God on Reading the Whole Bible

February 12, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Hi all! It’s me, God. The guy you all worship. I’m very excited to have this chance to talk to you, my loyal Christians.
First I’d like to clear up a few questions that you humans just can’t seem to stop asking: I, God, am a man. I always have been and I always will be. I have a penis, and it is magnificent. Also, Christianity is right. That’s the right religion. I don’t understand why anybody bothers with any others. Judaism I can kinda understand because they were right for centuries, but Eastern Religions? What is that? I never made a four armed anything, so you know Vishnu is just made up.
Alright, now that we have that out of the way, I’d like to start off my opinion section by reminding you folks of a little book that I published a few years back. You may have read it, it’s called “The Freaking Bible.”
Now I know that you, my Christian followers, are doing your best to obey all the teachings of the Bible. But it seems to me that over the last few years some key passages of the Bible have fallen out of the common vernacular. I’d like to begin my writing today by reminding you of a few of these passages, along with some common sense advice for how to obey them.

1) “Slaves, be subject to your masters with all reverence, not only to those who are good and equitable but also to those who are perverse.” (1 Peter 2:18)

Alright, this one is kinda jam packed but don’t worry, I’ll break it down for you. First of all, I have no problem with slavery. At all. As a matter of fact, I’m a fan. I mean why would I have created people if I didn’t want you guys to own each other? Furthermore, I don’t understand why slavery ever stopped being a thing. I made it very clear here that slaves are supposed to be obedient, even if they think their masters are wrong.

2) “Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord.” (Ephesians 5:22)

I’ll fully explain my feelings on women in a different story here, so for now I’ll just talk about marriage. A lot of folks out there view marriage as a partnership where man and wife join together as one to face the daily travails of their lives. Those people are wrong. It’s not a partnership. The man is in charge and the woman is there to serve him, much like a computer or a telephone.

3) “If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter into life maimed, rather than having two hands, to go to hell.” (Mark 9:43)

This one, quite frankly, I’m shocked that I have to explain it. How much clearer could I have been? When you sin with some part of your body, cut that part off so you won’t do it again. I’ve been watching men for years and almost all of you should be singing castrato right now. What’s the hold up, guys? Chop, chop! (Literally)

These are just three of the Bible Verses that I know you guys haven’t been obeying. I don’t want to hear any excuses, now; I just want you to start obeying them as soon as possible.
Now I’m not stupid. I know that there are plenty of people out there who are going to see this article and try to tell you things like “The aim of the Bible is salvation. The Bible accomplishes this aim by imparting salvation truths. If the Bible contains any other manner of truth (like scientific, mathematical or historical truth) then that is nice, but not necessary. So there is no need for Christians to take every word of the Bible literally, only for them to use the Bible as a way of understanding the truth of salvation” Or maybe they’ll say “The Bible may have been inspired by God but it was certainly written by men so to truly understand the Bible one must take in to account the social, historical and political context in which it was written.”
Let me be clear though: people who say these things are wrong. They are wrong for the same reason that everything in the Bible is right: because I said so.

Filed Under: Advice, Articles, Opinion

God on Tim Tebow

February 5, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Tim Tebow can be a starting quarterback in the NFL. In fact, Tim can do anything he sets his mind to.
It is rare enough that I find such devotion as his in any of my children, much less among professional athletes.
But Tim is special; anyone who has watched him pray knows this. It was my Divine Will that he should lead his team to the Super Bowl and come away victorious.
I believe in free will for my people, however. It was Tim’s own choices that led to his eventual downfall this season. It was not I who told him to throw so many balls so poorly during his start against the Patriots, nor was it my hand that struck the ball from his when he fumbled the ball back to Tom Brady.
Obviously, I do take some matters into my own hands. For instance, Ben Roethlisberger is quite the sinner and scumbag. I did not want to grace him with another Super Bowl appearance. And in regard to the Saints, even if they were aptly named, there is no way in Hell I was going through another entire year of “Who ‘Dat.”
Many people seem to confuse “omniscient” and “perfect.” I am the former; not the latter. Tom Brady has never been the favorite of my children, and when he smote Tim’s playoff chances, I will admit that I lost my temper.
Yes, it was I who blew on Ahmad Bradshaw to make him fall into the endzone in the fourth quarter of the super bowl. I knew that, despite the talents Tom Brady was given by me, there would be no comeback for him in this game. You might say I did not have faith in him.
Tim was, and still is, my Chosen One. He will simply have to work more and pray harder in order to prove it next season. But, yes; Tim will come again.

Filed Under: Articles, Opinion, Sports

God on Rick Perry

February 4, 2012 By Leave a Comment

I remember when I first made a covenant with Rick Perry: I would raise Rick to the position of Texas governor, father of my chosen people (the Texans) and he would use this position to launch a campaign for the White House. There seems to be some confusion over the end of Rick’s campaign, so I would just like to take the opportunity to clarify: I called Rick to run for president, yes, and I called him to drop out of the race, as a test of faith.
I called Rick to run for President of the United States, telling him that he would lead My favorite nation from the bonds of slavery of Obama’s socialism. Rick said, “But LORD, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.” And sure enough, first debate, he goes and embarrasses himself like that. “And the uh……uh….” I was disappointed, but I’ve learned not to expect too much from the human race.
Rick’s campaign was a disaster from the start. I was waffling over whether or not to call Rick to run for president, but he really put me in an awkward position when he held that prayer rally in Houston. He clearly wanted Me to call him to the presidential race; he was already acting like a prophet. So I sent Gabriel to him in a dream one night, to tell him to run for president.
Rick was a sloppy speaker, but I couldn’t have someone speak for him like I did with Moses; the media would be all over that shit.
I never meant for Rick to win the Republican primary, much less become president. No, that would be disastrous. FYI, I never want any Republican to win the presidency, these days. They’re so uber-conservative. Jesus tells people to care for the poor, and what do they do? Cut funding for social programs, cut taxes on the super-rich. Why do you think I told Zaccheus to give all the money he swindled back to the people he had cheated?
I also called Rick to drop out of the presidential race. Like I said, it was never about putting him in the White House. No, it was a test of faith. I wanted to see Rick’s willingness to serve Me. Sure, his campaign was a letdown, but it was always going to be. The point is that Rick acted on his faith in Me, that he showed America that he was willing to obey Me and go wherever I send him.
In that sense, the campaign was a huge success, just because it happened. It was a test of Rick’s faith, and he passed.
Oh, and best of all, in my infinite wisdom, through Rick’s act of faith, Mr. Beaujangles, an adorable kitty at the pound, will not be put down. I told you, I work all things for the best.

Filed Under: Articles, Opinion

Women on God

February 2, 2012 By Leave a Comment

First of all, typical man thinking he’s some sort of omnipotent being. Who died and made you King of Heaven? All the women in the world got together for our monthly meeting to decide how to respond to that malarkey you call an opinion, and while many of us displayed impressive short hand and typist skills, I was eventually appointed to respond on behalf of women everywhere.
“God,” if that is in fact your real name, I have to take offense to your claim that the only time a woman should be heard is when she’s talking about football, or making you a sandwich (though, on that note, I find myself curious about what God’s favorite sandwich is. I’m going no mayo right now. Trying to watch my weight). Your text undermines the progress women have made in the past one hundred years, from Alice Paul to Hillary Clinton. The idea that all women talk about is shopping perpetuates a stereotype that feminists work hard to combat.
For example, I was doing lunch with my girl Trish last week (thanks for making her butt so big, by the way, it really makes me feel better about myself), and we were gabbing about the various injustices against women in the world, such as the fact that a beautiful, classy lady like Halle Berry had to go topless just to get an Oscar, or how annoying it is when you’re trying to buy a pair of black strappy sandals, and they only have brown strappy sandals, because, come on, brown is so much harder to pair with an outfit than black, because black is so universal, therefore I absolutely love black clothing because it is slimming and elegant; except I was watching the State of the Union address (go ahead and be shocked about the woman who knows about poltics) and they cut to Michelle Obama and she was wearing this amazing sort of blue satin number from Barbara Tfank’s spring resort collection, which as I told you the other day, was really impressive because she managed to mix summer fabrics with winter colors, which is perfect for the kind of weather we’ve been having here lately.
Obviously, men should be expected to listen more. God, I feel like all you ever want out of this relationship is one thing, and I just can’t accept your son as my lord and savior every night. A girl needs her rest. I think if you really listened, you would find that we can be just as critical as you are about other women. You jumped right from your creation of Eve all the way to Helen Keller? There are plenty of worse models that could be mentioned in between. Joan of Arc? Butch Complainer. Helen of Troy? International Slut. Emily Dickinson? Undersexed Slag.
Finally, I just want to say “thanks.” Thanks for the blame for the eternal downfall of man. Thanks for the Salem Witch Trials. Thanks for forced illiteracy. Thanks for sororities. Thanks for the textile industry.
And thanks for rape. It’s all awesome. Oh, and God, I’ve met Mila Kunis. Don’t be so proud of yourself. Up close she’s like a 6.

Filed Under: Articles, Opinion

God on Women

February 1, 2012 By Leave a Comment

I’d like to send my sincerest of apologies to my fellow men about the creation of women. When I rolled the original woman off the presses and sent her down to Earth it was really to give my greatest creation, Adam, someone to make him a sandwich and on occasion praise him for all his amazing masculine traits.
But like all prototypes, we had some issues in beta testing. Eve started talking, which was alright whenever she was just talking to Adam about important things like football or what he wanted for dinner. But then, as you all know, she talked to the snake and everything went south from there.
To fix this I sent down an updated model of women: Hellen Keller. I predicted she would be every man’s dream woman. She couldn’t speak (‘nuff said), she couldn’t see (so you wouldn’t have to worry about your looks), and she couldn’t hear (so you could easily sneak up on her). But of course she became the butt of every joke and market research showed that most men found doing her to be just wrong.
After Hellen, I took what went wrong with the first two prototypes and created Pamela Anderson. She was to be the greatest of my creations (below Adam of course). She would able to speak and hear just like Eve, but her body would be so distracting that whatever she talked about would be hogwash for any man that approached her. She would also exist solely to make men everywhere feel pleasure. But, once again, this prototype had some issues upon introduction to the population. Her popularity became too much for most men to handle and the spread of STD’s started to make people worry (my bad). So I had to scrap the ‘model’ model.
So there you have it, the Earth is now being roamed by Eves who will not stop talking about anything that creeps up in their minds. We have the Helen Kellers, although not all mute, messing with the natural order of things and starting ridiculous movements. Last I heard they were calling it the feminist movement and they were going to try to bring women rights, encourage people to actually attend women’s sporting events, and generally upset the natural order of things.
Speaking of feminists, here’s a joke I created: How many of these feminists will it take to change a light bulb? Answer: None; feminists can’t change anything!
There are now lots of “Anderson” model women running around. I understand they are fun to play with, but they have significantly frightened the male population with their spreading of these STDs (again my bad, glitches happen!).
Because of these issues with all three models I am now recalling all women and will go back to the drawing board. I notice that Mila Kunis has become increasing popular among the gentlemen of the earth. I’ll see what I can do about producing some more of her!

Filed Under: Articles, Culture, Opinion

God on The Pope’s Hat

January 30, 2012 By Leave a Comment

This is pretty awkward, and I feel bad about publishing this in The Slant instead of visiting you in person, Benedict, but I never meant for the whole “pope hat” thing to take off. I only gave the idea to some really really short guy who wanted to be pope in the middle ages, so people would pay attention to him.
It looked pretty good—back in the days when it was acceptable to wear fox pelts and silk on your head. Here was some guy, acting literally holier than thou, and he had a clean, tall, white hat to wear, so you’d better listen up! And it worked. Too well.
It has just gotten out of hand today, with the tall-ass Abraham-Lincoln-stove-pipe-hat-inspired thing that sits on your head. A few inches of pope hat would be all you need to look smashing with the rest of your wardrobe, don’t you think?
I was kind of going for a bit of a joke, anyway. That’s why I modeled the pope hat after the bishop piece from chess—a bit of church hierarchy irony, get it? Hah, hah. I’m sorry to let you know like this, I really am. I just had a feeling if I told you the news directly, you wouldn’t pass it on to the world, and you’d keep wearing that God-damned hat. This way, I can tell not only you, but all the cardinals and bishops too that they should tone it down a little bit. People might take us a bit more seriously about the abortion thing if we didn’t look like such try-hards.
Just tone it down a little, ok, Ben? For me.
Xoxo,
God.

Filed Under: Articles, Culture, Opinion

Student Frustrated by Inability to Find The Rant on New InsideVandy Site, No Outlet To Vent Frustration

January 13, 2012 By

Junior Cameron MacDowell became incredibly frustrated last Wednesday when he found himself unable to vent his frustration in InsideVandy’s anonymous commentary feature, known as “The Rant,” frustrating him even further.

MacDowell, who was incredibly irritated by the perpetually long lines at the package pickup window, wished to express his unhappiness in a public yet anonymous way, thinking it would make him less frustrated that he was unable to pick up his package before class.

However, according to MacDowell, the new updates to the InsideVandy website made “The Rant” impossible to find.

“I was already pretty pissed about the package pickup window,” MacDowell said. “When I couldn’t find ‘The Rant’ to vent about it, I got really pissed and wanted to complain about it, but I couldn’t!”

MacDowell said that, while he appreciated the irony of the situation, he really just wanted to complain.
“I know that complaining about the package window line always being absurdly long won’t make the line any shorter,” MacDowell said. “And I know that posting a rant about ‘The Rant’ being gone won’t make it come back, but I really think I’d feel better if I had an outlet to vent my frustration.”

MacDowell said he did consider venting in other media but ultimately decided that “The Rant” was the only suitable outlet for his anger.

“I thought about posting on my Facebook about it,” MacDowell said. “But then people would complain about the long line, and I don’t want to listen to them bitch about it. And the PCC is so far away that I would probably want to rant about the distance if I went there and that would just make things even worse.”

MacDowell said that he hopes “The Rant” is not permanently gone, but says that he is not sure what happened to it.
“Honestly, I have no idea if it’s still a thing or not,” MacDowell said.
“If it’s not gone, then they’ve hidden it really well, and that’s something I’d like to rant about. If it is gone, they just took it away without warning, and I wasted thirty minutes looking for something that wasn’t there, and I’d like to rant about that too.”

Filed Under: Articles, News, Opinion

My First Black Friday

November 26, 2011 By

Coming to Vanderbilt from a small town in the middle of Idaho, I’ve always been astonished to learn about the vast melting pot of cultures in America. Hearing about all of their wonderful celebrations over the past few years has really just been the icing on the cake during my college experience. This year, for example, I learned about a brand new holiday tradition called “Black Friday,” and boy was it interesting.
Now, I know we give African-Americans a whole month of recognition in February, but I think it’s super that we’ve given them a whole extra day at the end of the year. It kind of makes up for the fact that February is the shortest month, or at least that’s what I’m thinking it’s for. Either way, I wanted to celebrate Black Friday in the traditional manner, so, of course, my morning started off in a Wal-Mart parking lot.
Apparently, it is customary on Black Fridays to camp out in front of stores, and that’s just what I did. No one would answer my questions, but I’m assuming everyone was re-enacting what it must have been like to camp out during the slaves’ travels along the Underground Railroad. It seemed a little backwards thinking at first, but it was overall a very humbling experience.
After waiting for hours, the doors finally opened and the revelers flooded into the store. It seems customary that you travel from one store to another and the patrons sell you things for really cheap. Now I know you might be thinking this is some type of reciprocity, and I thought that too, but then I realized they were giving the sale prices to everyone, so I’m still not really sure what that had to do with black history. I did get a good deal on a Nook, though.
I would have to say that the highlight of my Black Friday, however, took place in the women’s section of our local Old Navy. I was allowed the distinct privilege of viewing an ancient, African ritual in which young women display their social status by wrestling over 75%-off tube tops and velour tracksuits. Maybe next year I will be brave enough to join in the ritual, but to be honest, it seems like more fun to just watch. I don’t like getting my hair pulled.
Overall, I’m glad I was able to celebrate Black Friday this year. I can whole-heartedly say that it is the one day during the holiday season when we can put aside our greedy, materialistic ways and truly honor one of America’s great cultural groups.

Filed Under: Articles, Culture, Opinion, Uncategorized

We are the Top 1 Percent

November 24, 2011 By

What’s the deal with all this anger toward the top 1 percent?
As far back as I can remember, I’ve been in the top 1 percent of everything I’ve ever done. You name it: IQ tests, grades, books read over the summer, bike accidents, doctors visits, Chinese checkers, hats, resume padding. I took the most AP classes of anyone in my school, ever. Then I even received a fat scholarship from one of the best universities in the world.
Sound anything like your story? Show some support for the top 1 percent!
As part of an elite, hardworking class of individuals at a genius-level university, everyone here can become whatever they want. You may become a doctor without borders, a CEO of a Fortune 500 company, or a world-renowned economist.
Incredible?! I know!
Recently, however, the top 1 percent has caught a lot of flack concerning its efforts. While I will admit that there are a few of us who make billions from the military-industrial complex, there are many more of us who are making a considerable difference to this world. Ever heard of Vincent Van Gogh? Top 1 percenter through and through, and it’s people like him, people like us, who are providing for this world.
Admittedly, I did have a few perks while growing up, but that wasn’t the reason I got into such a great school. My panther didn’t help my admissions process at all, so don’t even try to bring Peaches into this. And how many people got accepted because they had a Range Rover? I don’t think that was even on my application. Did my personal chef cook a fabulous meal for Chancellor Zeppos? I wouldn’t call it fabulous, I mean, it was alright, but that was just to get my name out there, not a bribe or anything. That’s just unscrupulous.
Hardships and hard work were not lost on me, either. Once, I had to drive a rental Lexus to school after I rolled my second Mercedes. A rental! Can you even imagine the embarrassment? Another time, I needed pocket change for a trip through Europe, and my Dad told me I had to earn it myself. Ridiculous. Do you know how much a 2.5 GPA is worth to that man? Barely enough to swing that last ski resort in Switzerland.
Let me give you the rundown on these 99 percenters. They didn’t work hard enough in school, so now that they’ve realized what they’ve done to themselves, they want the products of our labors. Sorry, 99, I already gave 25% of my paycheck for your schooling, and I’ve seen what you’ve done with that.
As 1 percenters, we need to stick together and stop being guilt-tripped into thinking we’re privileged. We’re not. This is America, and the best thing about this country is that we all start out on a level playing field. Nothing bad happens to good, hardworking people. Fact.
True, it would be wonderful if most people worked as hard as we do, but, for some reason, those 99 percenters can’t reach the top 1 percent like we have. They might make the top 25 if they would only stop protesting and start studying.
Then again, I’ve been studying my whole life, and it doesn’t matter that I never had to work a job during high school to help pay my family’s rent, or that my parents are both living; where we are now represents all our efforts and no less. So next time you see an Occupy protester, tell them to crack a book instead of our economy.

Filed Under: Articles, Culture, Opinion

Keith Stone Doesn’t Know Who You Are

November 12, 2011 By

Dear readers,
I wanted to apologize for not writing an article in the last Slant issue. I was blacked out all last month and don’t recall much of what I did. I’ve heard some stories about what happened and to say the least I am very impressed with myself. Who knew a person’s head could take so much abuse? If anyone could shed some light on the rest of my life last month it would be much appreciated.
Anyways I accidentally went to class on Wednesday and on my way there I heard people in front of me talking about Greek life on campus. I got really excited and was about to join in on their conversation when one of them said that they hated all the frat guys and the whole frat scene. I was taken aback because who doesn’t love the frat scene here? Honestly I don’t know who you are. I thought the other would reject that statement but then the other person responded that they hated the frats too because we are so exclusive and hate intellectuals. I was like who are these people? Seriously I have no idea who these people are. They are talking about my friends and me but I don’t think I have ever seen them in my life. I thought that maybe these were rushes that had been cut at another frat but when I asked everyone else they said that they had never seen them either.
My first thought was that this was just an anomaly but then as I continued walking to class I heard more people talking about the frats and how exclusive and judgmental we are. I was like excuse me, you are the ones that are being judgmental and better question who the fuck are all these people. Apparently we have an outbreak of people on campus who don’t have lives or collared shirts both of which are huge character flaws. I’ve never even heard of you, let alone met you. I have absolutely no idea who you are or where you came from all I know is that you seem like you need to have a beer and lighten up. Honestly who the fuck talks about a group of people that have no impact on their lives, I guess they do, but I’m still not sure who they are. Sitting around bitching about a group of people that have absolutely no idea who you are instead of being productive just sounds like a shitty time. Who the fuck does that? Anyone know, cause I don’t know? Honestly we are having way too much fun partying, having fun, and being awesome to care what you think about us. Instead of bitching about us maybe you should take a look at yourselves, whoever you are.
I don’t know if you know this, or for that matter if you know anything because until a few days ago I did not know of your existence, but the fact that I don’t know who you are means you are doing shit with your life. I pretty much know everyone that is important on campus because if you know me then you automatically become important. Other people will know you at least as my friend, which is more than they know about you right now. I’ve had enough drunken wanderings on campus that at this point if I don’t know who you are you literally have no life. If you did I would have met you. Not only does the fact I don’t know you mean you suck but it also means you’re a worthless dick hole who will die sad and lonely knowing you could have been one of the greats or at least someone that met me. Which in most places can be used on a resume.
Because who the fuck are y’all? We the Fucking best.

Filed Under: Advice, Articles, Opinion
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