The Slant» Join The Slant

Join The Slant, Robert

Michael Woods — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 05:01:33 +0000

It’s been a while since you’ve read this section. Let’s face it, you’ve been pretty distant lately, and although I can admit part of the blame lies with me, too, we’re not here to point fingers. I’m simply trying to get you to open up to me again, maybe write an article or two, nothing crazy, baby, just be natural. Don’t pretend like those funky, animalistic moments in the production room didn’t mean anything.
It’s not that I’m lonely, doll, I’m just missing you. That sexy Colts jersey, those dicks on McGill’s chalkboard, they haven’t left my mind, and I know I haven’t left yours. You might just be busy, or you’re trying to work on some personal issues right now, but we can work on those together, and maybe we can work on some Slant issues at the same time. This is a partnership — a two-way street, baby. Come on, Robert. Mr. Hiland. Mr. Dollface. Let’s give this another shot, grab some Steak ‘n Shake, and talk it over.
I didn’t want to have to pull this card, but I’m nothing without you, you know that? I’m a mess; I can’t sleep. I need you, Robert. Rejoin Big Daddy Slant, and he’ll take care of you. Stop by Sarrat 130 Thursdays at 8, or email daniel.j.king@vanderbilt.edu, but you haven’t forgotten that, have you, baby?

Join The Slant (12-1-11)

Justin Barisich — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 12:38:54 +0000

Dearest Soon-to-be-Famous Future Slant Writer,
When I came to Vanderbilt 4.5 years ago, I was a nobody. I shuffled my feet on the criss-crossing sidewalks, longed for my long-distance girlfriend, read everything for all of my courses, actually attended all my class sessions, and even ate at Rand for most of my meals. (It was pitiful; I don’t need to be reminded, and you don’t have to be an asshole and make me bring up those shitty memories again for your benefit.) But, that all changed when I began writing for The Slant in my sophomore year.
Now, after years of guffawing at my clever wit, folks come up to me on the daily, stop me mid-step, and ask, “Hey man, aren’t you that kid who wrote that thing in that silly paper that one time?,” and, though I want to express my elation and discuss the merits of satire and the joys of being a humorist into the wee hours of the cracking dawn with them, I know better than to respond so incautiously. (I had a disastrous run in with a stalker and the spying paparazzi a few months back, and I just can’t afford another public debacle like that; it could quickly ruin the common man’s gilded image of me that I worked so hard to create from nothing.) So, instead of acknowledging them, I put on my rose-colored, prescription sunglasses and walk right past them, completely ignoring them while taking advantage of the rightfully-earned sense of pompousness that fame has fully afforded me.
Disregarding overly voyeuristic fan boys and girls who have to be “taken care of,” The Slant is a great way to get your opinions out of your deranged mind and into the open-minded and freely-accepting world. Also, if you don’t have any friends and don’t want to pay for any either, we offer a nice hodge-podge of other excluded folk who may find the way you smell tolerable.
You know what to do if you want to be somebody too.
Join The Slant. It’s the only paper that prints what’s true.

You Won’t Join The Slant- NO BALLS!

Richard T McGee — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 18:05:35 +0000

Yeah, you, you bastard. What you lookin’ here for? You think you can join The Slant? Ha, fat chance, punk. You couldn’t ever hope to be a part of something other than yo’ momma’s book club, except it’s not a club for books, it’s a club for sniffin’ poo vapors.
Man, it’s so great knowing that you, the reader, is not a part of this humor-peddling society. Let’s all have a toast to how pathetic you are!
Oh he’s a jolly good fellow, he’s a jolly good fellow, he’s a jolly good fellow who everyone can deny!
You won’t come anywhere near Sarratt 130 on Thursday at 8:00 for our super elite meetings, and you won’t email daniel.j.king@vanderbilt.edu to tell him you want to write for us.
You know why you’re not going to do this stuff? Because you got NO BALLS! That’s right; you lack in the pants. You’re like a hockey game, ‘cuz no one’s playin with any balls.
Just give up now and put your dreams in the trash can with your half-eaten Quiznos.
No balls no balls!

The Slant is Hiring Writers, Comedians, and anyone who is Literate!

Jessica D Angelo — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 20:21:22 +0000

Hey there, Slant reader! First off, I hope you have chuckled at least once at this issue’s content. We find great joy in spreading laughter and humor to the Vanderbilt campus. Want to return that joy? Then come be our friend and write for us!
I know your type. You’ve read almost every Slant issue since you have been at Vanderbilt. You “waste” time every night reading through sites like the Onion and cracked.com. You’ve always wanted to give this kind of writing a shot but never took the initiative to find an outlet. Well here we are to help you get over the procrastination hump and personally invite you to come write for us. No sign up fees, no long term contracts, no hassles.
You don’t look convinced. I was hoping the headline alone would entice you to join but unfortunately that doesn’t seem to be the case since you’re still reading/looking for persuasion. Well ask and you shall receive! Pros and cons (none) comin’ atchya.
Bogged down with schoolwork? Irrelevant! The time commitment is so minimal if you can find time to eat three meals a day you have time to write an article per issue. Did I freak you out there? Don’t be scared because there is no minimum requirement of writing. Come write what you can and when you can.
Work better in groups? Perfect, so do we. Our meetings include brainstorming sessions and comedy tutorials so you’re never alone in your Slant endeavors.
Are you a Liberal Arts Major? Great! Sounds like you like to write. Come do what you love to do in a stress free, fun, professorless environment.
Are you a Science Major? Fantastic. You probably need to break up the humdrum of equations and vectors. It’s really important to use the other side of your brain every now and again.
Shy? Bring a friend. Bring your childhood comfort blanket. Do whatever it is you need to do to work up the courage to come to a meeting. You seem like a pretty cool person. You’ll fit in so well.
Have funny but borderline politically correct article ideas and scared they could jeopardize your chances of getting elected governor of Massachusetts someday? You can write under a pseudonym so don’t let your political aspirations hold you back.
Real talk. You only have the opportunity to write for a college newspaper once in your life (unless you’re that creepy guy who lingers years after graduation…). Think about it. How cool will your grandchildren think you are when you dust off a box of old Slant issues with your articles printed in them? If you won’t do it for yourself and you won’t do it for us, do it so someday you can be the coolest Gamgam or Popop on the block.

Our next meeting is Thursday, (date) at 7:00 in Sarratt Room #??. We look forward to seeing you there!
Questions? Email Daniel.j.king@vanderbilt.edu

Don’t forget to come out to the very first Slant meeting of the year!

Dan King — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 07:19:53 +0000

Hey there everyone, don’t forget that the first Slant meeting of the year will be held this Sunday at 8:30 PM in Sarratt 130. Be there and make sure you bring your funny!

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=103391299766226

Andrew Mungan says, “Join The Slant!”

Andrew Mungan — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 20:16:48 +0000

Do you love writing? Well, I sure don’t. But that didn’t stop me from joining The Slant! What’s your excuse?
The Slant isn’t just any old newspaper – it’s a forum for recreational banter. If you don’t understand what that is, then you’re probably not reading this paper properly in the first place. However, if you like humor and you like fun, then you are rightly reading this wonderful publication, so why not join? What’s more fun than creating a story incorporating the things you love – like animals, or sex, or maybe even sex with animals – with that biggest pet-peeve of yours – like your roommate, your nagging girlfriend, or your roommate’s nagging girlfriend? Your rantings manifest themselves in some form or fashion whether you admit it or not. You know you have to release it somehow (which just so happens to be what she said). Why not make it public? Let’s make it official – Facebook-official even.
Ok, so you still may not want to write for The Slant. WHY NOT? I dunno if you know this or not, but The Slant comes out once every three weeks. Yes, once every three weeks. That’s hardly once a month – 5 or 6 times a semester if you’re lucky. Do you know how often normal newspapers are issued? Too many times, that’s how many. Clearly, The Slant isn’t your normal newspaper. We value your ability to B.S., unlike your co-workers, teachers, and friends who don’t. We’ll be more than friends with you, if you know what I mean (if you’re into that kind of thing). I know I always love breaking out of the “friend zone,” and we will be delighted to break your end zone…er, friend zone.
So, if you’re having trouble expressing yourself, having trouble meeting people, or having trouble getting laid, you may want to check out The Slant. Our door is always open, and by always, I mean at 8:00 PM on Mondays in Sarratt 130. Hopefully, we will see you there! We’ll leave the light on for ya.

Ben Coleman says, “Join The Slant!”

Ben Coleman — Thu, 18 Nov 2010 01:17:42 +0000

Fellow Vanderbilt students, I pose the following simple questions to you: “Are you satisfied with life at Vandy? Are you satisfied by delicious Rand brunch, by sorority girls in cowboy boots and aviators?” Well, you should be, because both of these things are very fun to look at, albeit for very different reasons.
But do you ever feel sarcasm welling up inside you with no way to come out? Does the vicious, biting humor have no escape but to rampage unchecked through your Facebook meaningless status updates? If so, you might want to consider joining The Slant.
‘Why would I ever want to join a bunch of sun-deprived psychopaths with severe superiority complexes,’ you ask? Firstly, I get plenty of sunlight walking from Stevenson to Olin, thank you very much. Secondly, Slant meetings are really pretty fun. We sit, make with the funny, and then decide who wants to write down said funny. And, by the time three weeks have past, lo and behold, your name is on the best piece of journalism to have ever graced Vanderbilt University.
Even if you don’t think you’re particularly funny, there’s a place for you at The Slant! We’re all insanely hilarious people, so by the laws of diffusion, the funny will flow into you if you come to enough meetings. If you don’t like writing (I’m looking at you, computer science majors), we’re always looking for skilled artists to cleverly Photoshop slightly offense pictures into massively offensive pieces of beauty. Blair majors, we don’t really have a use for you, but you should probably get used to hearing that now anyways.
So stop by Sarratt 130 on Mondays at 8 PM if you want in on the awesome, and be sure to pick us up some fro-yo on the way over. That Fucking Coffee Shop is right down the hall.

Caitlin Meyer says: Join The Slant!

Caitlin Meyer — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 04:57:15 +0000

Instead of telling you how working for The Slant will diversify your resume, relieve massive amounts of stress and give you a platform to ruthlessly ridicule whatever you want, I’m going to take this opportunity, 6x6in box of space and approximately a minute of your time to talk about myself.

This past August, I was a freshman.. sorry, ‘first-year student’. Granted, I’m still a freshman – but not in the deer-in-the-headlights, lanyard-wearing, travel-in-packs sense of the word. I had planned on joining The Slant since my visit to Vandy in April; the newest issue was on the racks then and I just couldn’t believe how outrageous it was. A school publication fearlessly touting obscenities, ‘penis’ and consistent criticism of the administration, and the Vandy world in general – it even came with a disclaimer! – seemed phenomenal and way preferable to the stereotypical, boring, ‘real news’ publications.

I followed through and joined The Slant. I was promptly ripped to shreds, viciously criticized, made fun of and proceeded to cry. The sarcastic, witty, pretentious bastards that compose the staff of the paper took one look at me and told me never to come back. Meryem is a heartless bitch. Not really. At all. It’s great.

Writing for The Slant and working alongside such awesome people that I wouldn’t have met otherwise has been one of my favorite parts of the Vandy experience. And the good news is, we’re always looking for new people. Come on in Mondays at 8 in Sarratt 130 and join the party, you won’t regret it.

Clay Christain says: Join The Slant!

Clay Christain — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 17:22:13 +0000

Have you ever dreamed of one day growing up to be part of SEAL Team Six? Well, if you’re reading this perspicacious publication, the odds are that your dreams were shattered long ago. Has the demanding load of homework sent you reeling into the fetal position? We’re here to help. The Slant is love – of what, I’m not entirely sure.
On Monday nights, some people watch football, others, House. We at The Slant lock ourselves in a room with colorful brick walls, but don’t get me wrong! It’s a fabulous shade of blue.
Are you a pre-med major looking to vent your deepest, darkest, most avaricious frustrations? We’ll welcome you with open arms! How about an insomniac engineer looking to take pot shots in your T-16 at easy HOD targets? You’re already a conniving, sarcastic bastard, so you’ll fit right in! What about an HOD major? Well, ok, I lied, your kind isn’t ever welcome here, but have fun with that one. I know you will. I hate you.
Mental slip aside, new writers means new friends, and new friends means new benefits. Can’t write? Fear not! Our comedic task force is well trained in the jocular arts. We will nurture you from a lowly tadpole of a scribbler to a postmodern Hemingway complete with a stout cigar and a tropical seaside villa. Still don’t want to write? Really? What’s wrong with you? Fear not! We always welcome new production staffers to tickle the keys and work wonders with technology.
So, when you’ve finished polishing off that last ephemeral morsel of King Ranch Chicken at Chef James, waddle your portly self down to Sarratt 130 at 8 P.M. on Monday!! Good night, and good luck.

Kyle Hope says: Join the Slant!

Kyle Hope — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 21:36:16 +0000

For the past few years, I’ve been the distribution manager for the Slant. Remember that guy screaming across campus in the morning with the golf cart? Yeah, that was me. Quick aside: sorry if I almost hit you – going 0 to 10 miles per hour in 4 seconds is quite a rush. Anyway, due to the economic downturn and the whole reorganization deal, I wound up out of a job since the Slant now comes delivered with Versus. So I decided to become a full-time Slant writer, and I have to tell you: this job is even better than racing from the Commons to Sarratt twice a month. The staff here is really friendly and will help you to write great content that can be in our next issue – even if you don’t think you are that funny! Our writing staff is always there to help you get started and can teach the best ways to poke fun at any group on campus. And if writing isn’t really what you are into, there are plenty of other awesome jobs available. We’re always looking for creative and fun-loving people to help us do everything from Photoshopping a hilarious image for the cover to helping us come up with ideas for the next big Slant prank. Even if you just have some ideas for funny articles you’d like written, we’d love to have you at our meetings, which are always a good time. So stop by the Student Media office in Sarratt 130 at 8PM on Mondays and help us keep being the funniest group on campus.