The Slant The Humor and Satire Newspaper of Vanderbilt University

Housing Pushes to Further Inconvenience Students
    Unsatisfied with progress toward their goal of making ice-axe the fastest way of traversing floors at upper-class residence halls, housing officials have announced they will begin next week replacing elevator push-buttons with 1920s-style switch levers.
    Housing Director Evelyn Shandy discussed the decision in an interview: "We understand there is some inherent risk in allowing students to operate these devices manually, such as the possibility of impalement. Hopefully, though, this concern will be irrelevant because aneurisms of frustration will kill most students before they can hurt themselves."
    As part of the same effort, the stairs of Kissam Quad will be replaced with down-only escalators.
 
Medium Definition TVs Struggling to Catch On
    The transition to better quality television reception is leap-frogging some traditional players in manufacturing. Consumers appear are switching from low-definition cathode ray tube TVs to high definition televisions and skipping over the medium definition televisions of American manufacturers.
    American medium definition television manufacturers are lobbying Congress to slow the transition. "Switching from low definition to high definition television can be jarring for the viewer," said Jerry Townsend, president of the American Electronics Manufacturers Association. "Progress is important, but it must occur at a pace that is comfortable for the consumer and the producers of their sets."
    Manufacturers point to the potential psychological harm from viewing high-definiton television. "The long-term effects of viewing objects in high definiton have not been studied," said Armando Diaz, professor of pop psychology at Columbia University. "Are we really ready as a nation to view close ups of Edward James Olmos' skin? This is just the kind of event that could traumatize a generation of children."
 
Keely and Nu Party Not Well-Attended
    “Keely and Nu,” a Nu Society party held this past weekend, failed to ride the attendance wave created by the like-named play.
    “People showed up and left pretty quickly,” said Jacob Hastern, a Nu brother.  “I found that rather ironic.”
    Despite the group’s publicity efforts, which included, “but were not limited to,” changing Ds to Ns  on  theatre advertisements across campus,  life  never truly developed at the party, per se.
  
Black Hole Discovered On Foor Of Stevenson Center
    Vanderbilt cosmologist Dr. Adley VanTrease announced this week that after twenty-three years of research and calculations he has finally pinpointed what he calls the "VanTrease 358-J" black hole.
    "It was on top of Stevenson the whole time!" a stupefied VanTrease said. "Right next to the swimming pool."
    Experts speculate the black hole may lead to Braeburn Mansion, coincidentally also owned by Vanderbilt. It is also believed that distortions caused by the black hole may help explain the strange — and often confusing — layout of Stevenson Center. VanTrease concluded, "If only now we can find those darned monkeys in the basement of Wilson. Not that it would help me in any way with my physics research. I just want to see how fucked up they really are."