Does your day go by without egregious pestilence, warfare, famine, and death? Well that’s about to change, now that a bunch of sorority girl wannabes have summoned the foul demon overlord Gozta, to campus.
Worshipers of Gozta have been appearing around campus lately, making known their usually underground presence at high-traffic areas, such as Rand lunch, in an effort to recruit the necessary additional acolytes for the summoning of Gozta. Handing out the symbol of Gozta—a bright pink ribbon—and tricking girls with their innocuous smiles, these succubi have successfully filled their ranks with the numbers they need for their blood rituals. They target women who didn’t make it into any sororities, counting on their low self-esteem and desire to exact revenge on the rest of campus.
The final step in this cult’s summoning ritual involved coating trees around Alumni Lawn and other parts of main campus with pink ribbons with a written invocation of Gozta’s name on them. An aerial view of these ribbons would reveal that they make the shape of a pentagram.
Preceded by the intense lightning storms which wracked campus for several days, Gozta emerged from his sulfurous prison below the earth’s crust and into the Marriott hotel on the evening of February 2nd.
While it may seem curious to an outsider why these women would want to subject themselves and the rest of campus to Gozta’s fiery rule, cultists assure us of their firm belief in his supreme righteousness. One follower spoke to us regarding her convictions:
“Yeah, I, like, got cut from all the sororities during rush. I cried for days, but then the cult of Gozta appeared and offered me a place to fit in. They accepted me for who I am. And if part of that belonging means slashing my hand and using my blood to summon a demon, like, get over it!”
Asked why she wanted to bring death and destruction to campus, she said, “I don’t need, like, a bunch of fake friends. Gozta is the only friend I need. I couldn’t care less if everyone else didn’t exist!”
Enemies of Gozta can expect fear, plagues, fighting, and more as the demon wanders campus, spreading his ill-will. Even his worshipers are not safe, being subjected to horrors such as forced anorexia/bulimia, dangerous levels of forced drinking, use of cocaine, and nonstop harsh judgment by Gozta of everything they do, including everything they say and wear, and whom they hook up with.
Campus has seen such horrors on campus in the past, though most still exist, and have been simply accepted as the status quo. Another senior worshiper tried to help us understand the reasons for Gozta’s summoning:
“Gozta’s mission is to bring friendship, good will, and service. We trust in him to provide all that we need. Whether he actually manifests all of these or not, at least he claims to…”
Gozta is a notoriously powerful demon, and is expected to stay. Until Gozta can be reimprisoned in his hellish cage, Vanderbilt will have to suffer the consequences of allowing him to appear.

Tanner Preston Richardson, an incredibly white junior in the School of Engineering, recently held a press conference for the white student base reporting on his findings at the black table at Rand. Richardson’s trip into black territory was part of his internship with WhiteVU, a research program at Vanderbilt that funds studies on minorities. His assignment was to sit at the “black” table at Rand and gather data on their mannerisms. Richardson was eager to do the study and report back to his race, saying, “College is all about trying new things, and black people are new for me.”
Despite his eagerness, Richardson also admitted he was apprehensive at first. “I didn’t know whether or not I should lead with one of their signature handshakes. I opted for the non-chalant head-nod instead,” he said. The blacks evidently responded warmly and offered him a chair. “I then asked to speak with their leader. They looked confused, and directed me to the head of the table,” Richardson continued. At the head of the table sat a woman, later identified by WhiteVU researchers as Brittany Watts, head of the Black Student Alliance. Watts was very accepting of Richardson, asking what he got on his Randwich and noting that he “should’ve gotten a pickle spear.” “I was humbled by her wisdom,” said Richardson, and immediately thereafter returned to his seat.
Richardson also reported that the blacks were surprisingly easy to understand. “I always thought their slang was hard to decipher, but it turns out it’s because I never really listened.” This came as a relief to WhiteVU, who did not have enough in their budget to send Richardson with a translator. After hurdling this over-estimated linguistic barrier, Richardson joined in several conversations, the findings from which were the highlights of the press conference. “Turns out, they aren’t all AADS majors. They evidently have frats and sororities, too. And perhaps most shocking, was that pretty much all of them seemed to have feelings and emotions comparable to ours.”
Richardson’s findings are being refuted by many prominent white leaders on campus, including the entire Board of Trust and several head chefs in Vanderbilt Dining. “The study was poorly conducted. As the blacks were not entirely in their own environment, it is not a truly naturalistic observation. There’s no way our stereotypes are wrong,” commented Bill Claypool, executive chef and assistant director of dining. Despite doubt over the validity and accuracy of Richardson’s claims, the study is the first of its kind and has inspired similar studies at other major universities. The results have also prompted WhiteVU to fund a new study to explore if the Malaysian students might be people, too.

Owners of the former Vanderbilt bookstore have comfirmed rumors that the open space will soon be transformed into a porn studio. Built with floor to ceiling windows optimal for viewing from various angles, the studio will house both stage rooms and small residences for full-time actors.
Construction manager John Isaac leaked information about a possible interactive element. Isaac said in his latest press conference, “we can’t say too much yet, but there’s talk of possible stations within the studio where you get to meet the production crew and the actors. There are even occasional guest star roles open to both students and faculty.”
Student body president Adam Meyer commented, “I find the space is being put to great use, especially in such a traffic-heavy area of campus. It’s a great educational spot.”
However, inspectors have expressed concern of the potential health violations due to the close proximity of the studio to Rand dining hall. Head inspector says “other than creating even more of a fire code violation by the increased foot traffic, we don’t see much of a problem. But there is the issue of food – with the bodily processes going on in the studio so close to the kitchens, who knows what will end up where?”
Also rumored is an adult superstore for more convenient access to your favorite DVDs, birth control, and lingerie. And it takes the Commodore card, much to the delight of parents. Hopes are that the sex store and interactive porn studio will encourage safer – and more thrilling – sex.
Nashville’s Department of Public Health has reported an increase in chlamydia by 10% on Vanderbilt’s campus alone this year. An anonymous student with the disease expressed hope for a sex education component. He comments, “I hope it teaches students the importance of practicing safer sex. Because God knows I could have used that.”
Couples workshops will be offered in the evenings taught by the actors themselves on the newest positions and safe sex practices. Actor Crystal Jennings is particularly enthusiastic about helping to improve students’ sex lives and diversifying the hook-up culture on campus: “I’m so looking forward to teaching students about awesome sex moves that aren’t that well known. By the end of the session, ladies, you will be doing the ‘wheelbarrow’ and the ‘angry dragon’ like a professional.”
Actors have mentioned the possibility of student competitions vying for a guest role in a film. Auditions include aerobics, endurance tests, and pole dancing for both men and women. The top three contestants will star in a three-some and receive their own contracts with the famed Adam and Eve production company.
Gay and transsexual porn will reportedly be filmed in the studio as well, much to the approval of LGBTQI Life. Director Nora Spencer told reporters, “[LGBTQI] believes it to be a great innovation that breaks the heterosexual mold and encourages freedom of expression to anyone who passes by.”
However, Vanderbilt Catholics have expressed concern about the exposure of homosexual sex to the student body, as well as the practice of contraception. The president of the club remarked, “For virgins like ourselves, we find it extremely offensive to have sex so blatantly in our faces all the time. It makes the temptation even worse.”
Beta has already requested rights to the films, and is in the process of installing a home entertainment system in their basement for ideal viewing. They anxiously await this new component to their house. One brother is quoted as saying, “Now we don’t have to sneak around anymore. It is now acceptable to indulge in the company of others who are as interested as I am.”
Chancellor Zeppos has addressed the anticipated rioting by anti-porn activists and religious groups on campus: “We expect there to be petitions against the campus’ newest innovation, but the decision is final. Not only will it educate our students, but it will also open up additional work study jobs for interested student actors, production assistants, lighting and stage designers, and cinematographers.” Construction will begin in the summer of 2012.

Tennessee joined several other states this month in offering a new, higher tier of handicapped parking permits. New Handicapped Gold® permits offer additional parking spaces, even larger and closer to your destination than regular handicapped parking. The better spots are being offered to guarantee better parking for the handicapped who need the priority parking and have the extra $100,000.
Participating government buildings, churches, and Wal*Marts in Tennessee will now offer additional, gold-striped parking spots for Gold® members. They are designated by the familiar white man-in-a-wheelchair icon, but with a pimped-out, ruby-studded wheelchair.
For the annual subscription fee, handicapped persons get a gold-plated placard to hang from their rear-view mirrors which permits parking in Gold® parking spaces. Upgraded spots vary by location, but common features include shaded awnings, extra-wide berth, and sticks to beat away the other people who are jealous of your bitching parking spot.
Handicapped Gold® spots at Wal*Mart locations feature parking inside the lobby, right by the motorized courtesy shopping carts, to guarantee smooth shopping while non-Gold® members are still in the parking lot. Spots at churches come with bonus blessings and extra communion wafers, as well as guaranteed first-row pews.
Those with standard handicapped parking spots can upgrade to Gold® by visiting their DMVs with their checkbooks.

The cookie baroness, Mrs. Fields, has filed for divorce from her husband of 10 years. She was unavailable for comment, but her lawyer made a statement, saying, “Mrs. Fields is a victim of years of indiscretion from her husband and is merely looking to finally put all this to rest and move on with her life.”
This celebrity split should come as no surprise to anyone familiar with the recent headlines filled with rocky details of the couple’s troubled marriage. Mr. Fields, more widely known as fizzled out rap metal frontman of Limp Bizkit, Fred Durst, has been slightly more proactive in the divorce proceedings.
Mr. Durst has foregone the usual legal representation in order to afford a team of private investigators to infiltrate the Mrs. Fields operation in an attempt to uncover any skeletons in the closet. This snooping has lead to some startling discoveries.
We here at The Slant had the fortune of being contacted by one of these P.I.s, who had some revealing information about the business model behind the seemingly harmless individually packed treats. According to the P.I. (who has requested we don’t publish his real name), several company bank loan statements show that Mrs. Fields only became interested in the cookie industry after she became aware of her husband’s first indiscretion with another woman.
Several email exchanges to her director of marketing also make apparent her desire for the company to focus on targeting “pretty young girls.”
After we contacted Mrs. Fields with the intent to get her to confirm or deny such claims, she promptly responded in the affirmative, saying, “My husband is going to have a hard time finding any other whores who aren’t super obese when we unveil our dark chocolate cookies.”
She was of course referencing the dark chocolate craze that has misguided many young girls into thinking they’re guiltlessly indulging in a chocolatey treat when really they’re just overloading on body mass-inducing fat.
We immediately got in touch with Mr. Durst, who told us, “Well of course that psycho bitch is fattening you idiots up,” and claimed he knew all about it, saying, “why else would I write a song with lyrics like ‘I did it all for the nookie, so you can take that cookie and stick it up your ass?’ I write from the heart, and this was a little message for my overbearing, soon-to-be ex wife about my little escapades.”
In light of Mrs. Fields’ attempts to keep her husband tied down, Mr. Durst was unfazed, saying, “The joke’s on my wife. Who do you think I was running around with? Bingo: fat chicks. Who else is going to give the nookie to Durst?”
Feeling like the child of a divorced couple, we here at The Slant relayed this message to Mrs. Fields, who simply said, “You know that bastard’s ‘biskit’ wasn’t the only thing that was limp.”
The couple is set to be officially divorced sometime in April.

Beginning at midnight Eastern Standard Time on January 18, 2012, Wikipedia protested the SOPA and PIPA legislation currently in Congress by blacking out only the English-language version of its website for 24 hours. Within minutes of the digital lights going out, uni-lingual Americans took to the web in protest, blogging, tweeting, and reposting about Wikipedia’s blatant discrimination against all English-speakers.
As user EntitledAmerican on www.americancensorship.org eloquently posted, “Anyone else who spoke any language other than English still had complete access to all the open-source information he could ever want. It’s not my fault that English is the international language of commerce and everything else and that everyone wants to be like us. How am I supposed to start and complete my 30-page research paper the morning before it’s due without Wiki? Should I be punished because my language and country are the best? No, because Wikipedia is free and should be available always.”
Standing on the other side of the fence, Wikipedia repeatedly claimed that the blackout was only intended to bring the absurdity of SOPA and PIPA into the American public consciousness, assuming that addressing them in their own language would prove most effective. According to the Wikipedia page bearing the “SOPA Initiative” title – the site’s only page available in English during the blackout – “visitors were not able to read the encyclopedia, and instead saw messages about SOPA and PIPA, encouragement to contact their representatives, and links to share information on social media.” What Wikipedia did not expect, however, was the rampant backlash of prejudicial allegations from its user-community.
“Wikipedia hates English[-speaking] people!” blogged one user who went on to admit that she bought the 2010 hardback edition of the Encyclopedia Britannica off of Amazon for over $1,300 later on that afternoon in protest of Wikipedia’s protest.
“Wikipedia’s run by a bunch of Commies! We’ll all be forced to speak Mandarin or Russian by the end of the year,” said another level-headed blogger.
However, bi-lingual American citizens, registered internationals, and illegal immigrants alike were surprisingly silent about the whole issue. When pushed for a comment, Spanish doctoral candidate Alejandra Marquez tersely stated, “It was really no big deal for me. I just clicked on the Spanish version of Wikipedia and kept searching for resources for my doctoral thesis. What is this SOPA thing again? Did you mean to spell soap? It’s S-O-A-P, mi amigo.”
Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales, a dot-com-era mogul who first got his hands wet with a male-oriented web portal featuring adult entertainment and content, has fought the censorship beast before and concocted the whole website blackout idea. Said Wales, “Just tell them they can’t have it for a little while, and it only makes them come back wanting it even more, harder, and faster. I just decided to blackout the English-language version because I speak English. No other reason whatsoever.”
Within 72 hours of the 24-hour blackout, the Wikimedia Foundation received approximately $120 million in international donations, mostly from governmental donors in Russia and China.