The Slant The Humor and Satire Newspaper of Vanderbilt University

    While a second year of sleep in Branscomb, Vandy-Barnard or Kissam looks likely for the Class of 2011, students may be in for a treat underneath their all-too-familiar pillows.
"At this point, the question we’re facing as a housing office is not whether to shaft the current freshmen, but how hard and with what type of pole,” said Marilynn Sanders, a Office of Housing and Residential Education representative. “Since next year’s entering class will be, inevitably, a statistical improvement upon the last, it’s really out of sheer generosity that my office still pays attention to 2011’s well-being.” Although, according to Sanders, justice has been sweetly served.
“We’re going to create a ‘Lollipop Room,’ available exclusively to sophomores, filled with delicious suckers, jelly-candies and other savory treats,” Sanders said, “and, so help me God, every color and flavor will be available.” She believes such an overflowing cache of free sweets will help silence unhappy students’ complaints.
Sanders accredited the ingenious concept to an anonymous colleague. The coworker, who chose to withhold his identity as to not “hog the praise,” said he found the idea right under his nose.
“While reading a captivating scratch-and-sniff copy of ‘Hansel and Gretel’ to my little girl, I came to the conclusion that kids like candy, and even more so, rooms filled with it,” he said. He later presented his refined idea, with the assistance of photocopied illustrations, to a receptive Housing Office.
    However, in a necessary digression from the children’s story, Vanderbilt will not allow witches to cook students alive within the “Lollipop Room.”
    Feedback has been mixed among the Class of 2011. “I have diabetes,” said one freshman, an opponent to the proposal.
    However, others were more excited. “I mean, The Commons is cool and all, and they have good food or whatever, but I’d trade all that (stuff) for one cotton candy Blow Pop, free of charge,” said Jennifer McCleary.
    Interim Chancellor Nick Zeppos has shown reluctance towards the room. “You should see the budget for this thing. $260, 000 on construction? $450 for a custom-made gumdrop chandelier? $0 on clearance for Nick Zeppos?” he said.
    Sanders countered the chancellor’s allegations: “Do you know how hard it is to climb a wall of lollipops, while unwrapping a carton of Sour Straws, just to get your hands on an edible light fixture? Deliciously hard.”
    Despite whispers of opposition, Housing will present a final proposal to the Chancellor’s Office next week.