The Slant The Humor and Satire Newspaper of Vanderbilt University

    Fraternity parties are generally know to be “sketchy” and the Interfraternity Council is well aware of this. Therefore, it is absolutely unfair that anyone should actually have to show up to a fraternity party to get the free beer they're entitled to.
    In order to rectify this problem, the IFC, in collaboration with the Office of Greek Life and the Office of Student Conduct, has come up with the Greek Beer Delivery Hotline.
    Now, rather than having to attend sketchy, unsafe fraternity parties, all you have to do is call the hotline and give them the name of the fraternity that you would like to bring you beer. The fraternity you chose will deliver their beer to you anywhere on campus. It’s that easy! You don’t even have to talk to the delivery brother or even tip him. He'll just leave the beer at your door. It’s all of the free fraternity beer, with none of the fraternity brothers!
    Now, there are a few restrictions for this new system. The first one is that the only people eligible to receive beer are those who are at least 21 years old. Now, this may suck for those of you under 21, so Student Conduct has allowed for a quick and easy appeals process. When you call, all you have to do to appeal the 21-and-over rule is get your RA to tell IFC what a responsible drinker you are. This way, Greek Life can still somehow manage to take on all of the liability, just in case we deliver you too many beers and send you to the hospital.
    Now, you’re all probably thinking that it might take too long for the beer to get to you. Well, don’t worry, because IFC has already thought of this. If you don’t get the beer you ordered with 10 minutes of ordering it, then not only are that beer and the next beer free, but we will also give you tickets to watch as Student Conduct stomps on our nuts.