Junior Cameron MacDowell became incredibly frustrated last Wednesday when he found himself unable to vent his frustration in InsideVandy’s anonymous commentary feature, known as “The Rant,” frustrating him even further.
MacDowell, who was incredibly irritated by the perpetually long lines at the package pickup window, wished to express his unhappiness in a public yet anonymous way, thinking it would make him less frustrated that he was unable to pick up his package before class.
However, according to MacDowell, the new updates to the InsideVandy website made “The Rant” impossible to find.
“I was already pretty pissed about the package pickup window,” MacDowell said. “When I couldn’t find ‘The Rant’ to vent about it, I got really pissed and wanted to complain about it, but I couldn’t!”
MacDowell said that, while he appreciated the irony of the situation, he really just wanted to complain.
“I know that complaining about the package window line always being absurdly long won’t make the line any shorter,” MacDowell said. “And I know that posting a rant about ‘The Rant’ being gone won’t make it come back, but I really think I’d feel better if I had an outlet to vent my frustration.”
MacDowell said he did consider venting in other media but ultimately decided that “The Rant” was the only suitable outlet for his anger.
“I thought about posting on my Facebook about it,” MacDowell said. “But then people would complain about the long line, and I don’t want to listen to them bitch about it. And the PCC is so far away that I would probably want to rant about the distance if I went there and that would just make things even worse.”
MacDowell said that he hopes “The Rant” is not permanently gone, but says that he is not sure what happened to it.
“Honestly, I have no idea if it’s still a thing or not,” MacDowell said.
“If it’s not gone, then they’ve hidden it really well, and that’s something I’d like to rant about. If it is gone, they just took it away without warning, and I wasted thirty minutes looking for something that wasn’t there, and I’d like to rant about that too.”
Student Frustrated by Inability to Find The Rant on New InsideVandy Site, No Outlet To Vent Frustration
Student Hospitalized After CT West Visit
This past Saturday night, student Oscar Verdose was hospitalized for alcohol poisoning after consuming excessive amounts of CT West’s popular Jack Daniels BBQ sauce. Verdose, a junior with an American Studies major and concentration on the west, was said to have had a blood barbecue alcohol content (BBBQAC) level of .23, a typically fatal amount. He reportedly entered the restaurant wearing spurs and chaps and ripped shots of the sauce before groping several vaudeville show girls, addressing a staff member as “pilgrim,” and eventually passing out.
CT West’s Jack Daniels sauce is housed in the barrels many students assume are gaudy decor. The sauce, also believed by most to be non-alcoholic, is in fact the most potent sauce the restaurant has ever produced. Its 160 proof content is notably stronger than the 120 proof Evan Williams sauce of the 1990s. Workers at CT West seem to recognize the danger the sauce poses; Verdose, however, declined to use another sauce during his visit, saying repeatedly, “We don’t need no stinking other sauces.” VUStat reports that the sauce is the third leading cause of death at CT West, behind shoot-outs and obesity.
“The alcoholic sauce is necessary in maintaining the rugged, wild-west cowboy theme of the restaurant,” commented that one dude with glasses who always works at CT West.
Critics of the establishment have noted the failure of the Old West saloon façade, citing especially the cheesy gunshot noise on the touch screen and awkward flickering lasso of lights. Witness of the incident and French transfer student Jean Wayne even commented, “I’ve never been in a restaurant that made me feel less like I was a cowboy.”
Despite the incident, CT West has no plans to change out the sauce. However, that one dude did hint at plans to expand into the adjacent Quiznos, saying, “This tower ain’t big enough fer the two of us.”
It’s Now Uncool to be Uncool Again
Well-dressed, athletic, and social people everywhere confirm that it’s once again uncool to be uncool, and conversely cool to be cool.
Uncoolness, frequently a problem for the lower-middle class, has been a drain on society from the 1950s, up until the late 1990s, when geeks grew some nuts and decided that it was cool to be uncool.
Donning their parents’ dusty jackets over ironic thrift store t-shirts, dorky kids took on a new identity—hipsters—and spent the past decade and a half trying too hard to look like they weren’t trying, in order to convince society that uncool was the new cool.
Well, it worked… for a while. Poll results this year indicate that after increasing and plateauing for many years, the popularity of artsy haircuts and skinny jeans has finally taken a downward turn, signifying that the nation believes it is once again uncool to be uncool.
Mothers are breathing sighs of relief, echoed throughout the entire American South, as their kids look in the mirror and decide that baggy flannel looks terrible, and a nicely fitting collared shirt would be a better choice.
Aside from the fact that “Kool” was the new cool for a while with these cigarette-smoking hipsters, cool has not been cool since approximately 1990.
Cool people today are ecstatic:
“Finally, I don’t need some greasy twit judging me for popping my collar and wearing a Patagonia jacket with my pressed khakis… or showering daily… or going outside… or listening to rap!” commented one man who self-identified as “always been cool” in our survey.
Of ten thousand participants in our nationwide poll of cool people, 15% claimed, like the above man, that they have always been cool, or have been cool since the early ‘90s. 9% claimed they hadn’t been cool before 2012, but have changed habits and recently become cool for the first time in their lives, and the remaining 76% checked the box for “Was uncool (which I thought was so cool) for a while, but I’m back to normal now.”
New Jersey Bans Sale of Human Meat
After a long battle in state congress, New Jersey has illegalized the processing, distribution, and sale of human meat. As of January 2013, no foods with “man” in the ingredients can be sold within the state of New Jersey, including at butcheries and mortuaries.
This new law ends centuries of man eating in the state.
The human meat trade in New Jersey dates back to its colonial days, and has been a large factor in the state’s economy since then.
After the Dutch established the colony, savvy trading soon led to a market for cheap and tender human meat. Many other New England states had flourishing human meat markets as well, but with the development of the other states, most of them have cut human meat off their menus decades or centuries ago; New Jersey is the last holdout in this archaic trend.
The ban comes as part of New Jersey’s project, included in Obama’s economic stimulus package, to elevate its class from historically critically-low levels.
New Jersey governor, Chris Christie, said “We’re not looking for miracles here. We may never have things like clean water or normal levels of trash in the streets, but if we could get people to stop eating people, we’d call it good enough.”
Those who can’t adapt to inhuman meats, rest assured; the law does not forbid the consumption of human meat already in one’s possession.
Christie says he hopes to prevent meat riots in this way, by weaning the population off human meat.
Economist Jean Laurie, employed by New Jersey to manage the state’s transition to “Man-Meat Free ’13,” believes this will also benefit the state’s economy during its last year of selling human meat:
“Prices will be a lot higher in 2012 as consumers rush to buy up the last of the man meat. The sales rush will help invigorate the economy as we look into other cheap meats to place in our hamburgers.”
Laurie predicts that come 2013, gourmands and rare food eaters may still be able to locate human meat on the black market, but with the heavy charges to be associated with getting caught selling man meat, “it’s going to cost them an arm and a leg.”
Trailer for “Dark Knight Rises” Better Than Any Movie Currently Playing
After a record dip in overall box office grosses, figures improved following the release of the two-minute trailer for “The Dark Knight Rises”. The trailer has gone on to become one of the most popular films of the year, sweeping the Golden Globes with five awards.
The two-minute trailer beat out critical acclaimed films like “The Descendants” and “The Help” to win the award Best Motion Picture: Drama. The victory puts the trailer in the lead for this year’s Oscar race.
The trailer also won Golden Globes for Best Director for Christopher Nolan, Best Actor in a Leading Role for Christian Bale, Best Actress for Marion Cotillard, and Best Actor in a Supporting Role for Michael Caine.
After his name was announced as the winner, Caine received a standing ovation. “In my three seconds of screen time, I made sure to say my one line with absolute conviction,” said Caine. “It took several minutes of rehearsal.” Caine beat out fellow nominee Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who appears onscreen for 0.4 seconds.
According to Hollywood Foreign Press spokesperson Michael Bary, “We decided not to nominate ‘Drive’, ‘The Tree of Life’, ‘Take Shelter’, or ‘Melancholia’ because those are good movies and we’re complete idiots.”
Praise for the preview, which shows the villainous Bane and Catwoman wreaking havoc in Gotham City, has been unanimous. “It’s by miles the best film of the holiday season. Those two minutes are packed with truly harrowing visuals and deep emotional themes of civilization versus chaos,” said film critic Roger Ebert.
Some audience members have been reported to be purchasing tickets to feature-length films just to see the trailer. “Of course I didn’t want to see ‘We Bought A Zoo’ ten times,” said one filmgoer. “I just wanted to see that trailer on the big screen.”
“This is supposed to be the awards season. Given all the crap that Hollywood has released, it’s really not surprising that this trailer seems like such a masterpiece,” said film analyst Girgus Samsen. “I mean, whose idea was it to make another Chipmunks movie? ‘New Years Eve’? Are you kidding? And ‘War Horse’ – how could anybody have expected that to be any good? It’s a testament to the weakness of the final stretch of this year that a piece of mediocrity like ‘The Descendents’ is getting so much buzz.”
More than six million pre-orders for the Blu-ray release of the trailer have already been placed. Many are waiting for the special collector’s edition next May. Its trailer promises loads of extras, including deleted shots and a full two-minute commentary by director Christopher Nolan.
Jon Huntsman Imitates Lady Gaga In Efforts To Appear As Insane As Other Republican Candidates
“The key problem with my campaign is that I didn’t appear completely crazy,” said Republican Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman at a press conference yesterday. The former Governor of Utah and ambassador to China rode a pink unicorn on stage and had painted his face in a sickly combination of black and white to resemble a zombie.
“Newt, Perry, Bachmann – they all seem poised to demolish civilization as we know it and send the world into a never-ending nuclear holocaust with their awe-inspiring levels of stupidity and insanity,” said Huntsman. “That’s why they were so far ahead of me in the polls.”
Reports surfaced earlier this week that Huntsman had embarked on a new campaign strategy in an effort to boost his popularity. Huntsman has been trailing throughout the campaign season, with support rarely higher than 1% among Republican voters.
“I’ve settled on a new slogan for my campaign: I was born this way,” continued Huntsman. “And when I say that, I mean that I was born a straight Christian, of course.”
“Here I was with positions that actually sounded halfway reasonable. For God’s sake, I actually said that I believed the entire scientific community about global warming. So I scratched my head,” said Huntsman, who scratched his head to reveal that it had been shaved and painted to resemble an exposed brain, “and I thought, why am I losing so badly? Then I realized the problem – I appeared remotely sane. So I dropped all the substance from my campaign and turned to Lady Gaga.”
At this point, Huntsman threw open his tuxedo, revealing a red-leather nun outfit underneath. Donning a white cornette, Huntsman performed an elaborate dance across the stage, using the podium as a pole and repeating “Rah rah ah-ah-ah/Gaga oh-la-la!”
The response was mixed. “I’m still supporting Gingrich,” said one Republican voter. “It all seems like a stunt. I don’t buy that Huntsman is actually this crazy. Newt, on the other hand – he’s genuinely an opportunistic, egotistic, sociopathic moron.”
“Dancing zombie nun or not,” said another voter, “I’m still for Rick Perry. Of course his ideas are ludicrous, but I can hardly believe that he’s even sober half the time he’s talking.”
“I’m still voting for us,” said Rick Perry.
But Huntsman’s poll numbers have risen dramatically. “Just remember, don’t be a drag – just be a queen,” said Huntsman at the end of the conference. “Honestly, I have absolutely no idea what that means,” he added.
A music video of Huntsman’s dance routine has already reached eighty million views on Youtube. The success of the strategy has inspired other candidates – early reports indicate that Mitt Romney will soon be releasing a video cover of “Sexy and I Know It”.
Student Health Center to Unveil “Miracle Drug”
On January 9th, Vanderbilt’s Zefross Student Health Center announced their plans to unveil, and start treating eligible students with, what they call a “miracle drug” by the name of Amoxicillin.
This drug, labeled as an “anti-biotic” by the medical community, is a pioneer of a new wave of infection-fighting medicines. One of its core components is recently discovered “Penicillin,” which has shown to be effective in combating illness.
Just over a year ago, I reported on Zerfoss’ then-looming sponsorship by the big-time medical giant, Mucinex. This merger never came to fruition, however, as Mucinex executives and medical staff at the Zerfoss SHC (supported by other global researchers in the field) determined that Mucinex, according to one medical journal, “Did absolutely nothing.”
Zerfoss broke up the would-be partnership with a twinge of embarrassment. Chief of Staff, Jack Jackson, released a statement at the time saying, “Hindsight being 20-20, we at Zerfoss realize that our overwhelming faith in a medicine with the sole purpose of clearing congestion, an effect one can find in numerous other drugs that also have other benefits, was misplaced. We vow to vastly improve our medical treatment to students and the Vanderbilt community at large.”
Students may still receive Mucinex for various symptoms such as stomach aches and sprained ankles, but the doctors at the Health Center are now assaulting the serious illnesses with Amoxicillin. Maladies such as sinus infections now have an enemy in this drug, as it actually has the potential to kill off bacteria.
“This announcement pleased me,” stated local Nashville doctor George Castle M.D. “It’s nice to see Vanderbilt’s student care leap into the 20th century.”
Of course, there are mixed opinions about the touted “miracle drug.” Doctor Garcia, from the medical journal MedNowNotLater, criticized Amoxicillin saying, “It may fend off infections, but then again, it may not. The problem with Amoxicillin is that it is a very weak drug, and there is absolutely no reason to prescribe it if a doctor knows the specific issues of a patient.”
Nevertheless, the staff at Zerfoss are excited. “We now treat with real medicine,” said Nurse Pride. “Even though there is a 60% chance or higher the Amoxicillin won’t rid your infection, it will make you feel better for its 3/day for ten days course before your relapse and return.”
Ron Paul Calls for Heightened Apathy Toward Iowa in the Next Four Years
In a recent press conference, Republican presidential nominee hopeful Ron Paul called for Americans to pay even less attention to Iowa than it usually does between presidential primaries over the next four years.
Paul placed third in the caucus, four thousand votes behind Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney. Paul says that because of the negligible margin by which Santorum won, America should go above and beyond its usual apathy toward Iowa these next four years.
“This is what happens when you let some ass-backwards Midwestern state full of salt-of-the-earth heartland farmers have this kind of influence on the political scene of the most advanced nation in the world,” Paul said.
“I didn’t know that it was possible to care less about Iowa than I did before this primary, but my interest in it has hit a new low.”
According to Paul, America cares about Iowa once every four years, during the Caucus. The time in between is characterized by general apathy towards the state, a few jokes at its expense, and large percentages of the population forgetting that it’s there.
“To be honest, I didn’t even really give a damn about Iowa during the primaries,” Paul said. “I don’t think I can even point to them on a map. I just pretended to care because for some reason this one practically worthless state has a disproportional influence on the whole nation.”
Political experts agree with Paul.
“Add this year’s Caucus to the list of reasons why nobody cares about Iowa,” said CNN analyst Bob Kelly. “They have exactly two jobs in this country. One is to grow corn, which the rest of the Midwest can do just fine without them. Two is to figure out who the frontrunner is in the primaries, and those hicks blew that. I foresee the nation heeding Paul’s call to ignore Iowa more than usual because, well, screw those guys.”
Kelly says that he is disappointed that Iowa wasted so much national time and energy and was still too worthless to pick a clear Republican frontrunner.
“It’s not a hard job,” Kelly said. “A margin of two percent would be enough! Hell, we’d take half a percent. But eight damn votes? People have been voted off the island in Survivor by wider margins than that.”
President Obama agrees with Paul’s call for heightened ignorance and apathy.
“The fact that they chose some crazy homophobe and the Mormon without a personality just proves that Iowa’s the kind of state that shouldn’t have this kind of pull in the national political system,” Obama said. “And Romney’s tiny margin of victory proves that Iowa deserves even more indifference than we usually give it.”
The long-term future does look hopeful for Iowa, however.
“They’ll get another shot in four years,” said Kelly. “When the next round of primaries get started, we’ll have to care about them again. Who knows? If they play that one the right way, the nation might forgive Iowa and go back to its usual level of indifference about the state.”
ABC’s The Bachelor is Content to Let True Love Find Him
After sixteen seasons of being televised as the exemplars of genuine relationships and the models of chivalrous courting, the contestants on this season of ABC’s The Bachelor still inspire viewers to search repeatedly and boldly for true love on reality television. Yet, the bachelor for this season is content to let ABC’s hit romance series provide him with a house full of 25 beautifully-competitive women, all of whom want to shower him with small-screen attention and perhaps even meaningful companionship.
In previous renditions of the show, the leading bachelors have ranged from a US naval officer to a professional actor to a medical doctor to a literal Italian prince. This season’s leading man, Ben Flajnik (pronounced Flannick), is a return contestant who took second place on last season’s gender-flipped version of the series, The Bachelorette. Flajnik, a self-described Renaissance man who’s handy with a saw, had this to say about his first attempt for the gold ring at the love Olympics: “It was a good run, but I definitely should have trained more. I thought I could have won with just my looks and potential inheritance, but some women really do like conversations that go somewhere. [Long, contemplative pause.] But Ashley broke my heart when she chose that other guy over me atop that ridge beside the Mendocino coast. And my long, wind-blown hair was looking so good that day, too.”
Regardless of the natural rate of recovery, when the show’s producer Mike Fleiss presented Flajnik with the prospect of redeeming his public sympathy for a second chance at televised love, Flajnik immediately pounced on the opportunity to turn the tables and have the women vying for his attention. “This really is more my style, and it makes it easier for me to find my soul mate while nodding, giggling, and saying acquiescing, self-evident statements a lot. I really am just another shy, quiet, son of a California winery millionaire. Just like everybody else,” said Flajnik. When reporters asked him about his rapid recovery from last season’s heartbreak, Flajnik just gave the reliable smile-and-nod, and they instantly understood.
When they asked the man behind the camera about his growing trend of picking the runners-up from the previous seasons to headline future ones, straight-talking producer Fleiss extolled the benefits of shifting last year’s rejected contestant into the headliner role: “He comes with his own built-in demographic of aging, husband-hungry women who watched him lose last season.” The producer, like this season’s bachelor, likes to keep things easy.
After seeing so many other, regular people like Flajnik fall madly in love on TV over the past decade, millions of viewers have been convinced of the realistic prospects and promises of celluloid love. Carrie-Ann Saunders, a committed viewer from Denver and a single mother of two, volunteered her opinion on the comments section of ABC.com’s website devoted to the series. “Ben is so dreamy. I wanna run my hands all through that blasé bachelor’s hair. And I just absolutely love how the dates he sets up are sooooo romantic and affordible. Thanks to The Bachelor, I now know what to expect out of a REAL man. The next guy that wants to seriously impress me on a date better go out of his way to fly me to Venice for a dreamy gondola ride at twilight.”
This season’s premiere episode aired on January 2nd and showcased all 25 of those girl-next-door-beautiful women along with their creative attempts to catch Flajnik’s eye and make a memorable first impression. One thin, blonde contestant rode a horse up the driveway for the initial meet-and-greet. A second busty, blonde contestant brought her grandmother along to show her respect for family values. A third curvaceous, blonde contestant who claimed to have “a little gangster” in her even went as far as to rap a homemade verse for Flajnik. The bachelor, all the while, reclined with a gin and tonic in hand and let the show come to him. By the end of the night, those 3 contestants had all received roses and advanced into the next round of the competition.
Enthralling viewers with a teaser at the end of the two-hour premiere, ABC showed some highlights from the upcoming season. Selecting edited clips from the entirety of the filmed season, producer Fleiss put forth four straight minutes of multiple, attractive, more timid women holding large glasses of red wine and emotionally crying through their mascara while other multiple, attractive, more bold women were lost in deep, passionate kisses they had initiated with Flajnik amid various exclusive, picturesque landscapes.
“Dear Leader Kim Jong Il has gone on indefinite vacation to beautiful farm upstate,” says North Korean press release.
Last Saturday, the 17th, The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea was rocked by the announcement that Kim Jong Il had retired from his position as the country’s Supreme Leader to reside on a large farm “somewhere up north, northwest-ish.”
“Too far for visit,” the press release stated multiple times.
North Korean Secretary General of Truths and Happiness, Kwak Tai-Hee, spoke the next day to comfort the disheartened North Korean people: “It is true that our Dear Leader has gone up north for forever. But there is no reason to despair. He is in a very beautiful place where he will be very, very happy.”
“This farm,” the Secretary General assured, “has big rolling hills and lots of other dictators to play with and large trees under which he can spend his days. You remember how much Supreme Leader Kim Jong Il used to love to battle the demons of capitalism in the shade of that great big oak in Pyongyang, now don’t you?”
Vice Admiral of the People’s People Army of the Everlasting Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, Hoi Man-lee, also offered words of encouragement to his grief stricken people, “Although Dear Leader is living up North, he is not truly gone. He’ll still be looking down on you and watching you, always. Watching everything you do. Everything.”
The state has unsuccessfully attempted to soothe the mourning populace, but neither promises of the new Call of Duty game or a nationwide trip for ice cream have managed to bring the dictator back.
The retirement of such an eminent leader has, predictably, created a power vacuum and left uncertainty as to whom will succeed Il. The country is largely divided on who will be Kim’s replacement. Possibilities include Il’s son, Kim Jong Un, prominent arrmy commander, Hwang Kyou-Chull, or a gerbil. Still others have called for democracy in North Korea, stating that having a dictator is “just too much work.”
