly a year ago, students were forced into cramped, dull, cave-like spaces where they would learn nothing. But now, students will enjoy the Library’s modern, open spaces and natural light while they learn nothing and dick around on Facebook.
The yet-unnamed Cafe will attract students to collaborate and share ideas over lunch, unwind with friends on the outdoor patio for dinner, or study into the small hours over a cappucino and panini.
This time last year, students would have to hole up in their dorm rooms and Google frantically for an article for their paper in history of philosophy of African American Art in the WGS department–now, students will half-ass a paper, Googling frantically and searching JSTOR abstracts on their laptops plugged into any of the 584 new power outlets in the Library and Cafe.
The renovations are not expected to promote students’ usage of books, or curious, independent learning, or use of past scholarship to bravely seek out new knowledge. The closest students are expected to come to grasping new knowledge is clutching bookshelves while having sex in the labyrinthine, dead quiet, creepily empty third-floor basement stacks.
Planners hoped that the new areas would revitalize even the Library’s dustiest corners, or maybe just give you a good feeling while you learn facts you plan to forget later the same night, ingest information as meaningless syllables by rote, add nothing to the corpus of human science and understanding, and forsake remedying cruelty and ignorance in the world for playing Angry Birds on the can.
Spring Relationship Drop/Add Period Ends with Flurry of Activity
Vanderbilt students seeking to participate in romantic relationships during spring 2011 now know exactly who the members of these relationships will be, as the university wide drop/add period ended at midnight last Wednesday.
During the weekdays leading up to the deadline, all potential romantic partners were expected to plan dates during which they would exchange romantic syllabi, explaining to each other their romantic expectations, policies, and grading rubrics.
Sophomore Jeremy McMichael says he was considering a relationship with Junior Kara Whitley until he noticed that under lovemaking expectations on her syllabus Whitely had simply written “Kinky stuff.” When McMichael asked for clarification Whitely remained coy. “That’s when I knew I was going to drop her… I mean I’ve had [romantic partners] before where they weren’t specific about their expectations, and this never works out well, so I decided to transfer into this cute art student. She won’t help me out with my career at all, but it should be a fun way to waste some time.”
Senior Mike Carter has had a very rough drop/add period. In December, Carter had a full waiting list of ladies and gentlemen who wanted to be his romantic partner during this semester. But students quickly began to opt out of Carter when his syllabus indicated he was no longer willing to do “that thing with his tongue and the love beads.”
Vanderbilt’s Relationship advisors have been quite busy, as student appointments have shot up in the time surrounding the deadline. Professor Barry Wight (PhD., bootyology) says he hasn’t had a free minute all week with all of his spare time being spent giving relationship advice to undergrads. “The other day a student came into my office, he was still signed up for relationships with two different women and couldn’t decide which one to pick. So he and I went on a Facebook stalk, and I advised him to choose the one with bigger… personalities.”
Some students have complained that their drop/add requests could not be processed as “OH YEAH,” Vanderbilt’s online relationship registration service was jammed with users Wednesday night. Sam Lee, head administrator for OH YEAH, says he will not extend the drop/add period.
“Whatever relationship you’re in right now, you’ll have to stick it out for the whole semester… if you really want to change, you can file a petition to drop, but the relationship will remain on your record with a ‘WF’… which stands for ‘wet fish,’” says Lee.
Junior Darren Carr found himself at odds with the system when he tried to register a relationship with more than two women. Under regulations which went into effect last spring, such a relationship requires that all those involved have GPAs of at least 3.5 and approval from at least one professor. Carr, however, says he could not find any professors willing to approve his proposed love triangle between himself, his girlfriend, and her best friend.
“Professor Wight said he would sign off on it if I could get both of the ladies to approve but doing that would totally blow my cover, so I decided to just scrap the idea” says Carr.
Stunning New Developments in Beer Pong Theory Baffle Enthusiasts
Results from a recent study conducted at Fucdisgaem State University have put the world of Beer Pong on edge as many findings contradict everything that avid players have held dearly for centuries. The publication is being compared to Einstein’s theory of general relativity, Newton’s Principia, Darwin’s On the Origin of Species and Snooki’s bestseller A Shore Thing.
Describing his revolutionary text, How to Be the Best: Fuck You, a Study of the Science of the Silky Smooth Shot, Dr. Tony Peesashiet flowed, “Look, all ya pussies and nancy boys have been doin’ this shit wrong. Sit down, open ya ears, and lemme teach ya this true shit bout the pong.”
The report primarily focuses on the placement of beer pong cups after initial setup, or “rerack,” and how some commonly-used formations actually lead to one’s own defeat. The two most common misconceived cup setups are the “Tight Vagina” – four cups in a diamond lengthwise – and the “Power-I Formation” – three cups in a vertical line. Peesashiet’s work proves that the often ridiculed “Loose Vagina” and “Play Button” are more appropriate for the four-cup and three-cup situations.
“Yo, like, I know people gonna give you shit ‘bout that loose vag, but look, bro, it’s all related to the Heisenberg fuckin’ uncertainty principle. Your goddamn ball is like a fuckin’ photon, and you ain’t got any idea where that shit’s goin’. That fucker’s gonna go more left and right than it is back and forth, if you got any goddamn skill at the fuckin’ game. Same shit goes with the play button. You use these fuckin’ racks and your bitch-ass opponent’s gonna be drinkin’ that shit and doin’ naked laps like Usain Bolt.”
Not everyone has been pleased with these recent waves of change in the beer pong community. Local frat champion Chad Cranderson was furious at the doctor’s work.
“LOOSE vag? What the fuck is that crap? Hahahaha…” Cranderson said, right before the cup he held in his left hand was promptly sunk on the second turn by the good doctor himself.
Giving a brief post-victory interview, Peesashiet boasted “Yeah, punk, don’t even try to insult my loose vag!…Wait, don’t print that.”
Despite Everyone’s Best Efforts A&S Soph. Learns Absolutely Nothing
Despite the best efforts of teachers, friends, and family members, A&S sophomore Ryan Monnigan failed to learn a single goddamn thing all semester. Monnigan reportedly signed up for several classes where he intended to learn a lot, but as of Tuesday night, Monnigan admitted that he had not retained any information presented to him over the past few months.
Monnigan made this discovery during the first hour of a planned “All Night Study Party” which he hoped would prepare him for his first exam this Saturday. Unfortunately, Monnigan failed to recognize any of the facts from his class notes and was, at one point, unable to recall even the name of the class.
At a press conference earlier today, Monnigan seemed resigned to his situation. When asked about his plans for his upcoming final exams, Monnigan replied that he plans to be, “So f—ing f—ed there is just no f—ing way I’m gonna pull this off… oh s— my mom is going to f—ing kill me. I’m gonna fail all these f—ing exams. S—.”
When asked for a response, Ryan’s mother, Mrs. Monnigan, said simply, “If [Ryan] fails his exams, I’ll f—ing kill him.”
Junior Linda McPoyle was sitting next to Monnigan when he made the discovery in the Baseball Glove Lounge late last night. She recalls, “I didn’t notice him at first – just like some guy there to study… then after a few minutes, he started whimpering and muttering to himself… after a while, he just curled up into a ball and kept repeating, ‘Why don’t I know any of this?’ to himself. It was pretty distracting.”
Many of those close to Monnigan have been deeply saddened by these revelations. Monnigan’s current English professor, Jules Wilson, says she wishes she had done more to help Monnigan learn even a single thing this semester. “I can’t help but feel bad about this… as if this were somehow kinda my fault. I don’t know, maybe I should have like, lectured differently or something. It just stinks that I wasn’t able to get Ryan to learn anything this semester. I lectured to him for upwards of three hours every single week, but I guess it wasn’t enough.”
Perhaps the people most embarrassed by Monnigan’s lack of retention are the four other members of Monnigan’s psychology study group. The five students, all sophomores, have met at least once a week all semester in hopes of getting Monnigan to retain at least some information. According to group president Lisa Wikowski, “Clearly our efforts have failed. I express my deepest regrets to Ryan… I’m sorry buddy, we did our best.”
According to reports from Steve Meyer, Monnigan’s roommate, Monnigan has spent the past two days sleeping only in one-hour naps, in what appears to be an attempt to spend more time studying for his upcoming finals. Meyer admires his roommate’s commitment but thinks his sleep technique is a bit misguided. “I kinda get what he’s doing, but all it seems to have done for him is make him really delirious. Last night, I came in to find him licking the pages of his calc book, and when I asked why he was doing that, he said it was so that he could taste the numbers better. I think he might have snapped.”
Ryan did end today’s press conference on a positive note, though, telling reporters, “If I could just get the exam moved back just one day, then maybe I can pull it off. That’s all the time I need to learn this stuff… just one extra day.”
Times Education World Publishes Its Annual List of 200 Schools in Random Order
Students were overjoyed last week to hear that Vanderbilt University ranked 51st on the Times Education World’s annual ranking of the world’s universities, but we need to be cautious, my fellow students. It would be easy to look at this list and get the mistaken idea that Vanderbilt is the 51st best school in the world. We’re not; I promise.
Maybe you’re reading this article at a frat party. Look around. Do you still think you’re at the 51st best school in the world?
The Times used a metric which, while interesting, doesn’t really serve to objectively measure a school’s worth. Think about all the reasons you think Vandy is great. Maybe you like a student organization you’re in. Maybe it’s your sorority, or maybe you think the Commons is a really great way to welcome undergrads.
Those things are all cool, but they are absolutely not what the Times used in coming up with this list. Actually, according to the Times, the single most important thing a school can have is a large number of “citations,” which is a fancy word for “getting other people to talk about your research.” Does that sound really arbitrary and contrived? Congratulations, you’re starting to get it. Also, does it sound like Oxford probably received a ton of citations from that dictionary they publish? Right again – that’s how those limey Brits managed to finish 6th.
Let’s put it this way: You know that teacher you have who doesn’t have his PhD. but is really committed to his subject and goes out of his way to work for his undergrad students? Yeah, he actually cost us a few points. You know that other teacher you have who treats undergrads like plague-infected hobos and only holds down this job to fund his research? Yeah, by this metric, he won us a couple of points.
The point is that this list, along with all others like it, are totally meaningless. (I’m looking at you, US News and World Report.) I mean, according to this metric, we could actually improve our quality as a school by getting rid of about 25% of our students. I find freshmen as annoying as the next guy, but I would never want to trade them just to move up a few spots on a list.
Also, let’s not forget that the people who made this list seem to think McGill is its own university, which they ranked 35th. Come on, Times, get your facts straight.
Obscure Majors, Obscure Reasons
Everyone knows the “big majors” at Vanderbilt. We all recognize a HOD student when we see him or her downing a beer and we even all know what a pre-med major looks like when we catch a rare glimpse of one running from Rand to Stevenson. However, there are also some lesser known majors. For instance how many Ecology, Evolution, and Organismal Biology students do you know? Hell my spell check doesn’t even recognize organismal as a real word. So what motivates these students to pursue these majors? Well here’s a hint: it’s certainly not for prestige, and it’s not for the obvious career options either.
Spanish, Portuguese, and European Studies: This major prides itself on being the hardest major to say five times fast…. in three different languages. Seriously though, a lot of indecision leads to choosing this major. First you can’t decide if you want to do history or political science so you do a combination with European studies. Then you decide you want to do extra language studies. Finally you can’t decide which damn language to learn so you end up with two languages. That’s three levels of confusion, for a major with the obvious career option of backpacking across Europe.
Ecology, Evolution, and Organismal Biology: The obscurity of this major is so intense that it makes up a new word. I’ll be honest, I’m not entirely sure this is a real major. It sounds like some sort of horrible cross breed between Al Gore and Charles Darwin. This major is for all the science students that found out all too late that they aren’t actually science students. That and they’re probably still in denial that they aren’t science students. But it’s not all bad for our EEOB friend. The word biology is in their major title so they may be able to fool some employers into a job offer…. well maybe…..
Ancient Mediterranean Studies: This major is just one giant middle finger to your parents, or whoever is paying for your Vandy sized tuition. Classics majors are renowned for performing well after college but that’s mostly due to their language skills, which this major is severely lacking. Studying ancient warfare isn’t the road to success; in fact it looks a lot more like the road to poverty and soul crushing failure. Enjoy!
Create-A-Major: This major is the king of kings in obscurity. Honestly, anyone doing this either actually knows exactly what they want to do for the rest of their life, or more likely they like being “different”. Unfortunately I can’t comment as to this major’s success, it really comes down to how good you are at naming your major. “Business and Finance” is likely to pay off big by being different at Vanderbilt but not different overall. Meanwhile, “The Psychological and Philosophical Basis of Polytheistic Religions in Modern Film” says that you don’t think being homeless is such a big deal.
It’s a Major Eat Major World Out There
By: Andrew Ligon
In this economy it’s becoming increasingly obvious that all majors are not created equal. Some are simply better (and harder). Now I know what you’re thinking, “How can I possibly know which one to pick?” Well, fear not my freshman friend or indecisive sophomore friend, or incredibly screwed junior friend, or not-gonna-graduate “senior” friend, The Slant has gone through painstaking resource to bring you the hardest and best majors that Vanderbilt has to offer. Enjoy!
1. Engineering- Ahh, the crème de la crème of Vanderbilt. This whole economy thing doesn’t scare you at all. You’re beating employers away with a stick, which is unusual for you because you never got that experience with the ladies. But don’t fret, once this whole college thing blows over you are the most eligible bachelor out there. Cheers!
2. Engineering Science- Don’t worry, even your employer doesn’t know this isn’t real engineering.
3. Pre-Med- Or as I like to call them: Freshmen. Enjoy your mind numbing biology and chemistry classes, it’s not like you’ll be taking them next semester. But don’t worry there are lots of majors that are just begging for you to join their masses such as….
4. Economics- Ok so now you’re a sophomore and it turns out being a doctor is a lot of hard work and you have too much pride to jump on the HOD boat (don’t worry, pride is a common flaw at your age). Well it turns out that you can still become insanely rich. It’s called economics, and you don’t even have to touch dead people (usually). So, go ahead and trade in that Organic Chemistry book for Macroeconomics, and good luck pulling up your first semester GPA, because that thing isn’t ever leaving you.
5. Political Science- Welcome to the next level of failure. I know I know, you want to make money, but math is fucking intimidating, and you can only write decently. What are you ever to do? Enter political science. Sure, it’s fun now, but you also have to go to law school if you ever want your parents to love you again, and let’s be frank, you still want to make money too.
6. Other Social Sciences- This is an odd group, you seem to actually enjoy what you’re doing. Do you have any idea what the starting salary is for a psychologist or sociologist? It’s called poverty, and it’s not funny. The good news is it still sounds employable so your parents aren’t in tears. Well they aren’t in tears yet, until you do that whole job hunt thing and tell them you need another five to six years of fifty-grand a year schooling.
7. Humanities- See above, except your parents began crying the day you told them.
8. Musicians/ Studio Arts- Ok, it’s too easy to make starvation jokes. And even though you make the joke too, you die a little on the inside every time. It’s ok that feeling is normal: it’s called hunger.
9. Education Majors- Lucky for you, your parents obviously support your decision to be poor forever, unless you’re counting on that inheritance money when your parents/grandparents take a really long nap. You know what you want to do, and that’s not being able to afford a satellite dish…… ever.
10. Human and Organizational Development- What joke hasn’t been done here? Coloring inside the lines, using crayons, no Friday classes, a “real” major and plain out stupidity has all been used by all your supposed friends. But here’s the real joke: you’re number 10 on this list and you’re going to be making as much as number 1. Party hard, you can afford to do it and still make bank. Enjoy rubbing all of your delicious, yes it’s fucking delicious, money in all your friends’ faces.
