Following their basketball team’s loss to Vanderbilt in the NCAA tournament last week several Harvard University students have come out expressing a lack of concern for the win. The Harvard students all seem to agree that while Vanderbilt has a better basketball team, Harvard is a better university and that “We [Harvard students] are all going to be your bosses some day.”
That quote comes from Harvard student body president Rick Cunningham. Rick held a press conference following the game to express his overall feelings about Vanderbilt. Cunningham cited the higher SAT and ACT scores of Harvard’s incoming freshman class, the higher pay achieved by Harvard alums, and the eight president’s who are Harvard alumni as reasons that “We’re not going to lose any sleep over this basketball game.”
Harvard head coach Tommy Amaker mentioned the academic gap in his post-game comments. “Oh sure, it’s easy to win basketball games at a place like Vanderbilt, where any Tom, Dick, and Harry with a 3.7 and good extra-circulars can get in. But at Harvard we’ve got higher standards than that. And one of the results is that it’s tougher for us to field a team. What’re you gonna do?”
Other students echoed the sentiment following the game. Nicole McCallan was present at the game and talked to Slant reporters following the loss. “Sure, today Vanderbilt beat us at basketball. But tomorrow ours will still be one of the top two universities in the country. What will Vanderbilt be? Top 20? What is that?”
Digs about Vanderbilt’s academic strength were flying fast and furious during the game as well. One group of Harvard students at the game held up a scathing sign that read, in part, “What do a Harvard student and a Vanderbilt student have in common? They both applied to Harvard.”
Many Vanderbilt fans we’re angered by these remarks. Donald Allen, A&S sophomore says he hates the stereotype that “Everyone here at Vanderbilt is a dumb jock. I mean sure we like to party and play sports, but that doesn’t mean our school isn’t just as academically rigorous as Harvard. Give us some credit, guys.”
When informed of this comment, Rick Cunningham laughed out loud for a full five minutes before simply remarking, “That’s adorable. Please tell me you have video of him saying that.”
Chancellor Nick Zeppos attempted to weigh in on the conflict by reminding students that “Vanderbilt has always prided itself on its high academic standards. As a matter of fact you might even say that Vanderbilt is the Harvard of the South.”
This comment seemed to anger Harvard President Drew Faust. In an unusually candid press conference Mr. Faust said “Alright, let’s get a few things straight here: one, we never gave you guys permission to use our name in all your admissions material, so you all need to cut that “Harvard of the South” shit out right now. Second, I don’t think you realize that by using our name like that, you’re essentially ceding the point that our university is both better known and better respected than yours. That’s just sad. Third, being ‘the Harvard of the South’ would only be impressive if the South were known for having high quality universities. It isn’t. You know what part of the country is known for having a lot of high quality universities? The Northeast, where we are. All this slogan does is remind people that better universities exist and that most of them are in a better part of the country. Please, for your sake and ours, stop using it.”
While Vanderbilt students report being hurt and downright offended by these comments from Harvard students, Slant reporters have found that many students are already preparing to say some of these exact same things about the University Wisconsin following their team’s inevitable victory.

Microbiologists with the Centers for Disease Control have announced that they have successfully isolated the bacterium responsible for the so-called March Madness spectrum of disorders.

The paper, which appeared in the March 15^th issue of Nature, identifies the causal mechanism through which a newly discovered strain of P. Anaerosius, tentatively named Marchromatium, infects the brainstem and induces the temporary delirium.

Epidemiologists estimate that over 10 million Americans suffer from the debilitating condition each March. Because of the short timeframe when symptoms present, the disease has become known colloquially as the March Madness, a reference to the mad March Hare of Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland.

The severity of symptoms associated with condition very widely: from developing strong, quickly changing opinions about the cultures of parts of the country they’ve never visited to skipping important life events, like the birth of a child, to watch two teams they have never heard of play. Nearly all of the affected report inflated beliefs about their ability to preform complex statistical analysis to determine likely outcomes of the games.

For some sufferers, like Chris Leary, 38, the disease is much more than a label. Having contracted the condition in early childhood, his symptoms have progressed to the point where he is now compelled to watch all 63 games, buying special cable packages just to experience the event.

Last year, his wife of 15 years left him. She told The Slant that she “just couldn’t stand to watch him watch those games, anymore. It was just too hard to see him develop a stronger emotional connection to the 600 players of each year’s tournament than to his own family.” Chris reportedly did not notice the absence of his wife or children until after the championship game.

Now that scientists have identified the cause of the March Madness, there is a sense of renewed hope of a cure for people like Chris, but whether or not it will be enough to allow sufferers rebuild their shattered lives remains to be seen.

SEC Men’s Basketball champions Jeff Taylor and Lance Goulbourne brought home another piece of hardware to the Vanderbilt campus as they were given the Quiznos Most Valuable Customer award for the 2011-2012 season. Having frequented at least two locations since the beginning of the school year, Taylor and Goulbourne proved to deliver the same winning results on the sandwich line that they have shown on the basketball court.

“It has really just been amazing what these young men have been able to do with quality ingredients,” Quiznos CEO Greg Brenneman said. “We have been serving up the absolute best in sandwich material since 1981, but never before have we seen such poise when ordering, eating, enjoying a premium beverage and finishing up – all key phases of the game.”

When asked about his approach to taking on the menu, Taylor and Goulbourne revealed their revolutionary strategies.

“You can’t get the same thing every time,” Taylor said. “That’s like giving the other team your game plan before tipoff.”

“The secret is banana peppers,” Goulbourne said. “It will turn even the most basic Honey Bourbon Chicken into a standout performance.”

Although most Quiznos enthusiasts praise the pair, few holdouts remain as opposition.

“I been eating Quiznos for 31 years, and I never done got any stinkin’ peppers,” 1985 Quiznos Hall of Famer Tony Gambinorino. “These boys weren’t even around for the great wheat crisis of ’82. I took down every Classic Italian that came my way, because that’s all we had back then.”

Richard Schaden, Quiznos founder, was complementary of the new champions.

“These bright young men have a great future ahead of them in the fast service sandwich eating league,” Schaden said. “Their greatness in college will only be eclipsed by their professional work. Vanderbilt is now forever a hotbed for future sandwich enjoying talent across the globe.”

The Quiznos trophy, the Golden Wheat Bun, will reside in McGugin athletic center. Students are discouraged from celebrating at Quiznos, as it will make the line take for freakin’ ever and cause the drink machine to run out of iced tea.

Prominent Nashville lawyer and former Vanderbilt undergrad Timothy Marshalls received a chicken Caesar wrap with fries last Tuesday, 15 years after the order was placed. Marshalls ordered the meal in his junior year, during the Clinton administration.

Marshalls spoke to the Slant about his delayed dinner, voicing his displeasure with the Pub’s service. “I just kept waiting for them to call order number ‘6827.’ At first, things looked promising. They called ‘6825,’ then ‘6826,’ but then all of a sudden they were at ‘7549.’ The fuck is that? Where the hell did those sandwiches go? I want answers. 700 sandwiches, unaccounted for. Also, the ketchup dispenser was low and it squirted out weird and I got some on my hand.”

“It was a difficult 15 years,” Marshalls confessed. “I was super hungry.”

Marshalls did, however, remark that “although the sandwich was older than my two kids, combined, the fries were really good and stuff.” He told the Slant that he would most likely order there again in the near future, presumably receiving that order in the substantially more distant future.
Eric McHenry, the chef who prepared Marshalls’ meal, spoke to the Slant, decrying the criticism as “outrageous.”
“Every meal here is a work of art. In the case of Mr. Marshalls’ meal, I spent years sketching his food, discovering the divine proportions of a chicken Caesar wrap. I travelled to Italy, admiring the work of the masters. Hell, I wasn’t even able to start cooking ‘til 2003.”
“In 2008, I had a brief spat of disillusionment with the commercialism of modern day fast food artistry, and spent the next year and a half in utter isolation. But after some much needed soul searching, I was right back to work. I completed Marshalls’ wrap, what was to be my crowning achievement, in early 2010. The sandwich then sorta sat on that big metal table in the back for a couple years, until someone noticed it and it was delivered to him.”
“I understand his frustration, but how would the Sistene Chapel have turned out if Michalangelo had had to get it done in fifteen minutes because the Pope had a 7 P.M. exam?”

It’s common these days to paint Gay Marriage as a “simple issue of equality” or as “a matter of basic human rights,” but, as I know all too well, marriage equality is foolish and downright dangerous. I’ve seen firsthand the horrible toll homosexuals can take on a heterosexual, or “correct,” relationship. I’ve decided to tell my story in hopes of raising awareness of the looming Gay-pocalypse that’s threatening the American family.

I met my former husband, Rick, during our senior year of High School. We had chemistry from day one; I was a cheerleader and he had a really nice car. After a prom night true love accident, we knew it was meant to be and tied the knot. We were together for five great years. Not including the trial separations in 2008 or 2010, that is. Needless to say, it was romance straight out of a fairytale. But what would a fairytale be without a couple of evil witches?

Everything changed in the spring of 2011. We were just walking through the park, minding our own business. When all of a sudden they were there. Two girls. Kissing. We couldn’t escape it; they were right where we wanted to sit down. I couldn’t believe they would do that to us.
That night, Rick and I were silent at the dinner table. I think we both wanted to talk, to say anything to make it better. But we couldn’t. Because of the gays.”

We didn’t know it at the time, but this was the beginning of the end for the two of us. We wanted to get through it; we wanted to make things work, but the gays were persistent in their assault on our marriage. We noticed them everywhere we went. Holding hands in Whole Foods. Kissing at the Madonna concert. We never really stood a chance.
Before long, it was tearing Rick and I apart in the worst way. We couldn’t go on like that any longer. The divorce was painful and complicated. No lawyer would represent me when I told them that Rick and I had been forced into this by the gays, no doubt too intimidated of invoking the homosexual’s wrath to take the case.
Telling our daughter was heartbreaking. Can you imagine how we felt? What it’s like to have to explain to your child that your divorce isn’t their fault, that it was the gays who did it? She just didn’t understand; children can be so naïve.

Like Romeo and Juliet, we had been tragically torn apart by forbidden love. Except that the love belonged to two guys and we were the ones doing the forbidding. Meh, close enough.
I want to make it very clear, however, that I’m not the least bit homophobic; gays are an essential part of our society. If it wasn’t for them, who would do my hair and make catty comments about what that one movie star wore to the Oscars? All I’m saying is that they don’t deserve to have the same rights as my husband and I; I still think they’re fabulous.

I hope you’ve seen the dark truth behind so-called “marriage equality.” It is poisonous and may possibly be the end of human love as we know it. Rick and I practically had our divorce papers served to us by Richard Simmons on a bedazzled platter. If it happened to us, it could happen to any other happy couple that sleeps in separate beds every night. The homosexuals are struggling with every bone in their bodies (one more than God intended) to destroy YOUR marriage. I’m imploring you, fight gay marriage. Because if they have the same rights as us, we’d be forced to admit that they’re people too. And my marriage just couldn’t handle that.

Earlier this month Russian scientists in Antarctica revealed that,
while they were excited about the piercing of 20 million year old Lake
Vostok, they “literally froze our balls off.”
Though the lake holds promise for life unseen by human eyes, ever,
scientists say they will be happy to get back to Russia after their
final few months of “this hellish freezer.”
Most archeologists are thrilled, as are biologists, climatologists,
and geologists, though during a convention in the much warmer Buenos
Aires none expressed their eagerness to explore the underground alien
world. The leading climatologist of our day, Swedish Dr. Heissau,
explained, “Too many cooks in the kitchen. We’ll probably just mess up
that whole operation. Besides, those Russian’s don’t mind the cold
like real Europeans.”
Russian Scientist Mikhail Ivanovich Rimsky mentioned a possibility of
an early return home, “if we can’t get this two mile-long drill-bit
back out of this hole.” These past few days there have been reports of
polar bear attacks on the drilling equipment, despite polar bears
living only on the north pole’s arctic sheets. While these are yet
unconfirmed, it may have drastic effects on how much longer the
Russian scientists will be able to continue their research.
Another Russian scientist, Natasha Alexandrovna Varenukha, in a brief
tweet noted, “Fuck this cold, and these evil penguins
#antarcticablows.” Minutes later, she retracted that statement,
tweeting, “Polar bears, I mean.”
Some of the other scientists have begun striking until they receive
hot cocoa, real Russian vodka, “not this Svedka shit,” and some
“Minet”, supposedly meaning oral sex. Russian President Medvedev is
only concerned about the the last two requests, but lamented, “We
haven’t been able to get anyone down to that Ice Chamber of Death [colloquial Russian] since they left. It’s just too damn cold.”

Cole Hall—Thanks to the unflagging efforts of The Margaret Cuninggim Women’s Center and Vandy Fems, single rooms in Cole Hall are set to be outfitted with their own private mini-kitchens for the 2012-2013 school year. At a time when many housing improvements are being made all around campus, Cole will join Kissam in plans for major renovations with the goal of increasing student satisfaction with on-campus housing.
Dean of Students Mark Bandas issued this statement regarding the changes in Cole: “Vanderbilt is happy to listen to and address the concerns of its students. Outfitting Cole with private kitchens wasn’t an issue we were aware of at the Office of Housing and Residential Education, but the hardworking ladies at the Women’s Center and Vandy Fems did a good job bringing this need to our attention. We are sensitive to the concerns of female students at Vanderbilt, and we are happy to provide each student in Cole Hall a kitchen, so essential nowadays to a young woman’s life.”
The kitchens will be added to all Cole singles on the first and second floors; third and fourth floors will be remodeled with kitchens in summer 2013. Small ovens will be added in the closets of these rooms, with sinks, cupboards, and counter space added in place of desks; students will be responsible for providing their own dishes and cutlery, though these costs will be considered in financial aid packages.
Vanderbilt feminists are taking pride in this accomplishment. One Vandy Fem and current resident of Cole commented to us, “Omitting kitchens from the only all-female dorm on campus is unfair discrimination. It’s about time that Vanderbilt supported us in our role as homemakers and provided us the tools we need to succeed!”
This ambitious move is expected to propel Vanderbilt high up the rankings for dorm life, following other schools who have offered private kitchens, and also such amenities as spas, divorce lawyers, and tanning beds.

The Blakemore House, located at 2818 Vanderbilt Place, will be offered as new housing option starting next fall. Housing 148 students, the Blakemore House will help alleviate the stress on on-campus housing caused by the planned demolition of Kissam Quad before next semester. Few students know much information about the Blakemore House at all, so I requested a visit from Vanderbilt’s housing office; they eagerly offered me a tour and an overnight visit, which I graciously accepted. I took along my notebook and recorded my experiences, which I present to you, Slant reader, in hopes of disseminating excitement for this new housing opportunity.
I stepped into the main lobby of the Blakemore House, and was greeted by a brightly-lit interior and a subtle waft of old person smell. My tour guide, Agnes, gave me a rundown of the building’s brief history. She had lived there since its construction as a retirement home in 1984, and had apparently tried to leave several times, only to be located wandering in nearby fields and dragged back each time.
Blakemore House features its own enclosed courtyard, perfect for enjoying pseudo-nature without the harrows of vanturing into the city streets. However, when I tried to stroll across the lawn, an old man started shaking his cane and yelling at me to get off the grass from his window on the second floor.
From there, Agnes took me to visit the rec room. It was nice and spacious, with plenty of checkerboards and televisions playing The Price is Right. It features a nice open gymnasium floor, where Agnes informed me the RAs will run their programmed events; Shuffleboard Saturdays and croquet classes are already being planned for the Fall.
It was getting late at that point–the sun was almost down–so Agnes showed me to my room and said good night. The rooms were very cozy. They’re a bit small for a double but furnished warmly, with beds lofted over the dual rocking chairs and floral print on every surface. Lights were automatically timed to turn off at bedtime–the responsible hour of 8 o’clock, which I think is a wonderful choice by Vanderbilt to improve student sleep schedules. I slept comfortably, except for he old lady who woke me up every so often by wandering into my room, calling me “son,” and reminiscing about her childhood.
I slept in late and woke up refreshed, finally getting out of bed at 6:30. Agnes took me to Blakemore House’s own munchie mart for breakfast, but the options there weren’t great. It mostly had ginger ale, FiberOne, and hard candies, but I found some Grape Nuts cereal and headed on my way. Overall, the Blakemore House was a very nice place to visit, but I can’t recommend applying to live there if you have another option. While most things about the dorm were nice, I had the overbearing feeling that if I decided to move in there, I would never be leaving.

Last week, under harsh economic sanctions and allegations of secret nuclear affairs, Iran stated that it was “through with that bitch [US]” and “simply couldn’t stand the constant bickering,” when the U.N. decided to intervene and send them to marriage counseling.
The U.S. have publicly responded, saying, “I couldn’t trust him [Iran], he’s been hiding so much from me; I just don’t know who he is anymore.”
Though Iran and the United States have recently been going through 40 year rough patch, it wasn’t always so hostile. Once, when their relationship was still blooming, the U.S. mentioned the great times of the 1960′s, “late nights, my ‘undercover agency’ and his ‘undercover agency’ doing secret Ops, even the freaky stuff with Britain showed how much we trusted each other.” Iran replied, saying, “but even then she was so controlling, having the Shah checking up on me at work, and the second I try to do something for myself, she blows a gasket. I think she only really loved me for my oil all along.”
Though the U.S. denied controlling Iran in those times, she couldn’t deny the sexiness that came with all that power.
Dr. Drew from Love Line said ominously, “this kind of thing really gets hit hard in counseling, I think we’re going to see a lot more radiation from this meltdown than originally expected.”
The anonymous U.N. counselor noted, “we’re not going to choose sides, but if we do, it’s probably going to be the side with the biggest guns.” He added with a wink, “if you know what I mean.”
While many analysts are calling this simply “a lover’s spat”, Iran seems serious. “I just can’t deal with that psycho-bitch anymore.”

Rand Dining Hall has recently issued a report which reveals that popular entertainer Beyoncé Knowles is its current source of milk. Knowles recently had a baby, Blue Ivy Carter, with husband Jay-Z. The report makes public that she produces some 2,600 gallons of milk per day, obviously more than her newborn can consume. The report also claims that Jay-Z proposed the initial idea of bottling and selling his wife’s milk. “Beyoncé didn’t tell y’all to sell milk. Hov did that,” commented the rapper, a well-known entrepreneur.

The report, issued last Tuesday, also details the step-by-step plan by which the University acquires her milk. Knowles wakes up each day when Jay-Z’s cock crows and milks herself using state-of-the-art milking machines. She then pasteurizes the product and sends it to be bottled at Roc-A-Fella Bottling Plant in New York. The report also notes that Knowles uses her milk to make other products such as yogurt and butter.

“Knowles has some of the best breast milk available,” noted scientist and FDA agent Cal Cium. “Her milk has all the vitamins and minerals a healthy body needs. It would be a crime for her to not capitalize on this prime lactation.” In conjunction with this new business venture, Beyoncé has also begun a new “Lemme Upgrade Ya Milk” campaign which promotes eating healthily and exercising regularly among students. Vanderbilt students seem generally receptive to the new milk campaign. “It’s a definite step up from the cow and Dolly Parton milk we usually get. I mean, we pay $60,000 a year to go here. I expect milk from the most famous of teats” commented spoiled Vanderbilt junior Louisa Pasteur.

Knowles is seen by many as an unfair new-comer to the market and she now holds a monopoly. Former market dominator Prairie Farms recently filed for bankruptcy, issuing a statement that “students are crazy in love with her milk, and we cannot handle the competition.” Many entertainers remain supportive of the singer’s milk market despite this corporate backlash. Jamaican rapper and former Beyoncé collaborator Sean Paul even voiced his opinion, saying “Jus at dem gal den ting da Dutty di goody goody milk haffi mi tool gimme de gal dem Beyoncé!”