Recently, I’ve seen a lot of books out there giving advice to adults on how to be a good parent and how to raise your kids to become good citizens.  I say screw all of that.  Who would you rather your son be – Screech Powers or Tupac Shakur?  Would you rather your son grow up to play a pansy’s sport like Polo or Golf, or would you rather him be a bonafide NFL-bound thug?  Think about it.  With that said, I’m here to provide some advice to the REAL parents out there – the parents who provide us with entertaining characters such as Donte “drunk driving is more fun than sober driving” Stallworth, Michael “Clifford the big red dog scared me” Vick, and, last, but CERTAINLY not least, Lindsay “Man Coke is AWESOME and girls are too!” Lohan.

1.  Beat your kids.

Seriously, if you beat your kids, they’ll hate you.  95% of kids’ problems stem from the resentment that they have against their parents.  They do drugs and have random sex because they use those acts as an outlet for the anger they have towards their parents.  Let’s keep that up, bad parents of the world.  Beat your kids.  Teach them that YOU’RE the boss.  Next time he says “But daddy, I want another ice cream!” don’t say yes or no…hell, don’t even respond.  Just punch him in the face and teach him a lesson that you do NOT mess with the man.  Bonus points for crying, double bonus points if you beat them for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

2.  What you don’t know…only hurts them, not you.

If you’re not around, your kids can do whatever they want.  Kids who are given way too much freedom tend to misbehave.  We wouldn’t have excellent role models such as Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian if parents didn’t give their kids a bit more leeway.  So just let them do whatever they want.  Ignore them.  Hell, skip their birthday parties, and just go out and party it up.  Shoot up on smack if you want, just leave your kids alone.  And if you give your kids too much freedom and they still behave, refer to step number 1 up there.

3.  Traumatize them.

You gotta mess up their minds, man.  Not just make them feel bad, or resent you, you have to raise them to have a view of the world that doesn’t fall in line with common human understanding.  I’m talking about something so big that they’ll never be able to recover from.  You might be thinking “so…do I starve them, or something?”  While that MIGHT work, that’s just being cheap.  If you want your kids to turn out right, you gotta spend the extra money.  I’m talking about things such as hiring R. Kelly or Michael Jackson (cross out Michael Jackson) or Kobe Bryant to babysit them, or giving them crack as a cold remedy.  Something to really screw up what’s going on up in their heads.

4.  And lastly, you have to fight fire with fire.

Some people think the key to parenting is to be nice and understanding to your kids.  Not a chance.  The true way to be a parent is to dish out twice as much as you get.  Screw that, make it ten times.  Punishment is proven to be effective in helping kids learn.  If your kid whines about not having enough food, feed him a plate of nuts and bolts from ACE Hardware.  If your kid doesn’t do well in school, act like you’re so dumb that you don’t understand what he/she is saying, and then he/she will cry.  If your kid wants a video game, you respond by ignoring your kid and playing Modern Warfare 2 for the next six hours.  The world is your oyster.

Just be creative.  If you want your kid to contribute to society like Pacman Jones, you have to raise them with a bit of flair.  The set of instructions above is guaranteed to give them a push in the right direction.  Pretty soon, your kid will end up in some sort of detention facility, and that’s when you’ll know you’re on your way to being a parent of a loved member of society like Tiger Woods.

Plus, you wouldn’t want your kid to grow up to be some sissy doctor or lawyer or engineer, would you?  Then follow the steps above, and in no time you’ll find yourself rolling in the money.  Best of luck to you all, and I hope to see your kids in jail soon!