“The key problem with my campaign was that I didn’t appear completely crazy,” said Republican Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman at a press conference yesterday. The former governor of Utah and ambassador to China rode a pink unicorn on stage and had painted his face in a sickly combination of black and white to resemble a zombie.
“Newt, Perry, Bachmann – they all seem poised to demolish civilization as we know it and send the world into a never-ending nuclear holocaust with their awe-inspiring levels of stupidity and insanity,” said Huntsman. “That’s why they were so far ahead of me in the polls.”
Reports surfaced earlier this week that Huntsman had embarked on a new campaign strategy in an effort to boost his popularity. Huntsman has been trailing throughout the campaign season, with support rarely higher than 1% among Republican voters.
“I’ve settled on a new slogan for my campaign: I was born this way,” continued Huntsman. “And when I say that, I mean that I was born a straight Christian, of course.”
“Here I was with positions that actually sounded halfway reasonable. For God’s sake, I actually said that I believed the entire scientific community about global warming. So I scratched my head,” said Huntsman, who scratched his head to reveal that it had been shaved and painted to resemble an exposed brain, “and I thought, why am I losing so badly? Then I realized the problem – I appeared remotely sane. So I dropped all the substance from my campaign and turned to Lady Gaga.”
At this point, Huntsman threw open his tuxedo, revealing a red leather nun outfit underneath. Donning a white cornette, Huntsman performed an elaborate dance across the stage, using the podium as a pole and repeating “Rah rah ah-ah-ah/Gaga oh-la-la!”
The response was mixed. “I’m still supporting Gingrich,” said one Republican voter. “It all seems like a stunt. I don’t buy that Huntsman is actually this crazy. Newt, on the other hand – he’s genuinely an opportunistic, egotistic, sociopathic moron.”
“Dancing zombie nun or not,” said another voter, “I’m still for Rick Perry. Of course his ideas are ludicrous, but I can hardly believe that he’s even sober half the time he’s talking.”
“I’m still voting for us,” said Rick Perry.
But Huntsman’s poll numbers have risen dramatically. “Just remember, don’t be a drag – just be a queen,” said Huntsman at the end of the conference. “Honestly, I have absolutely no idea what that means,” he added.
A music video of Huntsman’s dance routine has already reached eighty million views on Youtube. The success of the strategy has inspired other candidates – early reports indicate that Mitt Romney will soon be releasing a video cover of Sexy and I Know It.
Huntsman Trys to Energize Campaign by Acting Like Lady Gaga
Tourists Flock to See World’s 50th Largest Ball of Yarn
Tourism in Quebec has seen a spike in recent weeks which many in the area attribute to the recent opeinning of the “World’s 50th Largest Ball of Yarn” exhibition in a barn just outside the city.
Three months ago, the city decided to move forward with plans to create and then exhibit the ball of yarn, sinking city funds into the project. Local artists and craftsmen went to work and only two months later had converted a barn into a viewing space and gift shop for the ball.
Debbie Cotourier is the current executive director of the attraction. She told our reporter, “people come to see the ball of yarn because being in the presence of it fills them with wonder and awe. The ball stands as a testament to that which the people of this city can achieve when we commit the best of ourselves to achieving our goals.”
Visitors to the big ball of yarn are able to take their picture with the yarn and are even allowed to reach out and touch it if they’d like.
Linda Carle, a six year old first grader, was among those who reached in to feel the yarn. “It feels like yarn!“ exclaimed Carle, as she touched her hand to the yarn.
There is also a gift shop in one corner of the barn that sells smaller balls of yarn which people can take home as souvenirs.
The ball of yarn has been officially confirmed to be exactly the 50th largest such ball in the world. The ball falls just shy of being 49th largest, an honor which currently rests with the big yellow ball of yarn in Bismark, North Dakota.
The ball of yarn is about twice the size of the industry standard ball. It is made entirely of Barnet-brand royal blue mid-weight yarn.
Michael Giroux was part of the team tasked with creating the ball of yarn. He told The Slant, “We basically took two balls of yarn and tied them together. Now people are coming to see it.”
The ball of yarn has become so popular that many in the community around Quebec have become fans. A group known as the “Yarnsmen” has taken to wearing thickly knitted sweaters to show support for the ball of yarn.
Unfortunately, the advent of the Yarnsmen has made it difficult for any non-supporters of the ball to wear sweaters without appearing to be part of the movement. Karen Pronger says that she doesn’t even feel comfortable wearing her own knit scarves in public “lest people think I’m a tour guide at the yarn ball.”
The popularity of the ball of yarn attraction has baffled many people outside of the city. One such skeptic says that he’d like to remind everyone that, “It’s just a ball of yarn. Why would you want a picture of that? Sure, it’s slightly larger than other balls of yarn, but… come on.”
Tales from Our Trip to The Liberty Bowl
5:30 pm- Depart from Dallas
6:00 pm- Wait in traffic outside of Dallas
6:27 pm- Drive along I-30, stare at plains on the side of the highway
X 6:59 pm- Pass by store called “Beer:30,” avoid swerving ’89 Dodge pickup exiting Beer:30’s drive through, question the ethics of a drive-through beer store
7:11 pm- Bored as hell
8:04 pm- Stare at the boring Texas landscape some more
8:39 pm- Stop for food and gas in Texarkana, wonder why the gas station is selling Florida souvenir shot glasses
X 10:01 pm- Hit deer just outside of Arkadelphia; who names a city “Arkadelphia?”
10:03 pm- Drag deer carcass to side of road
10:04 pm- Say a few words in deceased deer’s honor; offer our sincerest apologies to his deer family
11:30 pm- Arrive in Little Rock, spend the night at relative’s house
9:12 am- Depart Little Rock, prolonged silence for the next hour
10:17 am- There is literally nothing in this state
10:24 am- Make jokes about Arkansas, but at least we’re not in Louisiana
11:43 am- Arrive at hotel in Memphis
12:15 pm- Arrive at Liberty Bowl, turn down $10 parking in front yard of lady wearing Mumu
12:30 pm- Complete circumnavigation of Liberty Bowl through seas of Cincinnati fans to find friend’s tailgate
X 12:37 pm- Observe middle-aged people wearing Missouri gear playing beer pong and bald man wearing ammo belt loaded with 25 red hot shots
2:41 pm- Vanderbilt possession, offense goes 3 and out
2:50 pm- Vanderbilt possession, offense goes 3 and out
2:57 pm- Vanderbilt possession, offense goes 3 and out
3:58 pm- Preposterous halftime show featuring geriatric from KC and the Sunshine Band, women dressed as Cinderella, and giant marching band we couldn’t hear
4:35 pm- Excitement: Vanderbilt might win!
4:43 pm- Game dissolves into frustrating stalemate of decent defense and ineffectual offense
5:01 pm- Vanderbilt could still win…
5:53 pm- Vanderbilt loses; express utmost dissatisfaction using expletives; apologize to family with 3 small children sitting behind us
6:24 pm- Arrive on Beale Street. Seems fun, but they’ve sold themselves out a little
6:35 pm- Eat at barbeque joint
7:21 pm- Walk down alley to see outdoor blues concert; rethink our decision as shirtless men keep entering through shadowy gate topped with razor wire
7: 33 pm- Not sure if we should judge or admire people with 4-foot-tall margaritas
7:45 pm- Go to outdoor concert on Beale Street; singer of blues band wearing black cape and red leather pants sounds like he has eaten a bowl of staples in preparation for his career
8:32 pm- Punk metal band hailing from Tupelo, Mississippi takes the stage; concert attendants leave
9:01 pm- Observe enormous, unwashed man dressed as Santa Claus drinking 4-foot-tall margarita, take picture, careful not to let him see; run away, thinking he might have rabies
9:50 pm- Friend’s dad purchases Diver (aka Elvis Juice), a bucket of mystery libations from Silky O’ Sullivan’s Irish Tavern
10:32 pm- See preacher with sign condemning the sinful wicked of Beale Street for their debauchery
10:33 pm- Offer to buy preacher a drink, secretly ask God for forgiveness
11:40 pm- Irritating Cincinnati fans and general intoxicated public swarm onto Beale Street; claustrophobia sets in
11:59 pm- Novelty guitar outside of Hard Rock Café begins to fall–a shameless, sad mimic of Times Square
12:00 am- Celebrate yet another passage around the sun; wasn’t sure if the world would make it this time
12:40 am- Make it back to the hotel; crash
9:15 am- Depart from hotel, trying not to mention the bowl game
X 12:47 pm- Stop for lunch and gas at truck stop Subway in Arkadelphi. Seriously, what’s up with that name?
12:48:03 pm- Make Deliverance joke at truck stop in Arkadelphia
12:48:04 pm- Run like hell away from truck stop
12:49 pm- Sneak back into truck stop to retrieve forgotten sunglasses
5:03 pm- Tired silence interrupted by occasional conversation
X 5:05 pm- Arrive back in Dallas; cross our fingers that Vandy gets a bid to the Cotton Bowl next year
Even Deaf Basketball Players Need to Wear Dr. Dre Headphones
New freshman basketball stand-out Steven Pinnauricle was recently pressured into wearing Beats by, Dr. Dre headphones, around campus despite being completely deaf.
Pinnauricle, born in southern Ethiopia, lost all of his hearing in an accident involving a hammer, an anvil, and a stirrup. Not letting his disability impede his promising athletic career, he secured a scholarship to Vanderbilt some 18 months ago after a record-setting season at Ethiopia High.
Only a casual listener of music, Pinnauricle had no intentions of following the trend set by his teammates and wearing Dr. Dre’s now iconic headphones around campus, but the team had other plans for him. In a recent vote, his team unanimously decided that he would wear the headphones around campus and in dormitory lobbies.
When asked why his team would force this upon him, John Jenkins merely stated, “I don’t wanna be hearing all this talk about us forcing all this stuff on him. I’m tired of all this noise. We know what’s best for him.” When asked if he wanted to change this quote in light of the fact one of his fellow teammates cannot actually hear anything, he simply made several consecutive 3-point jumpers.
Pinnauricle apparently tried to get his teammates to agree he could wear the ear-bud version of the headphones, but all of his requests fell on deaf ears.
An interview with Pinnauricle was attempted, but when asked how he felt about the team’s decision, he simply said, “Huh?” Whether this was an indicator of a deficiency in his comprehension of the inquiry presented to him, or whether he is just deaf, remains unknown. I wrote my question of, “Do you have some ear muffs for your first real winter?” on a slip of paper and he scoffed at me and wrote back that he didn’t wear ear muffs, on principle.
I continued my research on his Facebook page, and things to note would be that his favorite artist is Picasso, his favorite composer Beethoven, and his favorite movie is Dumbo.
One other thing Pinnauricle related was that due to his humble beginnings, finding the money for such expensive headphones would be difficult, and when he asked his teammates if he could buy knock-off Dr. Dre headphones, they glared at him and told him to never mention something like that again and they would turn a deaf ear to it once, but only just this once.
Wikipedia’s SOPA/PIPA Blackout Found to be Prejudicial Against English-Speaking Americans
Beginning at midnight Eastern Standard Time on January 18, 2012, Wikipedia protested the SOPA and PIPA legislation currently in Congress by blacking out only the English-language version of its website for 24 hours. Within minutes of the digital lights going out, uni-lingual Americans took to the web in protest, blogging, tweeting, and reposting about Wikipedia’s blatant discrimination against all English-speakers.
As user EntitledAmerican on www.americancensorship.org eloquently posted, “Anyone else who spoke any language other than English still had complete access to all the open-source information he could ever want. It’s not my fault that English is the international language of commerce and everything else and that everyone wants to be like us. How am I supposed to start and complete my 30-page research paper the morning before it’s due without Wiki? Should I be punished because my language and country are the best? No, because Wikipedia is free and should be available always.”
Standing on the other side of the fence, Wikipedia repeatedly claimed that the blackout was only intended to bring the absurdity of SOPA and PIPA into the American public consciousness, assuming that addressing them in their own language would prove most effective. According to the Wikipedia page bearing the “SOPA Initiative” title – the site’s only page available in English during the blackout – “visitors were not able to read the encyclopedia, and instead saw messages about SOPA and PIPA, encouragement to contact their representatives, and links to share information on social media.” What Wikipedia did not expect, however, was the rampant backlash of prejudicial allegations from its user-community.
“Wikipedia hates English[-speaking] people!” blogged one user who went on to admit that she bought the 2010 hardback edition of the Encyclopedia Britannica off of Amazon for over $1,300 later on that afternoon in protest of Wikipedia’s protest.
“Wikipedia’s run by a bunch of Commies! We’ll all be forced to speak Mandarin or Russian by the end of the year,” said another level-headed blogger.
However, bi-lingual American citizens, registered internationals, and illegal immigrants alike were surprisingly silent about the whole issue. When pushed for a comment, Spanish doctoral candidate Alejandra Marquez tersely stated, “It was really no big deal for me. I just clicked on the Spanish version of Wikipedia and kept searching for resources for my doctoral thesis. What is this SOPA thing again? Did you mean to spell soap? It’s S-O-A-P, mi amigo.”
Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales, a dot-com-era mogul who first got his hands wet with a male-oriented web portal featuring adult entertainment and content, has fought the censorship beast before and concocted the whole website blackout idea. Said Wales, “Just tell them they can’t have it for a little while, and it only makes them come back wanting it even more, harder, and faster. I just decided to blackout the English-language version because I speak English. No other reason whatsoever.”
Within 72 hours of the 24-hour blackout, the Wikimedia Foundation received approximately $120 million in international donations, mostly from governmental donors in Russia and China.
First Season of “That 90′s Show” to hit stores this weekend
The box set collector’s edition of the new sitcom “That 90′s Show” (from the creators of How I Met Your Mother and Full House) is set to release this Saturday. With the 90′s as an era officially deemed “retro”, this first season is a perfectly-timed smash-hit comedy.
The show was originally aired on Discovery Health, and, despite early reviews calling it a “narrow cult-classic,” the show has gone on to delight nearly the entire country with its special brand of comedic genius.
The series takes place in the Michigan town of Burnsville directly following the ironic destruction of its high school due to arson in 1994. The story follows Jefferey Walker and his friends as they attempt to deal with the psychological trauma of losing two of their friends in the fire. His father is a Vietnam veteran, whose bouts of binge drinking and PTSD will have the viewer roflcoptering into the ether. In one gut-busting episode, his neighbor and crush (the ever-quirky Amber White) slowly and hilariously takes up heroin, much to the bemusement of her parents. As Jefferey attempts to reconcile their relationship, viewers will hear a delightful soundtrack filled by Rick Astley’s love ballad “Cry for Help” and The Police’s “Every Breath you Take”.
The priceless flashbacks in the episode “Smells Like Death” of the midnight vigil following Kurt Cobain’s suicide will bring tears of joy to viewers’ eyes. This heartwarming episode, set to Cobain’s own “I Hate Myself and I Want to Die,” shows the diversity of the series, highlighting the dear memories of newly-formed friendships. It also serves the viewers to recall their own happy memories of the culmination of Cobain’s plunge into severe depression.
The series is not without historical merit, either. Those of us who barely remember the dawn of the world wide web will cherish the chance to vicariously experience the OJ Simpson trial, while those who recall the Clinton era will enjoy the lighthearted class assignment in “The Carnage Never Stops,” in which the gang learns about the Rwandan genocide.
Overall, this first season is a gold mine of jokes and topical humor. The laughs literally never stop in this nostalgic new series, which leaves many viewers longing for the glory days that are the 90′s. I, for one, know that these DVD’s will have permanent place in my DVD player, at least until the next season arrives!
Government Coup Reported in Mayan Afterlife
New Tikal, Mayan Cloud, Heaven- Mass riots resulted in a government coup in the Mayan heaven last week after the predication for the complete destruction of the universe proved to be false. The so called “end of days” myth was heavily supported by the ruling party in the Mayan afterlife for their impressive three thousand year control over the Mayan people. While support for the majority party has been waning since their complete annihilation from the planet earth 1800 years ago, the failed prediction of the apocalypse seemed to be the last straw for the Mayan people.
“We were informed by the government we trusted to pay off our debts and settle our disputes and we listened,” one citizen explained. Many sold their businesses, were nicer to their neighbors, and reconnected with loved ones they didn’t really like out of guilt because of the government’s prediction.
“I finally told my wife I never loved her. I’d been holding it in for years. Now, well, it’s just awkward,” said another protestor of the displaced regime.
While many former officials managed to escape the coup unscathed and sought political asylum in neighboring ethereal societies, reporters caught up with the former Undersecretary of Sacrifices and Virgins, who quickly defended his government by stating: “To be fair, we predicted this incident hundreds of years ago. There’s no way we thought people would still believe this stuff in the 21st century.”
After almost a week of violence, the people have established a temporary democracy until the Mayan’s first public election is held sometime in the next two months. While many leaders of the movement against the former government have expressed interest in the position of the president, Manny “The Jaguar” Ortiz, a front man for the radical activity and current temporary President, is the most likely candidate.
“We are responding to a public cry for rationality. My campaign seeks to depart from the former government’s fear of progress, and will not support off-the-handle predictions not supported by the seventeen calendars of the Mayan people,” Ortiz said at a rally on Tuesday the 10th (or Friday the 32nd if you are using the Short Count Calendar).
Rationality and logic are two major platforms of the new government, which has led to massive support for the movement by the Mayan people. The new government has recruited the realm’s most progressive and advanced scientists and cosmologists to debunk the 2012 legend for good.
“It’s an old idea,” one scientist said. After initial data collection, the leaders of the new progressive party now support the new 3023 “End of Days” theory.
“3023? Yeah, that seems pretty far away,” one civilian said in support. Pretty far away, indeed. With the intensity of the last month, most citizens hope they will not have to face eminent destruction or political upheaval for at least one thousand years.
In other news, reports from the Aztec cloud of heaven have announced the arrival of visitors from Spain!
The Slant Endorses Rick Santorum!
We at The Slant have been following the Republican primary very closely over the past few years. We’ve watched all 25 of the debates (so far) and have been both watching the polls of others and keeping track of our own statistics. Up until now our role in the campaign has been strictly observational. But we’ve decided to change all of that today by coming out and endorsing one of the candidates.
We had a tough time settling on which candidate deserved our support. We had to figure out which of the remaining rich white men best represented ourselves, our newspaper, and our student community. It took weeks of intense debate among Slant editors before we finally came to a decision.
The Slant is now prepared to officially endorse (drumroll please) Rick Santorum.
All of the candidates had different strong points, making it very difficult to pick just one. But then one of our editors decided that we would be remiss if we didn’t pick a candidate that addressed the concerns of our (sizable) LGBTQI readership.
Our first thought was “Great, we’ll just pick one of the openly gay candidates.” But we quickly learned that none of the candidates are openly gay. We all thought there was at least one, but it turns out that it was actually his wife who was running, not him. With no openly gay candidates, we had to take the next best thing. We chose a candidate who seems like he’s still in the closet.
And that’s what we’ve got here in Santorum. You know, folks, it’s one thing to be against gay marriage. Lots of people are. It’s another thing to be homophobic. But at a certain point a person reaches a level of homophobia so absurd that anyone who hears them speak about gay marriage just has to wonder, “How the hell did this guy learn so much about homosexuality?”
Sure, Mr. Santorum has lots of ideas for this country. He has an economic plan. He’s got a plan for health care and even ideas to reform social security. But for some reason he chooses to not talk about these issues all the time. Much like the great Harvey Milk (another gay political pioneer) Santorum has decided to make LGBTQI issues the hallmark of his campaign.
To say that Santorum talks a lot about homosexuality is a bit like saying water is damp. The man mentions gay sex in an astounding 43% of his public appearances. He really is the only candidate who gives LGBTQI issues the amount of attention they deserve.
As I mentioned earlier, a lot of our readers are gay. And among those people, many have spent some time in the closet. So I’m sure that lots of you can sympathize with Mr. Santorum. There are lots of people out there who will tell Mr. Santorum that being gay is wrong. (Including Rick Santorum himself) Well here is our chance to take a stand and say together, in one voice “It’s OK to be gay, and you can come out any time you want!”
Provision allowing US military to indefinitely detain American citizens suspected of terrorism passes because of Sporcle, Facebook
On December 15, 2011, the National Defense Authorization Act passed through the Senate, on a vote of 86-13. The bill, an annual act that provides for the military budget, has raised a great deal of controversy due to a provision allowing the US military to indefinitely detain American citizens suspected of terrorism without trial.
The National Defense Authorization Act is always viewed as a “must pass” bill, targeting it for ridiculous earmarks; this year, however, sources close to Congress cite a different reason: time-wasting sites like StumbleUpon and Facebook.
When asked why he voted for a bill that violated Americans’ rights to due process of law, Sen. Richard Burr (R- NC) claimed, “The bill says what?!?! That’s ridiculous. I didn’t read it; I was epically dominating all the letter quizzes on Sporcle.”
Senator Barbara Boxer (D- CA) similarly said, “Wait, that bill allows the military to do what? Shit. I got the new timeline profile on Facebook, so I was messing with that. If I had read the bill, I never would have voted for it.”
Sponsor of the bill, Sen. Carl Levin (D- MI) had this to say:“The war on terror is of utmost importance to our national security. Terrorists are bent on destroying our freedom as Americans. I added the provision as a way of fighting terrorism, giving the military the power to indefinitely detain without trial suspected terrorists, even if they’re US citizens. I was worried about the bill meeting too-heavy opposition, but I figured that most congressmen would not read the bill too closely, because I’ve noticed a dramatic rise in Facebook, YouTube, Sporcle, Hulu, and StumbleUpon usage during congressional sessions.”
A spokesperson for the American Civil Liberties Union called the provision in the Defense Authorization Act “An atrocious desecration of the right to due process of law as outlined in the Fifth and Sixth Amendments of the Bill of Rights.”
In response, Sen. Scott Brown (R- MA) said, “Yeah, it’s a blatant transgression against the most fundamental legal rights of all Americans. I feel kinda bad about it. I didn’t know; I didn’t read the bill, cause I was stumbling upon cute animals all last session. That site’s so addictive, you know?”
Senator Dick Durbin (D- IL), one of the thirteen senators who opposed the bill, had this to say: “Yeah, the congressional session before this, I wasted so much time on YouTube and Facebook. So this time around, I blocked myself from all my usual time-waster sites, so that I would actually do some work. When I read the provision in the Defense Authorization Act, there was no way I could vote for it. Military detainment of citizens? That’s such an egregious offense against this country’s basic tenets of liberty.”
On December 31, 2011, President Obama signed the bill into law, but with the qualification that his administration would not indefinitely detain without trial US citizens, as the provision allows.
The president’s public statement claimed, “I signed the bill with reservations, but it was necessary to fund military operations and pay military personnel. I will not authorize the indefinite detainment of US citizens without trial, because to do so would be a crime against the Constitution, which I have sworn to uphold.”
Sources close to the White House have alleged that President Obama was overheard saying “Thank God it created such a scandal in the Senate; I sure as hell didn’t read it. I got hooked on How I Met Your Mother, so I was catching up on all the seasons on Netflix. At least I had enough warning to publicly oppose the provision in the bill before I signed it.”
Days Lengthen, Humanity Saved
An impending global catastrophe was averted late last month when the day-consuming darkness began an abrupt retreat. While experts tell us it is still to early to know for sure, with each passing day they are becoming more confident that the biosphere has been spared from unending night.
The first indication of problems appeared early last September when researchers with the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration noticed an alarming trend. “When we looked at the data, we were shocked to find that not only was each day getting consistently shorter than the last, but also that this had been going on for months,” says senior researcher Dr. David Marshall.
In fact, Nashville had lost an astonishing six hours of daylight from June to December. “We all tried to maintain a strong face in public for the last few months, but honestly, it looked pretty bleak. If the days had continued to wane at that rate, we would have plunged into constant night before next August. Even if we figured out how to stop the loss, and daylight just held steady at those December numbers, there still wouldn’t have been enough light to grow crops at anywhere near the scale we need.”
On the evening of the 23rd, the National Weather Service reported that they had measured a slightly longer day. While many were skeptical at first, each day since has added more evidence, and the scientific community at large now believes that this trend will continue.
Although scientists still do not know what prompted the change, many public figures have questioned whether the shift’s proximity to Christmas is mere coincidence. “A Christmas miracle? Undeniably,” said presidential hopeful Rick Santorum in comments last Thursday. “The birth of the ‘Light of the World’ and our salvation here on Earth from darkness – I don’t think anyone can credibly claim the two aren’t related.”
Still, many questions remain unanswered. Among them, what to make of strange reports emerging from Australia and other bottom-nations, claiming that their daytime hours had only expanded during our darkness and that they are now facing waning similar to what we recorded in July.
