Detroit Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga had a perfect game with one out left when umpire Jim Joyce called the last batter safe (when he was clearly out). Clearly not trying to capitalize on Google search hits (Ken Griffey Jr. retires after 22 seasons, Flyers beat Blackhawks in game 3 of the Stanley Cup Finals, Joe Sestak offered White House job by Bill Clinton), The Slant and I are going to break down the importance of this event to the world.

First of all, the legal proceedings filed on behalf of the city of Detroit are going to entirely clog the American judicial system. It will take years and trillions of dollars for the Supreme Court to come to the decision that robot umpires will be necessary to overrule human error. It will take even more time and effort for these robot umpires to be developed, tested and implemented into the MLB. However this is nowhere near the biggest problem.

It is common knowledge that Israelis are staunch Tigers fans. Unfortunately, Palestinians and Turks tend to favor anything that makes Detroit suffer because of a grudge involving a burned chicken sandwich. Soon war will break out in the Middle East as a result of this umpire’s bad call.

War in the Middle East will draw the attention to a weak foreign policy stance by the American Government. Baseball fans will lead the political campaigns, and Derek Jeter will be elected President of the United States. Secretary of Defense Shaquille O’Neal will begin launching covert strikes on America’s enemies, but the now ESPN-controlled state media will not be reporting it.

On a whim, Iranian leaders will launch a nuclear device at Detroit on the basis that umpires have the final say, and Iran is all for that kind of power. With Detroit destroyed, President Jeter will at first congratulate Iran for helping clean up, but then realize that America has a bit of a problem, change his mind and begin bombing the country with a slew of F-22s “because they were in Transformers.” Unfortunately, a rogue general will take this order to eradicate all of Afghanistan and Pakistan as well “because that’s how it works in Modern Warfare [2].”

With its enemies destroyed, Americans will then turn on themselves for a reason they can’t really remember. After brutally murdering every one another, the Europeans will re-colonize America with an establishment at Plymouth Rock. Within the century, the colonists will revolt because of unfair text message taxation.

This future just goes to show you that Baseball is really a lot more important than everyone thinks.

Is this the face of the apocalypse?

Every year there are a few glimpses of genius. 2008’s would be the excessively violent and over-exaggerated Japanese flick The Machine Girl. From one look at the poster, you know this is clearly a big ripoff of Planet Terror, and I’m not saying that it isn’t, but it’s more. It doesn’t have zombies, but it goes above and beyond the call of duty. The B-movie mantra is pushed to every facet of the film from the opening scene to the final credits.

The “plot” is as follows: a group of high school bullies who follow a Yakuza leader’s son murder a girl’s brother, so she swears revenge to kill them. If you can deduce from the title and the poster, something happens along the way to spice it up a bit.

The acting is bad (most of the female roles are models/porn stars including the moms),the costumes are bad, the soundtrack is bad, the set design is bad, the dialogue is bad (the writer/director made pornos also), the action is bad… the only thing that is not terrible appears to be the budget, but this and the rest makes all of it INCREDIBLE! But it’s not bad like The Room bad, it’s intentionally bad. Everything is so over the top, that even the most disgusting violent brutal deaths are hilarious because of the obvious cheaply made props or prosthetic dummies. The melodrama is so thick at times that it spews out like the gushing fake blood hoses from seemingly every character’s body. If you thought Kill Bill set the bar for fake blood, this movie does an Olympic high jump over that bar and then impales someone with it.

I haven’t laughed this hard for the duration of an entire movie in a long time. All in all, I give it five donuts out of five!

I’m thinking of making it mandatory Slant watching material, and if you disagree with me, then you are a no-good hypochondriac recluse who constantly pees on the hall’s toilet seat! Did I mention that the spiritual sequel to this is called RoboGeisha?

Yeah, this movie is awesome.

Serious business.

Greetings, boys and girls. Today marks the beginning of something that probably is about to start.

As you dedicated visitors can see (I know you look at this website daily), we here at The Slant have been tinkering with our website a little. I myself think I have finally gotten the hang of it.

This is the blog category. It’s something that has lingered here for quite a while, but something I’d like to get started for serious. Let’s face it, summer is going to be long. You most faithful readers and fans need to get your kick of comedy! The top 10 is a cornerstone of The Slant and comedy in general really, but it’s kind of taking up some very valuable real estate on our front page. What I hope for this new… er, old yet untapped comedic resource is that our amazing humor task force can polish their craft while entertaining you, the masses.

It’s a strange feeling that this year is almost over, and that there are at least four months until the next issue of The Slant. Vanderbilt, I’m sure you feel that way too. Let us not go quietly into the sunset! REJOICE FOR WE HAVE TECHNOLOGY!

We’ve still figuring out this whole “blogging” thing, but let’s just say we’ve got some enthusiastic “internet nerds,” errr “bloggers” pretty excited. So we should have new content up here regularly. Consider yourself warned.

On a side note, can I boost about how happy this site makes me? As Technical Director of the Slant, I did… absolutely nothing. Nada. I tried doing a bunch of stuff last year as el Presidente of el Slant, but nothing came of that either. So imagine my surprise when Meryem Dede called me up and was all like “Wham! Look at this whole website thing I whipped up! Done!” Slightly more honestly, Meryem and the dude who actually coded the damn thing—programming extraordinaire Jim Hayes—busted their butts for this website. In contrast to the years that our website has floundered in aesthetic purgatory—“I guess this isn’t so bad?”—they got this site to you in less than 2 months. Plus, it looks DAMN good. Props.