The Slant The Humor and Satire Newspaper of Vanderbilt University

    Vanderbilt’s Department of Evil Medicine has recently undertaken an aggressive publicity campaign for its long-running project of developing a microbe it calls "Face AIDS."
    According to project director Dr. Stanley McSinister, the virus should be affecting the Nashville area early next month. The symptoms of Face AIDS, according to McSinister, include coughing, sneezing, congestion, and sore throat. "It’s essentially a common cold," he said while rubbing his hands together and wriggling his pointy moustache, "except that it never goes away! It’s genius!"
    Not everyone agrees with McSinister. "It’s just not that evil," said Dr. Dudley O’Devious, Director of Evil Medicine at Duke University while rubbing his hands together much more rapidly and wriggling his significantly pointier moustache. O’Devious is architect of the wildly successful Elbow Tuberculosis Virus (ETV), which terrorized eastern North Carolina for most of the 1990s and continues to serve as an excuse for the Duke football team's poor performance.
    Nevertheless, some experts believe Face AIDS has genuine evil potential. Officials in Sweden announced Monday that McSinister and his team have already been nominated for an Evil Nobel Prize in medicine.
    Commenting on this announcement, iChancellor Nick Zeppos said, "We’re all very excited about the possibility. The Evil Nobel Prize is in many respects a greater honor than its benevolent counterpart. Especially if you’re into evil."
    The Evil Nobel Prize ceremony will take place in the cellar of an abandoned insane asylum in Stockholm on the next viable dark and stormy night.
 
*by Kris Stensland and Daniel Cunningham