The cookie baroness, Mrs. Fields, has filed for divorce from her husband of 10 years. She was unavailable for comment, but her lawyer made a statement, saying, “Mrs. Fields is a victim of years of indiscretion from her husband and is merely looking to finally put all this to rest and move on with her life.”
This celebrity split should come as no surprise to anyone familiar with the recent headlines filled with rocky details of the couple’s troubled marriage. Mr. Fields, more widely known as fizzled out rap metal frontman of Limp Bizkit, Fred Durst, has been slightly more proactive in the divorce proceedings.
Mr. Durst has foregone the usual legal representation in order to afford a team of private investigators to infiltrate the Mrs. Fields operation in an attempt to uncover any skeletons in the closet. This snooping has lead to some startling discoveries.
We here at The Slant had the fortune of being contacted by one of these P.I.s, who had some revealing information about the business model behind the seemingly harmless individually packed treats. According to the P.I. (who has requested we don’t publish his real name), several company bank loan statements show that Mrs. Fields only became interested in the cookie industry after she became aware of her husband’s first indiscretion with another woman.
Several email exchanges to her director of marketing also make apparent her desire for the company to focus on targeting “pretty young girls.”
After we contacted Mrs. Fields with the intent to get her to confirm or deny such claims, she promptly responded in the affirmative, saying, “My husband is going to have a hard time finding any other whores who aren’t super obese when we unveil our dark chocolate cookies.”
She was of course referencing the dark chocolate craze that has misguided many young girls into thinking they’re guiltlessly indulging in a chocolatey treat when really they’re just overloading on body mass-inducing fat.
We immediately got in touch with Mr. Durst, who told us, “Well of course that psycho bitch is fattening you idiots up,” and claimed he knew all about it, saying, “why else would I write a song with lyrics like ‘I did it all for the nookie, so you can take that cookie and stick it up your ass?’ I write from the heart, and this was a little message for my overbearing, soon-to-be ex wife about my little escapades.”
In light of Mrs. Fields’ attempts to keep her husband tied down, Mr. Durst was unfazed, saying, “The joke’s on my wife. Who do you think I was running around with? Bingo: fat chicks. Who else is going to give the nookie to Durst?”
Feeling like the child of a divorced couple, we here at The Slant relayed this message to Mrs. Fields, who simply said, “You know that bastard’s ‘biskit’ wasn’t the only thing that was limp.”
The couple is set to be officially divorced sometime in April.

Beginning at midnight Eastern Standard Time on January 18, 2012, Wikipedia protested the SOPA and PIPA legislation currently in Congress by blacking out only the English-language version of its website for 24 hours. Within minutes of the digital lights going out, uni-lingual Americans took to the web in protest, blogging, tweeting, and reposting about Wikipedia’s blatant discrimination against all English-speakers.
As user EntitledAmerican on www.americancensorship.org eloquently posted, “Anyone else who spoke any language other than English still had complete access to all the open-source information he could ever want. It’s not my fault that English is the international language of commerce and everything else and that everyone wants to be like us. How am I supposed to start and complete my 30-page research paper the morning before it’s due without Wiki? Should I be punished because my language and country are the best? No, because Wikipedia is free and should be available always.”
Standing on the other side of the fence, Wikipedia repeatedly claimed that the blackout was only intended to bring the absurdity of SOPA and PIPA into the American public consciousness, assuming that addressing them in their own language would prove most effective. According to the Wikipedia page bearing the “SOPA Initiative” title – the site’s only page available in English during the blackout – “visitors were not able to read the encyclopedia, and instead saw messages about SOPA and PIPA, encouragement to contact their representatives, and links to share information on social media.” What Wikipedia did not expect, however, was the rampant backlash of prejudicial allegations from its user-community.
“Wikipedia hates English[-speaking] people!” blogged one user who went on to admit that she bought the 2010 hardback edition of the Encyclopedia Britannica off of Amazon for over $1,300 later on that afternoon in protest of Wikipedia’s protest.
“Wikipedia’s run by a bunch of Commies! We’ll all be forced to speak Mandarin or Russian by the end of the year,” said another level-headed blogger.
However, bi-lingual American citizens, registered internationals, and illegal immigrants alike were surprisingly silent about the whole issue. When pushed for a comment, Spanish doctoral candidate Alejandra Marquez tersely stated, “It was really no big deal for me. I just clicked on the Spanish version of Wikipedia and kept searching for resources for my doctoral thesis. What is this SOPA thing again? Did you mean to spell soap? It’s S-O-A-P, mi amigo.”
Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales, a dot-com-era mogul who first got his hands wet with a male-oriented web portal featuring adult entertainment and content, has fought the censorship beast before and concocted the whole website blackout idea. Said Wales, “Just tell them they can’t have it for a little while, and it only makes them come back wanting it even more, harder, and faster. I just decided to blackout the English-language version because I speak English. No other reason whatsoever.”
Within 72 hours of the 24-hour blackout, the Wikimedia Foundation received approximately $120 million in international donations, mostly from governmental donors in Russia and China.

New Tikal, Mayan Cloud, Heaven- Mass riots resulted in a government coup in the Mayan heaven last week after the predication for the complete destruction of the universe proved to be false. The so called “end of days” myth was heavily supported by the ruling party in the Mayan afterlife for their impressive three thousand year control over the Mayan people. While support for the majority party has been waning since their complete annihilation from the planet earth 1800 years ago, the failed prediction of the apocalypse seemed to be the last straw for the Mayan people.
“We were informed by the government we trusted to pay off our debts and settle our disputes and we listened,” one citizen explained. Many sold their businesses, were nicer to their neighbors, and reconnected with loved ones they didn’t really like out of guilt because of the government’s prediction.
“I finally told my wife I never loved her. I’d been holding it in for years. Now, well, it’s just awkward,” said another protestor of the displaced regime.
While many former officials managed to escape the coup unscathed and sought political asylum in neighboring ethereal societies, reporters caught up with the former Undersecretary of Sacrifices and Virgins, who quickly defended his government by stating: “To be fair, we predicted this incident hundreds of years ago. There’s no way we thought people would still believe this stuff in the 21st century.”
After almost a week of violence, the people have established a temporary democracy until the Mayan’s first public election is held sometime in the next two months. While many leaders of the movement against the former government have expressed interest in the position of the president, Manny “The Jaguar” Ortiz, a front man for the radical activity and current temporary President, is the most likely candidate.
“We are responding to a public cry for rationality. My campaign seeks to depart from the former government’s fear of progress, and will not support off-the-handle predictions not supported by the seventeen calendars of the Mayan people,” Ortiz said at a rally on Tuesday the 10th (or Friday the 32nd if you are using the Short Count Calendar).
Rationality and logic are two major platforms of the new government, which has led to massive support for the movement by the Mayan people. The new government has recruited the realm’s most progressive and advanced scientists and cosmologists to debunk the 2012 legend for good.
“It’s an old idea,” one scientist said. After initial data collection, the leaders of the new progressive party now support the new 3023 “End of Days” theory.
“3023? Yeah, that seems pretty far away,” one civilian said in support. Pretty far away, indeed. With the intensity of the last month, most citizens hope they will not have to face eminent destruction or political upheaval for at least one thousand years.
In other news, reports from the Aztec cloud of heaven have announced the arrival of visitors from Spain!

We at The Slant have been following the Republican primary very closely over the past few years. We’ve watched all 25 of the debates (so far) and have been both watching the polls of others and keeping track of our own statistics. Up until now our role in the campaign has been strictly observational. But we’ve decided to change all of that today by coming out and endorsing one of the candidates.
We had a tough time settling on which candidate deserved our support. We had to figure out which of the remaining rich white men best represented ourselves, our newspaper, and our student community. It took weeks of intense debate among Slant editors before we finally came to a decision.
The Slant is now prepared to officially endorse (drumroll please) Rick Santorum.
All of the candidates had different strong points, making it very difficult to pick just one. But then one of our editors decided that we would be remiss if we didn’t pick a candidate that addressed the concerns of our (sizable) LGBTQI readership.
Our first thought was “Great, we’ll just pick one of the openly gay candidates.” But we quickly learned that none of the candidates are openly gay. We all thought there was at least one, but it turns out that it was actually his wife who was running, not him. With no openly gay candidates, we had to take the next best thing. We chose a candidate who seems like he’s still in the closet.
And that’s what we’ve got here in Santorum. You know, folks, it’s one thing to be against gay marriage. Lots of people are. It’s another thing to be homophobic. But at a certain point a person reaches a level of homophobia so absurd that anyone who hears them speak about gay marriage just has to wonder, “How the hell did this guy learn so much about homosexuality?”
Sure, Mr. Santorum has lots of ideas for this country. He has an economic plan. He’s got a plan for health care and even ideas to reform social security. But for some reason he chooses to not talk about these issues all the time. Much like the great Harvey Milk (another gay political pioneer) Santorum has decided to make LGBTQI issues the hallmark of his campaign.
To say that Santorum talks a lot about homosexuality is a bit like saying water is damp. The man mentions gay sex in an astounding 43% of his public appearances. He really is the only candidate who gives LGBTQI issues the amount of attention they deserve.
As I mentioned earlier, a lot of our readers are gay. And among those people, many have spent some time in the closet. So I’m sure that lots of you can sympathize with Mr. Santorum. There are lots of people out there who will tell Mr. Santorum that being gay is wrong. (Including Rick Santorum himself) Well here is our chance to take a stand and say together, in one voice “It’s OK to be gay, and you can come out any time you want!”