I am so pissed off! My great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather discovers the Western Hemisphere, proves the world is round, busts his ass to convert all the Indians to Christianity, and no one even cares!
    Vanderbilt does not pay enough attention to Columbus Day. I mean, it was cool that they brought in Kanye and Guster and ... yeah, Kanye and Guster. And I appreciated that they held a football game in honor of the holiday. But when I went down on the field at halftime to be recognized for my family’s contribution to world history, some asshole security guard Tasered me and threw me out! Obviously he didn’t get the memo: I am a direct descendant of one of the greatest men who ever lived! I don’t get enough respect on campus for that, either. All these New England prep school phonies are always bragging about how their families came over on the Mayflower. Well you know what? My family came over on the Santa Maria, bitches! Plus girls never sleep with me because they’re afraid I’ll give them syphilis.
     Not that we Columbuses aren’t used to being shunned and ignored. So Columbus discovers the western hemisphere, right? That means it should be named after him, right? No way! They go and name it after some asshole Amerigo Ve-whatever-the-fuck-his-name-is. We just get some South American country I’d have never even heard of if it weren’t for Google. And a podunk Ivy League university I didn’t even get into. And about a billion random cities and rivers nobody cares about.
    Columbus Day is all we have left. My family always has a really great barbecue, with like the best hot dogs in the western hemisphere, and fireworks and horseshoes and all kinds of stuff. And just because the rest of you douche-bags have failed to appreciate us, no one is invited except the Columbus family and our neighbors, Mr. and Mrs. Running Deer, who never come anyway for some reason. It’s awesome. I bet you all wish you could be there. Especially you, Donovan Vespucci. Hey, by the way, Donovan, why did you go to Vanderbilt and not the Ivy League university named after your family? Oh right, there’s not one. Ha! In your face!
    Anyway, Columbus Day is awesome, and now Vanderbilt has ruined it for me forever. I sent an email to iChancellor Zeppos saying instead of going to class on Columbus Day everybody should just give me gold and tell me I’m in India, you know, just for laughs, but he didn’t even respond. People tell me I’m being unreasonable. You know who’s being unreasonable? This idiot sophomore Alex Eriksson. He’s always on my case about how his ancestors discovered the Western Hemisphere, not mine, and he doesn’t even get a holiday. Yeah right! Sorry, Canada doesn’t count!
    Something needs to change. I challenge the entire Vanderbilt community to raise a huge outcry and restore Columbus Day to its rightful place of veneration. If we have to abolish Christmas and replace it with Columbus Day, I’m prepared to accept that.Come on, Vanderbilt, stand up for what’s right. If you do, we’ll let you come to the barbecue.