Local teen Brandy Flynn went undefeated this past Saturday at the 33rd Annual Southeast Regional Tetherball Tournament held in Raleigh, NC, at Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow Middle School. Throughout the tournament, Flynn dominated seven rounds in a display that spectators are calling “the scariest/most badass thing I have ever seen.”
According to Flynn’s best friend, Patricia “Peppermint Pattie” James, many competitors weren’t expecting Flynn’s victory. In fact, most doubted it. Pattie commented, “Brandy and I used to sit under the bleachers during P.E. and paint our nails. We aren’t athletic by any stretch of the imagination. She didn’t even sign up until the day before the tournament.”
What many did not know, however, was that the day before she signed up, Flynn had received some bad news.
“So I’ve been crushing on Tim for months, right? And he never even looks at me! Then, here comes Caroline Summers switching her long hair and wearing her ‘cup runneth over’ sweaters and he can’t take his eyes off of her! Obviously, I wanted to break her face. That’s why I signed up,” Flynn told reporters after the final round.
Heartbreak and unrequited love apparently gave Flynn an intense rush of adrenaline causing her to display a skill set never seen before. Crowd favorite and Alabama Eagle Scout, Carter Billings, recalls the final matchup between himself and Flynn. “Yeah, I’d heard talk about some girl from Tennessee who was climbing up the ranks, but I wasn’t worried at first,” recalls Billings. “But then, she walked onto the blacktop, and I don’t know, man; it was freaky. She was crying, like, the whole match, and every time she hit the ball she would yell something like, ‘You slut! (Bam) Bitch! (Bam) No good whore! (Bam)’ At first I thought she was talking to me, but I soon realized she was screaming at the ball. “
All in all, throughout the tournament it has been recorded that Flynn snapped four tether ropes, punctured one ball, and kicked over six trash cans. During lunch she also apparently set fire to a folder of love notes she had written Tim during Algebra last semester.
Nationals are scheduled for late May in Rochester, NY. Ironically, the tournament is taking place right after the end of the year dance, to which Tim and Caroline are rumored to be attending together. Yet another sweeping victory is predicted for Flynn and possibly some mandated anger management counseling.
Angsty Teen Dominates in Regional Tetherball Tournament
SEC Men’s Basketball Power Rankings
1. Alabama (6-9, 0-0 SEC)
Alabama comes on top yet again, as they continue to start with A and come in strong with a second letter L. The third A in their name certainly doesn’t hurt their case.
2.Arkansas (8-8, 3-4, 5-6)
Arkansas, a state that no one ever wants to visit, continues to try and bring in some
travelers by placing second on this list. Just barely above Auburn, Arkansas needs some help to catch Alabama in the hunt for the wild card.
3. Auburn (10-20-3-4, Campbell Conference)
Auburn falls short of Alabama yet again in this rivalry to control the dumbass fan
demographic. Also Cam Newton got paid by Taco Bell, come on…
4. deadmau5 ($500)
First of all, deadmau5 is too low on this list. Hey, bro, I think I’m out of ecstasy, but I still love you… AND I LOVE THIS SONG, OH MY GOD!!!!!
5. Florida (?-?)
Timmy Tebow goes to bed every night praying to Jesus and holding a little Alfred plushie. He also wears “Greg Hardy” pajamas according to the paint in the tunnel between Towers East and West.
6. Georgia (13-37)
Georgia still can’t escape the fact that they will never be as good as Florida since G comes after F.
7. Kentucky (4-20)
In addition to having the biggest greaseball of a coach, Kentucky can’t overcome
the letters H I and J that seperate them and #6 Georgia.
8. LSU (1-800-Collect)
LSU may have won that BCS game that year that USC claims to be the champs, but the world’s greatest quarterback was immortalized in a Kanye West song: “got a Trojan in my pocket – Matt Leinart.”
9. Mississippi State (4-5 FG, 1-1 3 pt)
Is this a school?? How are they above Mississippi? Whose crazy idea was this??
10. Ole Miss (Stanley Cup runner-up)
We don’t like them there rebels, so O comes after M in this list. Ever since they ditched Colonel Reb, their mascot has, in spirit, been Admiral Ackbar – the leader of the Rebels.
11. South Carolina (6’5”)
In addition to being way down on this list, their mascot is also named Cocky. COCKY. COCK-Y. COCK. 8===D~~
12. Tennessee (4.184 J/C)
Whether listed as University of Tennessee or Tennessee, this school still ends up here. Bruce Pearl needs to stop cheating and get a new jacket that isn’t barf-orange.
13. Vanderbilt (ELO 1800)
There was never much hope for Vanderbilt to be at the top of this list. We start with a V for crying out loud. We’re not going to do this list in reverse alphabetical order… that’d be silly.
Anyone for Tennis? The Slant’s Comprehensive Guide to the Australian Open
Hey there all you sports fans. If you’re like me, then you await the arrival of the Australian Open with the same giddy delight that a young adolescent feels the first time he wets the bed (and I don’t mean with piss). If you didn’t know that the Australian Open was going on, then you probably are either: (A) not a sports fan, (B) someone who has never wielded a tennis racquet before, (C) a failure like 99% of America, or (D) a little cunt. So assuming you fall into one of the above categories, let me go ahead and indulge you in a little bit of tennis knowledge so that next time you find yourself hobnobbing with the upperclass folk, you can impress them with your expansive knowledge of this snooty and pretentious sport.
When the average person hears women’s tennis, they immediately think, “Sharapova.” The men think, “That Sharapova is pretty good looking, maybe if she played naked or something this sport would actually be interesting.” The women think, “Fuck that Sharapova bitch! She’s not THAT good looking.” Unfortunately for you, men, Sharapova has recently been engaged to the newly traded savior of the Lakers, Sasha Vujacic. If it’s any consolation, she had shoulder surgery a few years back. When Vujacic was asked about how this affected their relationship, he retorted, “After the surgery, Maria had to switch to a western grip. Things just haven’t been the same since.”
Besides for Ms. Sharapova’s (who really isn’t that good anymore), just toss around some big names, For example, Serena Williams (with thighs the size of an average person’s torso), Wozniacki (who’s some hooker from Denmark who was the favorite to win the Aussie Open), and Clijsters a slut who got knocked up because she forgot her plan B and had to take some time off, but now she’s back). Name-drop like a pro and those rich assholes who love this sport will be drooling over you.
I’m assuming that there is a better chance that the conceited prick with whom you’ll be conversing about tennis is a man, so he’ll be interested in women’s tennis for less time than it takes a muon to decay: microseconds. You’re going to have to step up your game up to play with the big boys of men’s tennis if you really want to slob on their knob.
Here are some names to remember: Federer, Nadal, Murray, Djokovic, Roddick. Federer is pretty much the best ever, so I’m going to assume you’ve heard of him somewhere; if not, get your head out of your ass. Nadal hails from Spain and dominates the French Open more than your dad dominated your mom when you were conceived. Murray is this ugly ass bloke from Scotland with facial hair that makes Paul Pierce look like a grizzly lumberjack. Novak “Choke-a-Bitch” Djokovic is from Serbia. His nickname was bequeathed to him by none other than Sir Wayne Brady for his extensive contributions to the fields of pimping and raping.
Last and least of these players is Andy Roddick. He’s the best American player and is probably one of the greatest fucking disappointments to ever bring his talents to the courts. After winning the US Open in 2003, he hasn’t won jack shit. Interesting tidbit about Roddick, he’s married to Brooklyn Decker. She’s that incredibly gorgeous babe you may have seen on the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. Some have speculated that, recently, Roddick has been too busy sticking his rod into Brooklyn to focus on what he’s really good at: sucking Federer’s dick.
So, there’s the wide world of tennis for you in brief summary. I trust that you Vanderbilt students now possess enough information to uphold a lengthy conversation about tennis, at least one that’s long enough to change the subject to coloring (for HOD majors only), nerdy-ass shit (for engineers), or drinking (for everyone else).
Jolly Ol’ Jay
It was mere months ago that I came to you writing about the most beautiful throwing motion in football: the one and only Jay Christopher Cutler. I now sit here on the eve of the NFC championship game waiting with excitement to see him go at it once more. He may be the poor man’s Brett Lorenzo Favre, not to be confused with Lorenzo Lamas, but he is OUR poor man’s Brett Favre.
Being a guy from Florida, Orlando to be specific, I have a lot of friends from home who go to UF, FSU, and Miami, and with all of those premium programs, there are a lot of great pro athletes that they have to brag about. They can throw out their Rex Grossmans, Chris Weinkes, or Ken Dorseys, and until a few years ago, all I had was Orlando Magic superstar and current announcer Jeff Turner. Now, I have the Jay Cutler trump card whenever any of these sports bar arguments come up. He may throw into sextuple coverage, he may be a supreme asshole, and he may be dating Kristin Cavallari, who is a supreme reality show bitch, but all that said he puts Vandy on the map.
As a victory and prominence-starved sports lover at Vandy, I sure as heck need any notoriety that we can get. If it were up to me, we would have been one of those powerhouse athletic schools, because it is hard to drop the “we’re smarter than you” line day in and day out. Now with Cutler having Da Bears on the precipice of glory, I can also drop the “Tebow sucks AND Jay Cutler is better than you AND we’re still smarter than you” line, which is much more fulfilling as well.
All I need now is for Da Bears to bring one home, and I’ve got the “How many rings does Chris Leak or Brock Berlin or Chris Rix have?” line, and I am in the driver seat for life. So all I need is two more victories, and I can brag forever. I am begging the football gods, and the powers that be to give me, nay, us this victory, so that we can have something to hang over the heads of most of the rest of the SEC.
VU Launches Robbie Caldwell Resignation Investigation
The announcement of head football coach Robbie Caldwell’s resignation over Thanksgiving break, although met by typical amounts of Vanderbilt apathy, actually surprised some members of the community. Rumors circulated – sex scandal? Paid players? Steroids? Most settled on the football team’s atrocious record as the primary reason fir Caldwell’s resignation. However, a formal investigation into the Chancellor’s office and campus propaganda outlet, The Hustler, revealed much more to the story than officially released.
The first indiscretion discovered was the blatant grade inflation present in The Hustler’s weekly analyses of the football team’s performance. The paper’s low readership initially hid this practice, but in a school notorious for grade deflation, it was eventually unearthed. Although the team was clocking in each week by the layman’s standards in the range of F to, well, F, The Hustler’s incredibly talented and knowledgeable sports staff continued to award them B’s and C’s. Perhaps the staff writers attend the games a bit too inebriated, or maybe they just have a general lack of football know-how, but a 2-10 season getting a higher GPA than freshmen pre-meds? Needless to say, myriad red flags were raised when the investigation turned to The Hustler’s sports staff. As there is no crying in baseball, there are no test banks in football.
Next: a direct confrontation with the Chancellor’s office. Instead of wallowing in the immense bureaucracy, and instead of talking to secretary after secretary and wading through to-be-unreturned emails, the office was made accessible with uncharacteristic transparency.
“It honestly came down to the Honor Code – the foundation of morality on our beloved campus,” Chancellor Zeppos commented. “If we must choose between passing a test in integrity and completing a pass, we obviously pick to complete a pass. But the football team couldn’t even do that.”
What exactly this means, one cannot be sure – but the implications are undoubtedly severe, and we remain without a football coach. However, some argue a new coach-less approach may work allowing application of HOD group project skills. Stay tuned for more updates as they develop.
Jay Cutler is Limber Perfection
There have been a lot of beautiful creations in this world of ours, yet there is nothing more beautiful than Jay Jamison Cutler’s throwing motion. To say that it is the most beautiful thing in sports does not even begin to do it justice – it may be the most beautiful thing in the world. When Da Vinci finished the Mona Lisa, did the world stand in awe for centuries marveling at its simplistic beauty? When Rodin created The Thinker, did world admire it as one of the most recognizable pieces in sculpture? When Heidi Klum came to the US, did people worship her as the goddess she is? Maybe, but in A MidChicago Night’s Dream Shakespeare wrote, “Jay’s arm is compared to a summer’s day.”
I don’t mean to sound vulgar or anything, but I may be ready to send a petition to Roger Goodell asking for all future Bears broadcasts to censor any of Jay’s passes. They are way too erotic for network television especially on a Sunday! You may ask, “Coach Lewis, why on earth would you fixate on his throwing instead of his winning?” If you were to ask me this to my face, I would punch you and then respond to your tasteless and frivolous query. It is obvious that throwing motions make the QB.
Let us look at some of the more recent stellar motions to come into the league: David Carr, Tim Tebow, Ryan Leaf, JaMarcus Russell, Matt Leinart, Brandy Quinn, Joey Harrington, and a host of other QBs who were too talented to start in the league. Somehow, the NFL has emphasized winning and completions over beauty; that’s why trash like Manning, Brady, and Brees start and win and other inconsequential stuff like that.
This blasphemous stance is why we must support Jay and the Bears. If we don’t, the position of quarterback will become like the hybrid car: efficient but ugly.
Instead, let us praise quarterbacks like the Hummer, or Range Rover, which may have awful stats and many poor performances, but man, I’d stare at ‘em for days. So, let’s celebrate Jay, for the beauty he brings to all of mankind. Seriously, his arm’s like poetry in motion.
Vandy Continues Successful Bye Week Winning Streak
Saturday, September 25th marked yet another successful bye week for the Vanderbilt football team. Along with the impact of this event is the encouraging statistic that the Commodores have not lost on a bye week in three years.
Their last loss on such a week came at the beginning of the 2006 season, when Vandy’s second game was scheduled against Brigham-Young Eastern (BYE). A capitalization error by the administration led to a forfeit by Vandy because of the technicality of not having a team present at the game. Clayton Monning, a current 4th year senior lineman who was playing at the time of the miscue, told us in a brief interview, “Well, we thought it was weird that we only had ten games scheduled, but with the mess that is the BCS, we didn’t get overly concerned with the matter. Obviously, we’ve been very careful since.”
When asked about his team’s performance on Saturday, firstyear Head Coach Robbie Caldwell was very enthusiastic in his press conference Saturday evening. “No one is more excited about this than I am, I can assure you. The effort put forth by the entire team, down to a man, was impressive and has me confident about our chances for the rest of the season. No missed kicks, no penalties… I am extremely pleased with our execution. I’m not quite sure why Larry (Smith) threw that one ball away – he had hardly any pressure the entire day – but hey, a win’s a win.”
Although Caldwell would not openly commit to the notion of this being a turning point in the season, he did say that if the season continued on a good track, then he would definitely give some credit to what he called a “character win.” He also said, “As long as I am coach, we will remain undefeated on bye weeks. I guarantee it.”
Taco Bell Lowers Football Team’s Free Food Scoring Threshold to 14 Points
Well, Vanderbilt, the day has finally come. Taco Bell has given up on Vandy football, and you know what, I am not having it. You didn’t know what happened? The Taco Bell on West End has lowered the score that Vanderbilt needs to reach in order for us to get free tacos. Last year, the score was twenty-four points, and now it is just a paltry fourteen.
Fellow ‘Dores, we can read this headline, sit back, and maybe even crack a few football jokes, but the truth is that Taco Bell has egregiously insulted the entire Vanderbilt and greater metro Nashville community with this blasphemy.
Who the hell are you, Taco Bell? You are a “restaurant” known as a place where stoners go to get munchies when they’re blown out of their minds. That, and the only place not named White Castle or Krystal where it is acceptable to buy fourteen different items and consume them all at once.
T-Bell (I’m gonna call you T-Bell now because I have lost all respect for you), we have a great deal of young talent. Didn’t you know that our freshman running back won SEC offensive freshman of the year? No, you probably didn’t; you were probably coming up with your “sandwich” thingy that tastes just as crappy as every other non-descript item on your menu.
Sure, Vandy football has had its rough patches. We lost our coach and our first two home games, but c’mon, T-Bell, your old advertising campaign was a semi-retarded talking Chihuahua, although at least that was better than your current advertising campaign, a semi-retarded babbling slice of lime, even with its sexy, Antonio Banderas voice.
I don’t see where you guys get away with judging our product when at least ours has an upside. I used to give you the benefit of the doubt, and sometimes I even purchased your wares, but no longer.
I am asking the entire Vanderbilt community to take a page out of LeBron’s playbook and make a change: “At this time, Vandy, I would like to announce that I am taking my talents to any place that does not suck as hard as T-Bell.” I’m waiting for your Comic Sans reply, T-Bell. I’m waiting.
Class of 2014 Football Fan’s Checklist to Success
To the class of 2014, I realize that there may have been some confusion these past two weeks about exactly how Vanderbilt football works. Let me take the time to clear a few things up. First of all, yes, Vanderbilt does play in the best football conference in the country. Because of this, it’s important that you realize that it is your responsibility to keep the faith as one of the best fans in the country. It is recommended that each freshman student brings each of the following to EVERY home football game this year:
1. Floppy Flask– The floppy flask (circa 2004) is really just a colostomy bag, which can be filled with the spirit of your choice. This author prefers Everclear, because its potency means three and a half whole quarters of thinking that Vanderbilt is still winning the football game. The flask can then be slipped into the spectators boot and slipped past all security.
– Available from floppyflask.com. (For added enjoyment, try slipping it down your pants, so when that drunk senior gropes you on the way by, she’s in for a real surprise!)
2. Football Jersey– Those of you who actually read the contract you signed for early admission already know this, but for the unenlightened, line 6 of paragraph 142 reads, “In the event of a missed extra point during the first half of a home football game, each prospective student shall hereby be required to participate in an open tryout to be held during halftime of the aforementioned football game.” Yes, this has actually happened. I wouldn’t be caught dead without a jersey either; the wrath of Caldwell has no end.
– Available from the Bookstore
3. Paper Bag– This one is pretty self-explanatory and is generally reserved for those 4th quarter Florida games, but it’s best to come prepared for all situations. Cut holes in bag. Put bag over head. Stare at ground. If you’re really in a pinch, and your friend forgot his/her paper bag, sorority stickers over the eyes make for a reasonable substitute.
4. Signs Ridiculing the Opposing Team’s SAT Scores, Recent Arrests, or Dental Records– Let’s face it, you got in to Vanderbilt, so you definitely are not used to losing at anything. We all know it’s not a secret that Vanderbilt has the best academics in the SEC, but it feels so good to rub it into the faces of the toothless wonders from LSU (or wherever) that Jordan Jefferson probably doesn’t know that his name is what’s written on the back of his jersey. For the underprepared student, just yell out something about JaMarcus Russel’s NFL career; I’m told it’s a sensitive subject.
5. Shirt and Tie– This one is for real: show up looking like a million bucks. Hell, even if it’s a million bucks that had a little too much to drink and got vomited all over, it’s still a million bucks. Let’s be honest, it’s always nice to remind those opposing fans that if they’re jackasses now, they might not get a job later. I’m not above refusing to ever hire an LSU fan in my career solely because they beat us twice while I was here.
