It was mere months ago that I came to you writing about the most beautiful throwing motion in football: the one and only Jay Christopher Cutler. I now sit here on the eve of the NFC championship game waiting with excitement to see him go at it once more. He may be the poor man’s Brett Lorenzo Favre, not to be confused with Lorenzo Lamas, but he is OUR poor man’s Brett Favre.
Being a guy from Florida, Orlando to be specific, I have a lot of friends from home who go to UF, FSU, and Miami, and with all of those premium programs, there are a lot of great pro athletes that they have to brag about. They can throw out their Rex Grossmans, Chris Weinkes, or Ken Dorseys, and until a few years ago, all I had was Orlando Magic superstar and current announcer Jeff Turner. Now, I have the Jay Cutler trump card whenever any of these sports bar arguments come up. He may throw into sextuple coverage, he may be a supreme asshole, and he may be dating Kristin Cavallari, who is a supreme reality show bitch, but all that said he puts Vandy on the map.
As a victory and prominence-starved sports lover at Vandy, I sure as heck need any notoriety that we can get. If it were up to me, we would have been one of those powerhouse athletic schools, because it is hard to drop the “we’re smarter than you” line day in and day out. Now with Cutler having Da Bears on the precipice of glory, I can also drop the “Tebow sucks AND Jay Cutler is better than you AND we’re still smarter than you” line, which is much more fulfilling as well.
All I need now is for Da Bears to bring one home, and I’ve got the “How many rings does Chris Leak or Brock Berlin or Chris Rix have?” line, and I am in the driver seat for life. So all I need is two more victories, and I can brag forever. I am begging the football gods, and the powers that be to give me, nay, us this victory, so that we can have something to hang over the heads of most of the rest of the SEC.
Jolly Ol’ Jay
Call of Duty: Black Ops Implements New Tweaks to Alter Learning Curve
Last week, Activision’s subsidiary and corporate lap dog Treyarch released the much anticipated game, “Call of Duty: Black Ops”. Unfortunately for Treyarch, far too many people bought it, and now the company may have to limit online play strictly to non-noobs only. To some casual players this may seem unfair, but to the most dedicated gamers this is the relief they’ve strongly desired for over a year.
Without the inordinate amount of noobs running around with the added speed of the Marathon and Lightweight perks, ‘Noobslayerx9’ commented, “Finally! Now I don’t live in constant fear of a quick, bullshit tac-knife burst from a noob or being shot through the wall by an FMJ FAL when I clearly had [the noob] lined up in the iron sights of my silenced AK-74… with fall camo, of course.”
Another hardcore gamer, ‘AkimboShotties132’ is excited about the removal of the sniper rifles’ scoping function. He said, “Let’s be real, 360º quickscope-noscopes are the only way to snipe.”
Even more elated are the intensely hardcore players, including modders, lagswitchers, and the like who will no longer have to face players that have a strange, rumored ability: the so-called “skill.” For gameplay balance reasons, in the rare case that a player may exhibit talented play, the game will promptly prevent the character from moving at all. Lead Developer Mark Lamia said, “Honestly, it’s the only fair solution to the problem.”
To date, Treyarch stats list that over 14 billion claymore mines have been placed in the few days since the game’s release. These explosives, along with the noticeably darker and larger maps are even more helpful to the cause of the “Waiters.” These camper’s boons coupled with equipment such as movable claymores and stationary video cameras that can replace your mini-map have significantly upped the game’s required lack-of-skill factor to an unprecedented level.
One qualm that true pros have is that shotguns are no longer considered secondary weapons. This change has effectively removed the ability to have a powerful bling rapid-fire holographic UMP submachine gun along with a silenced foregrip SPAS-12 shotgun that has the long-range capabilities of a sniper has been eliminated. Most players don’t like these changes, but game developers claim they are trying to appeal to “True gamers.”
“The game will be a little more difficult, but now that the noobs have been eliminated, we can play the game the way it is meant to be played – with grenade launchers, RPGs and flamethrowers.” Says Xbox Live subscriber and first prestige level 23 xDudleyDoWrongx.
Currently, there is no word yet on any advantageous in-game glitches that have been discovered, but the most elite gamers say that they are ready to use them for their benefit. Legendary noob-owner and local 13-year old Sgt.Slaughter69 said, “If it is obviously an intentional glitch, then a true master takes any edge he can get.”
Multiplayer Game Designer David Vonderhaar stated, “Don’t worry, noobs. If you are upset that you have no place in this new game, there are some steps that you can take. Just equip those akimbo shotguns and learn how to drop shot, and you too can channel your inner “pro.”
Jay Cutler is Limber Perfection
There have been a lot of beautiful creations in this world of ours, yet there is nothing more beautiful than Jay Jamison Cutler’s throwing motion. To say that it is the most beautiful thing in sports does not even begin to do it justice – it may be the most beautiful thing in the world. When Da Vinci finished the Mona Lisa, did the world stand in awe for centuries marveling at its simplistic beauty? When Rodin created The Thinker, did world admire it as one of the most recognizable pieces in sculpture? When Heidi Klum came to the US, did people worship her as the goddess she is? Maybe, but in A MidChicago Night’s Dream Shakespeare wrote, “Jay’s arm is compared to a summer’s day.”
I don’t mean to sound vulgar or anything, but I may be ready to send a petition to Roger Goodell asking for all future Bears broadcasts to censor any of Jay’s passes. They are way too erotic for network television especially on a Sunday! You may ask, “Coach Lewis, why on earth would you fixate on his throwing instead of his winning?” If you were to ask me this to my face, I would punch you and then respond to your tasteless and frivolous query. It is obvious that throwing motions make the QB.
Let us look at some of the more recent stellar motions to come into the league: David Carr, Tim Tebow, Ryan Leaf, JaMarcus Russell, Matt Leinart, Brandy Quinn, Joey Harrington, and a host of other QBs who were too talented to start in the league. Somehow, the NFL has emphasized winning and completions over beauty; that’s why trash like Manning, Brady, and Brees start and win and other inconsequential stuff like that.
This blasphemous stance is why we must support Jay and the Bears. If we don’t, the position of quarterback will become like the hybrid car: efficient but ugly.
Instead, let us praise quarterbacks like the Hummer, or Range Rover, which may have awful stats and many poor performances, but man, I’d stare at ‘em for days. So, let’s celebrate Jay, for the beauty he brings to all of mankind. Seriously, his arm’s like poetry in motion.
Taco Bell Lowers Football Team’s Free Food Scoring Threshold to 14 Points
Well, Vanderbilt, the day has finally come. Taco Bell has given up on Vandy football, and you know what, I am not having it. You didn’t know what happened? The Taco Bell on West End has lowered the score that Vanderbilt needs to reach in order for us to get free tacos. Last year, the score was twenty-four points, and now it is just a paltry fourteen.
Fellow ‘Dores, we can read this headline, sit back, and maybe even crack a few football jokes, but the truth is that Taco Bell has egregiously insulted the entire Vanderbilt and greater metro Nashville community with this blasphemy.
Who the hell are you, Taco Bell? You are a “restaurant” known as a place where stoners go to get munchies when they’re blown out of their minds. That, and the only place not named White Castle or Krystal where it is acceptable to buy fourteen different items and consume them all at once.
T-Bell (I’m gonna call you T-Bell now because I have lost all respect for you), we have a great deal of young talent. Didn’t you know that our freshman running back won SEC offensive freshman of the year? No, you probably didn’t; you were probably coming up with your “sandwich” thingy that tastes just as crappy as every other non-descript item on your menu.
Sure, Vandy football has had its rough patches. We lost our coach and our first two home games, but c’mon, T-Bell, your old advertising campaign was a semi-retarded talking Chihuahua, although at least that was better than your current advertising campaign, a semi-retarded babbling slice of lime, even with its sexy, Antonio Banderas voice.
I don’t see where you guys get away with judging our product when at least ours has an upside. I used to give you the benefit of the doubt, and sometimes I even purchased your wares, but no longer.
I am asking the entire Vanderbilt community to take a page out of LeBron’s playbook and make a change: “At this time, Vandy, I would like to announce that I am taking my talents to any place that does not suck as hard as T-Bell.” I’m waiting for your Comic Sans reply, T-Bell. I’m waiting.
Tiger Woods Comes up Short at Augusta, in Bedroom
After 144 days away from the PGA tour to deal with “Pressing Family Issues” or what we call in the hood, a 3 iron to the grill, Eldrick “Tiger” Woods returned the golf course. The media was abuzz with excitement, and many predicted(including myself) that he would runaway with the tournament. Yet despite the roars from the crowds and the endless ovations, Tiger failed to deliver. What!?! Somehow the paragon of golf fitness and physique, lost to some fat white dude with a semi-mullet. What is the world coming to? Next thing you know, some short white foreign guy will win NBA MVP, or the Mets will rise out of the doldrums and win the World Series. What’s that? Vandy made it past the first round this year? No? Shucks. Ok Tiger, you’re off the hook.
I mean from all accounts, this is your first Masters in recent memory when your bevy of brunettes, bouquet of blondes, and ruck of redheads was not waiting for you at the 20th hole with an assortment of “amenities”. Maybe we need to do more than forgive Tiger. It was reported that Wilt Chamberlain had relations with over 10,000 women, and this obviously helped him score 100 points in a single game. Tiger was only in the 20s and is on the cusp of breaking the Golden Bear’s record for Majors. Think of the possibilities for Mr. Woods if he weren’t so conservative, his stats would be on par(my apologies) with those of Best Korea’s aka North Korea’s Kim Jong Il. Mr. Il is known for his superior golf game and hits a hole in one three or four times a round! We all know he has an entire country of mistresses.
Maybe the speculation that marriage is holding Tiger back is only true, if the marriage holds him back from cheating on his wife. Personally, we need more guys like Tiger Woods, seemingly perfect yet horribly tarnished. Fat drunk John Daly isn’t very exciting, thats your typical NASCAR fan who can drive the ball 500 yds. We need a Roger Federer incident, with some working ladies in Amsterdam. Or a Jimmie Johnson with some Waffle House waitresses. It is almost a guarantee that Peyton Manning would not have thrown that pick six in the Super Bowl had he been cheating on his wife. Why else would the Saints be so confident? Heck even Tom Brady stopped winning after he made up his mind and became loyal. All I am saying is, when someone is so loyal to a sport or anything for that matter, they need to be disloyal in some other aspect of their life. Keaunu Reeves’ acting career never truly blossomed until he gave up on the acting part. Heck, even Barack Obama wasn’t able to save America until he gave trillions to those destitute banks and Wall st. Firms.
All that being said, Tiger will come back with a renewed vigor and strength in the next two majors. These are courses where he has won by the course record while not even breaking a sweat(possibly because he knew he’d be breaking a sweat later). So in order to restore the Order in the golf world, let us hope that Tiger recalls some of his fonder moments in life, when he was not tethered to his gorgeous wife or adorable kids, but to some homely looking Perkin’s cashiers or Home Depot garden experts. Despite all this I am glad to know that a talented golfer with a beautiful wife was able to stay competitive and faithful at the same time, even when his rack is bigger than hers. Oh well, hopefully Tiger can roar come June.
