Llamapalooza

To the cheers of the student body, The Slant’s second annual Llamapalooza commences on Monday. For only $5, students are able to buy personal ads in the February 9 issue of the beloved humor and satire newspaper. Slant members will be on the wall and at The Commons from 12-1 PM Monday-Friday collecting ads and students will also be able to submit ads by contacting Slant staff at eic.theslant@gmail.com. Anyone is able to publish absolutely anything and feel good about it, as each ad acts as a donation to Heifer International, a non profit that provides third-world families with a source of income through livestock (like llamas).

To see what it looked like last year, click here and then click on the one with the Dalai Llama on the cover (yeah, we went there)

The Slant will accept checks (made out to Heifer International), cash, or credit card/paypal account donations which you can make right here (just forward us your receipt):

If your donation is made via paypal, please forward the paypal receipt to eic.theslant@gmail.com .

How to blog from iPad

Dear world I sit here today typing poorly and
Unable to find my tv remote. The food network is on st 3 am and it is now infomercials please please someone stop this awful awful torture. There are no keys in this thing how am i typing st sly thus is ridiculed . Oh i found it criss severed i almost stepped on my iPad youth that would have bucked. Oh sweet man tracker is on sciene channel oh wait something about sex on g4 yes here we go.

The food channek is awesome but i eish i coukd eat the food on the tv in the real life. Kinds sucks doesn’t it??? South park creme fraiche was really funny though.

So it’d thanksgiving teak noe and i really Should sleep but wow I’m on a real Sofa in a real house that doesn’t smell like a cross between popcorn beer vomit jets pizza and bacon. School has unlimited hot water though so i ended no shave November s few days early. Sad sad sad.

Do i buy call of duty back ops im afraid if i do ill die like srtioudly my life will end i csnnot believer it had to corm to this. Death awaits me in the form of s call of duty.

Late night commercials are the worst idont eant to see the only erectile treatment covered by medicare how bout you cover up eith my fisticare in your faceinsurance.

I heard a table of Japanese people st dinner. Couldn’t understand what all they were saying. Too loud in place. Wow im a failure at my favorite language of course English is still #1 in the hood g.

I have a gift csrd to davis kid but it is going out of business i cant believe this i will buy scott pilgrim booked.

Wwell this is the end of the line for my iPad typing this has taken me like 15 min. Yeah buddy.

Thanks fore reading the least clever thing vie written ever. This has ben an experiment in socials media I a cannot believe socsisl autocorrected to socks.

The Slant goes to Russia!

Slant editor emeritus Meryem Dede has recently begun her new, more adventurous job as The Slant’s Foreign Correspondent in the city of St. Petersburg, Russia. Be sure to read her latest exploits from her webzone:

http://meryemabroad.wordpress.com/

Armando Galarraga’s Near-Perfect Game Destroys America

Few times every generation there comes a defining moment where the world begins to tear apart at its hinges. Fort Sumter. Franz Ferdinand. Pearl Harbor. Julius Caesar. Yavin IV. Mark down June 2, 2010 as two words: he’s safe.

Detroit Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga had a perfect game with one out left when umpire Jim Joyce called the last batter safe (when he was clearly out). Clearly not trying to capitalize on Google search hits (Ken Griffey Jr. retires after 22 seasons, Flyers beat Blackhawks in game 3 of the Stanley Cup Finals, Joe Sestak offered White House job by Bill Clinton), The Slant and I are going to break down the importance of this event to the world.

First of all, the legal proceedings filed on behalf of the city of Detroit are going to entirely clog the American judicial system. It will take years and trillions of dollars for the Supreme Court to come to the decision that robot umpires will be necessary to overrule human error. It will take even more time and effort for these robot umpires to be developed, tested and implemented into the MLB. However this is nowhere near the biggest problem.

It is common knowledge that Israelis are staunch Tigers fans. Unfortunately, Palestinians and Turks tend to favor anything that makes Detroit suffer because of a grudge involving a burned chicken sandwich. Soon war will break out in the Middle East as a result of this umpire’s bad call.

War in the Middle East will draw the attention to a weak foreign policy stance by the American Government. Baseball fans will lead the political campaigns, and Derek Jeter will be elected President of the United States. Secretary of Defense Shaquille O’Neal will begin launching covert strikes on America’s enemies, but the now ESPN-controlled state media will not be reporting it.

On a whim, Iranian leaders will launch a nuclear device at Detroit on the basis that umpires have the final say, and Iran is all for that kind of power. With Detroit destroyed, President Jeter will at first congratulate Iran for helping clean up, but then realize that America has a bit of a problem, change his mind and begin bombing the country with a slew of F-22s “because they were in Transformers.” Unfortunately, a rogue general will take this order to eradicate all of Afghanistan and Pakistan as well “because that’s how it works in Modern Warfare [2].”

With its enemies destroyed, Americans will then turn on themselves for a reason they can’t really remember. After brutally murdering every one another, the Europeans will re-colonize America with an establishment at Plymouth Rock. Within the century, the colonists will revolt because of unfair text message taxation.

This future just goes to show you that Baseball is really a lot more important than everyone thinks.

Is this the face of the apocalypse?

Is this the face of the apocalypse?

Slant Movie Reviews: The Machine Girl

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Every year there are a few glimpses of genius. 2008′s would be the excessively violent and over-exaggerated Japanese flick The Machine Girl. From one look at the poster, you know this is clearly a big ripoff of Planet Terror, and I’m not saying that it isn’t, but it’s more. It doesn’t have zombies, but it goes above and beyond the call of duty. The B-movie mantra is pushed to every facet of the film from the opening scene to the final credits.

The “plot” is as follows: a group of high school bullies who follow a Yakuza leader’s son murder a girl’s brother, so she swears revenge to kill them. If you can deduce from the title and the poster, something happens along the way to spice it up a bit.

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The acting is bad (most of the female roles are models/porn stars including the moms),the costumes are bad, the soundtrack is bad, the set design is bad, the dialogue is bad (the writer/director made pornos also), the action is bad… the only thing that is not terrible appears to be the budget, but this and the rest makes all of it INCREDIBLE! But it’s not bad like The Room bad, it’s intentionally bad. Everything is so over the top, that even the most disgusting violent brutal deaths are hilarious because of the obvious cheaply made props or prosthetic dummies. The melodrama is so thick at times that it spews out like the gushing fake blood hoses from seemingly every character’s body. If you thought Kill Bill set the bar for fake blood, this movie does an Olympic high jump over that bar and then impales someone with it.

I haven’t laughed this hard for the duration of an entire movie in a long time. All in all, I give it five donuts out of five!

pink_sprinkled_donut pink_sprinkled_donut pink_sprinkled_donut pink_sprinkled_donut pink_sprinkled_donut

I’m thinking of making it mandatory Slant watching material, and if you disagree with me, then you are a no-good hypochondriac recluse who constantly pees on the hall’s toilet seat! Did I mention that the spiritual sequel to this is called RoboGeisha?

Yeah, this movie is awesome.

Yeah, this movie is awesome.

Fucked Images updated… again!

It was bound to happen – theslant.net has published its collection of doctored images from 2009-2010. Bask in all the deliciousness of irony! Let your emotions be tickled by absurdity! Let your diaphragm collapse from laughter! Let your hands slowly go down in between your legs! Let your mind be freed by Harriet Tubman and Robin Hood! Let your grades be reduced to rubble by watching too much television! Let your beer tap flow with constant pressure! Let your internet connection always be stable! Let your eyes stop reading this endless dribble on this page!

The one on the left is strangely addicting. The one on the right is strangely iconic.

The one on the left is strangely addicting. The one on the right is strangely iconic.

Fucked Images page updated!

Some said it couldn’t be done, but most said it would just be a hassle. After slight deliberation, the first half of the Fucked Images page has been established!

The internet is vast and infinite. That’s good news of you looking for some cheap laughs! Through the powers of complex search algorithms, The Slant assembles only the absolute finest in visual humor. Now, the true fans out there keep every published paper issue of The Slant in a humidor to maintain freshness, but if you’re really lazy and don’t want to tear through our digital archives on your iPad, then you can check out the newest addition to this website.

Click here to see the funny with your eyes!

Although the vast majority of these bits have been printed, you’ll be able to witness some in color for the first time! Unfortunately, as goes, some color copies were lost forever… Er, well, they simply weren’t saved. Half of our paper is in black and white, people! Also, a few gems are appearing for the first time! See if you can figure out which ones those are. (Hint: it was really hard for me to do so. I couldn’t answer if you asked me…)

Stay glued to your computer device, because soon the other half of our photogenic comedy empire will be put online! Let this be a taste of what will come later: the images we’ve actually doctored. Let’s just say that the diagnosis is a dusty laughtrack.

The one on the left is strangely arousing. The one on the right is strangely tempting.

The one on the left is strangely arousing. The one on the right is strangely tempting.

Comics Page Added!

Check out all of the comics from 2009-2010! Since the beginning of time, newspapers have been prone to publish comics or “funny pages.” Of course, all of our pages are funny. Aren’t they? From squirrels and professors to aliens and superheroes, The Slant‘s Guy Kopsombut has got it covered.

In case if you didn’t see the button at the top of the homepage, click here!

Stay classy!

Stay classy!

A preview: More to come… in a more professional form.

Serious business.

Serious business.

Greetings, boys and girls. Today marks the beginning of something that probably is about to start.

As you dedicated visitors can see (I know you look at this website daily), we here at The Slant have been tinkering with our website a little. I myself think I have finally gotten the hang of it.

This is the blog category. It’s something that has lingered here for quite a while, but something I’d like to get started for serious. Let’s face it, summer is going to be long. You most faithful readers and fans need to get your kick of comedy! The top 10 is a cornerstone of The Slant and comedy in general really, but it’s kind of taking up some very valuable real estate on our front page. What I hope for this new… er, old yet untapped comedic resource is that our amazing humor task force can polish their craft while entertaining you, the masses.

It’s a strange feeling that this year is almost over, and that there are at least four months until the next issue of The Slant. Vanderbilt, I’m sure you feel that way too. Let us not go quietly into the sunset! REJOICE FOR WE HAVE TECHNOLOGY!

First!

Welcome to The Slant Blog! On this cutting-edge Humor 2.0 platform, we plan to bring you the latest technology in penis jokes, “that’s what she said” quips and, I don’t know, maybe some pointed social commentary. More importantly, this gives us an awesome venue for posting hilarious stuff OTHER people do. Often times, in our extensive research—aka Facebook and Stumble-Upon—we come across the funniest things, but our “stringent standards” prevent us from stealing these outright. Here, however, we can just share, which is sorta like Stealing 2.0, except more hypertexty. Oh, and the authors happily get pageviews and advertising money and mad street cred and stuff like that.

We’ve still figuring out this whole “blogging” thing, but let’s just say we’ve got some enthusiastic “internet nerds,” errr “bloggers” pretty excited. So we should have new content up here regularly. Consider yourself warned.

On a side note, can I boost about how happy this site makes me? As Technical Director of the Slant, I did… absolutely nothing. Nada. I tried doing a bunch of stuff last year as el Presidente of el Slant, but nothing came of that either. So imagine my surprise when Meryem Dede called me up and was all like “Wham! Look at this whole website thing I whipped up! Done!” Slightly more honestly, Meryem and the dude who actually coded the damn thing—programming extraordinaire Jim Hayes—busted their butts for this website. In contrast to the years that our website has floundered in aesthetic purgatory—“I guess this isn’t so bad?”—they got this site to you in less than 2 months. Plus, it looks DAMN good. Props.