Vanderbilt University's Humor Publication
They exist.
Really, they only wear their
jackets in the evening.
Band is ashamed of Kentucky heritage. (Who wouldn’t be?)
Big supporters of Snuggies
The Members are all
dyslexic and think band’s name
is “My Jorning Macket.”
Sponsored by Burlington
Coat Factory.
Name is an acronym for
“Try Jacking More.”
They are not O.A.R.
Like everything, MMJ
is better when rolling.
To be honest, they haven’t
heard of Vanderbilt
either.
10) PODs with homeless dudes in them – they’re chill!
9) Your sister’s walk-in closet – she won’t mind!
Offshore Swiss bank account
7) Pokecenter PC – plenty of empty space there
6) That one room with the corner where, you know, no one’s gonna find it there…
5) Pawn Shoppe – it won’t cost you any more money to pick it up, I swear!
4) Level 6 Bag of Holding
3) Your roommate already stole all of it
2) Well, you can’t go home, because your parents disowned you
1) Shove it up your ugly ass; that’s right, shove it up your ugly ass!
10) The Seasonal Fruit Baskets
9) Here’s Waldo
Swiss Criss and The Crackers
7) Vajazzle
6) Special Ed and The Short Bus
5) Three Dudes and a Piccolo
4) The Cabbage Patch Kids
3) Satin Worshippers
2) Rainbows and Rhinestones
1) Kanye Best
10) Sea World – Free Willy, right?
9) Gulf Coast – Isn’t it back to normal now?
The Woods – For those who like it rough
7) Kissam – You’re not going anywhere!!!
6) Niagara Falls – It’s really nice this time of year.
5) Haiti – The hotel rates are really good.
4) Not Mexico
3) Harry Potter World – They have a new recreation of the tent from the 7th book.
2) Jersey Shore – See all of your favorite back alleys and bathrooms from the show!
1) Narnia – Bring your Mr. Pibb and Cherry Vines.
10) Music Practice Rooms
9) Your Roommate’s Closet (with or without a door)
Laundry Room
7) Single-use, lockable third-floor bathroom in Rand
6) Central Library stacks
5) Divinity School Garden
4) Towers Suite Pantries
3) Room 303
2) The Roof of MRB 3
1) McDonald’s or Red Lobster
10) Wi-Fi in the showers – Our porn fix need not be interrupted.
9) Chik-fil-A – We’ve been hearing this one for years. Just stop it already; it hurts too much.
DVD Club – It’s like piracy without any of the effort!
7) Card swipes at frat parties – You only think he’s giving you a free drink.
6) More F lot parking – Just demolish that empty frat house already.
5) More masturbation stations – They’re a necessity because all men think about sex every 52 seconds.
4) More earmarks for VSG – Soon it will be a federal work study job.
3) Chick-fil-A again – No, seriously, when is this shit gonna happen?
2) Food Trucks – Dude, I got a serious case of the mobile munchies. It’s like being a hunter-gatherer again.
1) LCD screens in the Vandy Vans showing vandyvans.com – So you know how long it will take to get your drunk ass back to your room so you can vomit privately.
10) T-Shirt that says “Fear Vandy”
9) Men’s sweatpants that say “Juicy” on the ass
Dog collar that hasn’t been approved by U.S. S&M Society
7) 56” long flagpole (flag not included)
6) Football-themed lawn gnomes
5) Prescription golf balls
4) Auto parts that are in no way branded with our school’s logo
3) Dude Where’s My Car on DVD
2) Game-worn jock straps
1) Books
“You’re confusing knitting with traveling again. You can’t just show up to the airport with needles and knee socks.”
“I go to school in a morgue.”
“Can you have sex with a pending vagina?”
“Are you on a shit-ton of Valtrex? No? Well you should be.”
“I am pro-abortion, anti-choice. We should randomly choose women to have abortions. Sorry, but that’s just how the lottery works.”
“I know how to get people to come to women’s basketball games. Tell the crowd it’s a men’s basketball game…then lock the doors.”
“If I learned Japanese from anime, I’d just know, like, 50 different ways to say ‘I’m gonna be the pirate king.’”
“I know how to get people to come to women’s basketball games. Teach them how to dunk!”
“Plus, nobody wants to be aborted by a monkey over losing a Jenga game.”
“I know how to get people to show up to women’s basketball games… shirts and skins.”
Top Ten Places To Get Free Food on Campus
*Minority organization parties
*Alumni Reunion Tents
*The bulk candy bins in the munchie mart when the staff isn’t looking
*Parent visits
*Tupperware brought to Rand brunch
*All the meal plan meals your anorexic girlfriend skips
*Squirrel traps
*1-Up Mushrooms in your mario game
*Unlocked dorm rooms
*Go to a vending machine. Swipe your card. Unplug the ethernet cable from the wall, and make your selection within like half a second cause it realizes you unplugged the cable and will say “no cards” if you’re not fast enough. You get your snack. Then, it will remember that a purchase has been made, so you have to unplug the machine’s power cord so it loses that memory, then plug both cables back in.
—–
*Snack machine + hammer
*Trick-or-Treating
*The dumpster behind Commons
*Freshman meal plan
Things VSC Sold That It Didn’t Have Rights To:
-Tree in front of McGill
-Sorostitutes’ morals
-McTyeire
-Vandy’s football success
-That’s where the money you lose on rollovers goes to
-The soap in FGH
-8th floor of the library
-Old smoothie place
-Half of every Pub wrap
-All of Rand’s cleaning equipment
-The engineering science major
-Obama’s vacant senate seat
-Glee’s funniness
-Versus
-Tom the Quizno’s guy
-The penis on the Ascension statue outside Stevenson
-The old Vandy Vans
-Honey Mustard dispenser from the Pub
-The Great Escape on Broadway
-Frannie Boyle’s intelligence
A Furby. They were so cute!
Sort of…
Any instrument. They wanted to nip that rock-star bullshit in the bud.
An Easy-Bake Oven, because who doesn’t love baking by lightbulb?
Red Kool-Aid.
It stains EVERYTHING!
Any Play Dough set, because your mom knew you were gonna get that shit stuck in the carpet.
Friends.
A cell phone. You have no friends, so who you gonna call?
Sock’em Boppers. But mom, they really are way more fun than a pillow fight!
A rocket set. Dad, cousin Timmy is an idiot. I’d never play with that in the house… just the garage.
A puppy, because according to dad, a puppy and a goldfish are the same damn thing.
