At approximately 3:15 PM this past Thursday, marijuana was referenced during an English class taking place inside Buttrick Hall.
The reference was made by Marty Wiseman, an English professor who has been working at Vanderbilt for just under three years. The professor referenced marijuana while talking about his plans for the upcoming weekend, telling students, “I definitely plan on super-bowling at some point on Sunday.”
The reference was initially lost on most students in the class, and would have gone totally unnoticed were it not for the work of one intrepid student. Kyle O’Malley is a sophomore in the College of Arts and Science who is currently taking the class: “Nothing really stuck out to me about the comment initially. But there was something about the professor’s reaction that made me think I should look in to it. I hopped on to Urban Dictionary, and sure enough, I found that ‘bowling’ is a term frequently used to refer to the act of using marijuana.”
O’Malley’s suspicions were confirmed when he cross-referenced his own research with the first-hand knowledge of his good friend Jimmy “Bones” Azcona.
Bones said, “I think I’m the only stoner that O’Malley knows. He asked me what [bowling] was and I told him.”
The reference to marijuana had little to no effect on the rhythm of the class, but has changed the way that many view their English professor.
One student said, “I had been under the impression that [Professor} Wiseman was just some square old creep who could never connect with me on a personal level. But now that I know he smokes marijuana just like me, I think he’s cool. Who knows, I might even invite him to smoke some marijuana with me this weekend.”
But not all students are excited to have a pothead for a professor. Melinda Barker is a senior English major who says she was disgusted at the reference. “I mean, what’s next? Is he gonna come in to work high? What if he tries to teach high and as a result he gives us the wrong information about English Reformation Era literature?”
Marijuana Referenced
The Slant’s Guide to the Republican Primary
Here at The Slant, we’re extremely interested in the Republican Presidential Primary. Not because we’re informed, active citizens; it’s mostly because we think the Republicans are hilarious. So, here’s a rundown of the funniest parts of this year’s race for the Republican nomination.
Mitt Romney: A former governor of Massachusetts, Mitt Romney seems to be the frontrunner at this point in the race. The Slant likes Romney because he reminds us of our own Cornelius Vanderbilt: enormously wealthy. Romney made a fortune in management consulting and investment businesses before entering the political field, making him a true man of the (incredibly rich) people.
Romney does, however, has a questionable political past. He oversaw the implementation of statewide healthcare in Massachusetts , an outright socialist move. Everyone seems to know that he’s a Mormon, which we at The Slant think is hilarious. He’s also known as a flip-flopper, which is funny. Who walks around wearing flip flops during a political campaign?
Newt Gingrich: At The Slant, we fully endorse Gingrich’s “big head” platform. Furthermore, his name is Newt, which we’re assuming he changed it to as a joke. As far as human rights issues go, Newt is pro-divorce. We like Newt because pretty much every word out of his mouth is a joke. He plays it pretty blue sometimes, when he does his bit about how Mexicans “need to learn the language of prosperity.” All joking aside, though, we at The Slant think that Newt Gincgrich would make a fantastic president. Unless America gets cancer. He’s made it clear that cancer is a dealbreaker.
Ron Paul: The Texas representative is a perennial favorite with Slant political analysts. Like many comedians, he’s adopted a character bit that he does quite well- Delusional Old Man Who Somehow Thinks He’s Electable and Keeps Running for Office. Ron Paul has this great joke about wanting to “end the Fed,” which has inspired the Vanderbilt comedic student organization, the Vanderbilt Libertarians. Ron “Crazy Eyes” Paul is definitely the funniest candidate, so we here at The Slant endorse him wholeheartedly.
Rick Santorum: In a previous issue of The Slant, we gave an endorsement to Rick Santorum, because he’s the closest thing to an openly gay candidate in the race. After a failed re-election campaign for a Pennsylvania senate seat in 2006, Santorum has decided to run for president, which was a great start to his comedic career. Santorum’s best bit is his anti-human rights joke, where he acts like he’s vehemently opposing abortion and same-sex marriage. Santorum is known for taking jokes pretty far, which The Slant always supports. Santorum has defined his last name on Urban Dictionary as, “The sometimes frothy, usually slimy, amalgam of lubricant, stray fecal matter, and ejaculate that leaks out of the receiving partner’s anus after a session of anal intercourse.” Santorum has made some great jokes in his political career, but his comedy is all over the place, and needs some direction.
Herman Cain, Rick Perry, and Michelle Bachmann: Let’s not forget to talk about the candidates who just didn’t have the snuff to make it all the way through their campaigns. Just because they didn’t earn their party’s nomination doesn’t mean that they failed to provide us with plenty of laughs. What we love about these three is that they’re all like the character that a sitcom would bring in when they’re preparing to jump the shark in their fifth season. What’s that? You’re running out of situations for the two main characters? Well what if they had a new neighbor who’s a dorky black guy that owns a pizza company and who’ll fuck anything that moves. No? Well how about if we bring in a crazy lady who can’t focus her eyes right. No? Well how about an alcoholic cowboy from Texas? No matter which one you pick, you guarentee that you’ll be cancelled in a year.
Jesus Christ Dismissed From Christian Fraternity Due to Judaism
Vanderbilt’s BYX chapter has found itself embroiled in heated controversy over the recent expulsion of Jesus H. Christ, principal deity of the Christian faith. Christ has been an active member of BYX since 2010 AD, until this Thursday when the savior asked a brother whether the sausage bacon on the Groundhog’s Day burger was kosher. This, combined with his track record of missing Bible Bro-down on Friday nights, aroused suspicions that Jesus was, in fact, a Jew.
BYX member Chris Taylor told The Slant, “I like Jesus; he’s an alright guy. But you can’t have a Jew in a Christian frat. We can’t make that exception for anybody, not even if they have a really powerful Dad. I understand that he’s upset, but I’m sure he’ll forgive me.”
Christ has had difficulties with the fraternity in the past. Just last year, he was placed on probation for turning water to Manischewitz on multiple occasions: a clear violation of the fraternity’s no alcohol policy.
Jason Hoyt, executive director of BYX , commented on the matter in a press conference yesterday, stating, “Of course Jesus is great and all, but this is a matter of principle. If you let a non-Christian into a Christian fraternity, what’s to stop them from running for an office? Then you’d have a bunch of Christians following a Jew. That’s absurd.”
The controversy has reached far beyond the campus becoming an international point of contention in just a few days. Even Pope Benedict XVI has weighed in on the situation, telling reporters last Saturday, “As our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ once said, ‘for the one who is weak in faith, welcome him, but not to quarrel over opinions,’ which is precisely why our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ should not be welcomed into the Vanderbilt BYX chapter. With a Jew present, they’d be way too tempted to quarrel over opinions.”
Not all members of BYX believe Christ’s expulsion was the right decision, however. BYX President Peter Pilate opposed a disciplinary reaction, but under pressure from a majority of the brothers, was forced to terminate Christ’s membership. When The Slant contacted Pilate for a statement, he merely responded, “I wash my hands of this, bro.”
Christ’s fellow divine being and former coworker, Lucifer, told The Slant, “Look, I’m all for conflict and disunity among all you mortals, and I’ve never really been a huge fan of that Jesus guy; I’ll be the first to admit it. But doesn’t this seem a little ridiculous? The dude obviously cares about Christianity enough to spend six weeks cleaning the brothers’ choir robes and working at the house on Prayer Patrol. Hell, this just seems crazy to me. And that’s coming from the guy who flogs heretics with their own small intestines for a living.”
Christ has not let the controversy sour his views on Greek life, however, and reports that he has plans to rush ZBT next semester.
Coach Franklin Recruited to Coach Other Stuff on Campus Too
After one of the most successful football seasons recent history, Vanderbilt is seeking to increase the role of Coach James Franklin.
The university, looking to improve various teams on campus, has been courting Franklin primarily to coach Men’s Basketball, Women’s Swimming, and the student workers who operate the omelet stations at Rand Brunch.
Two years in a row now, Vanderbilt’s Men’s Basketball team has stirred up quite a bit of hype, only to lose to a lower-seeded team in the first round of the March tourney. While many students claim this trend is a “typical Vanderbilt athletic performance,” the administration has admitted disappointment and a desire to improve.
“At many universities, the goal of sporting events is to win,” reported Vanderbilt athletic director, Lance Legstrong. “We want to become one of those universities, and Coach Franklin appears to be the best hope to create a winning tradition.”
It seems the university’s motivations in regards to the Women’s Swim team are similar. Apparently, at the most recent swim meet, attendance dropped from its normal seven fans down to three, with seemingly no explanation. “If we could get more people to attend these meets, we might be able to afford to build a real pool on campus to make the program more attractive to prospective athletes,” claimed Legstrong. “I assume the location is the problem, at least. I have not actually attended a meet to confirm this.”
The issues surrounding the omelet operators, however, are entirely different and much more severe. When searching for commentators on the growing catastrophe, initial attempts proved futile. Finally, one student, who requested to remain anonymous, was found hunched over a toilet. “It’s not even food poisoning,” he said. “It just tasted fucking awful.”
Preliminary examinations appear that student workers with absolutely no knowledge about what an omelet is, much less how to make one, were hired this semester. While hopes for a full turn around are slim, Legstrong and the rest of the community hope that Franklin can at least create a winning mindset and turn the program around, as he did with the football team.
Franklin has yet to release his answer, but is expected to do so in charismatic fashion so that people can post his video repeatedly on Facebook.
Slant Writer Exposes Unfair Working Conditions of Slant Writers
This past production cycle, a Slant writer went undercover to expose the poor working conditions of the Slant staff. What he found was shocking: long hours, forced funniness, and unfair treatment for the small staff of humorists who work for the publication. One brave writer spoke up to end the oppression.
“This one time, Dan [King, Editor-in-Chief of The Slant] locked us in the production room and wouldn’t let us leave until we had all submitted a draft of a story,” said Slant writer Sam Mallick. “It was torture. We had no food. No water. And then nobody would give me quotes for this story because they were afraid of being choked with barbed wire, so I had to quote myself.”
Sam’s story is like that of so many oppressed Slant writers. Many of them claim to have been starved until they produced stories for the next issue of The Slant, including another writer who wishes to remain anonymous but for the purposes of this article will be called ‘Sam M.’
“He told us we couldn’t leave to get food,” Sam M. said. “We were all so hungry, but that didn’t matter to Dan. We had to work until we nearly passed out. When he caught me trying to order a pizza online, he picked up the computer and beat me with it.”
Our undercover reporter was even more shocked when King began rejecting stories because they were not funny enough. Another writer came forward to tell his shocking tale.
“I turned in a draft of my story,” said Slant writer S. T. Mallick. “I thought it was some of my best work, and that’s saying something because I’m really funny. And then Dan took the paper I turned it in on, used it to give me paper cuts, and then threw salt on me.”
Our reporter’s findings got even more disturbing. All Slant writers are required to attend compulsory production sessions, where they are forced to Photoshop images and proofread stories for hours on end.
Another staff member, S. Mallick, whose eyes had nearly dried out from hours of proofreading and forced dehydration, came forward to tell his horrifying tale.
“When I didn’t find enough errors in a story I was proofreading, Dan literally stapled my left hand to the table,” S. Mallick said. “When I still didn’t find enough, he duct-taped my eyelids open.”
One very brave, exceedingly handsome, not to mention single, writer, Samuel Mallick, tried to escape from the production session. King put all of Sarratt on lockdown and released his pack of German Shepherds to catch Mallick.
“When the dogs got me, Dan brought me back to the production room and said he was going to make an example of me,” Mallick said. “He made me stand on hot coals and then he pistol-whipped me in front of the whole staff.”
“It was the most horribly disturbing thing I’ve ever seen,” said an onlooker who wishes to remain anonymous and will simply be referred to as S.M. “I was terrified. I’m just glad somebody is courageous enough to expose this cruelty.”
Our undercover reporter said that he plans to continue exposing the abysmal working conditions of the underappreciated Slant writers until something’s done. He hopes that he can inspire the student body to speak out against this cruelty and take a stand on behalf of the Slant staff members.
Worshipers of Evil GOZTA Use Pink Ribbons to Summon Evil Archedemon
Does your day go by without egregious pestilence, warfare, famine, and death? Well that’s about to change, now that a bunch of sorority girl wannabes have summoned the foul demon overlord Gozta, to campus.
Worshipers of Gozta have been appearing around campus lately, making known their usually underground presence at high-traffic areas, such as Rand lunch, in an effort to recruit the necessary additional acolytes for the summoning of Gozta. Handing out the symbol of Gozta—a bright pink ribbon—and tricking girls with their innocuous smiles, these succubi have successfully filled their ranks with the numbers they need for their blood rituals. They target women who didn’t make it into any sororities, counting on their low self-esteem and desire to exact revenge on the rest of campus.
The final step in this cult’s summoning ritual involved coating trees around Alumni Lawn and other parts of main campus with pink ribbons with a written invocation of Gozta’s name on them. An aerial view of these ribbons would reveal that they make the shape of a pentagram.
Preceded by the intense lightning storms which wracked campus for several days, Gozta emerged from his sulfurous prison below the earth’s crust and into the Marriott hotel on the evening of February 2nd.
While it may seem curious to an outsider why these women would want to subject themselves and the rest of campus to Gozta’s fiery rule, cultists assure us of their firm belief in his supreme righteousness. One follower spoke to us regarding her convictions:
“Yeah, I, like, got cut from all the sororities during rush. I cried for days, but then the cult of Gozta appeared and offered me a place to fit in. They accepted me for who I am. And if part of that belonging means slashing my hand and using my blood to summon a demon, like, get over it!”
Asked why she wanted to bring death and destruction to campus, she said, “I don’t need, like, a bunch of fake friends. Gozta is the only friend I need. I couldn’t care less if everyone else didn’t exist!”
Enemies of Gozta can expect fear, plagues, fighting, and more as the demon wanders campus, spreading his ill-will. Even his worshipers are not safe, being subjected to horrors such as forced anorexia/bulimia, dangerous levels of forced drinking, use of cocaine, and nonstop harsh judgment by Gozta of everything they do, including everything they say and wear, and whom they hook up with.
Campus has seen such horrors on campus in the past, though most still exist, and have been simply accepted as the status quo. Another senior worshiper tried to help us understand the reasons for Gozta’s summoning:
“Gozta’s mission is to bring friendship, good will, and service. We trust in him to provide all that we need. Whether he actually manifests all of these or not, at least he claims to…”
Gozta is a notoriously powerful demon, and is expected to stay. Until Gozta can be reimprisoned in his hellish cage, Vanderbilt will have to suffer the consequences of allowing him to appear.
British Police Make Arrest in Brutal Murder-Suicide
British police have made an arrest in the February 3rd murder-suicide which claimed 4 victims in Essex. Mary Chambers, accused of murdering her husband and two of her three children before shooting herself in the mouth with a shotgun, was arrested briefly after the incident and awaits trial for the brutal crime.
Police found all four bodies lying headless on the floor of the Chambers family home, the husband and children lined up on the living room floor execution style, and Mary’s body on the couch opposite, still clutching the gun. After neighbors heard the shots and called the police, authorized Firearms-Officer Peter Beatson was first to arrive on the scene, and after a brief struggle, placed Mary’s body in handcuffs. Beatson had this to say about his confrontation:
“I walked into the scene of a massacre, and there she was–still holding the gun in her hand, with a cold, dead look in her eyes and soaked in blood. She wouldn’t drop it, so I was forced to fire multiple shots into her torso. She still didn’t drop it, so I emptied the clip. Even after all of that, the gun remained on her, so at that point I ran in, spent a minute prying the gun out of her hands, then placed the suspect under arrest.”
Events after her arrest became even stranger. Mary refused to comply with the officers on scene, and had to be carried like dead weight out to the police vehicle, earning her charges of resisting arrest. During her preliminary court appearance, Mary spoke no words, looking straight ahead as if in a different world. When asked how she pleads, Mary gave no response, and was then declared to be in contempt of court.
Friends and family of Mary spoke out to police against her arrest. “No way she killed her family,” says Mary’s brother, Garret Lamb. “Mary would never do that. Please let her go so she can try to rebuild her life after the heartless murder of her family.”
The Slant attempted to speak with Mary, but her lawyer has advised her to make no comments about the case to anybody. At least, we think so. She hasn’t said a word in a week, apparently.
Study Led by White Students Shows That Black Students Are Just Like Them, But Black
Tanner Preston Richardson, an incredibly white junior in the School of Engineering, recently held a press conference for the white student base reporting on his findings at the black table at Rand. Richardson’s trip into black territory was part of his internship with WhiteVU, a research program at Vanderbilt that funds studies on minorities. His assignment was to sit at the “black” table at Rand and gather data on their mannerisms. Richardson was eager to do the study and report back to his race, saying, “College is all about trying new things, and black people are new for me.”
Despite his eagerness, Richardson also admitted he was apprehensive at first. “I didn’t know whether or not I should lead with one of their signature handshakes. I opted for the non-chalant head-nod instead,” he said. The blacks evidently responded warmly and offered him a chair. “I then asked to speak with their leader. They looked confused, and directed me to the head of the table,” Richardson continued. At the head of the table sat a woman, later identified by WhiteVU researchers as Brittany Watts, head of the Black Student Alliance. Watts was very accepting of Richardson, asking what he got on his Randwich and noting that he “should’ve gotten a pickle spear.” “I was humbled by her wisdom,” said Richardson, and immediately thereafter returned to his seat.
Richardson also reported that the blacks were surprisingly easy to understand. “I always thought their slang was hard to decipher, but it turns out it’s because I never really listened.” This came as a relief to WhiteVU, who did not have enough in their budget to send Richardson with a translator. After hurdling this over-estimated linguistic barrier, Richardson joined in several conversations, the findings from which were the highlights of the press conference. “Turns out, they aren’t all AADS majors. They evidently have frats and sororities, too. And perhaps most shocking, was that pretty much all of them seemed to have feelings and emotions comparable to ours.”
Richardson’s findings are being refuted by many prominent white leaders on campus, including the entire Board of Trust and several head chefs in Vanderbilt Dining. “The study was poorly conducted. As the blacks were not entirely in their own environment, it is not a truly naturalistic observation. There’s no way our stereotypes are wrong,” commented Bill Claypool, executive chef and assistant director of dining. Despite doubt over the validity and accuracy of Richardson’s claims, the study is the first of its kind and has inspired similar studies at other major universities. The results have also prompted WhiteVU to fund a new study to explore if the Malaysian students might be people, too.
Old Vandy Bookstore to Become Porn Studio
Owners of the former Vanderbilt bookstore have comfirmed rumors that the open space will soon be transformed into a porn studio. Built with floor to ceiling windows optimal for viewing from various angles, the studio will house both stage rooms and small residences for full-time actors.
Construction manager John Isaac leaked information about a possible interactive element. Isaac said in his latest press conference, “we can’t say too much yet, but there’s talk of possible stations within the studio where you get to meet the production crew and the actors. There are even occasional guest star roles open to both students and faculty.”
Student body president Adam Meyer commented, “I find the space is being put to great use, especially in such a traffic-heavy area of campus. It’s a great educational spot.”
However, inspectors have expressed concern of the potential health violations due to the close proximity of the studio to Rand dining hall. Head inspector says “other than creating even more of a fire code violation by the increased foot traffic, we don’t see much of a problem. But there is the issue of food – with the bodily processes going on in the studio so close to the kitchens, who knows what will end up where?”
Also rumored is an adult superstore for more convenient access to your favorite DVDs, birth control, and lingerie. And it takes the Commodore card, much to the delight of parents. Hopes are that the sex store and interactive porn studio will encourage safer – and more thrilling – sex.
Nashville’s Department of Public Health has reported an increase in chlamydia by 10% on Vanderbilt’s campus alone this year. An anonymous student with the disease expressed hope for a sex education component. He comments, “I hope it teaches students the importance of practicing safer sex. Because God knows I could have used that.”
Couples workshops will be offered in the evenings taught by the actors themselves on the newest positions and safe sex practices. Actor Crystal Jennings is particularly enthusiastic about helping to improve students’ sex lives and diversifying the hook-up culture on campus: “I’m so looking forward to teaching students about awesome sex moves that aren’t that well known. By the end of the session, ladies, you will be doing the ‘wheelbarrow’ and the ‘angry dragon’ like a professional.”
Actors have mentioned the possibility of student competitions vying for a guest role in a film. Auditions include aerobics, endurance tests, and pole dancing for both men and women. The top three contestants will star in a three-some and receive their own contracts with the famed Adam and Eve production company.
Gay and transsexual porn will reportedly be filmed in the studio as well, much to the approval of LGBTQI Life. Director Nora Spencer told reporters, “[LGBTQI] believes it to be a great innovation that breaks the heterosexual mold and encourages freedom of expression to anyone who passes by.”
However, Vanderbilt Catholics have expressed concern about the exposure of homosexual sex to the student body, as well as the practice of contraception. The president of the club remarked, “For virgins like ourselves, we find it extremely offensive to have sex so blatantly in our faces all the time. It makes the temptation even worse.”
Beta has already requested rights to the films, and is in the process of installing a home entertainment system in their basement for ideal viewing. They anxiously await this new component to their house. One brother is quoted as saying, “Now we don’t have to sneak around anymore. It is now acceptable to indulge in the company of others who are as interested as I am.”
Chancellor Zeppos has addressed the anticipated rioting by anti-porn activists and religious groups on campus: “We expect there to be petitions against the campus’ newest innovation, but the decision is final. Not only will it educate our students, but it will also open up additional work study jobs for interested student actors, production assistants, lighting and stage designers, and cinematographers.” Construction will begin in the summer of 2012.
New Handicapped Gold® Memberships Offer Even Better Parking Spots
Tennessee joined several other states this month in offering a new, higher tier of handicapped parking permits. New Handicapped Gold® permits offer additional parking spaces, even larger and closer to your destination than regular handicapped parking. The better spots are being offered to guarantee better parking for the handicapped who need the priority parking and have the extra $100,000.
Participating government buildings, churches, and Wal*Marts in Tennessee will now offer additional, gold-striped parking spots for Gold® members. They are designated by the familiar white man-in-a-wheelchair icon, but with a pimped-out, ruby-studded wheelchair.
For the annual subscription fee, handicapped persons get a gold-plated placard to hang from their rear-view mirrors which permits parking in Gold® parking spaces. Upgraded spots vary by location, but common features include shaded awnings, extra-wide berth, and sticks to beat away the other people who are jealous of your bitching parking spot.
Handicapped Gold® spots at Wal*Mart locations feature parking inside the lobby, right by the motorized courtesy shopping carts, to guarantee smooth shopping while non-Gold® members are still in the parking lot. Spots at churches come with bonus blessings and extra communion wafers, as well as guaranteed first-row pews.
Those with standard handicapped parking spots can upgrade to Gold® by visiting their DMVs with their checkbooks.
