Two men doing their weekly loads of laundry at the Wishy Wash Laundromat were made exceedingly uncomfortable Wednesday as one of them pointed out an awkward moment which otherwise would have been laughed off or forgotten right away.

Ángel Arroyo Garcia was moving his clothes from the washing machine to the dryer late last night. Space was tight at the Wishy Washy, and Ángel is no small man. Bending over to pick up his sock, Ángel graced butts with another launderer who was also bending over to pick up something at the adjacent machine.
Ángel barely noticed it and was moving on with his laundry when the other man, whom we have been unable to identify, turned to Ángel and mumbled “that was awkward. Heh,” laughing nervously.

Ángel told The Slant that he hadn’t been feeling that the situation was awkward at all until the other guy had the guts to point it out. At that point, “just like Adam and Eve realizing they were naked,” Ángel says, his eyes were opened and he realized how awkward the situation was.

Onlookers sympathized with Ángel; we were able to speak with Ángel’s other laundry machine-neighbor who witnessed the incident.
Pierre Washington gave us his take on the situation. “I didn’t think anything at the time, you know, accidents happen! But when a brother points out that he butt-touched another brother, there’s no makin’ that NOT gay.”

Another Wednesday-night launderer who was present at the scene said the awkwardness was so thick she could cut it with a knife. “Yeah, I get how he did it. Sometimes when I’m talking to some guy, there’s a little pause in the conversation. He’s probably just drawing a breath or something, but I usually just say ‘umm, this is awkward’ or something, to fill the silence you know, and it always gets way more awkward when I point it out. Poor guy…”

Ángel, who had been in the middle of moving a Tapout t-shirt from the washer to the dryer, said his whole night became more awkward after the incident.
“Honestly I didn’t even know what he was talking about at first. I had moved on, but he had to remind me about how our butts touched. I was just thinking ‘really? You bother noticing things like that?’ and it got a lot weirder.”
According to Ángel, the awkward-inducing man finished folding his clothes and scurried off soon after that, but his seemingly innocuous comment left Ángel feeling awkward for the rest of the night.
If the man had said nothing, witnesses agree, the situation would have been barely noticeable. But by pointing out the awkwardness, all he did was irrevocably plunge the two men into homoerotic silence for the rest of their time together.

Ángel concluded, “All I know is, I’m switching laundry day to Monday. I can’t stand to see that guy around anymore.”

Controversy has been rising among parents in California recently over a new law which requires children to be stamped if they were manufactured in a facility which processes peanuts and some other nut products.

Despite the discomfort for the stamped children, the law is purported to have saved several lives already. Ten peanut allergy-related deaths on average are reported each year in the state of California, mostly among children, and this extra warning serves to keep allergic children away from those who might cause a reaction.

The wording of the law may be a euphemism, but make no mistake: this law targets children whose parents conceived them during a sexual encounter in some sort of food production facility which handles peanut products.
Believed at first to be a ridiculous law, surprising numbers of parents have been admitting their strange choices of location and bringing in their children to be tattooed.

Self-proclaimed legumophile Mary Rollins came forward, proud of where she chose to conceive her second son, John. “Me an’ [my husband] Herschel grew up on the same block as the Jif plant. It was only natural we found a comfy spot in the storeroom, unlidded ourselves a few jars of PB and got busy.”
With respect to her child, Mary said, “sure, he loves it! The kids call him Johnny Cashew at school.”

Other parents weren’t so nuts about the idea. Grace Polizzi had to withdraw her daughter from school, thanks to incessant bullying from other children: “I didn’t want my daughter to have to bear a scarlet letter for my crime—just for getting it on in a Mr. Goodbar factory. Ever since they stamped her neck with that allergy warning, she’s been coming home crying about guys offering to show her their nuts.”

Fourteen-year-old Victor Dopico also has it tough. There is only one food production facility in his town which handles peanuts—and it’s an oily little candy shoppe in a decrepit shack at the edge of town, managed by a convicted paraplegic sex offender.
The awkwardness torments him every day, as he is confronted with the reality of the kind of company his mother kept every time he looks in the mirror.
The lives of these children have been affected forever, as the stamps are permanent and heavy fines and prison time punish their removal.
For those who get used to them, life can be extremely rewarding, as with every new encounter, they get to wonder whether they would have saved the other guy’s life if he had been allergic.
Some stamped children even love their marks so much that the second generation of “peanut babies” is on the way; teens have gotten pregnant in peanut-processing facilities just like their parents, with the baby scheduled for stamping immediately after delivery.

This year saw a stunning rise in membership among “hot freshman chick” demographics for Vanderbilt’s Model United Nations organization. Instead of general recruitment within the freshman class, organizations have lately been paying more attention to students commensurate with their attractiveness. As part of a multifaceted campaign by long-time members Fit Varat and Andrew Angowitz, VUMUN specifically targeted the prettiest and most bangin’ freshman girls for recruitment.
“I’ve had it with debating chubby dudes over food supply issues in Libya” said Varat, now in his 3rd year of membership with VUMUN. “Instead of talking about international tensions, I’d much rather do something about this sexual tension between me and that hot chick over there”
VUMUN’s recruitment strategy centered on the student organization fair held on Friday the 26th of August. Varat and Angowitz instructed their comembers manning the VUMUN booth to sexually profile passers-by, handing out Frisbees and candy to, quoth Angowitz, “anybody you’d fuck,” while ignoring or wordlessly handing flyers to most males and anybody who looks pious.
Aside from that, VUMUN members took efforts to give Facebook event invitations to their beginning of year interest meetings only to attractive females. Painstaking effort was made, Varat assured me, to send out invites to only the hot chicks on his friends list. His technique is in fact so meticulous that for every girl whose profile pic is a group of smiling girls, he investigates her profile to make sure that she’s one of the hot ones in the photo.
This phenomenon is not exclusive to Model UN by any means; trends are emerging connecting physical attractiveness to number of campus organizations joined across the board. From WRVU to the Black Students Alliance, current members of these organizations have admitted to targeting the hotties in their recruitment. It’s not exclusively females either; Vanderbilt University Concert Choir and VUTheatre are scooping up all the cute guys who fall through the cracks of the other, manlier clubs and sports teams.
“This looks like a hot, I mean a good, year,” concluded Varat. “It’s not going to be called ‘model’ UN for nothing.”