Detroit Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga had a perfect game with one out left when umpire Jim Joyce called the last batter safe (when he was clearly out). Clearly not trying to capitalize on Google search hits (Ken Griffey Jr. retires after 22 seasons, Flyers beat Blackhawks in game 3 of the Stanley Cup Finals, Joe Sestak offered White House job by Bill Clinton), The Slant and I are going to break down the importance of this event to the world.

First of all, the legal proceedings filed on behalf of the city of Detroit are going to entirely clog the American judicial system. It will take years and trillions of dollars for the Supreme Court to come to the decision that robot umpires will be necessary to overrule human error. It will take even more time and effort for these robot umpires to be developed, tested and implemented into the MLB. However this is nowhere near the biggest problem.

It is common knowledge that Israelis are staunch Tigers fans. Unfortunately, Palestinians and Turks tend to favor anything that makes Detroit suffer because of a grudge involving a burned chicken sandwich. Soon war will break out in the Middle East as a result of this umpire’s bad call.

War in the Middle East will draw the attention to a weak foreign policy stance by the American Government. Baseball fans will lead the political campaigns, and Derek Jeter will be elected President of the United States. Secretary of Defense Shaquille O’Neal will begin launching covert strikes on America’s enemies, but the now ESPN-controlled state media will not be reporting it.

On a whim, Iranian leaders will launch a nuclear device at Detroit on the basis that umpires have the final say, and Iran is all for that kind of power. With Detroit destroyed, President Jeter will at first congratulate Iran for helping clean up, but then realize that America has a bit of a problem, change his mind and begin bombing the country with a slew of F-22s “because they were in Transformers.” Unfortunately, a rogue general will take this order to eradicate all of Afghanistan and Pakistan as well “because that’s how it works in Modern Warfare [2].”

With its enemies destroyed, Americans will then turn on themselves for a reason they can’t really remember. After brutally murdering every one another, the Europeans will re-colonize America with an establishment at Plymouth Rock. Within the century, the colonists will revolt because of unfair text message taxation.

This future just goes to show you that Baseball is really a lot more important than everyone thinks.

Is this the face of the apocalypse?

“I pledge to value everyone’s ideas and concerns about this pertinent topic,” Smithterson said on the class of 2014 Facebook group. “Let none of us rush to conclusions about this situation as it involves global consequences.”

Connecticut resident Katie Andrews, a fellow rising freshman, publicly asked, “Which groups are you looking at? I heard it’s different for girls!”

“Well, I believe the IMF is the go to organization under today’s circumstance.” Smithterson replied. “Many are turning to Germany, but the solution really transcends any one group of people. Gender doesn’t really play much of a role in today’s Greek politics.”

“Woah!! How many German students are at Vanderbilt?” Brooksbrooks High graduate Allie Chadson asked to the masses. “Are they into the Greek scene?? Totally cool!”

“The Germans have a strong tie to the Greeks,” Smithterson asserted. “To have one without the other in this day and age is entirely unheard of. The entire larger community could collapse without Greeks benefiting from the Germans.”

“Cut the crap! I have one question: who’s gonna have the top parties, man?” aspiring HOD enthusiast Will Blandersmere asked to the group.

“Well, in Germany, no one is sure if Merkel’s CDU will be able to retain as much power in upcoming elections because of the Greeks,” the debater declared. “The crisis in the Greek community is so massive that no one knows for sure who will come out on top. All we know is that most leaders are likely to resign in fear of their personal safety.”

The Slant was unable to reach Greek Life Director Kristin Torrey for comment on the incoming class’s discussion, as she was throwing rocks at a riot squad and looting television sets during an anti-government riot.

Colin Smithterson ('14) and "friends"

Every year there are a few glimpses of genius. 2008’s would be the excessively violent and over-exaggerated Japanese flick The Machine Girl. From one look at the poster, you know this is clearly a big ripoff of Planet Terror, and I’m not saying that it isn’t, but it’s more. It doesn’t have zombies, but it goes above and beyond the call of duty. The B-movie mantra is pushed to every facet of the film from the opening scene to the final credits.

The “plot” is as follows: a group of high school bullies who follow a Yakuza leader’s son murder a girl’s brother, so she swears revenge to kill them. If you can deduce from the title and the poster, something happens along the way to spice it up a bit.

The acting is bad (most of the female roles are models/porn stars including the moms),the costumes are bad, the soundtrack is bad, the set design is bad, the dialogue is bad (the writer/director made pornos also), the action is bad… the only thing that is not terrible appears to be the budget, but this and the rest makes all of it INCREDIBLE! But it’s not bad like The Room bad, it’s intentionally bad. Everything is so over the top, that even the most disgusting violent brutal deaths are hilarious because of the obvious cheaply made props or prosthetic dummies. The melodrama is so thick at times that it spews out like the gushing fake blood hoses from seemingly every character’s body. If you thought Kill Bill set the bar for fake blood, this movie does an Olympic high jump over that bar and then impales someone with it.

I haven’t laughed this hard for the duration of an entire movie in a long time. All in all, I give it five donuts out of five!

I’m thinking of making it mandatory Slant watching material, and if you disagree with me, then you are a no-good hypochondriac recluse who constantly pees on the hall’s toilet seat! Did I mention that the spiritual sequel to this is called RoboGeisha?

Yeah, this movie is awesome.

Economists have been baffled by the abnormally high levels of inflation for such an isolated country that one would assume to still be on the gold standard.

“In actuality, the Mushroom Kingdom took itself off the gold standard in the mid 1980s,” the country’s chief economic advisor Archibald Toadstuttle said. “Our coins are merely gold plated. We learned a lesson from the great 90s ring crisis in Mobius.”

The Mushroom Kingdom has long been a leading pipe and brick manufacturing hub, but the recent downturn has spurred growth of a booming illegal drug market.

“Many of our citizens have been selling normal, super and even gold mushrooms just to get by,” police chief Kooper Hammersmith said. “The worst problem now is dealers selling poisonous mushrooms that look identical to real ones.”

The kingdom’s closest and oldest ally, Italy, has voted to initiated a large scale aid program to the nation’s monarchy.

Not worth as much as you think.

The internet is vast and infinite. That’s good news of you looking for some cheap laughs! Through the powers of complex search algorithms, The Slant assembles only the absolute finest in visual humor. Now, the true fans out there keep every published paper issue of The Slant in a humidor to maintain freshness, but if you’re really lazy and don’t want to tear through our digital archives on your iPad, then you can check out the newest addition to this website.

Click here to see the funny with your eyes!

Although the vast majority of these bits have been printed, you’ll be able to witness some in color for the first time! Unfortunately, as goes, some color copies were lost forever… Er, well, they simply weren’t saved. Half of our paper is in black and white, people! Also, a few gems are appearing for the first time! See if you can figure out which ones those are. (Hint: it was really hard for me to do so. I couldn’t answer if you asked me…)

Stay glued to your computer device, because soon the other half of our photogenic comedy empire will be put online! Let this be a taste of what will come later: the images we’ve actually doctored. Let’s just say that the diagnosis is a dusty laughtrack.

The one on the left is strangely arousing. The one on the right is strangely tempting.

In case if you didn’t see the button at the top of the homepage, click here!

Stay classy!

Serious business.

Greetings, boys and girls. Today marks the beginning of something that probably is about to start.

As you dedicated visitors can see (I know you look at this website daily), we here at The Slant have been tinkering with our website a little. I myself think I have finally gotten the hang of it.

This is the blog category. It’s something that has lingered here for quite a while, but something I’d like to get started for serious. Let’s face it, summer is going to be long. You most faithful readers and fans need to get your kick of comedy! The top 10 is a cornerstone of The Slant and comedy in general really, but it’s kind of taking up some very valuable real estate on our front page. What I hope for this new… er, old yet untapped comedic resource is that our amazing humor task force can polish their craft while entertaining you, the masses.

It’s a strange feeling that this year is almost over, and that there are at least four months until the next issue of The Slant. Vanderbilt, I’m sure you feel that way too. Let us not go quietly into the sunset! REJOICE FOR WE HAVE TECHNOLOGY!

9. You really don’t want to have to go through Atlanta.

8. Your parents don’t want you.

7. Your parents do want you, but you just happen to be from Nashville.

6. Still looking for your muse in Music City.

5. Lacking a few hours for your quadruple major.

4. No income tax, so you can finally start that home brewery.

3. Your home state is currently going bankrupt.

2. You really enjoy nicely paved interstates and orange barrels.

1. You were still drunk and missed your flight.