Chris Watkins

I know what you’re thinking: “Hmmmm….what could a clever little newspaper like the Slant possibly have against the Mesoamerican civilization noted for the only known fully developed written language of the pre-Columbian Americas?” Well, if you have been around a movie theater lately, you may have heard of a little movie called “2012.” And, if you have been willing to give up your first born child, you may have been able to afford a ticket to see it.

The movie is based on the ancient Mayan prediction that a series of cataclysmic events will cause the destruction of the world on December 23, 2012. (SPOILER ALERT) The plot revolves around a divorced couple, their two kids, and the mother’s new boyfriend who mainly serves as the family’s pilot chauffeur before getting conveniently killed off later in the movie. They miraculously manage to survive the crumbling of Los Angeles, the eruption of Yellowstone, the destruction of Las Vegas, a plane crash in the Himalayas, and massive super tidal waves higher than the Himalayas. Sounds awesome, right? Well, let me be the first to inform you that if you expect a dramatic masterpiece, you will be severely disappointed. Little-to-no character development…several random side plots which eventually converge…predictable ending….you get the picture. Other than the earth-shattering special effects (literally and figuratively), the movie is a cinematic disaster; however, the entire time, one cannot help but think that it’s all the Mayans fault. Which comes back to the issue at hand: what’s your beef with the Mayans?

Timing. That’s what it comes down to. They could not have picked a worse time to schedule their damn apocalypse. Two main (alliterative) reasons: Christmas and college.

December 23. Christmas Eve Eve. The Mayans must be the Grinch incarnate. They are literally stealing the Christmas of 2012 away from us. No Christmas Eve parties. No Christmas morning. No satisfaction of unwrapping yet another much needed pair of socks. No turkey or ham dinner on Christmas day. The Mayans did away with all of that. They just want to get everyone’s hopes up for the big Christmas holidays and then promptly dash them on the rocks, much like the tidal waves did in the movie. Those scoundrels….

However, the biggest travesty of the Mayan apocalypse may be the interruption of college life. Even though seniors may currently feel like the apocalypse is nigh with exam week coming up, they are, in fact, the lucky ones. They get to graduate and go on with their lives for a couple more years. The current freshman and sophomores don’t even get to graduate. That’s right pre-med people: you will probably have taken organic chem for nothing. Sucks, right? All that the current freshman and sophomores will get to show for their efforts will be a degenerate liver and an aversion to sunlight due to interminable hours in libraries. Special message to current freshman: You will only get five semesters of college partying. What a travesty!

So thanks for nothing Mayans. You may have been one of the most advanced Mesoamerican civilizations in history, but you were probably the worst schedulers known to man. You better watch your backs; we at the Slant are gunning for you……wait, what? The Spanish conquistadors already beat us to the punch and conquered the entire Mayan civilizaiton in the 16th and 17th centuries? Oh.

Well, don’t even think about coming back, Mayans. The ConquistaDores are watching….

Due the recent failures of the football team and related complaints/self-inflicted injuries/overt fraternity drunkenness (albeit not necessarily a new issue), Vandy Fanatics has agreed to hold another school road trip to an away sporting event in hopes to boost school spirit. This fall, the Fanatics sponsored a road trip to watch the football team’s road loss at LSU. “It was horrible,” one female participant stated after returning to Vanderbilt, “It rained the entire time and there was purple and yellow everywhere. The game was a complete fashion disaster.”

After much deliberation, the Fanatics have decided to travel to the Club Water Polo team’s tournament at Tulane University in New Orleans in February. “We feel that it is good to encourage excitement in lesser known sports and activities,” one Vandy Fanatic Representative stated. “Plus, anything is better than the football team at this point.”

The water polo team has been incredibly successful this year, posting a record of 10-2, the reverse of the football team’s probable record of 2-10. They recently finished second in the Southeast Regional Championship. “The last time the football team finished second in anything, it always had the phrase ‘to last’ immediately following it,” one team member said.

The Fanatics hope that the trip will spread enthusiasm about the more successful, lesser known sports teams on campus. One senior administrator was even quoted as saying, “We have a water polo team?” Many have already expressed interest in signing up for the trip. “I love horses! I’m fosho going!” one Freshman girl stated.

The Vandy Fanatics recently issued an official list of reasons to go on the trip in hopes to stir up further interest for the trip throughout the Vanderbilt student body. They are listed below:

You can watch a team that actually has a legitimate chance to win.
There are worse ways to spend a Saturday, i.e. drinking yourself into oblivion in the hope that you will somehow survive watching the Vanderbilt football game without trying to bash your skull in against the bleachers
It will be warm.
You will actually get to witness a passing offense in action.
Guys in matching Vanderbilt speedos proudly displaying the team colors on their arses
The tournament is in New Orleans around the time of Mardi Gras. Yes, THE Mardi Gras. If nothing else, it will be a change of scenery: instead of partying at the frats, partying on Bourbon street!
Girls in swimsuits. Enough said.

The Slant vs. The Mayans

Water Polo Team Not Horsing Around

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