Nine, Nine, Nine, Nine, Nine, Nine, Nine, Nine, Nine. That’s nine fucking Nines. Have you been in the Tower’s rape tunnel lately? All it is fucking 9’s all over the fucking place. 9 fucking here, 9 fucking there, 9 fucking everywhere. What the fuck happened to ten? That’s a goddamn round number. Sure, you can take the fucking square root of nine, but that’s fucking worthless. That’s fucking 3. Fuck 3’s. Do you know what the square root of ten is? Me neither…
What are these Nines for? When someone is getting their rocks off down in the tunnel, is nine supposed to remind them of how small their dick is? Is it symbolic of half the digits of a 69 in that we’re forever alone? As I sat in this tunnel contemplating the meanings of these Nines staring at me from each and every surface, I looked down at my feet and saw the case of Pabst Blue Ribbon I was carrying with me. Then I realized, “THAT”S HOW MUCH FUCKING BEER I’M SUPPOSED TO DRINK TONIGHT!” I got in the elevator to my suite on the ninth floor and drank nine beers with nine friends and watched channel nine as I played nines games of beer fucking pong in our 9 foot by 9 foot living room at nine o’ clock.
I turned 9 on 9/9/99. The fateful day the Sega Dreamcast was unleashed upon America. Life was never the same. I played Sonic Adventure 9 times until 9 months later, Dreamcast was worth $9. I was an outcast forever cursed by these number nines. It wasn’t until 2009 that I could go outside without feeling ashamed of myself.
Now that I’m sober, and a few days have passed since my first draft of this article, I am going to sincerely say thank you and congratulations to the cast and crew of Nine. I would’ve said it nine times, but the word limit wasn’t 999.
Viral Ads for VOB Musical Cause Existential Crisis
1337 Corner: League of Legends
The sun rises over the Fields of Justice; the mist from the bushes rising higher and higher. Scattered over the ground lay the decomposing bodies of hundreds of minions. Suddenly everything vanishes. A booming voice announces, “Welcome to Summoners Rift.” The bodies are gone. Five champions appear on either side of the map. Welcome… to the League of Legends.
As any twelve year old who hasn’t discovered masturbation will tell you, free online games are great. League of Legends is made by Riot games and is freely available to anyone who can left-click. I was debating describing the gameplay here, but this is The Slant after all, so I’m going to briefly go over a few ways to be a total asshole to everyone else playing – which is the best part, right?
1) Each game begins by choosing a team of five players. During the champion selection make it known to your team how bad the character they’re choosing to play is. You don’t even need to know how the player’s champion works, just say, “You must be a noob, only noobs play XXX” (insert character name here). This is the first opportunity to demoralize.
2) Don’t lock in your character. In the famous words of Kenny Powers, “make ‘em wait.” This is especially effective when the opposing team immediately chooses all of their characters and is ready to start. No, no they’re not ready. They’re gonna wait another 70 seconds.
3) Backdoor. Choose Master Yi as your champion. Only build attack speed items, and choose teleport as your summoner spell. When your team initiates a large fight, immediately teleport to a different lane and push a tower on the other side of the map. If you fail, you piss your team off. If you succeed, you piss the other team off. Win-win situation.
4) Lag is when your internet connection freaks out and decides not to work all of the time. Blame everything wrong that happens on lag. This is self-explanatory. Also it may actually happen.
5) TyPe l1k3 thi5. 4ll 7h3 t1M3
6) Play as Soraka. Soraka is by far the worst champion in the game. She is annoying to even be around. It does all the work for you!
7) Play as Teemo. While not a terrible character, at level 6 he gains the ability to lay mushroom traps all over the map. Don’t even worry about pushing a lane or fighting – just drop these mushrooms EVERYWHERE. The other team will LOVE you.
Following this advice, you can expect to make celibate twelve year olds ragequit and make lonely teens decide to look at porn instead.
As a final note, if you want to play with The Slant, add the summoner names RexCo, SomalianTitstorm, NigerianSundae, and notsam to your friends list.
Rites Done Right
Every year a two day festival occurs at Vanderbilt University. The Rites of Spring music festival gathers artists such as Passion Pit, Lil Jon, The Flaming Lips, and Wolfmother for two days of music to close out the semester. Students have an intricate selection process of suggesting bands to come perform on Alumni Lawn. But the real fun comes in when you select the real star of the show, the six little cans of alcoholic happiness you can carry in with you.
Sure the most common route to RoS blissful memory loss is the heavy pregame, come down, then post game blackout. But to preserve that almost blackout buzz you have to be smart about what you take in with you. Old Chub, an 8% alcohol Ale, comes in six packs of 12 oz. cans for 10 bucks at frugals. However if you want to save some cash and have your beer to taste like watered down dog piss you could go the route of Natural Ice, pulling in at 5.9% alcohol. A case of 24, “NIce’s” can be picked up for $13.29. If you’re trying to earn some hipster cred you could show up with six Pabst blue ribbons and complain loudly about how much better Phoenix was in 2005. Coming in at 5% ABV $16.49 for a case of 24 you’ll be able to make some new friends with bad facial hair and tight pants.
For the rest of us who can’t bring in little bottles of happiness with us, we need to plan ahead. Look at the schedule and determine which shows you want to halfway remember. Now when you start drinking remember that your body processes about one to one and a half drinks an hour. For example if Cold War kids isn’t really your thing but the song 1901makes you dance uncontrollably you can afford to be blackout until 9:30 on Friday night. So you start drinking Friday afternoon. When you get to the level where your face is tingly and everything is slightly recognizable stop and look at the clock. For each hour you have until 9:30 you can have one shot or one beer. You’ll be able to remember the concert in the morning and as soon as Phoenix’s setlist is over you can grab a beer from a frat boy’s cooler and work back towards that memory less abyss.
This article is moot if you want to experience Rites over. In which case you’re a bitch.
