The Slant The Humor and Satire Newspaper of Vanderbilt University

    Researchers at East Side State confirmed Friday that they have solved a long-standing rapamatical puzzle, proving that bitches ain’t shit but hos n’ tricks.
    In the early 1990s, Dr. Dre — then a doctoral candidate at Compton State — made the following observation in the liner notes of a CD he was listening to: “I have made the most startling discovery, ‘Bitches Ain’t Shit.’ Unfortunately, I have run out of room in the margins. I trust proving this shall be an amusing diversion for even the amateur rapamatician.”
    When Dr. Dre’s observations were published in a compilation chronicling his writings in "The Chronic," in 1992, waves rippled through the academic community.
    As the problem proved difficult, a small band or hardcore academics continued pursuing Dre’s theorem over the years using a variety of methods. Some success was found by solving for and proving that subsets of bitches ain’t shit.  Noted academic In ya’ Euler proved the case for n bitches, when n=3, and the duo of MC Dirichlet and The Legendre proved it for n=5.
    Despite the proof’s difficulties, empirical evidence — such as the observation that Bitches were often found “suckin’ on his dick just to get a buck or two" — suggested that the proof could be solved. Further, complex statistical models showed that the theorem held true for n to a high number.
    It wasn’t until a breakthrough in 2005, the Folds Conjecture, that the problem once again became mainstream in academic circles.
    Researcher Benjamin Folds, who has since been reclusive from the press and declined comment for this story, discovered for the Dre Theorem to hold true, bitches must also be nothing but hos and tricks.  Using misappropriations of propositional logic, researchers argued that if the Folds Conjecture was solved, then so must the Dre Theorem be true.
    Researcher Andrew “The Tank” Wiles, who was instrumental in proving the Conjecture, and in turn the theorem, explained the idea for the proof came suddenly.
“I saw this fine woman who had these amazing hour-glass elliptical curves.  I knew immediately, and very intuitively that these curves were congruent with the modular forms often found in bitches.  Weeks of grunt work later, I knew I had solved the theorem.”
    Despite Wiles’ extraordinary work, he remains modest and shares credit with a fellow researcher.  “I used to know a bitch named Eric Wright. We used to roll around and crunch the code at night,” he said.
    Wiles’ results will be printed in next month’s issue of Letters in Applied Rapamatics.