The Slant

God on Tebow / Football

Alec Jordan — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 03:12:24 +0000

By: God.

Tim Tebow can be a starting quarterback in the NFL. In fact, Tim can do anything he sets his mind to.

It is rare enough that I find such devotion as his in any of my children, much less among professional athletes.

But Tim is special; anyone who has watched him pray knows this. It was my Divine Will that he should lead his team to the Super Bowl and come away victorious.

I believe in free will for my people, however. It was Tim’s own choices that led to his eventual downfall this season. It was not I who told him to throw so many balls so incredibly poorly during his start against the Patriots, nor was it my hand that struck the ball from his when he fumbled the ball back to Tom Brady.

Obviously, I do take some matters into my own hands. For instance, Ben Roethlisberger is quite the sinner and scumbag. I did not want to grace him with another Super Bowl appearance. And in regard to the Saints, even were they aptly named, there is no way in Hell I was going through another entire year of “Who ‘Dat.”

Many people seem to confuse “omniscient” and “perfect.” I am the former; not the latter. Tom Brady has never been the favorite of my children, and when he smote Tim’s playoff chances, I will admit that I lost my temper.

Yes, it was I who blew on Ahmad Bradshaw to make him fall into the endzone in the fourth quarter. I knew that, despite the talents Tom Brady was given by me, there would be no comeback for him in this game. You might say I did not have faith in him.

Tim was, and still is, my Chosen One. He will simply have to work more and pray harder in order to prove it next season. But, yes; Tim will come again.

Wordcount: 318

Jesus Christ Dismissed From Christian Fraternity Due to Judaism

Nate Braman — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 01:34:09 +0000

Vanderbilt’s BYX chapter has found itself embroiled in heated controversy over the recent expulsion of Jesus H. Christ, principal deity of the Catholic faith. Christ has been an active member of the organization since 2010 AD, until this Thursday when the savior asked a brother whether the sausage bacon Groundhog’s Day burger was kosher. This, combined with his track record of missing Bible Bro-down on Friday nights, aroused suspicions that Jesus was, in fact, a Jew.

Jason Hoyt, executive director of BYX , commented on the matter in a press conference yesterday, stating, “Of course Jesus is great and all, but this is a matter of principle. If you let a non-Christian into a Christian fraternity, what’s to stop them from running for an office? Then you’d have a bunch of Christians following a Jew. That’s absurd.”

The controversy has reached far beyond the campus becoming an international point of contention in just a few days. Even Pope Benedict XVI has weighed in on the situation, telling reporters last Saturday that, “As our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ once said, ‘for the one who is weak in faith, welcome him, but not to quarrel over opinions,’ which is precisely why our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ should not be welcomed into the Vanderbilt BYX chapter. With a Jew present, they’d be way too tempted to quarrel over opinions.”

Not all members of BYX believe Christ’s expulsion was the right decision, however. BYX President Peter Pilate opposed a disciplinary reaction, but, under pressure from a majority of the brothers, was forced to terminate Christ’s membership. When the Slant contacted Pilate for a statement, he merely responded, “I wash my hands of this, bro.”

Christ’s fellow divine being and former coworker, Lucifer, told the Slant, “Look, I’m all for conflict and disunity among all you mortals, and I’ve never really been a huge fan of that Jesus guy, I’ll be the first to admit it. But doesn’t this seem a little ridiculous? The dude obviously cares about Christianity enough to spend six weeks cleaning the Brother’s choir robes and working at the house on Prayer Patrol. Hell, this just seems crazy to me. And that’s coming from the guy who flogs heretics with their own small intestines for a living.”
Christ has not let the controversy sour his views on Greek life, however, and reports that he has plans to rush ZBT next semester.

Slant Letters to the Editor (2-5-12)

Justin Barisich — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 23:47:23 +0000

My Dearest Slantson,

I know you’ve been looking forward to this big football game all year, but at the end of the day, it really doesn’t matter who wins. As you know and have been well-conditioned, the Slant family only tolerates all that crazy ball playing just to watch the commercials. Don’t disappoint us by showing any excitement for a touchdown, unless it happens on a light beer commercial.

For the love of the game,
Grandpappy Slant

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

To Whom It May Concern at The Slant:

We’d like to thank you for keeping us sane after all our years together. As you’ve repeatedly witnessed, we can often range the full spectrum of emotions – sometimes getting carried away with our own fanatical ideas of what is legal in the name of “journalistic” reporting, other times resorting to chronicling the minute details of our boring weekends because of a lack of content for or interest in our own publication. If we ever fail at inserting satire in our own paper ever again, feel free to flog us with a stack of our unread issues sitting out in the hallway.

Please never abandon us.
From Whom It Has Concerned at The Hustler

Slant TFLVP Options (2-5-12)

Justin Barisich — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 23:16:41 +0000

(504): The Haitian has a name! The Haitian has a name! It’s Rene.
(678): What, 3.5 seasons before a character gets a name? #bullshit
(504): I agree, and the other characters were all so super casual about it. I bet that the NAACP called in to the show’s producers and lobbied a complaint.
(678): Probs. Also, Heroes is your crack.

(504): Such a fitting face, once again. I swear, they must have modeled the emoticons after you.

(504): Awww, so I guess your body doesn’t want me anymore then, huh?
(678): It just invited you to my bed. You tell me.

(419): I told him I’d hire him to be my official Jeopardy expert if he would hire me to be his official rockhound. Job crisis? Solved.
(504): Rockhound sounds like a porn term…

(504): I’m having scrambled eggs and beer for dinner…b/c that’s all I have in my apt.

(504): Is it bad that I am scared to play Words with Friends against you?
(504): Becuz of mah mad werd skillz?
(504): You should lose your English degree for that.

(504): Guess who’s drunk at work???

Black History Month Gets 3.5% Longer

Peter Linck — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 23:21:51 +0000

Black History Month will get approximately 3.5% longer this year as an extra day will be added, bringing the total to twenty nine. Speculation has begun as to what the effects on Black History Month will be, and many are hoping that people will take the time to learn 3.5% more about blacks’ influence on American history.

Reception of the new day seems to be generally positive among black history enthusiasts who are excited by the extra time they will have to celebrate. Carter G. Woodson, creator of Black History Month, said “With this extra day, we’ll be able to celebrate the lives of even the most obscure black figures such as Alfred L. Cralle, inventor of the ice cream scoop. Or perhaps Lonnie Johnson, inventor of the Super Soaker. Or even more obscure, Valerie Thomas who invented the illusion transmitter, a futuristic type of television that projects 3-D images into your very living room. Look out for it to catch on in a few years.” Sources say that Martin Luther King Sr. has hopes of being recognized this year for his early work in the civil rights movement.

Some of the bigger names in black history have voiced concern about the extra day, worrying that their accomplishments might be overshadowed in favor of these new faces. George Washington Carver issued a statement saying “It’s absurd that these newcomers should overshadow veterans like myself. I developed like 100 uses for the peanut plant and got an award from the NAACP. I am black history.” Marcus Garvey voiced similar concerns, saying “I barely get the attention I deserve as it is. I promoted black economic empowerment and, if nothing else, inspired the name of a great hip-hop group. This extra day will do do nothing but further obscure my legacy.” W.E.B. Du Bois and Booker T. Washington also recently mentioned in interviews that they hope the day does not take the spotlight off of them, as they hoped people would learn this year what their initials stand for.

The first through the twenty eighth day of February seem okay with the extra day, hoping it perhaps will bring black history into American consciousness for once. The fourteenth day was particularly upset by the controversy around the twenty ninth day, commenting “Can’t we just all love each other?” Day number twenty nine seemed excited to be around this year, saying “Regardless of what happens on me, I think we can all agree: black history is American history.”

The Slan’ts Guide to the Republican Primary

Michael Hogue — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 19:58:06 +0000

Here at The Slant, we’re extremely interested in the Republican Primary, but not because we’re informed, active citizens; it’s mostly because we think the Republicans are hilarious. So, here’s a rundown of this year’s race for the Republican nomination.
Mitt Romney: A former governor of Massachusetts, Mitt Romney seems to be the frontrunner at this point in the race. The Slant likes Romney because he reminds us of our own Cornelius Vanderbilt: enormously wealthy. Romney made a fortune in management consulting and investment businesses before entering the political field, making him a true man of the people- specifically, rich people. Romney, however, has a questionable political past. He oversaw the implementation of statewide healthcare in Massachusetts , an outright socialist move. Everyone seems to know that he’s a Mormon, which we at The Slant think is hilarious. He’s known as a flip-flopper, which is funny. Who walks around wearing flip flops during a political campaign?
Newt Gingrich: At The Slant, we fully endorse Gingrich’s big- head platform. Furthermore, his name is Newt, which we’re assuming he changed it to as a joke. As far as human rights issues go, Newt is pro-divorce. We like Newt because pretty much every word out of his mouth is a joke. He plays it pretty blue sometimes, when he does his bit about how Mexicans “need to learn the language of prosperity.” The Slant fully endorses Newt Gingrich, and due to the hilarity of his jokes, think he would make a great president. Unless American gets cancer. Then he would leave us.
Ron Paul: The Texas representative is a perennial favorite with Slant political analysts. Like many comedians, he’s adopted a character bit that he does quite well- Delusional Old Man Who Somehow Thinks He’s Electable and Keeps Running for Office. Ron Paul has this great joke about wanting to “end the Fed,” which has inspired the Vanderbilt comedic student organization, the Vanderbilt Libertarians. Ron “Crazy Eyes” Paul is definitely the funniest candidate, so we here at The Slant endorse him wholeheartedly.
Rick Santorum: In a previous issue of The Slant, we gave an endorsement to Rick Santorum, because he’s the closest thing to a gay candidate. After a failed re-election campaign for a Pennsylvania senate seat in 2006, Santorum has decided to run for president, which was a great start to his comedic career. Santorum’s best bit is his anti-human rights joke, where he acts like he’s vehemently opposing abortion and same-sex marriage. Santorum is known for taking jokes pretty far, which The Slant always supports. Santorum has defined his last name on Urban Dictionary “The sometimes frothy, usually slimy, amalgam of lubricant, stray fecal matter, and ejaculate that leaks out of the receiving partner’s anus after a session of anal intercourse.” Santorum has made some great jokes in his political career, but his comedy is all over the place, and needs some direction.

God’s opinion on Rick Perry Revised

Michael Hogue — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 19:37:33 +0000

I remember when I first made a covenant with Rick Perry- I would raise Rick to the position of Texas governor, father of my chosen people, the Texans, and they would be known by their over-zealous evangelism. There seems to be some confusion over the end of Rick’s campaign, so I would just like to opportunity to clarify: I called Rick to run for president, yes, and I called him to drop out of the race, as a test of faith.
I called Rick to run for President of the United States, telling him that he would lead My favorite chosen nation from the bonds of slavery of Obama’s socialism. Rick said, “But LORD, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.” And sure enough, first debate, he goes and embarrasses himself like that. “And the uh……uh….” I was disappointed, but I’ve learned not to expect too much from the human race.
Rick’s campaign was a disaster from the start. I was waffling over whether or not to call Rick to run for president, but he really put me in an awkward position when he held that prayer rally in Houston. He clearly wanted Me to call him to the presidential race; he was already acting like a prophet. So I sent Gabriel to him in a dream one night, to tell him to run for president.
Rick was a sloppy speaker, but I couldn’t have someone speak for him like I did with Moses, the media would be all over that shit.
I never meant for Rick to win the Republican primary, much less become president. No, that would be disastrous. FYI, I never want any Republican to win the presidency, these days. They’re so uber-conservative. Jesus tells people to care for the poor, and what do they do? Cut funding for social programs, cut taxes on the super-rich. Why do you think I told Zaccheus to give all the money he swindled back to the people he had cheated?
I also called Rick to drop out of the presidential race. Like I said, it was never about putting him in the White House. No, it was a test of faith. I wanted to see Rick’s willingness to serve Me. Sure, his campaign was a letdown, but it was always going to be. The point is that Rick acted on his faith in Me, that he showed America that he was willing to obey Me and go wherever I send him.
In that sense, the campaign was a huge success, just because it happened. It was a test of Rick’s faith, and he passed.
Oh, and best of all, in my infinite wisdom, through Rick’s act of faith, Mr. Beaujangles, an adorable kitty at the pound, will not be put down. I told you, I work all things for the best.

Jesus Christ Dismissed From Christian Fraternity Due to Judaism

Nate Braman — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 07:57:47 +0000

BYX member Chris Taylor told the slant, “I like Jesus, he’s an alright guy. But you can’t have a Jew in a Christian frat. We can’t make that exception for anybody, not even if they have a really powerful Dad. I understand that he’s upset, but I’m sure he’ll forgive me.”
Christ has had difficulties with the fraternity in the past. Just last year, he was placed on probation for turning water to Manischewitz on multiple occasions, a clear violation of the fraternity’s no alcohol policy.
Not all members of BYX believe Christ’s expulsion was the right decision, however. BYX President Peter Pilate opposed a disciplinary reaction, but, under pressure from a majority of the brothers, was forced to terminate Christ’s membership. When the Slant contacted Pilate for a statement, he merely responded, “I wash my hands of this, bro.”

Christ told the Slant, “I’m really upset about what happened. I loved being in BYX. I loved the brotherhood of a fraternity. As I’ve always said, the Greek shall inherit the Earth. “
The conflict escalated even further when Christ returned three days after his expulsion with twelve friends to retrieve the copy of Call of Duty he had left there.
Christ has not let the experience sour his views on Greek life, however, and told the Slant that he has plans to rush ZBT next semester.

Coach Franklin Recruited

Alec Jordan — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 02:50:09 +0000

After one of the most successful football seasons recent history, Vanderbilt is seeking to increase the role of Coach James Franklin.
The university, looking to improve various teams on campus, has been courting Franklin primarily to coach Men’s Basketball, Women’s Swimming, and the student workers who operate the omelet stations at Rand Brunch.
Two years in a row now, Vanderbilt’s Men’s Basketball team has stirred up quite a bit of hype, only to lose to a lower-seeded team in the first round of the March tourney. While many students claim this trend is a “typical Vanderbilt athletic performance,” the administration has admitted disappointment and a desire to improve.
“At many universities, the goal of sporting events is to win,” reported Vanderbilt athletic director, Lance Legstrong. “We want to become one of those universities, and Coach Franklin seems the best hope to create a winning tradition.”
It seems the university’s motivations in regards to the Women’s Swim team are similar. Apparently, at the most recent swim meet, attendance dropped from its normal seven fans down to three, with seemingly no explanation for the drop. “If we could get more people to attend these meets, we may be able to afford to build a real pool on campus to make the program more attractive to prospective athletes,” claimed Legstrong. “I assume the location is the problem, at least. I have not actually attended a meet to confirm this.”
The issues surrounding the omelet operators, however, are entirely different and much more severe. When searching for commentators on the growing catastrophe, initial attempts proved futile. Finally, one student, who requested to remain anonymous, was found hunched over a toilet. “It’s not even food poisoning,” he said. “It just tasted fucking awful.”
Preliminary examinations appear that student workers with absolutely no knowledge about what an omelet is, much less how to make one, were hired this semester. While hopes for a full turn around are slim, Legstrong and the rest of the community hope that Franklin can at least creating a winning mindset and turn the program around, as he did with the Football team.
Franklin has yet to release his answer, but is expected to do so in charismatic fashion so that people can post his video repeatedly on Facebook.

377 Words

Azarenka-Sharapova game shatters record for most boners at a public event

Joseph Dow — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 18:51:43 +0000

Azarenka-Sharapova game breaks record for most boners in a public setting.

Maria Sharapova’s defeat rocked the world of women’s tennis last week in her match against Victoria Azarenka. The outcome of this match has been deemed a step forward for the sport, as officials proudly declared that the record for most boners at a public event was shattered. During the back and forth moaning volleys of Sharapova and Azarenka, the two managed to accrue an astonishing 245 boners by male audience members. Sharapova commented on her achievement by saying “the two greatest moments of my life were when I became a professional women’s tennis player and yesterday when I looked into my mothers’ eyes after she had heard about the record and she said ‘that’s my girl.’” Sharapova is as notorious for her ability in the sport as she is for letting loose overtly sexual moans like clockwork every serve. The record for most boners at a public setting was first set by a determined group of acne-riddled Apple fanboys at Steve Jobs’ announcement of the IPad several years ago. Since then, people around the world have been breaking all kinds of boner records ( “boner breakers” as they’re called in the industry) including the record for the least amount of boners, which belongs to the audience of a live screening of Oprah in 2003. Indeed there is a rich history of boner records, but the Azarenka-Sharapova match has set the bar high for future hopefuls in this truly unique arena.