After years of speculation, Mr. Rotiki, the personably-giant wooden statue of Varsity Market fame, has announced plans take his comedy to the stage. In a surprise announcement Friday, Rotiki let the proverbial cat out of the bag. “PANINI,” Rotiki said.
    Ed Sedgwick, the statue’s self-described manger, elaborated. “He’s tired of being the dancing bear of Branscomb, nailed to the floor for the customer’s amusement and employer’s profit,” he said. Sedgwick, a freshman Lupton resident, sees promise in his client’s ability to deadpan. “When he gave me that ’$24’ line, no change in expression, no sign of sarcasm, nothing… that was the selling point.”
    Sedgwick’s roommate, Geoff Keller, has collaborated with Rotiki on much of the statue’s upcoming material. “Since (Rotiki) doesn’t have any arms or legs or limbs and stuff, like most comedians on the scene today, physical comedy isn’t really his gig,” Keller said. Instead, Keller thinks his friend’s stage presence will get the job done. “He’s got that booming voice that grabs you by the scruff of the neck and shakes you hard, like you're an annoying baby. I love it, and everyone else will too for sure,” Keller said.
    While Keller was reluctant to reveal too many of Rotiki’s jokes, he managed to leak a few. “I mean, the 'white table cloths' one is too great to leave out. But this punch line is my favorite: Why is Rotiki so much better than that midget ass Pillsbury Dough Boy? Because when Rotiki gets touched in the tummy, he doesn’t giggle like a little girl, he gives you a magically delicious pizza,” Keller said.
    While many are excited about Rotiki’s pending performance, others have their doubts. “His jokes are unbelievably cliche and his delivery is sub-par. No one laughs except freshmen with marijuana-induced munchies named 'JOMAMA' and, no offense, my less intelligent peers on athletic scholarship,” said John Morgan, a junior enjoying his engineering study break.
    Currently, Sedgwick is trying to renegotiate Rotiki's "functioning lifetime"-long labor contract with Vanderbilt. “We’re still in talks with Dining about the requisition of Rotiki. But honestly, if diplomacy doesn’t work, Ed and I will do whatever’s necessary in order to introduce such a natural talent to the world. I'm not afraid use the restaurant's pastic silverware aganst them," he said.
    An official Varsity Market press-conference is slated for Thursday, Oct. 18 at 3 p.m.