Junior and leader of the Vanderbilt Student Leaders Association Johnny Wilson is under public scrutiny for “absolutely losing his shit” after being insistently pestered to remove freshman Timmy Lilschiz from the VSLA@list.vanderbilt.edu mailing list.
Wilson received the email from Lilschiz approximately 3 minutes after spending half an hour composing an informative message concerning an upcoming fundraiser for deaf orphans, “Listen for the Kids.” Lilschiz said, “Hey, can you please remove me from this listserv? I asked you a week ago,” and was the only student to answer Wilson’s call to action.
Wilson responded by promptly going berserk, which most pundits agree was a totally justified reaction.
“Man, Johnny, he just… He couldn’t take it anymore,” says suitemate J.J. Glazer. “He’s gotten so many emails from kids who signed up at the student org fair who he doesn’t even know… Every time he sends one out to his group, someone always asks to be taken off. Don’t they know they can do it themselves?”
Lilschiz’s roommate, Paulie Pavoratti, said, “Yeah, Timmy, He just kind of figured, you know, won’t it be easier to just have the group leader do this, since he’s in charge of the listserv. He just didn’t know how much of [Wilson’s] time he was wasting.”
With much disgust in his mind and hatred in his black heart, Wilson proceeded to log on to list.vanderbilt.edu and enter his VUnet ID and single login e-password. After three botched attempts, Wilson realized that he had forgotten has password from complacently having OAK and Gmail save it. After repeatedly clicking on, “Forgot your password?” and receiving no automated email, Wilson remembered that his secondary email was set to XgokuthedestroyerXSSJ4@hotmail.com, an address he had been using since 2001. Upon logging into Hotmail with the password, “spiritbomb,” Wilson was astounded to see that he could not find the email from Vanderbilt. After sorting through solicitations from Nigerian Princes and Gamespot updates, he was finally able to reset his Vanderbilt e-password.
Once logged into the listserv management website, Wilson noticed something was awry. The dashboard did not reflect his position as a student leader, and he had no permissions to edit any subscribers. As the clock had just turned to 5:01 in the afternoon on a Friday, Wilson could not contact the Office of Student Organizations or the Dean of Students IT department to properly implement these necessary changes.
When Monday arrived, Wilson was still puzzled as to why he could not access listserv management despite reading replies from the DOS IT staff. After a few more hours of correspondence, they realized that they had misspelled his name as “jonny.wilson.” A full 86 hours since the incident began, Wilson removed Lilschiz from the listserv. He then rocked back in his chair, said “God dammit…” under his breath and wrote Lilschiz an email that said, “I hope you’re happy… Bitch.”
Pensive Thoughts
Ladies, gentlemen, I write this to you near the end of my tenure as editor in chief of The Slant, your favorite student publication. March 23rd, as hard as it is to believe how quickly that it has come, is my last issue leading you blindly into the fray against corruption, bigotry, snooty professors and sometimes downright disgusting food.
As I return from walking back home slightly drunkenly on a Saturday night, all I have to say is that The Commons experiment is not as bad as we all think it is or thought it was. You freshmen may not believe it, and you Kissam-free sophomores may enjoy being away from it, but the conveniences of living with your entire grade within urinating distance is certainly something to remember.
Sparing you the buzzwords such as “community” or “living and learning,” The Commons truly is a bonding experience. After the awkward couple of weeks that we all shared, I used to look forward to when I’d be 21 and living in a Towers suite, but honestly I want to return back to when we were a little more innocent and had a few more years ahead of us. Not to say that this year and the last were lost, but walking through Commons slightly inebriated at 3:00 in the morning made me realize that living there is a lot like getting hazed except with 28 meals a week. We all went through it, and we all really hate those people who had the corner rooms in the new buildings. Assholes…
As someone who’s lived in Nashville his whole life, I didn’t think much of these crazy new and renovated dorms in August of 2008. However, now I yearn for the simple days of being an undecided engineering major who delighted a side of Japanese class. Thinking about that, I really do miss having a class where we actually talked with each other about things that didn’t suck. Even as my GPA and tendency to fail Calculus classes repeatedly shows that I’ll probably be here past 2012, I miss those lazy winter nights of being absolutely dumb and going into the cold to smoke cigars next to the Wyatt center. I live on the 14th floor now; I can’t be crawling out of people’s windows onto balconies…
Freshmen, freshwomen, as the time draws near to pick housing ballots, please realize the great opportunities you have remaining to stay friends with people you may not otherwise know, also known as your random hall mates, because once you return for you sophomore year, things will not stay the same no matter how hard you try to convince yourself that they will be.
SLANT IDEAS Issue #8 (updated on 2-21-11)
Slant Issue #8 Ideas (complied on 2-14-11)
(Print Date: March 2nd, 2011)
Meetings: Mondays at 8:00 PM, Sarratt 130
Submit your writing(s) before the production Saturday at 3:00 pm please.
Production times:
Saturday Feb 26, afternoon
Sunday Feb 27, afternoon
Monday Feb 28, all day, send to printer by ???
For all: Sarratt 130
Features:
Front Page (300-350 words) x 3
Big Stories = 500-800 words-ish
Short Stories = 375-500 words-ish
Top 10 List
Around the Loop (ATL)
Fucked Image(s)
Bastard Confession
Center Spread
Throwaways (w/ pics)
Comic / Drawing: ABCs of Roommates (RACHEL-CHLOE)
Point / Counterpoint
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
NEWEST IDEAS (2-21-11)
1) Dunk Contest
a) stand the car on its nose next time
2) Jack in the Box
a) “it’s the equivalent of an STD. I’m already itching.”
3) Hustler fashion special
a) not even written by life section…
4) Dance Marathon wooden logo found in dumpster
a) make a beer funnel out of it
6) Crime Log
a) “hat stolen from a fraternity. it was returned.” compared to “a rape occurred in a dorm room.”
7) New Sorority DIK (AGBO)
a) “Ever since I found the DIK freshman year…”
b) “sisters in DIK”
c) Can you fit 188 girls into a sorority house? Brothel laws???
d) Proud to welcome our baby DIKs
Rites
a) Same bands as always but with different names
b) “one miley cyrus on stage is a brothel”
9) Republican budget cuts
a) abort the defecit
10) senators up and leaving Wisconsin
11) Kissam applications due
a) 0 applicants, 1000 accepted
b) munchie mart has 100 health score
12) munchie workers with a tude vs super polite
13) Cafe Broco (DYLAN)
a) bad service vs great atmosphere
b) namedropping indie stuff to get food faster
14) Exercise as video games
a) TRON bike
b) pacman elliptical
15) Watson at E-week trivia
a) would have done worse hooked up to the internet
b) can’t fuck up – boring like jason bourne
16) bagged vodka
17) Bathroom funnies (JIM)
a) Terrifying rise in occurrences of shower sex at 8:30 am
b) no jacking off either, it clogs the drain
c) the used condom shower. wait, do condoms use it?
d) maintenance staff comes in and says, “fuck this”
e) trapped while mopping / cleaning people coming into the shower
f) hot towel guy in bathroom. about damn time, VSG
g) leg in shower – guy passed out. ass on drain.
18) Living near the locked side door
a) bitches be screaming
19) Burnetts vodka
a) pink ribbon – it’s breast cancer!
20) Dance marathon FTK – fuck tha kids
21) Towers tunnel clusterfuck
a) paint party – blue peacock rave
b) fill up the dip with “fluid”
c) vagina graffiti – too many penises…
22) hooking up in peabody library
a) are there showers there?
b) “truth about unicorns” book
c) “I talked scornfully at them and they promptly detached”
23) Avatar porn, 3D HD
a) James Cameron touching himself
24) Brain Awareness Month (fucked image)
25) Dude w/ hat fliers
a) who is it?
b) derby days – final boss hat that isn’t actually there
26) Twilight director’s little red riding hood
a) Twilight without edward
27) weird things covered by medicare/medicaid
a) penis pumps
b) viagra
28) Minesweeper on back page
29) “I think people underestimate the usefulness of a syringe in college”
30) Korean egg donor ad in hustler JENNIFER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEWEST IDEAS (2-14-11)
//NOTE: CLAY, DON’T FORGET THE COMIC THIS TIME! AGH
1) Storming basketball courts
a) huge fines. Why??
b) what if you had your indoor shoes on
2) Women’s basketball bribery
a) food vouchers (satco, otter’s chicken)
b) still, no students showed up. only adults.
c) “No one wants to go see layups…”
3) Egypt & friends revolting (MERYEM)
a) Tunisia overlooked
b) Revolution World Tour, like a Beck tour, going to small venues… pretty good, not great.
c) Carthage & history of the region
4) Getting married in a Chinese happy meal pack (NATALIE)
a) stack of apple pies
b) can’t have it your way like BK
c) married under arches
d) “Do you want fries with that? I do.”
5) Grammys (CAITLIN)
a) Arcade Fire as the underdog, now too mainstream
b) Lady GaGa’s egg. Is her new song any good?
c) “Pop music is like, eh, let’s throw some beats… ok how about some words… or maybe no words if you’re the Black Eyed Peas.” (halftime show/Slash/Usher)
6) Bieber movie
a) “In 3D, let me get my sippy cup.”
b) “The bowl cut looks better in 3D.”
c) Bieber crapping himself
7) Gyrobowl (KIRBY)
a) fat people can’t spill food anymore… nothing can stop them now.
b) Now you can eat your cereal while you hang out.
c) “I’ve learned adults eat paperclips…”
IMPACT speakers revealed
a) bill kristol vs ariana huffington vs billy crystal
9) Krispy Kreme CEO visit (JENNIFER)
a) inception donut
10) Google earth guy visit
a) went to vanderbilt…….
11) Chik fil A KATY
a) donating to anti-gay groups vs. chicken biscuits
12) Black history Month Recap (KELLEY)
a) 10% off the number of days in the month??
b) other month-long celebrations. What are their qualifications?
13) Valentine’s Day at the Rec Center
a) condom lollipops
b) “I love you”
c) Lovers’ week
d) other schools giving out condoms for free all the time
e) safe sex – two safes humping
f) custom-order condoms , who’s the biggest?
g) every name is huge: colossal, massive, gigantic
14) Facebook honor council appeal
a) no facts
b) invited to highlighter party afterwards
15) Teachers talking on the phone
a) double standard
b) what if students took their phones and talked to the person on the other side like an adult would?
16) iphone fun (MUNGAN)
a) now on verizon
b) old iphones really cheap now. take four of them and make an ipad.
c) igrill – texts you when your steak is done
d) “Time to Poop” app
e) with AT&T you’d never know when your food is done or when to poop
17) Puppy Bowl recap
a) team Vick
b) use the meat dress in the game
18) Spring Break
a) Gatlinburg: pancakes, go carts, sex shops
b) Mardi Gras
Feburary – It’s Messed Up
February is a strange month. It has 28 days, but some years it gets all moody and decides to have 29. I guess it’s better than having a random 1/4th of a day though. Can you imagine New Year’s Eve being 30 hours long? Well, that may be a good idea to stimulate the party economies of the world…
What’s really weird is that sometimes our spring break ends up in February. February is hardly spring; it should be called “winter break part 2: junior edition.” It’s like the straight-to-DVD sequel of Christmas Break. On the subject of spring break, is it here yet? I’m worn out of school already, and nothing has even happened yet. Not that there’s anything wrong with taking a whole week off. Wait, though, does that make the MLK day analogous to fall break now?
There’s one thing that everyone should experience in February every year. It’s a time of passion, disappointment, excitement, and commercialism. However, this year, I am without it despite a brief flirt with this beauty in 2010. Yes, I’m talking about the Winter Olympics. If it’s going to snow, we might as well get to watch cross-country skiing at Rand. If it’s gonna be stupendously cold, we better damn well get to watch three hours of curling at night on CNBC. Also, I am hankering for America to beat those damn Canadians at hockey after our country’s hopes were dashed by, of all people, the crybaby Sidney Crosby. Canada was so close to being entirely embarrassed on the world’s stage, especially after their Olympic torch didn’t even work. Not only that, but their government decided this month not to funnel the country’s internet usage either. That idea was on pace to be the blunder in that country’s history. Hey, though, we got to make a few jokes at their expense.
With football over, all the male attention now is directed to March Madness. Let’s be real, here, NCAA basketball is in fact better, because the NBA is the worst league in professional sports. Since 1980, only eight different teams have won the NBA title, and all-time, the Lakers and Celtics combine for over half. You can’t argue with numbers like that.
Let the record show that the greatest news this February is by far the Valentine’s levels for Angry Birds… Now that’s a thinking man’s game.
NFL Calls it Quits after Super Bowl XLV
On Sunday, February 6th, the Green Bay Packers became champions of the NFL after winning Super Bowl XLV in a long, hard-fought battle. However, with labor disputes looming between the NFL owners and players’ association, the two came to an agreement on Monday to bring the whole messy ordeal to a close in the true American way: giving up and saying, “fuck it.”
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell commented on the matter, “Well, this year’s Super Bowl was just so incredibly exhilarating, that we just couldn’t imagine any future seasons living up to the high expectations. We really should have ended it after the Giants beat the Patriots, but now that Aaron Rodgers has put the nail in the Brett Favre coffin, there really just isn’t any point to reporters and fans following football anymore.”
NFLPA president Kevin Mawae said, “Well, we had been trying to keep owners from changing the season to 18 games and insure retirement benefits, but it’s just clearer now than ever before that football won’t be able to go on after what happened in Super Bowl XLV. Also, the commercials were really bad. Advertisers need to step their game up. Disgraceful stuff on their end.”
The indefinite hiatus of the NFL is the most recent stoppage of a major American sports league since 2004 when the NHL had to rethink its long-term strategy after the Tampa Bay Lightning embarrassed Canada and became the Stanley Cup Champions.
Reflecting on the sudden increase in free time, Pittsburgh Steelers Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger said, “Hey, well, if no reporters are going to be on my ass anymore, then I can start hanging out at high school dance parties again.
They think I’ll be chaperoning… Fools.”
In order to fill the programming void left by football games, CBS and NBC will be creating new engrossing series such as, “Pediatric Doctors of New Jersey” and “Undercover Bass.” Meanwhile, ESPN will re-air every single incorrect football prediction they made in the past fifteen years as narrated by Brady Quinn and Vince Young.
SLANT IDEAS Issue #7 (updated on 1-31-11)
THE SLANT STORY IDEAS 1-31-11
My apologies if the formatting seems different
-Vandy vans too full – can’t kick off bus full of minorities
-Vanilla ice returns from Charlie’s chocolate factory (JIM)
-Slant meta article: jokes found much funnier after being explained (throwaway)
-Mobile Munchies: greater than 71 health score. At least they’re not having sex in the food! Everything tastes like exhaust.
-Hustler’s article about students learning nothing in college (NATALIE)
-Egypt shuts down internet. Slanter wonders, “but how will they watch House?” (ZACH)
-“Slutdown” a really erotic pat down or the opposite of dressing up.
-Sleazy Quiznos clientele too slutty to handle; must leave to avoid fight. Posits: she may be blind and thinks she is wearing pants.
Vandy found to be full of blind students. (KATY)
-Anarchists in VSG. V for Vanderbilt (ANDREW)
-Open tryouts for football team. Tips: carboload on taco bell. Don’t be too fast, hard hitting. Play gentlemanly.
-McD’s in med center closes / Frenchie invasion. (KENNETH)
-TOP 10: names for new element Vandy profs discovered. ie. Slantium!
-Jeopardy w/ computers. IBM vs. windows vs. mac vs. linux
-Ways to get laid: cloth w/ chloroform. Sock filled with quarters.
-Café opens in Central Library (MICHAEL)
-Football team’s bad luck rubs off on Basketball team as they enter Gymnasium (BEN)
-Valentines: Buy a lot of heart shaped chocolates, eat them while watching slasher films. Krispy kreme freebie. “Have my heart, it’s clogged for you.” (KATY)
Lunch Rush is Super Serious Business
Stardate: January 24th, 2011; 8:40 PM. I sit before you, the public, attempting to enjoy my southern fried chicken wrap from The Pub. Meager chicken influx. Poor wrapping job. Lukewarm fries. Depression rampant.
Everyone has numerous beefs with the school – hard tests, Kissam singles, Greek drama – but none are quite as infuriating as when dining goes wrong. Before I go out on a tear, let’s praise what we all share. I live in Towers West, so on a piss’s whim, I can have either Quiznos or CT West. Big ups for that one. I also have a kitchen to make my specialty, bacon and eggs, whenever I so desire. Thanks, Housing. Dining, though, you better be prepared for the wrath. Half a gallon of milk in the Towers East munchie costs as much as a gallon would out in the real world. I know that the $250 given to us is fake money, but it’s still part of my semi-annual budget.
As you can see in my picture, I am tolerating a Rand burger. The burgers are edible now that I know about the excellent Fire Sauce. It burns your mouth so good that the food’s flavor doesn’t really matter anymore.
Honestly, I don’t care so much about the quality of the food. Well, okay, Rand Brunch has gotten me very sick multiple times in the past, but now that I can make eggs on my own time, that’s no longer an issue.
The problem about lunch is that EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU JERKS has it at 12:00 or 12:15 with me. As soon as my class lets out, I turn on my primal rage and I book it from Featheringill to Rand. You’d better get the hell out of my way, because I’m a man on a mission. Seconds lost in the footrace is minutes wasted standing in line. Rand real estate is of prime value as well. I’m gonna get that table, so, girls who decide to hold conversations at the foot of the stairwell, you best take your gab elsewhere, because chivalry is dead on arrival when quesadillas are at stake… or steak, delicious steak.
VSG wants to put food trucks on Frat Row to alleviate the Rand congestion. That’d be a great idea, except to be really effective, they’d need to be there all of the time in locations where people can go inside to eat. Contrary to what a tour guide will tell you, it’s cold most of the time at school, and at least in Rand we can waste time in line indoors.
Granted, the greatest unsolved mystery is what the hell goes on at The Pub. If any computer science majors can figure out the algorithm they use on picking what to make first, please email your answers to eic.theslant@gmail.com. I’ll buy you some Pub wings for the right answer just so that I won’t have to wait in that damn line anymore.
My number’s next now, bitch.
SEC Men’s Basketball Power Rankings
1. Alabama (6-9, 0-0 SEC)
Alabama comes on top yet again, as they continue to start with A and come in strong with a second letter L. The third A in their name certainly doesn’t hurt their case.
2.Arkansas (8-8, 3-4, 5-6)
Arkansas, a state that no one ever wants to visit, continues to try and bring in some
travelers by placing second on this list. Just barely above Auburn, Arkansas needs some help to catch Alabama in the hunt for the wild card.
3. Auburn (10-20-3-4, Campbell Conference)
Auburn falls short of Alabama yet again in this rivalry to control the dumbass fan
demographic. Also Cam Newton got paid by Taco Bell, come on…
4. deadmau5 ($500)
First of all, deadmau5 is too low on this list. Hey, bro, I think I’m out of ecstasy, but I still love you… AND I LOVE THIS SONG, OH MY GOD!!!!!
5. Florida (?-?)
Timmy Tebow goes to bed every night praying to Jesus and holding a little Alfred plushie. He also wears “Greg Hardy” pajamas according to the paint in the tunnel between Towers East and West.
6. Georgia (13-37)
Georgia still can’t escape the fact that they will never be as good as Florida since G comes after F.
7. Kentucky (4-20)
In addition to having the biggest greaseball of a coach, Kentucky can’t overcome
the letters H I and J that seperate them and #6 Georgia.
8. LSU (1-800-Collect)
LSU may have won that BCS game that year that USC claims to be the champs, but the world’s greatest quarterback was immortalized in a Kanye West song: “got a Trojan in my pocket – Matt Leinart.”
9. Mississippi State (4-5 FG, 1-1 3 pt)
Is this a school?? How are they above Mississippi? Whose crazy idea was this??
10. Ole Miss (Stanley Cup runner-up)
We don’t like them there rebels, so O comes after M in this list. Ever since they ditched Colonel Reb, their mascot has, in spirit, been Admiral Ackbar – the leader of the Rebels.
11. South Carolina (6’5”)
In addition to being way down on this list, their mascot is also named Cocky. COCKY. COCK-Y. COCK. 8===D~~
12. Tennessee (4.184 J/C)
Whether listed as University of Tennessee or Tennessee, this school still ends up here. Bruce Pearl needs to stop cheating and get a new jacket that isn’t barf-orange.
13. Vanderbilt (ELO 1800)
There was never much hope for Vanderbilt to be at the top of this list. We start with a V for crying out loud. We’re not going to do this list in reverse alphabetical order… that’d be silly.
What to Drink this Weekend
Beer. Lots of beer. Uh, no…anything really. Anything with alcohol in it. Someting you can take to class on Friday.
Natty Light
*1 case of 24 12 oz. cans
Get in your car, go to the gas station, and buy some Natty Light. Pour into plastic cup as fast as possible. Chilling not necessary.
Franzia
*1.5 liter box of wine
Gently open cardboard box of Franzia.
Remove bag from box. Place bag on
coat rack. Stick face up to nozzle
and “enjoy.”
Angry Birds to Face YouTube in the Procrastination Bowl
The wide world of competitive distractions has been up on ends this past season, as newcomer Angry Birds has made it all the way to this year’s Procrastination Bowl and will duke it out with defending champion YouTube for the title of “Biggest Goddamn Waste of Time.”
Angry Birds, new to the inattention circuit this year, is the world’s best selling cell phone game. Developed by Finnish company Rovio Mobile, the objective of the game is to fling a flock of birds at entrenched green pigs who have stolen the birds’ eggs. Despite its seemingly noble cause, this game has essentially halted productivity across the world.
Stanley Carpazzio, Vanderbilt Associate Professor of undergraduate-level Archaeological Bullshit, said, “When my three students come to class, they’re supposed to be listening to ME! What do they do? They sit there rubbing their thumbs on their phones for fifty minutes. One of them even has the nerve to play with the sound on.”
Defending its position as the top distraction in the world, YouTube is confident that it can beat out its opponent’s avian assault. Since its creation in 2005, YouTube has essentially dropped productivity by 69% internationally. When asked about its challenger, YouTube founder Jawed Karim said, “Look, there’s videos of how to beat Angry Birds already on YouTube. I think we have the clear advantage.”
YouTube advanced to the big game after a controversial close win over Facebook. While Facebook is the world’s second most popular website, YouTube being the third, it was not expected to overtake the video-spam website as YouTube features content from more creepy adults and Europeans. However, in the final second of last week’s conference championship, Facebook took the lead by forcing mandatory profile changes upon everyone thereby giving people something to bitch about. In the closing seconds, YouTube scored enough wasted time by countering with a 25-second video of a puppy falling over backwards on top of a girl in nothing but underwear.
On its path to the title, Angry Birds recently defeated Twitter in a blowout in its most recent playoff game.
Game Designer Jaakko Iisalo said, “Well, Twitter is just worthless anyway. It never had a chance against us.”
The Procrastination Bowl is set to take place on February 29th in the New Orleans Superdome. Each team will be randomly assigned ten everyday people ranging from students to construction workers to stockbrokers. The citizens will attempt to do their work for one hour of game clock with a fifteen-minute halftime. YouTube and Angry Birds will have to do their best to waste as much time as possible. A perfect score is 600 wasted man-minutes.
Angry Birds Head Coach Teemo Rofflefoffleson said, “Our strategy is to use all of our levels possible. Since the last update to the game, we certainly have enough to get close to perfect.”
YouTube Quarterback Johnny Rocket was slightly skeptical of his team’s ability to pull off the clutch victory. “We’re too arrogant. Watching videos is such a passive activity. People want to move their thumbs,” Rocket said. He was then promptly removed from the team for “copyright violations.”
Whichever team will win the game is unclear at the moment, but productivity monitors are already weary of the large number of people sure to bet pennies on the game at centsports.com.
