How to Win the Dorm Energy Competition: Save and Sabotage

March 3, 2010 By

Most people can agree that saving the Earth is important. We can all relate to the rallying cry of “going green.” Breast Cancer Awareness has taken over the color pink, Livestrong has laid claim to the color yellow, and Gay Pride, in a joke shamelessly stolen from comedian Demetri Martin, has appropriated the entire color spectrum. For those people without breasts, Tour de France titles, or attraction towards the same sex, saving the environment and going green is a fantastic goal.
However, it’s easy to have these ideals and not act on them; just like it’s easy to slip on a “Save Darfur” T-shirt, receive compliments on your trendy style and never give it another thought. Actually changing our actions and taking personal responsibility for saving the Earth? Yeah, right.
Luckily, the Campus-wide Energy Competition provides an opportunity for dorms around Vanderbilt to go head-to-head and let out their competitive streak. Don’t frame this competition as a chance to “do our part to save the Earth.” Instead, get students riled up with cries of “Let’s beat those freshmen! Living on the Commons, who do they think they are? Those motherfuckers are going down!”
The possibilities for resolving rivalries are endless. What other chance is there for McGill and McTyeire to finally determine the best McDorm? Vandy Barnard can finally get revenge on the rest of us for being stuck with Nectar. And of course, Kissam desperately hopes for the day when it can prove itself to be worth something besides the punch line of all our jokes. Sorry Kissam, but you’ll never win this competition if homeless men and your residents’ overwhelming sense of despair keep using up your dorm’s energy.
So, to help all of you who are desperate for achievement and validation, here are some tips on saving energy and sabotaging the competition.

Saving Energy

1) Shower buddies!
This is the perfect solution for you, no matter your romantic situation. In a relationship? Spice it up. Have a crush? Impress him or her with your environmental awareness – then make your move. In the awkward friend zone? Just give up now, there’s no hope, and this actually won’t help at all. Looking for a casual hook-up? Here you go. In a fraternity? Than grab one of your brothers, jump in the shower, and figure out this whole sexual tension thing.
As long as you tell the other person how committed to the environment you are, they will suspect no ulterior motive. Unless they read The Slant.

2) Don’t shower
This is the flip side to showering with a buddy. It will save the environment even more … but will completely screw up your love life. Only for the strong-willed students who don’t want any romantic or sexual experiences. Or friends. Or people willing to be within ten feet of them, ever.
3) Cook outside
This one is simple: cook all your meals on a bonfire outside your dorm. The downsides to this idea are that it is incredibly time consuming, your food will taste terrible, and you might be arrested. On the other hand, you can enjoy the beauty of our campus while looking like a badass. Bonus points if you catch a squirrel!
4) Go for mood lighting 24/7
Keep the lights off or dimmed as much as possible. The mood lighting will either set the mood with your significant other or cause you to strain and damage your eyes. But hey, glasses are sexy, so it’s a win-win.
5) Sleep naked
Help your dorm save on air conditioning and sleep naked. If I need to explain how this may affect your love life, you must be a prospective student visiting during his or her junior year of high school. Hi, prospie! Hopefully we haven’t freaked out your parents too much. Come to Vanderbilt!

Sabotaging Others

1) Visit friends
Never plug in electronic devices in your dorm. Instead, wait to charge all your electronics until you are visiting friends in other dorms. Your friendships will be strengthened as you ruin their dorm’s chances in the competition. Some possible negative effects: they find out you’re using them for their dorm’s outlets, or even worse, you find out that none of your friends actually want to hang out with you. I don’t have any helpful advice for this situation.
2) Go on energy raids
This is the best idea ever. Get a bunch of dorm-mates together, dress up as ninjas, and select your target. VUPD will never notice a group of rampaging ninjas infiltrating Towers as long as you flash your Vandy IDs. Once you’re inside, go crazy and turn on all the lights, appliances, and running water you can find. This plan requires two things: a certain moral flexibility and nunchucks. You’ve gotta to have nunchucks.

In conclusion, I hope this article has helped you realize your potential to save some energy in your dorm, as well as how to take out the competition. It’s all about winning. The prize for this prestigious competition has got to be something amazing, and you don’t want to miss out. I don’t have a joke to end this article, so just remember what Captain Planet taught us, “The power is yours!” His less famous yet equally inspirational quote of “What the fuck is wrong with you, Fox News, just because it snowed in Nashville and has generally been quite cold this winter does not negate global warming! Did you guys not watch my fucking show when you were kids?” was pulled before that particular episode aired.

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Squirrels Upset Over Prevalence of Students

September 22, 2009 By

As classes started at Vanderbilt University, the squirrels are adjusting to another year. There are many differences; for example, a new meal plan which limits nut consumption to a mere 14 nuts a week. In addition, new squirrels in the area were barred until last Friday from entering the trees on Greek Row, a notorious place for older squirrels to party on the weekends. However, the biggest adjustment to life at Vanderbilt is the presence of humans everywhere on campus.

“It’s a little strange,” said a first year Squirrel History major. “I mean, I come from a forest, so all the humans keep startling me as they scurry around campus.”

Other squirrels do not mind the constant presence of humans.

“I think they are adorable,” said a third year Digging for Nuts and Seeds major. “The way they walk around on two feet is weird, and the way they nibble at their food is so cute!”

However, since human infestations can often get out of control, especially at college campuses, the dean of Squirrel Studies recently reassured squirrels and their parents about the precautions taken by the university.

“While humans and other wildlife do add to the natural beauty and charm of Vanderbilt University, we do have our Chewing Engineering majors at the ready to chew through electrical cords. Massive power outages in human nests are an easy way to cut back on the number of humans on campus.”

Many squirrels applauded this preparedness on the part of the university.

“I think they are on the right track,” said the coach of the Flying Squirrels team. “Just the other day, I was scavenging for food in a trash can, when a human threw something at me! They’ve got to be stopped.”

However, a professor of Wildlife Studies has argued for the protection of humans.

“By studying their behavior, we can figure out how to relocate some humans, as well as how to keep them safe,” she said in a SquirrelMail message addressed to the university population.

Vanderbilt University can only hold 4,5000 humans comfortably, and if the number goes up, the humans will experience a lack of food sources as well as diseases resulting from their proximity.

“Many humans go hungry throughout the week as they scavenge for flex meals and free pizza at club meetings,” said a graduate squirrel in the Wildlife Studies department. “Then, on the weekends, calorie consumption rises drastically when they drink beer. We believe it is the only way they can survive, especially during the long, cold winters.”

The human problem at Vanderbilt still looms, but the University is taking careful consideration to ensure the protection of the squirrels, and if possible, the humans as well.

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Shakespeare Inspires Carnal Lust

September 17, 2009 By

Over the summer, scholars discovered that a painting, wrongly identified as the likeness of Sir Walter Raleigh, is actually the only portrait of William Shakespeare painted during his lifetime. The literary world was rocked to its core, yet the influence of this new portrait of The Bard would goes far beyond the reaches of academia.

“He’s totally hot. Check out the reddish beard and the lacy neck ruffle,” said Portia Gobbo, a sophomore English major. “I mean, I’d do him.”

The pure attractiveness revealed by the portrait has skyrocketed William Shakespeare to a unique level of fame, on par with that of the Jonas Brothers, specifically Joe Jonas.

“Preteens across the country are going insane,” revealed Patrick Verona, the editor of TeenBeat magazine. “Shakespeare has been on the cover of our last three magazines, and his popularity isn’t waning yet. Our readers can’t wait to hear about his relationship with Anne Hathaway and his tenure as an actor at the Globe. We even get readers asking when his new play will finally hit the silver screen.”

Across the country, Shakespeare productions have been selling out, to the bemused surprise of directors and actors who had never expected to make a profit doing theatre. People are willing paying hundreds of dollars for a coveted seat to see Julius Caesar or The Tempest.

“My sister got Hannah Montana tickets for her birthday, but I got to see Two Gentlemen of Verona at the local community theatre!” raved Jessica Shylock, an eleven-year-old from Nashville.

At Vanderbilt, students who have found themselves desperate for a glimpse into their hero’s life and poetry have inundated English and Theatre classes on Shakespeare’s work.

“I changed my major to English, with an emphasis in Medieval Literature,” bragged junior Stephano Aragon. “I’m gonna make so much more money than all those idiots I left behind majoring in Mechanical or Electrical Engineering.”

Luckily, all Vanderbilt students now have the chance to attend an amazing production of The Merchant of Venice at our own Neely Auditorium. Opening night is [insert date] and it runs through [insert dates], and undergraduate tickets are free.

It is certain that the Shakespeare fever will continue to grow. Meanwhile, reports of whether this article is merely an elaborate plug for the VUT production of The Merchant of Venice have yet to be confirmed.

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