This past production cycle, a Slant writer went undercover to expose the poor working conditions of The Slant staff. What he found was shocking: long hours, forced funniness, and unfair treatment for the small staff of humorists who work for the publication. One brave writer spoke up to end the oppression.
“This one time, Dan [King, Editor-in-Chief of The Slant] locked us in the production room and wouldn’t let us leave until we had all submitted a draft of a story,” said Slant writer Sam Mallick. “It was torture. We had no food. No water. And then nobody would give me quotes for this story because they were afraid of being choked with barbed wire, so I had to quote myself.”
Sam’s story is like that of so many oppressed Slant writers. Many of them claim to have been starved until they produced stories for the next issue of the Slant, including another writer who wishes to remain anonymous but for the purposes of this article will be called ‘Sam M.’
“He told us we couldn’t leave to get food,” Sam M. said. “We were all so hungry but that didn’t matter to Dan. We had to work until we nearly passed out. When he caught me trying to order a pizza online, he picked up the computer and beat me with it.”
Our undercover reporter was even more shocked when King began rejecting stories because they were not funny enough. Another writer came forward to tell his shocking tale.
“I turned in a draft of my story,” said Slant writer S. T. Mallick. “I thought it was some of my best work, and that’s saying something because I’m really funny. And then Dan took the paper I turned it in on, used it to give me paper cuts, and then threw salt at me.”
Our reporter’s findings got even more disturbing. All Slant writers are required to attend compulsory production sessions, where they are forced to Photoshop images and proofread stories for hours on end.
Another staff member, S. Mallick, whose eyes had nearly dried out from hours of proofreading and forced dehydration, came forward to tell his horrifying tale.
“When I didn’t find enough errors in a story I was proofreading, Dan literally stapled my left hand to the table,” S. Mallick said. “When I still didn’t find enough, he duct-taped my eyelids open.”
One very brave, exceedingly handsome, not to mention single, writer, Samuel Mallick, tried to escape from the production session. King put all of Sarratt on lockdown and released his pack of German Shepherds to catch Mallick.
“When the dogs got me, Dan brought me back to the production room and said he was going to make an example of me,” Mallick said. “He made me stand on hot coals and then he pistol-whipped me in front of the whole staff.”
“It was the most horribly disturbing thing I’ve ever seen,” said an onlooker who whishes to remain anonymous and will simply be referred to as S.M. “I was terrified. I’m just glad somebody is courageous enough to expose this cruelty.”
Our undercover reporter said that he plans to continue exposing the abysmal working conditions of the underappreciated Slant writers until something done. He hopes that he can inspire the student body to speak out against this cruelty and take a stand on behalf of the Slant staff members.

<Women’s Opinion on God
First of all, typical man thinking he’s some sort of omnipotent being. Who died and made you King of Heaven? All the women in the world got together for our monthly meeting to decide how to respond to that malarkey you call an opinion, and while many of us displayed impressive short hand and typist skills, I was eventually appointed to respond on behalf of women everywhere.
“God,” if that is in fact your real name, I have to take offense to your claim that the only time a women should be heard is when she’s talking about football, or making you a sandwich (though, on that note, I find myself curious about what God’s favorite sandwich is. I’m going no mayo right now. Trying to watch my weight.) Your text undermines the progress women have made in the past one hundred years, from Alice Paul to Hilary Clinton. The idea that all women talk about is shopping is propitiating a stereotype that feminists work hard to combat.
For example, I was doing lunch with my girl Trish last week (thanks for making her butt so big, by the way, it really makes me feel better about myself), and we were gabbing about the various injustices against women in the world, such as the fact a beautiful, classy lady like Halle Berry had to go topless just to get an Oscar, or how annoying it is when you’re trying to buy a pair of black strappy sandals, and they only have brown strappy sandals, because, come on, brown is so much harder to pair with an outfit than black, because black is so universal, therefore I absolutely love black clothing because it is slimming and elegant; except I was watching the State of the Union address (go ahead and be shocked about the woman who knows about poltics) and they cut to Michelle Obama and she was wearing this amazing sort of blue satin number from Barbara Tfank's spring resort collection, which as I told you the other day, was really impressive because she managed to mix summer fabrics with winter colors, which is perfect for the kind of weather we’ve been having here lately.
Obviously, men should be expected to listen more. God, I feel like all you ever want out of this relationship is one thing, and I just can’t accept your son as my lord and savior every night. A girl needs her rest. I think if you really listened, you would find that we can be just as critical as you are about other women. You jumped right from your creation to Eve all the way to Helen Keller? There are plenty of worse models that could be mentioned in between. Joan of Arc? Butch Complainer. Helen of Troy? International Slut. Emily Dickenson? Undersexed Slag.
Finally, I just want to say “thanks.” Thanks for the blame for the eternal downfall of man. Thanks for the Salem Witch Trials. Thanks for forced illiteracy. Thanks for sororities. Thanks for the textile industry. And thanks for rape. It’s all awesome. Oh, and God, I’ve met Mila Kunis. Don’t be so proud of yourself. Up close she’s like a 6.

Does your day go by without egregious pestilence, warfare, famine, and death? Well that’s about to change, now that a bunch of sorority girl wannabes have summoned the foul demon overlord Gozta to campus.
Worshippers of Gozta have been appearing around campus lately, making known their usually underground presence at high-traffic areas like at Rand lunch, in an effort to recruit the necessary additional acolytes for the summoning of Gozta. Handing out the symbol of Gozta—a bright pink ribbon—and tricking girls with their innocuous smiles, these succubi have successfully filled their ranks with the numbers they need for their blood rituals. They target women who didn’t make it into any sororities, counting on their low self-esteem and desire to exact revenge on the rest of campus.
The final step in this cult’s summoning ritual involved coating trees around Alumni Lawn and other parts of main campus with their symbol—broad pink ribbons—with a written invocation of Gozta’s name on them. An aerial view of these ribbons would reveal that they make the shape of a pentagram.
Preceded by the intense lightning storms which wracked campus for several days, Gozta emerged from his sulfurous prison below the earth’s crust and into the Marriott hotel on the evening of February 2nd.
While it may seem curious to an outsider why these women would want to subject themselves and the rest of campus to Gozta’s fiery rule, cultists assure us of their firm belief in his supreme righteousness. One follower spoke to us regarding her convictions:
“Yeah, I like got cut from all the sororities during rush. I cried for days, but then the cult of Gozta appeared and offered me a place to fit in. They accepted me for who I am. And if part of that belonging means slashing my hand and using my blood to summon a demon, like, get over it!”
Asked why she wanted to bring death and destruction to campus, she said, “I don’t need like a bunch of fake friends. Gozta is the only friend I need. I couldn’t care less if everyone else didn’t exist!”
Enemies of Gozta can expect fear, plagues, fighting, and more as the demon wanders campus, spreading his ill-will. Even his worshippers are not safe, being subjected to horrors such as forced anorexia/bulimia, dangerous levels of forced drinking and use of cocaine, and nonstop harsh judgment by Gozta of everything they do, including everything they say and wear, and whom they hook up with.
Campus has seen such horrors on campus in the past, though most still exist, and have been simply accepted as the status quo. Another senior worshipper tried to help us understand the reasons for Gozta’s summoning:
“Gozta’s mission is to bring friendship, good will, and service. We trust in him to provide all that we need. Whether he actually manifests all of these or not, at least he claims to…”
Gozta is a notoriously powerful demon, and is expected to stay. Until Gozta can be reimprisoned in his hellish cage, Vanderbilt will have to suffer the consequences of allowing him to appear.

British police have made an arrest in the February 3rd murder-suicide which claimed 4 victims in Essex. Mary Chambers, accused of murdering her husband and two of her three children before shooting herself in the mouth with a shotgun, was arrested briefly after the incident and awaits trial for the brutal crime.
Police found all four bodies lying headless on the floor of the Chambers family home, the husband and children lined up on the living room floor execution style, and Mary’s body on the couch opposite, still clutching the gun. After neighbors heard the shots and called the police, Authorized Firearms Officer Peter Beatson was first to arrive on the scene, and after a brief struggle, placed Mary’s body in handcuffs. Beatson had this to say about his confrontation:
“I walked in to the scene of a massacre, and there she was–still holding the gun in her hand, with a cold, dead look in her eyes and soaked in blood. She wouldn’t drop it, so I was forced to fire multiple shots into her torso. She didn’t drop it, so I emptied the clip. She still wouldn’t drop the gun, so at that point I ran in, spent a minute prying the gun out of her hands, then placed the suspect under arrest.”
Events after her arrest got even stranger. Mary refused to comply with the officers on scene, and had to be carried like dead weight out to the police vehicle, earning her charges of resisting arrest. During her preliminary court appearance, Mary spoke no words, looking straight ahead as if in a different world. When asked how she pleads, Mary gave no response, and was then declared to be in contempt of court.
Friends and family of Mary spoke out to police against her arrest. “No way she killed her family,” says Mary’s brother, Garret Lamb. “Mary would never do that. Please let her go so she can try to rebuild her life after the heartless murder of her family.”
The Slant attempted to speak with Mary, but her lawyer has advised her to make no comments about the case to anybody. At least, we think so. She hasn’t said a word in a week, apparently.

Tanner Preston Richardson, an incredibly white junior in the School of Engineering, recently held a press conference for the white student base reporting on his findings at the black table at Rand. Richardson’s trip into black territory was part of his internship with WhiteVU, a research program at Vanderbilt that funds studies on minorities. His assignment was to sit at the “black” table at Rand and gather data on their mannerisms. Richardson was eager to do the study and report back to his race, saying “College is all about trying new things, and black people are new for me.”

Despite his eagerness, Richardson also admitted he was apprehensive at first. “I didn’t know whether or not I should lead with one of their signature handshakes. I opted for the non-chalant head-nod instead,” he said. The blacks evidently responded warmly and offered him a chair. “I then asked to speak with their leader. They looked confused and directed me to the head of the table,” Richardson continued. At the head of the table sat a woman, later identified by WhiteVU researchers as Brittany Watts, head of the Black Student Alliance. Watts was very accepting of Richardson, asking what he got on his Randwich and noting that he “should’ve gotten a pickle spear.” “I was humbled by her wisdom,” said Richardson, and immediately thereafter returned to his seat.

Richardson also reported that the blacks were surprisingly easy to understand. “I always thought their slang was hard to decipher, but it turns out it’s because I never really listened.” This came as a relief to WhiteVU who did not have enough in their budget to send Richardson with a translator. After hurdling this over-estimated linguistic barrier, Richardson joined in several conversations, the findings from which were the highlights of the press conference. “Turns out, they aren’t all AADS majors. They evidently have frats and sororities too. And perhaps most shocking, was that pretty much all of them seemed to have feelings and emotions comparable to ours.”

Richardson’s findings are being refuted by many prominent white leaders on campus, including the entire Board of Trust and several head chefs in Vanderbilt Dining. “The study was poorly conducted. As the blacks were not entirely in their own environment, it is not a truly naturalistic observation. There’s no way our stereotypes are wrong,” commented Bill Claypool, executive chef and assistant director of Dining. Despite doubt over the validity and accuracy of Richardson’s claims, the study is the first of its kind and has inspired similar studies at other major universities. The results have also prompted WhiteVU to fund a new study to explore if the Malaysian students might be people, too.

Aha! Vanderbilt! You have begun your descent into the reign of darkness! It is I: Doctor Convolution, the great mad scientist of the Great White North. For many years, I have desired to destroy Vanderbilt’s student organizations from the inside, and now I finally have my chance! Those fools who had the audacity to reject me from the Breakdancing Club will finally rue the day they crossed Doctor Convolution.
The plan is simple: First, I change my identity entirely to conform to a social group. For example, I can either pose as a Muslim, a Christian, a Jew, a Douchebag, an Unfunny Asshole, an Engineer, an Obscure Music Lover, or a Thespian. However, the joke will be entirely on them as I do not praise Allah, I do not worship Christ, I do not recite the Torah, I do not go to the gym after 5:00, I am actually quite funny, I do not know Math, I listen to mainstream radio all the time, and I am very very very straight.
Once I have infiltrated the ranks of the unknowing, my plan will engage into the difficult phase: inception. Using the power of subliminal messaging, I will convince everyone in the organization to vote for me as their president or treasurer. Thenceforth, I shall either dissolve the group permanently or embezzle all of its money and deposit it on the island banks of Micronesia. Then, after many months of careful strategy, my most simple plan of all time shall be completed.
And it’s all because of you, Vanderbilt! You gave me the tools and the legal backing to infiltrate the upper echelons of your most influential and important assemblies of unemployed 18-22 year olds. My reign will be supreme! I, Doctor Convolution, will have succeeded in bringing society to its knees once and for all! Just try to discriminate on me now, VU B-Boys! The “world’s worst pop drop n’ locker” will finally have his revenge!!!!

Owners of the former Vanderbilt bookstore confirm rumors that the open space will soon be transformed into a porn studio. Built with floor to ceiling windows optimal for viewing from various angles, the studio will house both stage rooms and small residences for full-time actors.

Construction manager John Isaac leaks information about a possible interactive element. In his latest press conference Isaac says “we can’t say too much yet, but there’s talk of possible stations within the studio where you get to meet the production crew and the actors. There are even occasional guest star roles open to both students and faculty.”

Student body president Adam Meyer comments, “I find the space is being put to great use, especially in such a traffic-heavy area of campus. It’s a great educational spot.”

However, inspectors express concern of the potential health violations due to the close proximity of the studio to Rand dining hall. Head inspector says “other than creating even more of a fire code violation by the increased foot traffic, we don’t see much of a problem. But there is the issue of food – with the bodily processes going on in the studio so close to the kitchens, who knows what will end up where.”

Also rumored is an adult superstore for a more convenient access to your favorite DVDs, birth control and lingerie. And it takes the Vandy card, much to the delight of parents. Hopes are that the sex store and interactive porn studio will encourage safer – and more thrilling – sex.

Nashville’s Department of Public Health has reported an increase in chlamydia by 10% on Vanderbilt’s campus alone this year. An anonymous student with the disease expresses hope for a sex education component. He comments “I hope it teaches students the importance of practicing safer sex. Because God knows I could have used that.”

Couples workshops will be offered in the evenings taught by the actors themselves on the newest positions and safe sex practices. Actor Crystal Jennings is particularly enthusiastic about helping to improve students’ sex lives and diversifying the hook-up culture on campus: “I’m so looking forward to teaching students about awesome sex moves that aren’t that well known. By the end of the session, ladies, you will be doing wheelbarrow and angry dragon like a professional.”

Actors have mentioned the possibility of student competitions vying for a guest role in a film. Auditions include aerobics, endurance tests and pole dancing for both men and women. The top three contestants will star in a three-some and receive their own contracts with the famed Adam and Eve production company.

Gay and transsexual porn will reportedly be filmed in the studio as well, much to the approval of LGBTQI Life. Director Nora Spencer tells reporters “[LGBTQI] believes it to be a great innovation that breaks the heterosexual mold and encourages freedom of expression to anyone who passes by.”

However, Vanderbilt Catholics have expressed concern about the exposure of homosexual sex to the student body, as well as the practice of contraception. The president remarks “For virgins like ourselves, I find it extremely offensive to have sex so blatantly in our faces all the time. It makes the temptation even worse.”

Beta has already requested rights to the films and is in the process of installing a home entertainment system in their basement for ideal viewing. They anxiously await this new component to their house. One brother is quoted saying “now we don’t have to sneak around anymore. It is now acceptable to indulge in the company other others who are as interested as I am.”

Chancellor Zeppos has addressed the anticipated rioting by anti-porn activists and religious groups on campus: “We expect there to be petitions against the campus’ newest innovation, but the decision is final. Not only will it educate our students, but it will also open up additional work study jobs for interested student actors, production assistances, lighting and stage designers and cinematographers.” Construction will begin in the summer of 2012.

I’d like to warrant the sincerest of apologies to my fellow men about the creation of women. When I originally rolled out women with Eve off the presses and sent her down to Earth it was really to give my greatest creation, Adam, someone to make him a sandwich and on occasion praise him for all his amazing masculine traits. But like all prototypes there were some issues. Eve started talking, which was all right whenever she was just talking to Adam about important things like football or what he wanted for dinner. But then, as you all know, she talked to the snake and everything went south from there. To fix this I sent down Helen Keller as the update. I predicted she would be every man’s dream woman. She couldn’t speak (‘Nuff said), she couldn’t see (so you wouldn’t have to worry about your looks), and she couldn’t hear (so you could easily sneak up on her). But of course she became the butt of every joke and market research showed that most men found doing her to be just wrong.
All right then, so I took what went wrong with the first two prototypes and created Pamela Anderson. She was to be the greatest of my creations (below Adam of course). She would able to speak and hear just like Eve, but her body would be so distracting that whatever she talked about would be hogwash for any man that approached her. She would also exist solely to make men everywhere feel pleasure and adequate. But, once again, this prototype had some issues upon rollout. Her popularity became too much for most men to handle and the spread of STD’s started to make people worry (my bad). So I had to scrap that idea too.
So there you have it, the Earth is now being roamed by Eve’s who will not stop talking about anything that creeps up in their minds. We have the Helen Keller’s, although not all mute, messing with the natural order of things and starting ridiculous movements. Last I heard they were calling it the feminist movement and they were going to try to bring women rights, encourage people to actually attend women sporting events, and try to change things around. To this I created a little joke my fellow men will enjoy: how many of these feminists will it take to change a light bulb? Answer: None, feminist can’t change anything! Then we have our Pamela Anderson’s who although I understand are fun to play with; they have significantly shrunk the male population with their spreading of these STD’s (again my bad, glitches happen!). I therefore am now recalling all women and will go back to the drawing board. I notice that Mila Kunis has become increasing popular among the gentlemen of the earth. I’ll see what I can do about producing some more of her around.

Well done my good and faithful servant. I remember when I first made a covenant with Rick Perry- I would raise Rick to the position of Texas governor, father of my chosen people, the Texans, and they would be known by their over-zealous evangelism.
I called Rick to run for President of the United States, telling him that he would lead My favorite chosen nation from the bonds of slavery of Obama’s socialism. Rick said, “But LORD, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.” And sure enough, first debate, he goes and embarrasses himself like that. “And the uh……uh….” I was disappointed, but I’ve learned not to expect too much from the human race.
Rick’s campaign was a disaster from the start. I was waffling over whether or not to call Rick to run for president, but he really put me in an awkward position when he held that prayer rally in Houston. He clearly wanted Me to call him to the presidential race; he was already acting like a prophet. So I sent Gabriel to him in a dream one night, to tell him to run for president.
Rick was a sloppy speaker, but I couldn’t have someone speak for him like I did with Moses, the media would be all over that shit.
I never meant for Rick to win the Republican primary, much less become president. No, that would be disastrous. FYI, I never want any Republican to win the presidency, these days. They’re so uber-conservative. Jesus tells people to care for the poor, and what do they do? Cut funding for social programs, cut taxes on the super-rich. Why do you think I told Zaccheus to give all the money he swindled back to the people he had cheated?
I also called Rick to drop out of the presidential race. Like I said, it was never about putting him in the White House. No, it was a test of faith. I wanted to see Rick’s willingness to serve Me. Sure, his campaign was a letdown, but it was always going to be. The point is that Rick acted on his faith in Me, that he showed America that he was willing to obey Me and go wherever I send him.
In that sense, the campaign was a huge success, just because it happened. It was a test of Rick’s faith, and he passed.
Oh, and best of all, in my infinite wisdom, through Rick’s act of faith, the life of Mr. Beaujangles, an adorable kitty at the pound, will not be put down. I told you, I work all things for the best.