God on Reading the Whole Bible

February 12, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Hi all! It’s me, God. The guy you all worship. I’m very excited to have this chance to talk to you, my loyal Christians.
First I’d like to clear up a few questions that you humans just can’t seem to stop asking: I, God, am a man. I always have been and I always will be. I have a penis, and it is magnificent. Also, Christianity is right. That’s the right religion. I don’t understand why anybody bothers with any others. Judaism I can kinda understand because they were right for centuries, but Eastern Religions? What is that? I never made a four armed anything, so you know Vishnu is just made up.
Alright, now that we have that out of the way, I’d like to start off my opinion section by reminding you folks of a little book that I published a few years back. You may have read it, it’s called “The Freaking Bible.”
Now I know that you, my Christian followers, are doing your best to obey all the teachings of the Bible. But it seems to me that over the last few years some key passages of the Bible have fallen out of the common vernacular. I’d like to begin my writing today by reminding you of a few of these passages, along with some common sense advice for how to obey them.

1) “Slaves, be subject to your masters with all reverence, not only to those who are good and equitable but also to those who are perverse.” (1 Peter 2:18)

Alright, this one is kinda jam packed but don’t worry, I’ll break it down for you. First of all, I have no problem with slavery. At all. As a matter of fact, I’m a fan. I mean why would I have created people if I didn’t want you guys to own each other? Furthermore, I don’t understand why slavery ever stopped being a thing. I made it very clear here that slaves are supposed to be obedient, even if they think their masters are wrong.

2) “Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord.” (Ephesians 5:22)

I’ll fully explain my feelings on women in a different story here, so for now I’ll just talk about marriage. A lot of folks out there view marriage as a partnership where man and wife join together as one to face the daily travails of their lives. Those people are wrong. It’s not a partnership. The man is in charge and the woman is there to serve him, much like a computer or a telephone.

3) “If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter into life maimed, rather than having two hands, to go to hell.” (Mark 9:43)

This one, quite frankly, I’m shocked that I have to explain it. How much clearer could I have been? When you sin with some part of your body, cut that part off so you won’t do it again. I’ve been watching men for years and almost all of you should be singing castrato right now. What’s the hold up, guys? Chop, chop! (Literally)

These are just three of the Bible Verses that I know you guys haven’t been obeying. I don’t want to hear any excuses, now; I just want you to start obeying them as soon as possible.
Now I’m not stupid. I know that there are plenty of people out there who are going to see this article and try to tell you things like “The aim of the Bible is salvation. The Bible accomplishes this aim by imparting salvation truths. If the Bible contains any other manner of truth (like scientific, mathematical or historical truth) then that is nice, but not necessary. So there is no need for Christians to take every word of the Bible literally, only for them to use the Bible as a way of understanding the truth of salvation” Or maybe they’ll say “The Bible may have been inspired by God but it was certainly written by men so to truly understand the Bible one must take in to account the social, historical and political context in which it was written.”
Let me be clear though: people who say these things are wrong. They are wrong for the same reason that everything in the Bible is right: because I said so.

Filed Under: Advice, Articles, Opinion

Interview with Adam Mansbach

November 24, 2011 By

INTRO:

Every then and again, The Slant takes a break from its usual satirical toil, steps out of its cubicle in the Laughter Highrise, and chit-chats with other funny folks around the water cooler while still managing to remain looking industrious. These are the idle talks from which legends are born.

This week, we took a page, quite literally, out of the new book from author Adam Mansbach and told our baby Slants to Go the Fuck to Sleep. We found this mantra to be so effective with our own children that we decided to get to know Mansbach a little bit better, attempting to figure out why he’s the cool guy at the office and we’re still stuck in our small office space filling out those vaguely-relevant TPS reports.

Mansbach’s most recent book, Go the Fuck to Sleep, is a #1 New York Times bestseller and one of the most talked-about books of the decade. A viral sensation that shot to #1 on Amazon.com months before the book was even available for sale, it has been published in more than thirty languages, is forthcoming as a feature film from Fox 2000, and has been graced by the snake-abating voice of Samuel L. Jackson in audio-book form. Other major works by Mansbach include the novels The End of the Jews, Angry Black White Boy, and Shackling Water; the poetry collection genius b-boy cynics getting weeded in the garden of delights; and an anthology of original short stories he co-edited called A Fictional History of the United States With Huge Chunks Missing. Almost all of these works have won literary prizes.

Mansbach is the current New Voices Professor of Fiction at Rutgers University, the founding editor of the pioneering 1990s hip hop journal Elementary, and a frequent lecturer on college campuses across the country. His fiction and essays have appeared in The New York Times Book Review, New York Times Sunday Magazine, Esquire, GQ, The Times of London, The Believer, N+1, The Los Angeles Times, and on National Public Radio’s All Things Considered.

And, the dude’s got his own website in his own name. For more information, check him out at http://www.adammansbach.com. We wish we could be as cool as he is.

INTERVIEW:

1) You’re known for being satirical and obscenely honest, something we highly value here at The Slant. You’ve even been quoted before as saying, “One constant in my career is that I’ve always written the shit I’ve wanted to write,” and we strongly approve of this message. So, as a successful humorist, why do you find satire to be such a useful rhetorical and literary device, both in this “children’s book for adults” and in your other writings?
a. I think satire is useful to me because it allows you to pick up on the larger cues. The only piece of mine that I consider to be satire is Angry Black White Boy, and I’m trying to do a lot of things in that book. It’s a broad piece that deals with race and white privilege in society at large, and to do that, I think it’s useful to have characters who are fully fleshed out and three-dimensional set against the backdrops of people who are types, and satire allows you to do that, to sketch people in a way that sets them up to be taken down and taken apart. And, on the larger level, satire is useful to me because I can use humor to bring people to the table, get them laughing, and disarm them so that I can make my points more strongly. You can sort of lull people in with humor and then do what you need to do. It’s a good way to make serious points while making people laugh, hopefully.

2) Though the general answer may be obvious, what was the specific moment when you felt inspired to write Go the Fuck to Sleep? What exactly were you doing when the idea smacked you in the back of the head?
a. What happened was that I put my daughter to sleep one night and then I came downstairs and jokingly posted on Facebook that folks should be on the lookout for my forthcoming children’s book Go the Fuck to Sleep, and it was upon writing those words, basically, that I knew that I knew what that book was and I knew how to write it. I didn’t write it right away, but I knew as soon as I wrote [that post] that I was going to write [the book]. Seeing those words in print was the push. I guess the fact that I had a forum through which to make the joke helped, but I think it would have been the same thing had I made that joke to a group of friends. It wasn’t like people on Facebook were all like ‘Yeah, write it!,’ it was just that I sort of got my own ideas down on paper.

3) I’m still in college so I don’t have any kids. In fact, my friends and I have implemented a strict “no babies” policy for this stage of our lives. What should I fear about my future children? Were you this kind of kid for your own parents, and how did they handle it?
a. That they turn out to be Republicans. I’m lucky that I come from a family of writers, so my desire to be a writer, which could have been met with a lot of resistance – a lot of my friends who are writers were met with a lot of resistance from their parents – but my parents were like, ‘Yeah, that makes sense,’ and I got a lot of support from them.

4) What’s your daughter’s official opinion on being your muse? Are you paying her her due royalties, and is she investing them wisely?
a. That’s really something for her lawyers and my lawyers to work out.

5) Go the Fuck to Sleep has been so wildly successful that it reached #1 on Amazon’s bestseller list a month before its release and its movie rights have already been snatched up by 20th Century Fox. In the film version, who do you think would be enough of a badass to portray you, and why?
a. I would probably go with Bruce Willis. He’s my alter ego as far as actors are concerned.

6) Go the Fuck to Sleep was also further propelled into popularity because of the release of an audio-book version voiced by the purple light-sabered Jedi, the man who puts more pulp in fiction, Mr. Shaft himself, THE Samuel L. Jackson. How did you land that stroke of awesomeness, and what was it like getting to work with him?
a. It was fantastic. He’s really, really cool and has been really a pleasure the whole time. The audio book company reached out to him and he was already up on the book, he did it right away, and has been great to work with. We worked with him from a distance; he went in and recorded the audio book. I was supposed to go to the [David] Letterman taping where he read the book, but, unfortunately, I had my own gig at that time, so I haven’t yet met him in person. Probably the best email I’ve ever received was one from him. We were trying to use his likeness in the images of the children’s version we’re doing. They wanted to replace the father, who is me sneaking out of the room, with Jules Winnfield [from Pulp Fiction], and he was really into it. And the closing line of the email he sent me was ‘Y’all some cool mothafuckas,’ and I was like, that’s all I need right there. I’m done. Samuel L. Jackson just called me a cool mothafucka; I don’t need to accomplish anything else.

7) Since you’re something of a hip-hop expert, I have to ask, what is your favorite, current, above-ground hip-hop song? Why do you like it? Who made it? Do you think you could take him/her down in a rap battle?
a. Nate Marshall. I like all of Nate Marshall’s songs. I could definitely take him down on a basketball court or a wrestling match and probably also, yes, in an emcee battle as well. Nate was actually very helpful to me in a short story that I wrote about a year ago. He was my consultant on, umm, the effects of marijuana consumption by farm animals. I reached out to him because he’s in college, and I figured he knows stuff about how animals, you know Nate is a smart guy, so he happened to be on Facebook chat at a time when I really need to know what would happen to a goat that ate thirty pounds of marijuana. He was really helpful with that.

8) If you could give yourself any rap-name/stage-name/nickname, by which your family and friends would be required to call you no matter what, what would you call yourself and why?
a. Well, I have had a series of stage names over the years, and this is not so much hypothetical as a reality. The name that stuck with me the longest is ‘Kodiak Brinks,’ which a lot of my friends do call me by, but I’ve had others over the years as well. I went by ‘The High Plains Drifter’ for a while as an alias. Before that I was ‘Flipside Nefarious’ for many years. The story of why Kodiak Brinks has stuck dates back to the mid ‘90s when everybody, in the aftermath of the Wu-Tang Clan, was giving themselves these sort of monster-like names that sounded sort of quasi-plausible, but at the time it was kind of the thing to do. So, Kodiak Brinks was a name that was supposed to sound like it could possibly be a real name or cooler than most real names; that was kind of the idea.

9) If you could be any kitchen utensil, which one would you be and why?
a. I think I would probably be a chef’s knife. Wait, I’m in the car with my girlfriend and she suggested that I should be a lemon squeezer. Really? One of those two apparently.

10) Any final comments or cautionary tales you’d like to share with our readers and with anyone whom may have not read anything of yours yet? Basically, what would you want to tell our readers about yourself so that they will give you money by buying and either gifting or reading your books?
a. I would encourage Vanderbilt to bring me back to campus sometime very soon. It’s been a couple years since I’ve been there and I think it’s high time that y’all bring me back out. I would be happy to provide a live reading of Go the Fuck to Sleep.

Filed Under: Advice, Articles, Culture

Keith Stone Doesn’t Know Who You Are

November 12, 2011 By

Dear readers,
I wanted to apologize for not writing an article in the last Slant issue. I was blacked out all last month and don’t recall much of what I did. I’ve heard some stories about what happened and to say the least I am very impressed with myself. Who knew a person’s head could take so much abuse? If anyone could shed some light on the rest of my life last month it would be much appreciated.
Anyways I accidentally went to class on Wednesday and on my way there I heard people in front of me talking about Greek life on campus. I got really excited and was about to join in on their conversation when one of them said that they hated all the frat guys and the whole frat scene. I was taken aback because who doesn’t love the frat scene here? Honestly I don’t know who you are. I thought the other would reject that statement but then the other person responded that they hated the frats too because we are so exclusive and hate intellectuals. I was like who are these people? Seriously I have no idea who these people are. They are talking about my friends and me but I don’t think I have ever seen them in my life. I thought that maybe these were rushes that had been cut at another frat but when I asked everyone else they said that they had never seen them either.
My first thought was that this was just an anomaly but then as I continued walking to class I heard more people talking about the frats and how exclusive and judgmental we are. I was like excuse me, you are the ones that are being judgmental and better question who the fuck are all these people. Apparently we have an outbreak of people on campus who don’t have lives or collared shirts both of which are huge character flaws. I’ve never even heard of you, let alone met you. I have absolutely no idea who you are or where you came from all I know is that you seem like you need to have a beer and lighten up. Honestly who the fuck talks about a group of people that have no impact on their lives, I guess they do, but I’m still not sure who they are. Sitting around bitching about a group of people that have absolutely no idea who you are instead of being productive just sounds like a shitty time. Who the fuck does that? Anyone know, cause I don’t know? Honestly we are having way too much fun partying, having fun, and being awesome to care what you think about us. Instead of bitching about us maybe you should take a look at yourselves, whoever you are.
I don’t know if you know this, or for that matter if you know anything because until a few days ago I did not know of your existence, but the fact that I don’t know who you are means you are doing shit with your life. I pretty much know everyone that is important on campus because if you know me then you automatically become important. Other people will know you at least as my friend, which is more than they know about you right now. I’ve had enough drunken wanderings on campus that at this point if I don’t know who you are you literally have no life. If you did I would have met you. Not only does the fact I don’t know you mean you suck but it also means you’re a worthless dick hole who will die sad and lonely knowing you could have been one of the greats or at least someone that met me. Which in most places can be used on a resume.
Because who the fuck are y’all? We the Fucking best.

Filed Under: Advice, Articles, Opinion

Email Etiquette

October 24, 2011 By

Dear Jackasses Out in the World Who Failed to Learn How to Write an Email Properly,

It’s pretty damn similar to composing a letter on paper with a pen! I have no idea where all your enigmatic, vague, and un-purposefully formatted bits of text have come from, but you need to stop writing them and begin abusing the backspace button immediately.
Maybe the abbreviated word “electronic” just makes you skittish and forgetful of that composing etiquette you learned back in, I don’t know, the 5th grade. Maybe you have nightmares about keyboards angrily fondling you in retaliation. Maybe you’re just overwhelmingly lazy. Really though, it’s only a few extra keystrokes up front that can save you and me both from hours of textual confusion, slurs spewed at each other’s mothers, and conflict resolution later.
Letter writers the world over have used a pretty standard format for their correspondences for generations, and your emails are no different. Hence, for my layout-challenged readers out there, here’s a simple blueprint that’ll make you appear to be a human composing a literate message rather than a psych-study monkey erratically banging on a keyboard whenever he gets a brain-impulse shock from a sadistic researcher.
First, enter something into the goddamn subject line! It may sound like a stupid idea at first, but maybe you, or perhaps the recipient, might want to find this email once again. Whenever I see a vacant subject line, I know what I instantly think: “Well, this person surely doesn’t give a shit about whatever he just sent me. Delete.”
Second, use an opening greeting. Something as simple as “Hey, Sally,” or something as sophisticated as “Dear Piece of Shit Who Got My Daughter Pregnant,” really makes it clear to whom your message is addressed. Tone is very important in this section; it’s the first impression the recipient will have of you as a literate human. Also, in the event that your email lands in the wrong inbox, the other person may know to whom to forward your message as they may have double-teamed her.
Third, your email should actually have a coherent point contained somewhere within its body. If necessary, employ the “10-second rule” – as you would before speaking aloud – and think of the purpose of your message before you begin to create it. Your rambles not only confuse me, but also anger me, and I am thus inclined to do exactly the opposite of whatever I discerned you were attempting to request of me, simply out of spite and to humor myself.
Fourth, close the email. Like the opening salutation, this can be as quick or as thoughtful as you so desire. For example, “Your best friend forever” is standard fare in sorority girl phony lingo, but “Looking forward to your child support checks for the next 18 years, you bastard,” is equally as memorable.
Fifth, sign your own name. It’s not like you’ve grown familiar with it over the past 18+ years of your existence or anything. If you’re extremely lazy or stupid, Gmail allows you to create a signature that does it for you, but you need to take the initiative and actually make one instead of just expecting it to spontaneously engender itself. Nicknames are also permissible, but only if the recipient is familiar with said nickname. For example, referring to yourself as “The God of Anal Sex” when emailing your mother about returning home for Thanksgiving is risky unless you’re from Arkansas.
There are few exceptions to these guidelines.
My 70-something-year-old granny has an excuse. She still takes dictated notes in secretarial shorthand. She still has an operable ancient-school IBM computer from the first round of personal desktop computers, and she mostly uses it to play floppy-disk versions of Wheel of Fortune and Scrabble. Email still sort of scares her to the point where she won’t write one unless someone else is supervising, and even then it’s just one giant box of text.
But you are not 70-something years old. You grew up surrounded by this shit and suckled the digital tit as soon as you left your mother’s. You have ten agile fingers, a program that can type up your dictation or a sexy secretary named Consuela. So the next time you write an email to your friends, family, or me, remember your email etiquette; it may be your only opportunity to appear to be a respectable human being until you and the recipient finally meet face-to-face. Then you’re just fucked because you have no chance for revising and sugar-coating what you really want to say.

Valediction.

Justin

Filed Under: Advice, Articles, Opinion

A Freshman’s Guide to Eating Alone

September 4, 2011 By

If you are using this paper to appear less sad for eating alone on the first floor of the Commons, congratulations, you are already showing the instinct and prowess of a high level Destitute Diner. In the near future, you’ll be ready for headphone clad lunches at Grins and laptop companioned dinners at Central library (I think that place has a real name now, but I’m far too lazy to look it up). Give it a few weeks, and you’ll be ready for your ultimate challenge, Rand Brunch.
If you are not the person above, have no fear, below are several guidelines on how to add a mysterious air to your previously just depressing demeanor. Oh, and if you are one of those assholes for which the orientation process works, and the past two weeks is all the time you needed to create a good size flock of best friends, congrats on your social success. Really. I love it. Feel free to read this in order to feel the superiority you oh so rightly deserve.
Tip One: First of all, get over yourself. No one is too good to muchie. Ever.
Tip Two: Don’t look around for people you know. The getting up half-way though a meal to join people you sort of know is always sadder than eating alone the whole time. You’re better than that, let them flock to you.
Tip Three: To avoid shifty –eyed sadness, bring a distraction. This may seem self explanatory, but the item that you chose says a lot about why you are eating alone. For example, messing around on your iPhone sends the message that you’ve been either a) stood up, and without proper ammunition for a single meal or b) too confidant in your assurance that you’ll just know someone that happens to be in CT West. A novel says “I do this often, and am in fact so bourgeois I look forward to eating my vegan soup from Grins and enlightening myself daily.” Finally, a laptop means you have a lot of responsibility and friends; they’re just not here right now. Or, what’s usually the case with me, you’re on Netflix.
Tip Four: Look like you’re in a hurry. By checking your watch and looking impatient, it gives the impression that you’re not eating alone because you have no friends, but instead because you must in order to keep up with your busy schedule. If you could, you would just make yourself a robot (or a Theta) and nix that eating thing all together.
Tip Five: Mix it up. Avoid becoming a regular. If they know your name without looking at your card, it’s time for a change. If they notice you’ve been showing up later recently, it’s time for a change. And if they already have the cup of chicken noodle soup ready with “Jess” written on it when you arrive, dear lord, it’s time for a change.
Tip Six: Use your misfortunes to become the cool kid who knows all the off campus places. For the first three months of school, I considered Qdoba an adventure into the unknown. Then, suddenly abandoned on fall break by both friends and the comfort of the Munchie Mart, I took to the streets to eat in abandon on a much larger scale!
Where to go: Grins, Rand (at dinner, not lunch), the café in Central (okay, I’m not even going to pretend that I’m not writing this alone there right now. Please up the judgment about my previously established laziness), Last Drop.
Avoid: CT West/ Quiznos, Commons first floor (upstairs, however, is usually frequented by the lonely), Rand anytime that isn’t dinner, The Pub (though you may want to risk it just to see if you can get a booth to yourself)
So, go forth and conquer young ones. Don’t let the absence of companionship keep you from enjoying all the culinary art Vanderbilt has to offer. Just remember, you are now part of the Vanderbilt family now, and just like your family at home, the best meals are often shared in awkward silence while staring at the TV.

Filed Under: Advice, Articles

Gospel of Mark, Volume VII: 7th Heaven, Better Than the First Six

April 21, 2011 By

Welcome to the seventh and final edition of The Gospel According to Mark. In this section, I’ll be answering all of your questions with the wisdom I’ve garnered from over twenty-two whole years on this earth. So, sit back and prepare to fill your brain-hole with my knowledge. Don’t like it? Just remember, no means yes, and yes means anal.

Dear Mark,
Why am I not doing my homework right now?
Signing off,
Pissed-Off Procrastinator

Dear Typical College Student,
The answer to this question is the same as the answer to the question, “Why did the dinosaurs die out?” No, it’s not because you touch yourself at night. It’s because a giant, cataclysmic asteroid struck the earth, causing a thick layer of ash to propagate into the atmosphere. This, in turn, blocked out sunlight, which caused plants to die, thereby severely limiting the earth’s oxygen supply, in addition to creating a prolonged winter period. The lack of oxygen and the intense freezing cold killed off the dinosaurs as well as any motivation to do homework.

Dear Mark the Omniscient,
Is it true that if you don’t use it, you lose it?
Sincerely,
Prudish Prof

Dear Yep It’s True,
As with any budget surplus, if you don’t use it, you will lose it. If I’ve learned anything from The Office (or more specifically its “The Surplus” episode), it’s that a surplus must be spent, otherwise you will have to run a lemonade stand. Wait, that doesn’t make sense. I can’t really remember too well. Let’s reason this through. Oscar’s explanation had something to do with lemonade, so I feel like that part is right. Maybe it’s, “otherwise you will have to drink so much lemonade you end up peeing everywhere.” No, that doesn’t sound right either. “Otherwise you have to buy new office equipment”? Well, whatever, the point is yes, you have to use it if you don’t want to lose it.

Dear Mark the Omniscient,
Which seat can I take?
Yours forever and ever,
Nefarious Nelly

Dear Indecisive Bastard,
I couldn’t decide whether I should berate you for your Friday reference or for your use of “can,” so I’m going to do neither. Instead, I’m going to debate the merits of partyin’ and looking forward to the weekend. Ha! See what I did there? No, I’m not going to do that either. Fooled you guys! Man, I’m funny. What I’m really going to do is fully expound upon the ordering of the days of the week. OHHH, DOUBLE FAKE OUT! You guys are making this too easy for me. But seriously, have you considered taking the only open seat? No? Well, now you have. Maybe now you can finally stop asking that stupid-ass question. Bitch.

If you have a question of your own that you would like to have passed through the mental bowels of Mark the Omniscient, well then you’re shit out of luck. This is my last column, and as such I feel like I’m supposed to give you some sort of heartwarming, sentimental, and possibly inspirational statement. I can’t really think of anything though, so I’ll leave you with this. When in Rome. When in Rome.

Filed Under: Advice, Articles, Featured Tagged With: , , ,

Gospel of Mark Volume 6: I Said What What, In the Butt

March 27, 2011 By

Welcome to the sixth edition of The Gospel According to Mark, now officially the longest running advice column written by a person named Mark in Slant history. In this section, I’ll be answering all of your questions with the wisdom I’ve garnered from over twenty-two whole years on this earth. So, sit back and prepare to fill your brain-hole with my knowledge. Feels good, doesn’t it?

Dear Mark the Omniscient,

My boyfriend and I have been dating forever. He’s definitely “The One.” I met him at a movie theater three weeks ago and haven’t been away from him since! He’s very sweet and playful, always teasing me about being his favorite stalker. I know he loves it though! So, how do I get him to pop the question?

Yours,
Stalking in Seattle

Dear Matrix Enthusiast,

It’s a proven fact that men can never disagree with anything a woman says when she’s topless. So, all you have to do is be topless and then very overtly hint that he should ask you to marry him. Insist that he goes and buys the ring immediately, so he won’t have the chance to change his mind. Granted, you’ll have to follow him (topless) until he actually buys the ring and proposes. That may lead to some awkward situations in public thanks to prude, cop assholes. But you know what? That’s what love is. Following someone around topless.

Have a happy marriage!

Dear Mark the Omniscient,

How can I get my parents to give me more
Commodore Cash?

Yours always and forever,
Splendiferous Sam

Dear Kid Who Probably Doesn’t Know That You Can’t Spend Commodore Cash on Porn,

Tricking your parents into giving you more Commodore Cash is as easy as coming up with a fake charity organization that you can launder money through into your Vandy account. As it turns out, that’s not very easy at all, and I have no clue how to do it. Here’s something else you can do: work the street corner. It’s super easy as long as you don’t have any of that “dignity” or “respect for oneself” stuff.

Dear Mark the Omniscient,

Help! I’m stuck on top of Wesley Place Garage! I saw the Vandy Van pass by about 35 minutes ago and haven’t seen it since. I’m probably fucked. How do I get down?

Sincerely,
Doesn’t Want To Jump

Dear You’re Going to Have to Jump,

I think you’re going to have to jump.

If you have a question of your own that you would like to have passed through the mental bowels of Mark the Omniscient, address an email to mto.theslant@gmail.com and see if Mark will answer your question in our next issue.

Filed Under: Advice, Articles Tagged With: , , , ,

How to Get Faster Service at Café Coco

March 2, 2011 By

So, you’ve somehow made it to spring break with meal money left over, but you can’t handle any more fro-yo from Yogurt Oasis, and the idea of another Qdoba burrito makes you puke a little in your mouth. You’re craving something new—and I have the place for you. Toss that Randwich, hop on your fixed gear bike and head on over to the land of opportunity – my number one source for hippy dippy bagels and homemade cream sodas, and the only place I can read Pitchfork in public: Café Coco.
If your friends are anything like mine, they get pissed when you want to go to Café Coco. The employees are assholes, they say, and someone in your party might grow a beard or graduate before your food is served. But I reassure you, your friends have been misguided. Getting passable service at Coco might be a rarity, but with a few tricks, it’s more than possible.
I’ve mastered the art of getting my food at Coco in nanoseconds, and you can too. A successful Café Coco experience starts before you leave your dorm room—toss on a cardigan and Oxfords before heading over, and you’ll instantly cut your wait time by upwards of five minutes. Gentlemen, wear that too-tight Arcade Fire shirt in the back of your closet, and you might even get to skip line.
But the real artistry comes when you approach the establishment. First, if you can manage to reek of cigarette smoke, this will work in your advantage. Don’t smoke? I don’t either—just hang around the patio for a couple minutes and voila, sultry Eau de American Spirit will emanate from your pores.
Once you’ve made it to the line at the register, you need to commit—if you really want that grilled cheese at light speed, you’re going to have to swallow your pride and shamelessly name-drop as much indie bullshit as humanly possible. You basically have free reign with this one, but act with caution: talking loudly about your Bonnaroo ticket will get you points, but don’t you dare admit you’re excited to see Eminem or your ass will be hungrier than most villages tonight. If you’re feeling risky, play some hipster Mad Lib and try inventing bands to mention in line. But play it smart and grant yourself some fire insurance by following every article-adjective-noun combination with some variant of “oh, you’ve probably never heard of them.”
Still worried you’re just too mainstream to convince those Coco employees? Suck it up and spend that time productively—order your food, go run a 10k, or play a good game of Monopoly and make it back to Café Coco just in time to chow down. Better yet, use that wait time to run down to Central Library and check out a copy of Kerouac’s On the Road to read at your table. Instant and endless drink refills will be your reward.
Knowledge is power, my friends, and the power of the Café Coco experience is now at your fingertips. Once I learned the ropes, Café Coco became my personal savior. The place is always open, so it’s like a Room of Requirement to complement my hellacious Hogwarts-like experience on The Commons. If I’m hungry and Grins isn’t open to cater to my tender quasi-vegetarian sensibilities, Café Coco will welcome me with open arms. Drunk and sexiled at 2 AM on a Saturday night? Café Coco has a place for you. Need somewhere to study? Hike over to Coco and bask in the pseudo-intellectual banter surrounding you on all sides; you’ll get smarter through osmosis. And every time I’m reminded that my philosophy degree is going to effectively flat line my chances of garnering any job involving dignity, those aforementioned assholes behind the counter at Café Coco will give me an empathetic shoulder to cry on.
That being said, Café Coco’s most redeeming aspect is still its menu. There’s something for everybody, and everything is good. I personally recommend the Greek goddess salad, but you could honestly throw darts at the menu and land on something satisfying. Finally, Café Coco keeps PBR on tap unlike other restaurants on the card where you might be forced to settle for something that doesn’t taste like horse piss. Café Coco? More like Café Broco. (Ironic, huh?)

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The Single Man’s Advice for Disgustingly Affectionate Couples

March 2, 2011 By

It’s springtime! It’s warming up, the birds are chirping, and most importantly, the hormones are pumping. Every year, the rush of warm air seems to herald a rise in, shall we say, extracurricular bonding. This bonding always results in an equally powerful rush of cynicism among those people without significant others. So, in an attempt to circumvent this frustration, I’m going to outline exactly what it is you annoying couples do to royally piss off the single people. Don’t worry; I’ll keep my sarcasm in check. Mostly.
First of all, Facebook is not a means for you to express your undying devotion via quizzes and status updates. It’s great to know that you’re both in Hufflepuff, and the fact that you’re in the same Vampire Mafia guild is just peachy. But frankly, Facebook easily deludes the weak of mind (you) into thinking that the rest of the world gives a damn. Watching you two exchange statuses about each other is about as nauseating to singles as walking into Stevenson is for HOD majors. And yes, both experiences carry that slight tinge of personal failure.
Secondly, keep your gropefests out of public places. I’ll give you a pass at parties, mainly because it’s hilarious to watch you try and find third base (Hint: It’s not on her elbow, dumbass). But when I’m busy working in the Library, I really don’t need to hear you two getting busy. Seriously, I had to intervene at the Peabody Library the other day, and I swear there was an audible crack when the exuberant couple detached.
Thirdly, and most importantly, keep it out of the showers. I cannot stress this enough. I refuse to use two of the three showers on my hall for reasons best left unsaid. Suffice it to say that 8:30 in the morning is the single worst time of the day to walk in and hear what I heard coming from the shower. What’s worse, that shower had the best water pressure of the lot. Damn inconsiderate to soil not only my peace of mind regarding the state of the men’s bathroom but also take away the best part of my morning routine. Now I’m stuck with the shower whose temperature fluctuates somewhere between “raging fires of hell” and “colder than my ex’s shoulder.”
It’s that general asshole behavior that really pisses us single folk off and gives us a mass dose of bitterness every spring. So, the next time you find yourself with a pretty girl on your arm and a warm shower on your mind, don’t. Just don’t.

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Alternatives to Spring Break and Alternative Spring Break

February 26, 2011 By

So, spring break is finally upon us, and you don’t have plans. Maybe you forgot. Maybe you procrastinated. Maybe you were planning to go to Ft. Lauderdale with your roommate, but the selfish bastard decided to go to Myrtle Beach with his girlfriend. Maybe you’re regretting the day you told those pushy Alternative Spring Break kids to shove their alternative “work during spring break” propaganda up their alternative asses. Whatever your story is, you don’t have to worry. Through these suggestions you’ll be sure to have a spring break you won’t be embarrassed to tell your kids about.
Stay on Campus
So all of your friends left for a week? Big deal! The campus is yours, my friend. Do you know what kind of crazy shit you can get into when you don’t have fellow students encouraging those pesky inhibitions? Ride your bike all over the bridge. Direct rude gestures toward any of the sculptures or statues on campus. Hell, go to one of your empty classes, sit it in your usual seat, and scream everything you feel to that chalkboard that represents your professor. Passive aggressive, yes, but at least you won’t be the only one who says he didn’t rage during the break.
Go Home
Admit it, you miss Mom and Dad. Trust me when I say they miss you too. So what if they haven’t called you in weeks? So what if your mom never “officially” invited you back? You should definitely grace your hometown with your impressive, higher education presence. While you’re at it, visit your old high school. Those miserable bastards still have school this week. Regale them with tales of that awesome party that the police showed up to in Towers. By the end of the week, you’ll feel so great about yourself. I mean, who cares if you’re not getting shit-faced with your friends, at least someone thinks you’re cool.
Go to Someone Else’s Home
Basically, #2 applies here too. But there’s that added sense of excitement, a little danger, and the possibility of getting thrown in jail that every good spring break trip must have.
Go to Church?
Um, yeah… going to church can be cool. I mean, don’t forget that spring break is usually around to celebrate Easter or something. Though Easter’s not on this particular week, there’s this thing called Ash Wednesday in the Catholic Church. I’m pretty sure incense is involved. So, you have that hallucinogen factor. You can make the whole experience your own. What’s a better way to say “Jesus defeated the gladiators…or something. Let’s party!!!” than to show up to mass with a keg and glow sticks? And hey, if you get some sweet pictures of yourself actually attending the service, you may actually be able to hide your atheism from your mom.
Panic!!!!
Okay, so you really want to have a good spring break! You can’t believe that you don’t have anything planned! How are you supposed to keep your head high this semester when you did absolutely nothing memorable for spring break? It’s okay. Calm down. You know Jeff from your calculus class? Yea, Jeff. That’s the guy who told that one funny joke about integrals at the beginning of the semester. Jeff is hilarious. Maybe you heard that her and some of his frat brothers are going to Gatlinburg this week. Gatlinburg! Oh, that place is great. They have pancake houses and the world’s largest adult store and stuff. Beg, plead with Jeff to go. You can’t spend this break alone, man. You just can’t. Do anything in your power to convince him that you are worthy of going. Or maybe the ASB-ers need an extra hand. You can carry bags or something. It doesn’t mater what you do, just do something!

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