The Slant

Reichs of Spring

Andrew Snow — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 02:09:54 +0000

Investigative reporters working for The Slant have uncovered numerous plans across campus to celebrate the 123^rd birthday of German dictator, Adolph Hitler, this April 20^th. Judging from the scale of the plans, white supremacists have gained a strong presence at Vanderbilt, and a number were even brazen enough to sit down on with The Slant.

Freshman biology major, George Luks, told The Slant that he was excited for his first celebration of April 20^th on campus. “I always had to keep my parties discreet when I lived at home. The parents were definitely not into it [honoring the Führer], you know.” The Stambaugh House resident went on to say that he wanted to “really get into the spirit of the day.”

Mark Stroff, a mechanical engineering junior, agreed. “It’s important to go all out while you still can – though, of course, you don’t want to get the police involved.” Mark later remarked that he thought that all the young people partying on the 20^th should “really start engaging in political advocacy, promoting our values and stuff,” and claimed that there was enough of them to “really change the world.”

Perhaps even more troubling, the pervasive neo-Nazism on campus extends to our faculty. “While I’m not nearly as into it as I was in my youth, I do plan on having a small tribute to those good-ole ‘days of yore,’” said Tim Dickinson, a professor of American history, no doubt referencing the resurgence of Germany during the nineteen thirties. Likewise, an adjunct English professor confessed to The Slant that April 20^th was one of his favorite days of the year and that he was planning on making his special “four-twenty” cookies and fudge to mark the occasion.

Indeed, that number came up during many of our interviews. In addition to being a way of signifying the date of Hitler’s birthday (as in 4-20-1889), the number seems to have become a generic way of identifying something or someone as neo-Nazi. White supremacist organizations have long used numbers as partially hidden slogans – a well-known example being the number 88, which stands for “Heil Hitler.”

As for campus activities, there do not appear to be any plans for any large-scale public rally-like events; however, a number of students vaguely hinted that there might be book burning (or perhaps candlelight vigils) in private gatherings. Although The Slant found no evidence of planned Triumph des Willens screenings, several students who admitted that they will be taking part in the festivities have reported that they will be watching The Big Lebowski, a well-known propaganda piece which praises Nazism as “an ethos.”

University concedes to all Occupy Vanderbilt demands because they “asked nicely”

Michael Hogue — Sat, 07 Apr 2012 19:27:48 +0000

Nashville, Tenn. – In a press conference this Tuesday, Chancellor Nicholas Zeppos announced that the administration of Vanderbilt University will fully comply with all requests made by the student protest movement known as Occupy Vanderbilt.
“We at the University believe that the students are what give this school its unique identity, so their voices will be heard by the administration, and we will work to respond to their concern,” stated the chancellor. Added Zeppos, “Especially when they ask nicely, which they did. I mean, they said ‘please.’”
From the start, the Occupy Vanderbilt movement has been clear about its goals: better wages for dining workers, ethical investment of the university endowment, and greater student influence in university operations. Chancellor Zeppos addressed each of these three concerns in the press conference.
The biggest news is the university’s new approach to policy-making. After close consultation with the board of trust, the administrative powers of Vanderbilt have decided that from now on, all university policies will be decided by the unanimous consensus of the student body.
“We trust our students to make decisions about how to govern themselves effectively,” stated Zeppos. “They consistently choose between identical VSG presidential candidates, and which movie of the month they’d prefer to see. Deciding on the functioning of a prestigious institution of higher learning seems well within their capabilities.”
The chancellor’s office is also taking a radical approach to improving the salaries of its dinging workers. “To start with, I’ll be using the entirety of my $2.4 million salary to increase the pay of our service workers, hard-working individuals who keep the wheels of this fine institution turning” Zeppos told The Slant. The new payment plan will have a baseline of $7.75 per hour, plus tips, plus commission, with a new insurance plan that covers “some health things.”
The administration also intends to re-evaluate endowment funds to insure ethical allocations of university money. Current investment endeavors receiving “questionable” status include Enron, Puppy Killers Inc., African land grabs, and Satan.
Vanderbilt’s new policies are a landmark in students’ rights. Never before has the school’s administration been so in tune to student concerns and responded so graciously to student requests. Said Zeppos, “The students asked so nicely, with such great manners, we just had to comply. And check out this nice ‘Thank You’ card they sent us!”

Nation’s Digestive Tracts Excited at Unique Challenges Posed by ‘Doritos Locos Tacos’

Dan King — Sat, 07 Apr 2012 02:49:32 +0000

The nation’s digestive tracts have released a statement saying they are excited by the unique set of challenges that Taco Bell’s new Doritos Locos Taco poses.
Christopher Walken’s Colon, the president of the American Digestive Tract Union, says it has been years since his workers have had “Something as special as this to work with. I mean, we’re going to have to pull digestive juices that we haven’t used in centuries. Every one of these Dorito Tacos is going to be difficult to digest, but we are excited by the challenge.”
Scientists working with the ADTU say they have been studying advance copies of the Doritos Locos Taco and estimate that digestive tracts will need to use no fewer than 100,000 different chemical processes to convert the tacos to energy and nutrients.
Dr. Logan Harris has been working with the ADTU for several years: “When we first looked at the Doritos Locos Taco my reaction was to think ‘there’s no way to digest that.’ But my team and everyone at the ADTU really knuckled down and worked this problem hard and now we think we’ve found a good way to make it work. We’re using chemicals that haven’t been widely available since the middle ages, but it should all work out for the best.”
While the ADTU has publicly maintained the message that their members are all ready to deal with the problem, some sources within the union seem less confident.
Nancy Pelosi’s large intestine says that while the union may be confident in its abilities, the individual members may or may not be prepared. Ms. Pelosi’s intestine tells us “Sure, we read the packet we got from the ADTU, but we still weren’t prepared for this Dorito Taco thing. The first one Nancy ate… we essentially tossed it out the other end totally unchanged.”
Treasurer of the ADTU Bruce Springsteen’s rectum says that while hiccups like these are to be expected the first few times one consumes a Dorito Taco, “If you and your digestive system just keep at it, eventually you’ll both get used to working these things through.”

Self-Described “Pussy Magnet” Heads Home Alone Again

Richard T McGee — Sat, 07 Apr 2012 02:47:07 +0000

Ryan Ernst, a Vanderbilt sophomore and self described “Pussy Magnet” went home alone again last night after an evening of partying.
The pussy magnet spent the night hanging out at several different bars in downtown Nashville. Ernst apparently tried to talk to several females at each of the bars, but was never able to talk to any of them for more than a few minutes.
Deborah Siravo was hanging out with some friends at the Goldrush bar when she was approached by Ernst. Says Siravo “I knew he was a pussy magnet because he told me so right away. But as we were talking, I kinda didn’t feel any pussy pull from him. I’m not sure if my pussy’s broken or if he’s just not a strong magnet, but I decided to ditch him pretty quick.”
In a press conference following the night of rejection, Ernst told reporters that despite the weak showing “I am still confident that the pussy magnet is up and running. What a lot of people don’t realize is that pussy magnets aren’t like normal magnets. Sometimes pussy magnets don’t work. But they are still magnets.”
Ernst indicated that he plans on stepping up his game by making sure more people know about his status as a pussy magnet. In addition to telling people out loud, Ernst has ordered several shirts from the internet which will let everyone know of his title. Sources close to Ernst say he is also considering a tattoo to the same effect, perhaps even one on his face.
Sources close to Ernst report that heading home alone is nothing new to the econ major. Ernst’s roommate tells The Slant that he has never actually seen Ernst talking to a woman for more than fifteen minutes.
Ernst has been describing himself as a pussy magnet for more than four years. He first gave himself the epithet after an incident in high school when Ernst was able to get then prettiest girl in the grade Beth Powell to kiss him for twelve minutes in a closet during a party.
The Slant was able to reach Powell for a comment, but she says she is unable to speak to Ernst’s ability to attract pussy as she was “Totally wasted during that party in high school.”
While Ernst is not the only pussy magnet in the world, he is one of the most outspoken and has therefore become a bit of a spokesman for pussy magnets everywhere. He’s even attracted the attention of some top scientists in the Vanderbilt community.
Dr. Martin Kavenesh of the biomedical engineering department says that he is very interested in possibly studying the pussy magnet in the future. Says Dr. Kavenesh “It just doesn’t make sense. How can one attract organic matter the same way a magnet attracts metal? And why are his powers localized to the vagina? Is it perhaps because of the bundles of nerve endings located here? But if that is the case, why does he not also attract penis? And nipples, for that matter? I would love to take a closer look at Mr. Ernst to better understand his magnetic properties.”

S.S. Rand Sinks, Killing Thousands

Peter Linck — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 22:19:10 +0000

Upon its maiden voyage to California on March 21^st, the S.S. Rand sank after hitting an iceberg, killing thousands of passengers. The tragedy comes as a shock to engineering students and the public at large as the ship was thought to be unsinkable. Engineering professor Haoxiang Luo commented “The ship was able to stay afloat even with four of its lower watertight chambers being filled. The crash, however, flooded five of the lower chambers including the Last Drop Coffee Shop and the Baseball Glove Lounge, leading to the ship’s sinking.”

The ship was world renowned for its luxurious dining hall and décor themed after its destination. Martha Ingram, who was just a teen aboard the ship, recalled the cruise liner vividly. “The food was absolutely superb, though as I looked down at my plate of sushi, tacos, dumplings, and pizza, I wasn’t sure what it had to do with the theme.” Survivors recalling the ship’s décor also spoke of the presence of handprints on the foggy underside of the sneeze-guards covering the food.

The official death toll is at 1,514 with the survivors totaling 710. The high death toll comes as a result of an inadequate amount of life-boats aboard the ship. Criticisms have been made about the ship’s controversial “women and dining workers first” policy utilized for life boat priority. “I had to wear a fucking lame shirt and tie to work that night, and it was busy as shit. I sort of just wish they would’ve let me die,” noted survivor and miserable dining student-worker Stephen Farrar.

The ship took approximately two and a half hours to sink and is the largest ship to date ever to set sail. Eye-witness accounts from survivors tell of a somber trio of Blair students who played music as the ship became submerged. Martha Ingram also spoke of her final hours before the ship sank. “My star-crossed, working-class lover drew a naked picture of me wearing this fancy necklace. It was pretty hot.” Plans have already been announced for a 3-D homage to the sunken ship which students will likely waste their meal plans on despite the obvious gimmick.

CIA Discovers Worldwide Hoody Conspiracy

Michael Woods — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 21:41:43 +0000

Earlier this week the CIA released information concerning a worldwide hooded-sweatshirt conspiracy to destroy all people under the age of 50.
It all started when an CIA operative was contracted about the Trayvon Martin case early March. The undercover agent was infiltrating the underground anarchistic hip-hop scene in Hollywood when a bus rider offhandedly mentioned the role the hoodie played in Martin’s death, acting as a cue for gang-related activities. “At first,” said the operative, “I was skeptical myself. I mean, why would a hoodie purposefully act as a gangbanger’s wardrobe on a person was clearly not in a gang? Then I realized, as I looked around the bus, the number of hoodies was enormous. Millions.”
The Director of the CIA, David Petraeus, also noted the abundance of hooded-sweatshirts in the U.S. “The first thing I did was call my wife, Holly, and told her to burn the closet. All of it. I knew that anything those nasty items touched would be brain-washed, er, thread-washed? Then I called in my top agents to investigate. I pulled them in from Morocco, Tripoli, Algiers, Venezuela, you name it. They all had seen the increasing appearance of hoodies. That’s when I knew we were in trouble.”
The CIA is planning a raid on an Adidas factory where, “There are literally shit-tons of hoodies. Amassed like an army. I’m not exactly sure how they plan to turn everyone against the people who are wearing them, but making them look like an athletic douche wannabe gangster is a good start.”
Hoodies this year, like last year, are, according to the CIA, a very popular item for the early spring and fall. White House Consumer Analyst Richard Montgomery explained, “they’re comfortable, and that’s what makes them so dangerous. If we could just get a couple needles into each one, we might have a chance to prevent the catastrophe, but at this point, there isn’t a hope.”

School of Engineering Accused of Stereotyping–Was Actually Just Shopping For a New Sound System

Jim Gillin — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 20:37:01 +0000

Sanctions that Vanderbilt University placed on the board of the School of Engineering for rampant stereotyping have been retracted Tuesday after further examining the claims. It turns out that by “stereotyping,” what was meant was that the board was shopping for a new sound system for Featheringill Hall—comparatively shopping for different types of stereos.
The allegations against the board were first made when a student, walking back from a group project in the evening of March 29, passed a board meeting with an open door and heard things that concerned him. “They kept saying how important stereotyping was to the School of Engineering… how if they don’t stereotype correctly, students won’t get an appropriate undergraduate experience,” said the student, who wishes to remain anonymous.
The student brought his concerns to Kirkland Hall, where the school took quick action in regard to the matter. “Vanderbilt is committed to tolerance and diversity, and we will not tolerate stereotyping of minority groups by our faculty,” a press release by the university claimed. Temporary withholding of funds and strict surveillance were imposed on the School of Engineering higher-ups, but these penalties were removed when the case was reexamined.
What the whistle-blower didn’t realize is that the board of the School of Engineering was using that meeting to decide on a new speaker system to purchase for the Jacobs Believed In Me Auditorium. Cassie Pratt, assistant outreach coordinator at the School of Engineering, clarified the board’s decision to stereo-type:
“It’s extremely vital that we choose the correct type of stereo system for the auditorium. The acoustics are really finicky, so we have to be extremely discriminating in our choice of brand and layout. Looking at different types of stereos now will ensure high-quality audio services in Featheringill for years to come.”

Vanderbilt to Booby Trap Fire Exits

Jim Gillin — Thu, 05 Apr 2012 22:27:21 +0000

To discourage abuse of fire exits during non-emergencies, Vanderbilt has decided to booby-trap the fire escape doors in its residential buildings, starting this fall.
The Office of Housing and Residential Education (OHARE) staff has long been aware of the liberties students take with respect to fire exits, using them for non-emergencies and causing loud sirens to disrupt their housemates. This move to trap the doors is the result of months of policy meetings around the issue, and is intended to keep buildings quiet as long as there’s no emergency.
Traps include rubbing down the door handles with big, greasy Vaseline smears, planting broken glass and caltrops, and the classic schoolchild’s trick of propping a bucket of water over the door to drop on anyone who uses it.
Asked about the fire safety concerns raised by this deterrence from using fire exits, chief undersecretary of housing, Maryclaire Panipinto, said “we don’t expect these traps to decrease the fire safety of our buildings in any way. If your choices are getting toasted or getting greased-up and cutting your feet a little, what are you going to choose? But if you used to abuse the emergency exits to shave off seconds on your trip to go fratting, you’re going to think twice about being covered in crap and bleeding.”
Tolman Hall resident and fratstar Larry Oak wasn’t happy about the impingement on his habits. “Sometimes, when I’m drunk playing Xbox, and I want some food, it’s a matter of life and death. Those extra seconds I save using the fire door to get to munchie [mart] literally save my life. And what the shit do we do if there’s a fire?!”
In response to Oak’s concerns, Panipinto said “If you don’t want to use the fire exit, you could always do something crazy, like (grins) use the normal doors. But that bucket of water is only going to help you during a fire, anyway!”

Police Refuse to Arrest George Zimmerman Even After Begging and Pleading

Peter Linck — Thu, 05 Apr 2012 17:16:41 +0000

Florida police continued to refuse to arrest George Zimmerman even after Zimmerman begged and pleaded to be thrown in jail this past Tuesday. Zimmerman previously claimed self-defense in the shooting of black teenager Trayvon Martin, however a statement issued by Zimmerman’s attorney this past Tuesday claims that “all of that self-defense stuff was bullshit.” “Zimmerman will be standing outside of his residence at noon today, waiting to be taken to the big house. He will even be wearing an orange prison jumpsuit. Please don’t miss out on this opportunity,” the statement went on to read.

Police remained skeptical of Zimmerman’s request, hypothesizing that he’s just tired of public backlash and media coverage of the case. “I mean, if I were him, I’d probably pretend it was murder too. It sucks to be the subject of marches across the country and receive constant news coverage. But we simply can’t arrest an innocent man. It’s unethical” said Chief of the Sanford Police Department Bill Lee.

Later on Tuesday, confused and irritated by the fact that no law enforcement officers came to his house, Zimmerman went to the Sanford County police department to offer a personal plea to be put in the slammer. “Please, put me behind bars. I can’t think of anything I deserve more,” Zimmerman shouted in the lobby of the precinct.

Chris Serino, Sanford Police homicide detective assigned to the case, responded by telling Zimmerman that the department would consider pursuing his arrest if he put on a hoodie and purchased some snacks at a local convenience store. When asked why he waited until now to come forward and admit his wrong-doing, Zimmerman noted “I just want to be arrested by the real police before someone tries to get the Black Panthers’ bounty.”

University concedes to all Occupy Vanderbilt demands because they “asked nicely”

Michael Hogue — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 04:34:08 +0000

Nashville, Tenn.- In a press conference this Tuesday, Chancellor Nicholas Zeppos announced that the administration of Vanderbilt University will fully comply with all requests made by the student protest movement known as Occupy Vanderbilt.
“We at the University believe that the students are what give this school its unique identity, so their voices will be heard by the administration, and we will work to respond to their concern,” stated the chancellor. Added Zeppos, “Especially when they ask nicely, which they did. I mean, they said ‘please.’”
From the start, the Occupy Vanderbilt movement has been clear about its goals: better wages for dining workers, ethical investment of the university endowment, and greater student influence in university operations. Chancellor Zeppos addressed each of these three concerns in the press conference.
“To start with, I’ll be using the entirety of my $2.4 million salary to increase the pay of our service workers, hard-working individuals who keep the wheels of this fine institution turning” Zeppos told The Slant. The new payment plan will have a baseline of $7.75 per hour, plus tips, plus commission, with a new insurance plan that covers “some health things.”
The administration also intends to re-evaluate endowment funds to insure ethical allocations of university money. Current investment endeavors receiving “questionable” status include Enron, Puppy Killers Inc., African land grabs, and Satan.
The big news, however, is the university’s new approach to policy-making. After close consultation with the board of trust, the administrative powers of Vanderbilt have decided that from now on, all university policies will be decided by the unanimous consensus of the student body.
“We trust our students to make decisions about how to govern themselves effectively,” stated Zeppos. “They consistently choose between identical VSG presidential candidates, and which movie of the month they’d prefer to see. Deciding on the functioning of a prestigious institution of higher learning seems well within their capabilities.”
Vanderbilt’s new policies are a landmark in students’ rights. Never before has the school’s administration been so in tune to student concerns and responded so graciously to student requests. Said Zeppos, “The students asked so nicely, with such great manners, we just had to comply. And check out this nice ‘Thank You’ card they sent us!”