The Gospel According to Mark, Episode V: The Empire Strikes Mark

February 25, 2011 By

Welcome to the fifth edition of The Gospel of Mark. In this section, I’ll be answering all of your questions with the wisdom I’ve garnered from over twenty-two whole years on this earth. So, sit back and prepare to fill your brain-hole with my knowledge. Do you feel violated? Because you should.

Dear Mark the Omniscient,

I’ve been watching Glee this season and Brittany Pierce suggested that Dr. Pepper might not be a real dentist. They were joking, right?

Yours,

Toothless in Thibodaux

Dear Glee Fan,

Everyone knows Dr. Pepper is a doctor in the sense that Dr. Dre is a doctor. Sure, he may not have a fancy “degree” from a so-called “educational institution,” but damn, can he ever spit hot fire. He beat out both Coca-Cola and Pepsi-Cola in the famous rap-battle of 1900. Coca-Cola and Pepsi-Cola comprised the Cola band, similar to N.W.A., before they split up in 1914, which coincidentally was the start of WWI. Did their fallout cause it? We’ll never know. We do know, however, that just because you’re the best doesn’t mean you’re the most successful. A case study to exemplify this is that Kanye, obviously the best rapper alive, is not as successful as Jay-Z. I’m going off track here, but the point is that Dr. Pepper is a rap artist.

Dear Mark the Omniscient,

The other day I was doing my girlfriend’s laundry with her, and when I pulled one of her dresses out of the hamper I noticed there was… a stain on it… the type of stain that only I should be putting onto my girlfriend’s clothes. I didn’t show it to her, but while she wasn’t looking I took a quick sniff and I know for a fact that my man goo definitely didn’t leave this stain. What should I do, Mark? Should I confront her about it and risk admitting I don’t trust her, or should I just let it go and be secure in our relationship?

Regards,

Spunk Stained Steven

Dear Guy Who Could Pick His Jizz Out of a Lineup,

No need to worry, man. She’s just a Monica Lewinsky fanatic who bought a replica Lewinsky dress off eBay. She told me herself last night.

Dear MTO,

In response to this article and its image,
[http://www.inquisitr.com/28336/florida-christians-protest-atheist-billboard-wait-till-you-see-the-sign/]
I have to ask, simply, why are people so stupid?

Thanks.
Billboard Installation Master
Dear Person Who’s Concerned with the Plight of Humanity,

To those of you who will never actually visit that link, the billboard reads: “Being a good person doesn’t require God. Don’t believe in God? You’re NOT alone!” Apparently a group of local Floridian Christians under the leadership of Essie “Big Mama” Reed (I shit you not) protested that the billboard needed to be removed “in the name of Jesus.” To her, the sign reads more along the lines of “Do not believe in God,” which, quite frankly, we just can’t have. She believes the sign “discriminates towards Christians.”
To answer your question, I have no damn clue. The audacity of that person is just absurd. That someone would even think they have the right to do something like that is just flat out insulting not only to me, but also to the human race. I mean, seriously, Duncan Riley, the writer of that article, is such a douche. You can’t just make fun of Martin Lawrence when he’s in a fat suit. He’s probably just doing it ironically. Not pictured was Big Mama dressed in skinny jeans, black thick-rimmed glasses, and an edgy T-shirt. Uncool, Duncan. Uncool.

If you have a question of your own that you would like to have passed through the mental bowels of Mark the Omniscient, address an email to mto.theslant@gmail.com and see if Mark will answer your question in our next issue.

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How to Break up with Your Roommate: an Informative Guide

February 9, 2011 By

It’s that time of year for many freshmen: the awkward roommate breakup. He’s not a bad guy. He’s quiet, but not too quiet. Never brings his friends over and hasn’t sexiled you once. Always goes to the library to study, so you can blast music all you like. You’d just…rather not live with him anymore. That’s cool, right?
Wrong. People, especially unstable freshmen, take their roommate relationship very seriously. If you’re not a massive asshole, he probably thinks you can walk on water. He’ll never want to leave you, and if you just tell him that you want to live with someone else, he’ll most likely spiral into a depression that can only end in transfer, or worse- Kissam. God help you if you tell him you’re applying for a Mayfield without him; he might just decide that if he has to go, he might as well take all ten of you bastards with him. You’ve got to tread carefully here, because the slightest social faux pas could end in disaster.
It’s not enough to kindly explain to him that you want to live away from him next year; you have to convince him that he doesn’t want to live with you. You need to be a douchebag. If you’re pledging, no worries. Just do what comes naturally. For all you independents, this is probably the only instance in college where it’s smart to act like a frat guy. Bring drunk people to your room all the time. Bonus points if they’re so belligerent they break your roommate’s stuff. Party hard every night you can, and don’t keep the music below slight nausea-inducing levels. Your grades may slip, sure. But always remember: you’re doing this for him. It’s your moral obligation to party. Remember the Vandy motto: rage, rage, rage against the dying of the light.
How to deal with a roommate dump:

What happened? You thought you had something great. He was always so caring and considerate. It wasn’t like everybody else’s roommate relationship; you two were special. Whenever you took out the trash, he THANKED you. No one had ever done that before; you knew right then that you two were meant to last.
But then he went and ruined it all. He might be cavorting with those hippies down at McGill, or he might be looking for a swingin’ party double in Branscomb. The point is he left you without ever looking back. So what are you supposed to do, just bend over and take it quietly? No, he’ll know what you feel, if it’s the last thing you do. Sit him down one Sunday morning when he’s probably hungover and give him the speech of his life. Tell him exactly what it means to be as depressed as a biomedical engineer. Most of all, let him know how you feel about being abandoned. But remember to end each sentence with “no homo.” If you don’t, you’ll look gayer than the Steelers’ defense.

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9 Surefire Ways to Show Your Looooooooove this Valentine’s

February 5, 2011 By

Valentine’s Day—that once yearly celebration that induces heterosexual couples to make over-the-top displays of their affection through the exchange of foil balloons, heart-shaped chocolates, and pink flowers. Meanwhile, single girls watch reruns of romantic comedies over buckets of ice cream, while single guys attempt to ply the single girls with pink and red alcoholic beverages. But let’s break the stereotypes; there are those of us who have found new and innovative ways to celebrate this sappy excuse for the consumption of all things pink, and I would like to share them with you. Whether you are dating or single, or just hooking up, start a new tradition here and now…

1) Grab a few friends and throw a movie marathon. No, not the latest Jennifer Anniston flick. Opt for a few classic, badly scripted teen slashers, in particular the ones featuring attractive teens being stalked by various psycho-killers. This is a good way to vent the frustration you are likely to experience throughout the day. I recommend I Know What You Did Last Summer, Prom Night, Sorority Row, House of Wax, and any of the Final Destinations.

2) Have an Adam Lambert Dance Party. Wear lots of black leather and glitter. Play his albums over and over again and dance until you feel glamorous.

3) Play spin-the-bottle Valentine’s style. Spin a full bottle of vodka (or any drink of your choice). The person who it lands on has to drink until they’re willing to kiss you. I don’t know what this has to do with Valentine’s Day, but I think someone out there should try it.

4) Perform a public execution to commemorate the execution of St. Valentine. No, not on a real person, you sick freak. Use a cardboard cutout of Edward Cullen or a Republican politician. Get as medieval as possible to stay true to the spirit of martyrdom.

5) The average man spends about $156 for Valentine’s Day, while the average woman spends about $85. Who are these people and why do they have so much money? Anyway, if this applies to you and your significant other, why don’t you pool your money and go to Six Flags? Roller coasters trump roses, any day.

6) Play 7 Minutes in Heaven Valentine’s style – only make it 7 Minutes in Hell. Fill a closet with every cutesy Valentine’s thing you can find, then lock people in there in pairs and see if they can last 7 minutes without suffering a psychotic meltdown.

7) Go on the grand Valentine’s tour. Visit the sweatshops of third world countries and talk to the children that make your teddy bears for a dollar a day. That’s what love is all about, after all.

8) Tell someone you care about how you really feel. Expect disappointment.

9) Reread this article.

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Gospel of Mark Vol. 4: Holy Shit Why Is He Still Doing These

February 4, 2011 By

Welcome to the fourth edition of The Gospel of Mark. In this section, I’ll be answering all of your questions with the wisdom I’ve garnered from over twenty-two whole years on this earth. So, sit back and prepare to fill your brain-hole with my knowledge. Feels nice, doesn’t it?

Dear Mark,
I’ve been having some trouble with my dorm room recently. About a week ago, my walls began to ooze green slime. This part wasn’t so bad because my parents sent me back to school with paper towels that have been quite useful in dealing with the mess. However, shortly after that, flashing lights and fog began emanating from underneath my bed and booming voices began calling out to me calling for the “destruction of humanity” and saying, “the end of the world is nigh”. It’s beginning to really get my goat and I’m thinking about transferring to Kissam. What should I do?
Sincerely,

Troubled in Towers

Dear Gatekeeper,
Oh hey, I think I had that dorm room when I first moved in. It’s probably just a guy in a spooky mask out to scare you so he can have the room all to himself. Turns out all you need are a crime-solving quartet with a penchant for mysteries and a cheeky dog. Sure, afterwards the guy will be a complete dickface and keep claiming he “would’ve gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids,” but what does that guy know anyway? I mean, he did get caught by a bunch of teens after all. The little shits.
If the slime turns out to be legit, then you have a more serious problem. I mean, if it’s Lord Cthulu we’re talking about here, you might as well just give in to death’s sweet embrace. If it’s your average desecrated Indian burial ground out for revenge, then you have nothing to worry about. They usually give up pretty quickly, or at least they will after you give them smallpox. Ghost blankets work well as a delivery method. You can find them at any Home Depot, or your local Indian-burial-groundicide store. You may think that method is unoriginal, but if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Best,

Mark

Dear Mark,
So, like, everyone is totes jealous of me and I don’t know what to do about it. First, it was just Kristen S., but she’s fat and her roots are showing, so her opinion doesn’t matter, but then Ashlee and Ashley told me that Christa was talking about me behind my back after TriZeta, DSig, and AZNu wanted me on bid day. I mean, it’s not my fault that I have flawless bone structure and rote memory of the Gossip Girl story line. Like, and then after that, Cassie and Ashleigh stopped talking to me after I broke our lunch date at Grins, but, like gross, they thought charcoal gray leggings were cute. Like, are you flippin’ kidding me?! Gray! I mean obvi everyone knows it’s black or nothing, duh. Then Garrett was giving me sooo much attention at the EZD party and Kristen W. stormed off with my drink and I’m like, ‘Whoa chillax,’ but she just kept, like, leaving. They weren’t even really dating, I mean, like, they went out maybe 3, no…2 times? Whateves. But like, how do I get these wanna be’s off my back? I can’t help being so fabulous and unique.
Yours, like, forever,
xXxVANdYPRiNC3SSxXx

Dear Sorostitute,
Wow. Uh. I’m not quite sure how to respond to that. I hear a good shanking solves a lot of problems. That, or hire someone to whack them off. I’m fairly certain that’s the terminology for that, such as in the sentence, “Did you hear the news? Tony got whacked off yesterday.” Yeah, that sounds about right. Barring that, call them ‘skankatrons’ and use some gratuitous yelling; that usually does the trick.
Cheers,
Mark


If you have a question of your own that you would like to have passed through the mental bowels of Mark the Omniscient, address an email to mto.theslant@gmail.com and see if Mark will answer your question in our next issue.

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Ten Somewhat Idiotic and Illegal Ways to Surely Get Laid

February 3, 2011 By

Below is a list of surefire ways to get laid this holiday; this advice may or may not get you in trouble with the Metro Police or VUPD, so I will preface this by saying that self-love is the only safe love.

1. Chloroform
Sketchy Guy: “Hey ma’am can you tell me if this rag smells funny to you?”
Naïve Woman: “Su…*clearly faints*”
Sketchy Guy: “Oh, Chloroform, how I love thee!”
While this idea may seem unethical, it sure as hell is fool proof. My personal philosophy is that if you don’t remember it, it didn’t happen, but I don’t think Metro or VUPD would necessarily share those same sentiments.

2. Support
Prostitution
Too lazy to try to woo some random bird to get your rocks off? Support your local prostitute. While this may not be your grade “A” piece of ass, it sure beats another date night with your left hand. Be warned, any diseases contracted are non-refundable.

3. A Shit-Ton of Alcohol
Depending on your venue, this may be either the cheapest or most expensive option; your intended target is also a large variable in this. Your best bet is to be in a sketchy venue with dim lights and free or cheap alcohol. Chances are that you will not be the only person with getting laid in mind. Keep in mind though, beauty is in the eye of the beer holder, and your princess may very well be a prince.

4. Make the Person Feel as if You’re Their Only Option
One of the most effective getting laid tips is the good old-fashioned mind fuck. Self-esteem is for the weak minded. Destroy it and you’ll have the person actually begging for you and thanking you.

5. Lie
If you’re looking for a method only slightly socially unacceptable, basic lies can get your further than anything. The basic, “Yes, I’m a millionaire”, “I love you”, or even, “You’re beautiful”, are potent; do not underestimate their power to effectively get most people under your control. naivete is something to exploit; everyone has to learn at some point.

6. Be Convincing
Did you let that cute kid cheat off of you in Chemistry? Copy your homework? Well, then time to break out your blackmail. Use the dirty little secrets you’ve overheard at Rand Brunch or being shrieked in Sarratt despite the fact that no one actually cares to create some dirty times of your own. Remember, it’s a thin line between blackmail and being convincing.

7. Whore Yourself
Why bother buying a prostitute when you can be one yourself? Forget the sketchy venues and even skuzzier clientele; you’ll be getting laid and putting away money (and more) towards your college education.

8. Be a Jackass
For some reasons, jackasses always manage to get laid. Maybe it’s masochism or finding someone they hate more than they hate themselves, but whatever the reason is, bitches and jackasses get laid. Reverse psychology? Maybe. Hope for the future? None.

9. Bed Intruder Method
One way to get lucky is to be extremely forward and hope everything goes well. See someone attractive? Find out where they live, break into their dorm, and voila. VUPD may be called and do not be alarmed if six officers show up. No love comes easy, and that includes good old-fashioned lovin’. Maybe you can convince one of the officers to give you a slut-down worst-case scenario.

10. Good Ol’ Roofies
Shy talking to girls or boys? Don’t worry, if you slip ‘em a little something something, they won’t even remember you. Yay, unplanned pregnancy, so remember to please be safe, or have a wire hanger or staircase ready.

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Feeling sad? Feeling blue? Here’s some terrible advice for you. (make me a title please)

January 23, 2011 By

It’s that time of year again. Cold weather? Rain? Self-loathing? That’s right; I’m talking about Seasonal Affective Disorder, otherwise known as “SAD” (coincidence? I think not). I know for a fact that I’ve suffered from this ailment for quite some time. While all the other kids were getting ready for the joyous holiday season and new year, I was convinced that I should just drop out of school because I’d never amount to anything. But hey, I’ve proven myself wrong! …or have I? *sigh*. It may be hard to convince yourself to get out of bed every morning for the next few months, but come spring, things will cheer up. In the meantime, here are a few things to avoid while in your depressive state:

Sex
Now, I know you’re thinking this will suddenly make everything better, but rollin’ in the sheets is a double-edged sword during these gloomy days.  Dirty talk suddenly leaves the realm of sexy and the passionately exclaimed, “Fuck me!” becomes the bitterly mumbled, “Ah, fuck me. I hate my life.” Then you might cry and, well, there’s something about crying that usually ruins the mood. Go figure.
LSD
Okay, let’s be clear, I don’t necessarily condone dropping acid, but if you’re going to do so, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT do so while you are depressed. Apparently, kids like to experiment with drugs in college (What? I know, so random right?), so yes, this is relevant. One common side effect of LSD is sensory confusion. This includes hearing colors. Now, while that may seem really amazing at first, please keep in mind that when you’re sad everything seems black and gray and those colors yell horrible things like, “Yes, you do look fat today!” and, “The Spice Girls are never getting back together!” Guaranteed worst trip ever.

Too Many People
When you’re feeling sad and alone, your first instinct may be to surround yourself with as many companions as possible. Use acute discretion when deciding whom to hang with. Now is not the time to go eat with the airhead down the hall who you promised to “totes” go have lunch with. Or remember that guy who you high-fived ONCE when he delivered that well-timed Helen Keller joke? The one that thinks you all are best friends? Don’t go there.

Here are also a few tips and tricks to help instantly cheer you up:

Comfort Food
This is pretty much the only time of year you can eat copious amounts of food and not be judged, because no one will notice those extra five lbs when you’re bundled underneath that Bill Cosby sweater.  Don’t let all you can eat weekend brunch go to waste! Remember how you always wanted to get in touch with your Italian roots? Ciao! Bagel Bites! Bellissimo! Crumbs will be your new favorite accessories.

Baby animals
I mean, duh. Who doesn’t love playing with puppies? How could you not be happy buried in a pile of kittens? You’re thinking about it right now aren’t you?  Not only are they cute and cuddly, but they also attract others, so you are more likely to meet new and interesting people! Plus, they’ll love you unconditionally, which is more than you can say for your friends, “significant” other, and parents.

YouTube It Up
While there are a lot of really crappy videos on the internet, there are also goldmines. Some of my throwback favorites include, but are not limited to, “Can’t Tell Me Nothing with Zach Galifianakis,” remixed kitchen appliance infomercials, “I Beweave Hair Salon,” “Scarlet Takes a Tumble,” and basically anything posted by Everything Is Terrible. If you can’t find anything to make you laugh on here, quite frankly I don’t understand why you’re even reading this. I clearly can’t help you. Get out. Now.

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Living Learning Communities: when your friends get a suite without you

January 22, 2011 By

Freshmen, it’s time already to start thinking about housing for next year! Your friends may be heading to Branscomb to maximize fratting or shooting for a suite to throw their own parties, but for those of you who want something different, consider having everyone judge you by applying for one of Vanderbilt’s Living Learning Communities! To help you make your choice, I have prepared the following introduction to the LLCs on campus.

The Kissam Experience:

So, they have managed to fool you. The Office of Housing and Residential Education, in their tricksy ways, has managed to make you think that Kissam is a good place to live. There are two things wrong about this: one, the University is planning on razing Kissam and building a new Kissam v2.0 because of its current dismal condition; two, that Kissam is where you end up if you skip the housing application entirely! That’s right, by totally sleeping through the entire housing application period, you will be placed in Kissam where they are trying to get people to WANT to live. Indeed, much of the Kissam experience is about doing nothing at all—just barely subsisting. On the bright side, living in Kissam will net you a pretty large single room, but is it really worth not having a roommate when you have to tell the girl you just met that you’re taking her back to Kissam?

Mayfield Lodges:

You’ve gathered nine friends who you think you’ll be able to stand for the whole year. You came up with a really bad project idea when really the only idea in your head is “party party party!” You must be ready for a Mayfield.

Who knows whether you end up having to go through with your project? One doesn’t hear very often from rogues who didn’t complete their projects, but since Mayfields are a LIVING learning community, we can assume that they’re still being kept alive… somewhere. But poorly formulated “service project” aside, you’ll love living with your buds in a little self-contained unit. Until cutthroat competition begins for warm water in the mornings, fingers are pointed over who leaves the messes in the bathrooms, and your hard-earned bagel bites disappear from the fridge. You can also look forward to leaving thirty minutes early to walk to class. But all that exercise will be put to good use, since the only meal plan location close to you is a Quiznos.

VIPs:

Oh, you mean you actually WANT to do a project? Then you’re not looking for a Mayfield, you’re looking for a Vanderbilt Interest Project: all of the work of a Mayfield with none of the partying!

Living in a VIP involves picking 4-9 of your friends and choosing a really awkward, tenuously service-oriented project for the year. Reading the VIP blog online, you get a pretty good sense of diverse people being diverse for the sake of diversity, but seeing 0 comments on every post all the way down the main page makes it seem more like a Vanderbilt Disinterest Project.

VIPs are hosted in Vandy/Barnard, which means you get laundry in your dorm. And Nectar, which is kinda cool, I guess.

Leadership Hall:

I’m sorry, I have no idea what the sh*t this is. If you’re up for a gamble, go for it. Again, you’ll be living in Vandy/Barnard, which means laundry and Nectar and not much else.

McGill:

If your parents didn’t love you enough, then you’ll love McGill! Established in 1972, the McGill project has been the land of misfit toys for almost 40 years. Come join the house where guys actually have to come out as “straight” and where 8’ martini glasses made out of balloons decorate the lobby. McGill is conveniently located equidistant from CT West, Rand, and Nectar, but who needs those when you can discover mystery cake in the lobby for public consumption?

McGill is a place where anyone will feel welcome. It houses not only gays but also every possible permutation of human sexuality, though it tries with modest success to relega(y)te those people to the fourth floor. Among social groups, it houses bros, hos, scenesters, hipsters, anti-hipsters, nerds, geeks, Japanophiles, borderline alcoholics, and like one black guy. Or two. And some Asians. But despite its diversity, McGill unites whenever there is something nice to be ruined; they ruin it—as a family!

Creative Campus Residential Fellows:

The goal here is to bring together creative people to discuss and participate in cultural programs, involving art, media, design, and all that good stuff. The idea is to force students to hold the kind of discussions that take place naturally and without encouragement at other colleges. However, creativity is involved, so engineers aren’t welcome.

McTyeire:

McTyeire is intended for the students who are too awkward to hold normal conversations, because they require you to speak a foreign language within the dorm. Residents get their very own McMeal Plan, which requires eating meals together at a language table and attempting to ask for the Grey Poupon in everything besides English. In the interests of boosting popularity of the dorm, McTyeire is considering adding more “kind of” language halls in the future, including halls for flag semaphore, Spanglish, Java, and music, but these programs haven’t yet been implemented for the ’11-’12 school year. Residents say the most valuable thing they learn in McTyeire is how to swear effectively in ten languages, and where else are you going to find that on campus?
So there you have all the LLCs laid out for you. Applications for Mayfields and McGill are due to Housing by Wednesday, February 2nd, and McTyeire applications are due by Friday, February 4th. Leadership Hall, Creative Campus and VIP apps are due by Wednesday the 23rd, and Kissam apps have an infinite due date. Get your apps in and give LLCs a shot, and maybe your newly acquired living-learning skills will teach you how to cope when your friends laugh at you for living in an LLC.

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New Years Resolution: Lie More

January 22, 2011 By

In the spirit of applying for summer internships and needing to add crap to my resume that makes it appear as if I am capable of more than basic literacy and sleeping until noon, I would like to take this opportunity to distinguish myself from the pack as The Slant’s “Holiday Faultfinder,” which means that I focus all my mean spirited, and occasionally humorous, critiques on the holidays that all of you love in the hopes of revealing how lame they really are. But don’t worry! As is the custom of receiving any new title in the workplace, I don’t expect a raise. Plus, what you’re about to read isn’t that good.
Just to prove that I am worthy of this completely meaningless title, my first target is arguably the biggest party of the year: New Year’s Eve. The outfit. The party. The kiss. The once a year emergence of Carson Daily dropping his balls in front of millions of people. I know, it all sounds so magical, but in reality you wake up each January 1st with a sense of dissatisfaction that inevitably that prevents full enjoyment of the mobile arboretum that is the Rose Bowl parade.
Sidebar: the founders of the Rose Bowl parade really have a handle on what makes good television. Flowers are boring in their natural habitat, but when super-glued together in the shape of a giant elephant and marched down the street to the University of Wisconsin fight song they succeed in getting me pumped to watch some football, or to make me consider watering my Chia pet. Getting back to the point….
People have this notion of the perfect night out that in reality looks something like this: cramming into too tiny dresses, falling in the heels that are not conducive to ice covered streets, getting pushed into guys who clearly bathed in cologne, settling for some sloppy kiss from the awkwardly creepy dude who has been not-so-subtly tailing you all night, and failing find a drink strong enough to completely forget the events of this disappointing evening.
Clearly, New Year’s is a sham, but if you don’t have a good story to tell your friends, you’re screwed. Never fear, though, I’ve got the solution. Do what I did: lie.
Now the key to a good lie is ambiguity. Get too heavy on the details and people will either doubt your story’s validity, or you’ll forget what the hell you said and get caught. Your job is merely to create the framework that any after school special has taught you will get filled in with extravagant rumors as the story gets passed around. All you need to do is provide a place and a general time frame, then sit back and let your friends’ perverse imaginations do the rest.
My lie consisted of the following three statements: I went to Joe’s Bar (sounds plausible). I got really drunk (not accountable for any real details). I woke up on my couch missing one shoe (I’ve always loved Cinderella). With these three little sentences I successfully created for myself the enviable persona of a legit party girl without enduring all that unnecessary groping. Win, win.
I have freed you from the tyranny of New Year’s Eve so you can now do whatever you want, regardless of how lame it may be. You’re welcome. So next year, get into your sweats, sit back and enjoy that last pint of chunky-monkey before the resolutions start. Just be sure to be in bed by one, so you don’t miss a minute of that parade. Seriously, I love that thing.
I am definitely adding “advice columnist” to my resume.

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Gospel of Mark, Vol. 3: The Reckoning

January 21, 2011 By

Welcome to the third edition of The Gospel of Mark. In this section, I’ll be answering all of your questions with the wisdom I’ve garnered from over twenty-two whole years on this earth. So, sit back and prepare to fill your brain-hole with my wisdom…or with whatever else you feel needs to be inserted in there.

Dear Mark the Omniscient,

How can I better protect my anal virginity during hazing, or be less emotionally scarred afterwards?

Sincerely,
Dave “Don’t put that in there” Smith

Dear Guy With the Awesome
Nickname,

Well, you’re fucked in more ways than one. See what I did there? Because not only is the situation fucked, but so are YOU. Haha! I’m clever. Seriously though, get a chastity belt. They’re not just for women.

Dear Mark the Omniscient,

This question is not necessarily for me, as I’ve known I wanted to go to medical school since probably before I was born, but as the majority of my friends don’t really know what to do with their lives. My question for you is this: How can my friends figure out what to do with their lives? What should they do next year?
Please let me know so I can stop having to deal with their weekly nervous breakdowns.

Yours sincerely,
Senioritis

Dear Directionless Hobo,

It’s understandable to be confused about what to do with the rest of your life. We’ve all gone through it at some point. Lucky for you, I’m here to help you with your problem! Since I don’t know your friends personally, I can only give a few general guidelines about finding a purpose in life. Here’s a question for them, have they considered prostitution? It’s a job for the young at heart and the supple of body, which (most) college seniors certainly are. 24th and West End is a great corner to start working. I think so, at least, because I see ladies of the night standing there every weekend.
If selling your body isn’t for you, don’t panic! There are probably other career paths. Try starting at some service job, such as rapid cuisine artisan or sanitation engineer. You can work your way up to the top; I saw it on TV. Maybe that was just an episode of Undercover Boss… but the point is that I saw it happen, although, honestly, I was on a lot of drugs at the time so it could have been anything.

Dear Mark the
Omniscient,

How can I make more time for lifting?

Sincerely,
Some Dude

Dear Ronnie Coleman,

The first step to gain more lifting time is to break up with your girlfriend if you have one. We all know that their incessant need to ‘spend time with’ and ‘see’ us really cuts into our lifting schedule. Sure, there may be some repercussions, and your (soon to be) ex-girlfriend will be all, “boo hoo. Blah blah blah. Boo hoo some more. I’m saying something whiny and pointless.” I mean, whatever. Who wants to listen to that crap anyway? Not you, that’s for sure.
The second step is to take up residence in one of the janitor’s closets at the Rec Center. It cuts down dramatically on travel time, thereby giving you more of that sweet, sweet lifting you’ve always wanted. If they ever find out and threaten to kick you out, just flex at them with your pecs, and sure enough they ought to leave you alone forever. It’s a given that anyone who can actually flex their moobs is intimidating and should not be messed with. Either that or they’re doing a sexy dance.
The third and final step is to get a puppy. How does this relate, you ask? I have no clue. I just like puppies.

If you have a question of your own that you would like to have passed through the mental bowels of Mark the Omniscient, address an email to mto.theslant@gmail.com and see if Mark will answer your question in our next issue.

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Slant Gift-O-Scopes

December 4, 2010 By

Do you smell that, Vanderbilt? That’s the smell of cheer and goodwill with a hint of peppermint. You know what that means: everyone’s favorite December holiday is right around the corner – Exam Week! Nothing says joy quite like review sheets and flashcards.
However, throughout the endless festivities of Exam Week, a dark shadow looms on the horizon – Christmas shopping.
Christmas is a time of giving and receiving, of reindeer and elves, and of milk and cookies, but most of all Christmas is the time of year to empty your wallets and spend money on the people you love.
Buying Christmas presents can be a stressful time for most people due to the endless stream of stores, sales, and shopping mall Santas. That’s why we here at The Slant would like to provide you, the reader, with a pre-made shopping list for all of your Vanderbuddies’s Christmas needs. Let’s get on with it, shall we?

Engineers: Hugs
- As I can tell you from first-hand experience, the one thing engineers need more than anything (other than sunlight) is human contact. So this holiday season, bestow upon your favorite purveyor of processes and powertrains a hug and ignore the awkward squirming. That’s just our way of saying hello.

Women’s and Gender Studies Majors: A loaf of
bread, a package of thin sliced turkey lunch
meat, a package of Swiss cheese, a head of let
tuce, and a jar of mayonnaise
- I’m sure they could figure out something to do with this stuff.

Film Studies Majors: 3D Glasses
- It’s only a matter of time before Citizen Kane is rereleased in 3D, so you might as well get ahead of the curve and snag a pair of these for your tweed-jacket wearing comrades.

English Majors: Money
- They’re going to need it after they graduate. Sitting around in various coffee shops working on your first novel isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Plus, those Toffee Mocha Frapuccinos are expensive!
Foreign Language Majors/International
Students: Subtitles
- Let’s be honest: this would be more of a gift for everyone else.

Pre-Med Students: False Hope
- “Don’t worry! It only gets easier after you get into med school! Haven’t you ever seen Scrubs?”

Fraternity Members: Brokeback Mountain on
DVD
- This movie will teach them the true meaning of the word ‘bromance.’ After watching it once, they’ll wish they knew how to quit this movie too.

Philosophy Majors: Total Consciousness
- So they’ll have that goin’ for them, which is nice.

HOD/Education Majors: Respect
- I bet you thought I was going to say crayons. No, these guys and gals deserve a little respect. I mean, like, Peabody is, like, the top school in the country in its field. And that’s, like, really impressive and stuff. Plus, they write lots of papers which is, like, totally stressful.
But they aren’t opposed to use crayons as stocking stuffers, in case you were wondering.

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