Despite having drunk beer socially during a large part of his life, Robert Mackey entered the Kingdom of Heaven approximately ten minutes after his death late Tuesday night.
This news came as a shock to thousands of potential Heaven-enterers here on earth. Kevin Lovell of cheepmissiontrips.com said he had to do a double take after learning about Mackey’s fate.
“I had seen [Mr. Mackey] drinking a beer with some of his friends a couple of years ago, so I assumed that he was on his way to hell. When I heard that he had gotten in to heaven, I thought that God must have made some mistake. How can someone be both righteous, and social?”
Mackey’s family seem to be the only people who weren’t surprised when they got the good news of Robert’s entrance into Heaven.
Mackey’s daughter Katherine told reporters “I knew that my father occasionally drank beer, sometimes even at parties. But I also knew that he was a good man who went to church every Sunday and even volunteered at the soup kitchen a couple of times a week, so I knew he was going to get into heaven.”
When asked why she felt that so many people were surprised at her Father’s afterlife situation, Katherine replied “I don’t know. I feel everyone who knew him, or even anyone who had ever put any effort into a conversation with him, or even anyone who ever judged him based on any meaningful criteria would have known what a good man he was.”
Despite the claims of his family members, several biblical scholars have come forward to argue against Mackey’s entrance into heaven. Betsy McMillian, a biblical scholar at Pensacola University, penned a scathing op-ed piece for the Pensacola Times where she states: “In the story of the drunkeness of Noah we clearly see that God does not want human beings to consume alcohol. I for one am shocked and disappointed in God for so blatantly abandoning his principles.”
In another article in the New York Times, Jesus Christ, a Jewish carpenter rebutted McMillian saying “With all due respect to miss McMillian, if you read the rest of the Bible you’ll notice that our main point is the importance of showing love to your fellow man. And Mr. Mackey certainly did lead a life of love.”
Kingdom of Heaven proprietor God defended his judgment in a press conference yesterday “If you really look at Mr. Mackey’s life… he loved his family, he worked hard to put all three of his children through college, and he never murdered, raped or even assaulted anyone. If you don’t think this man was heaven material, then I don’t know what to do with you.”
God went on to say that “If I only ever let people in to Heaven who had never drank, then this place would be nearly empty.”
This controversy comes on the heels of the infamous Ellen gaff, when God told reporters from People magazine that despite her lesbianism, Ellen Degeneris would “Absolutely be going to heaven after she dies.”
Drunkard enters kingdom of Heaven
My Morning Jacket to headline Quake
Quake Headliners
It was a quiet Sunday night on campus. The bar of frattiness had been raised again by the weekend’s shenanigans, which is apparently so high our souls need saving. As soon as the play hard was over, the work hard began, or so it seemed. But then, at 11:53:49 CDT, all the hell we raised came back to haunt us.
Vanderbilt Programming Board announced the headliners for this year’s Commodore Quake. In three little words, our hope for the most fantastically fratty homecoming concert ever was smashed. More smashed than your Mom was on Saturday, kind of smashed.
What three words could crush our student body’s soul? President Michelle Bachman? Grin’s Shuts Down? You’re cut off? I’m sorry to say, dear readers, it was much worse.
My Morning Jacket.
Yes, My Morning Jacket is headlining the homecoming concert. Years from now we’ll remember where we were when we heard the news. Many of you found out by reading your facebook mini-feed, much like myself. “Out of all the amazing choices that were available, somehow, VPB has decided to go with My Morning Jacket for Quake. Lets just hope an additional concert is in the works a la HOV. Otherwise it would be a seriously disappointing Quake,” said a passive aggressive frat boy. Mass confusion swept over the vander-bubble, and barfed on facebook. “My morning jacket? Um, I wear my jacket all day,” said some idiot from my VUcept group.
God to Release Second Novel
God, creator of the universe and celebrated author of international best-seller “The Bible” has finally broken his 2000 year hiatus. The deity’s agent announced that God’s second book will be released later this summer.
The book, which is entitled “Lowlights from the city of a thousand memories.” represents a break from God’s previous work creating Holy Scripture. Instead of trying to stick within this genre God’s new book will be a thrilling detective story.
According to Tim Dalmers, The Slant’s literary critic, this move shows how God fears being labeled as ‘That guy who creates Holy Writ.’ Says Dalmers “God is really going out of his way here to show us his versatility as a writer. We all know that God can create great ancient scriptures and that he can make matter from non-matter, but with this book we’ll be able to see something totally new from God.”
Sample chapters of the book have already been released to several prominent critics so far the reviews have been mixed.
William Cunningham, The New Yorker’s head critic took a look at the book and says that “This sophomore effort from the Lord of all creation gets too stuck in existing cliches of the genre without adding anything new. As a reader I’m forced to wonder whether I would even care about this work if it hadn’t been written by God. The answer, sadly, is no.”
But other readers seem to see some potential in the work. Vanderbilt Professor Mike Blake had a chance to read some of Lowlights already. “Is it another Bible? Of course not! But it would be insane of us to expect God to top the runaway success of his first novel. The fact is that while this book isn’t groundbreaking, it is solid… And at the end of the day seeing God get back in to the game is important.”
Despite the critics, fans of God are already inundating booksellers with orders. Pope Benedict XVI, the leader of the Catholic church and a self-described “God fanatic since day one,” has already put in an order at his local Barnes and Noble. “Oh yeah, I’m super psyched for this book, I’ve been telling all my friends that they need to get it, and I’ve even pre-emptively put it on the fast track to add it to my Church’s cannon of sacred scripture.”
From the Editor- Thoughts on Liberty
When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any form of government becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such government, and to provide new guards for their future security. –Such has been the patient sufferance of these colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former systems of government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over these states. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world.
He has refused his assent to laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.
He has forbidden his governors to pass laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.
He has refused to pass other laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of representation in the legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.
He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.
He has dissolved representative houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.
He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the legislative powers, incapable of annihilation, have returned to the people at large for their exercise; the state remaining in the meantime exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.
He has endeavored to prevent the population of these states; for that purpose obstructing the laws for naturalization of foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migration hither, and raising the conditions of new appropriations of lands.
He has obstructed the administration of justice, by refusing his assent to laws for establishing judiciary powers.
He has made judges dependent on his will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.
He has erected a multitude of new offices, and sent hither swarms of officers to harass our people, and eat out their substance.
He has kept among us, in times of peace, standing armies without the consent of our legislature.
He has affected to render the military independent of and superior to civil power.
He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his assent to their acts of pretended legislation:
For quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:
For protecting them, by mock trial, from punishment for any murders which they should commit on the inhabitants of these states:
For cutting off our trade with all parts of the world:
For imposing taxes on us without our consent:
For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of trial by jury:
For transporting us beyond seas to be tried for pretended offenses:
For abolishing the free system of English laws in a neighboring province, establishing therein an arbitrary government, and enlarging its boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule in these colonies:
For taking away our charters, abolishing our most valuable laws, and altering fundamentally the forms of our governments:
For suspending our own legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.
He has abdicated government here, by declaring us out of his protection and waging war against us.
He has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burned our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.
He is at this time transporting large armies of foreign mercenaries to complete the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the head of a civilized nation.
He has constrained our fellow citizens taken captive on the high seas to bear arms against their country, to become the executioners of their friends and brethren, or to fall themselves by their hands.
He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavored to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian savages, whose known rule of warfare, is undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.
In every stage of these oppressions we have petitioned for redress in the most humble terms: our repeated petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.
Nor have we been wanting in attention to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, enemies in war, in peace friends.
We, therefore, the representatives of the United States of America, in General Congress, assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name, and by the authority of the good people of these colonies, solemnly publish and declare, that these united colonies are, and of right ought to be free and independent states; that they are absolved from all allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the state of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as free and independent states, they have full power to levy war, conclude peace, contract alliances, establish commerce, and to do all other acts and things which independent states may of right do. And for the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor.
Don’t forget to come out to the very first Slant meeting of the year!
Hey there everyone, don’t forget that the first Slant meeting of the year will be held this Sunday at 8:30 PM in Sarratt 130. Be there and make sure you bring your funny!
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=103391299766226
From The Editor
Hey guys, I didn’t really have time to write a “From the Editor” for this issue, so you should really just move on to some other section.
Seriously, there’s nothing here. I was super busy this past week and I didn’t have time to write anything to put here. Stop reading now.
I promise you, there is nothing to read here. I’ll admit that it’s my fault I didn’t have time to get this done. But I had to go to Washington, D.C., this weekend to celebrate Easter with my family. I mean I guess I didn’t ‘have’ to do that, but I really wanted to go. I mean, come on, I haven’t seen my family since the semester started! What, you think the “From the Editor” column is more important than my family? Well of course you would say that, you’re not a member of my family.
But seriously, I’ve got nothing here. Just stop reading. Stop. Now. I assure you, there will be no reward for finishing this column.
You know that part of “Fight Club” where they start Project Mayhem and in order to join you need to stand outside the door for three days while Brad Pitt tells you that you can’t join? Well, this isn’t like that at all. I swear on all that is holy there is nothing in this column.
What the hell, bro? Why are you still here? There are so many better stories in this issue. Did you see that thing on page 3 about the Bon Jovi songs? It’s really funny; go read that instead of this. There isn’t anything here.
Christ in heaven, what am I going to have to do to convince you to stop reading this section? Maybe you’ll go away if I just stop typing right now.
DAMMIT YOU’RE STILL HERE.
As a matter of fact, if you won’t respect my authority as EIC, then you don’t deserve to be reading this publication. Put this copy back in the nearest Slant distribution thingy so it can go to someone who will actually listen to me.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re betting that at some point I’ll quit telling you to stop reading and then I’ll say something really profound. And then you can go talk to all of your friends and be like “Oh yeah, you need to read to the end of the ‘From the Editor,’ he says something really cool in the last paragraph.”
Well the joke’s on you! There is nothing profound in the last paragraph of this column. Do you know how I know that? Because this is the last paragraph of the column.
Story Ideas 4/18/11
Freshman wakes up missing purse, vagina. (Dibs: Lia)
Murder over thin mints ruled justifiable homicide.
Peeing in a cup
STD: song transmitted diseases. (Dibs: Mungan)
Class of 2011 unlukiest ever.
Is good writing really does matter that much? (Dibs Katy)
New facebook sex app.
Summer internship unintentionally bragged about.
Community garden planted on 4/18- smoked on 4/20.
Greek Row blacks out but not in the way you’d think.
Boy accidentally creates animal collective album.
Three cups of tea. (Dibs- someone)
No party at Chancellors?
Senior fund fund fund!
Cher to voice new Hulk.
Story Ideas 4/11/11 LOOK AT THEM!
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How I learned to football good like a man (DAN DIBS
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Rites of spring was probably good
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Modern day Jesus Christ
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$3.50 for fish?
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Nations newscasters collectively agree to not call Ice Cube a rapper anymore
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Boehner reverses stance on planned parenthood after weekend in vegas
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Bon Jovi runs for VP on every ticket
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sex appeal in gum ads
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Thumb+ pluto compromise
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Racist about pluto
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Faceboook stalking becomes crime
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Tinnitus sufferers can’t hear storm sirens
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Where did bugs go before light-bulbs
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Bug plots revenge against lamp that killed his family
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Boobs looked at (CLAY DIBS)
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Student uses lab equipment to measure penis (JIM DIBS)
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Adopted son finds biological father guilty by accident
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Student feels remorse when tornado kills 17
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Vanderbilt wins black and Gold game
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Vandy engineering finds the droids they’re looking for.
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Sigma Chi dies of alcohol poisoning. (DO NOT PRINT)
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30 die in bus crash. Penis. (DO NOT PRINT)
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How to shit yourself with grace
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Warning: Internet Explorer 9
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Fossils discovered which prove creationism. (KATY-DIBS)
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Wal mart to receive piece of Antarctica
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Always getting one upped: P/CP
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I hate monuments
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Charlie the Unicorn backwards is russian propaganda
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Severity of weather is inversely proportional to work ethic
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Football spectators number in the tens
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Cicadapocalypse
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Top ten things that haven’t happened since the slant began.
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Interview with Flava Flav
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Student succeeds in throwing futon down trash chute. (CHRIS- DIBS)
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“I have a dreamcast”
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Coach Franklin: How black is he?
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VSG budget shutdown. (DYLAN DIBS)
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New Vandy Van rules stress basic human decency
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Worlds of Warcraft: 3 students expelled for pwning noobs
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Melodores compete to see who can take the most clothes off (JUSTIN DIBS)
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AlertVU decides who needs what info
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Troll Toga party
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Students expect music at rights, get flava flav
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Discordant song title mash-ups
Local Band Somehow Has More Members Than Fans
12” Richard, a garage band formed three years ago in Belle Meade, TN, was shocked last week to find out that their band actually has more members than fans.
The revelation was made after the group played what bandleader, Steve Wilson, described as, “Our first gig in a long time.” About half way through the band’s opening song, “Tears from My Soul’s Heartstrings,” Wilson looked out onto the crowd and noticed that the twelve performers on stage outnumbered the ten people in attendance.
Later on in a closed-door band meeting, Wilson criticized his fellow members for not following his long-standing “bring at least one friend to each show” rule.
Wilson was disappointed, because he felt that the low turnout was preventing the band from their stated goal to, “Feed the starving baby that is the American music industry with the milk of our rich, creamy sound.”
Theories abound as to why 12” Richard has been unable to build a following even after three years of steadily working in various members’ garages. But one band member, who wished to remain anonymous, pointed us towards the band’s YouTube channel for information.
According to comments from the band’s only video, titled “Won’t Let Your Spider Feelings Trap Me in the Web – LIVE”, the group sounds like a cross between, “Jesse and the Rippers, Daft Punk, and the death rattles of a dozen howler monkeys.”
Delving deeper into the issue, The Slant headed over to the band’s MySpace page only to find that all three of the afore mentioned sounds had been listed as “R Influencez [sic]” by site designer and drummer Will Nowlan.
According to Nowlan, who is generally recognized as the tech and social media guru for 12” Richard, “Ever since the last show, [Wilson] has been on my back about making our band go viral. I don’t really no what that means, so I’ve just been toying around with different background themes on Myspace… I showed Steve the other day and it actually seemed to be what he wanted.”
Wilson and two friends, Mike Powell and Chuck DeSantis, formed 12” Richard in late 2008. The three friends were quickly forced to look for other musicians, as each considers himself to be a rhythm guitarist/vocalist.
After adding in several drummers and no fewer than three bass players, the band’s sound really started to take shape. But it was not until the addition of “Keyboard” Steve Ellis and a couple of his turntable playing buddies that the band reached an even dozen.
But while this large crew is necessary to 12” Richard’s desired sound, it also makes it all the more difficult to maintain a fan to band ratio of at least one when playing shows, usually in some member’s backyard.
Sources close to the group indicate that for their next show, the band is planning a serous campaign to bring out the fans which will involve flyers, social media, and telling Rod that he can’t come unless he brings his mom’s minivan and he fills it up with people.
Obama to enforce no flies zone in Libya
In what many are calling a great pro-democracy gesture, President Obama gave in to calls that he is lending military support to protestors in Libya by instituting a no-fly zone over the country’s capital. Following the President’s declaration, thousands of US troops were deployed armed with fly swatters, insect repellant, and those weird-smelling outdoor candles.
Communiqués from within the rebel camps indicate that protestors were at first thrilled to hear of the US support but quickly became disappointed upon realizing the true extent of the American commitment.
One civilian said, “I mean, don’t get me wrong, the flies are kind of an issue here… especially in this weather we’ve been having. But I was kind of hoping the US would help me regain a voice in my own government…”
Many at home had been angry with the President for delaying the US response to the uprising in Libya. The President found himself in a tight spot wanting to show support for the rebel forces while not wanting to over commit the US military by making himself into a “World Policeman.”
In a press conference late Monday night, the President announced his action plan for the region, saying “It is crazy to think that our military could enforce democratic reform in every troubled Middle Eastern country. But… keeping the conflict free of pesky insects, that’s something we can commit to.”
The military action has been met at home by support from both sides of Congress. Speaking to reporters early yesterday morning, Democratic majority leader Harry Reid said he stands by the President’s decision.
“No one should have to take up arms and risk their lives just to enjoy the freedoms we take for granted every day.” Reid said. “And they certainly shouldn’t have to worry about annoying flies while they do it. It’s good that we’re supporting the people’s rights in this way.”
Later that day, Senator John McCain said in a speech on the house floor that he was glad that the U.S. would be flexing its military muscle to show a strong “pro-democracy and anti-fly message to the region.”
The only groups that seem to be upset by the move are the members of hard-core animal rights group PETA. According to a press release on their website, PETA states, “These military actions constitute a war… despite those claims that war only exists when the opponents are human beings.”
PETA went on to remind readers that this is not the first time Obama has shown an anti-fly prejudice. Saying “We have not forgotten the events of June 2009 when the President senselessly murdered a fly on national TV… a crime for which he has yet to be prosecuted.”
Despite these detractors, the military intervention has begun and according to wire reports the Army presence has already made a difference. Troops have been distributing various anti-mosquito supplies to local residents, helping set up mosquito netting to create mosquito free zones, and even using precision weapons to shoot individual bugs out of the sky.
