Last weekend, Vanderbilt authorities were perplexed to find a Towers trash chute blocked by a futon. The search quickly began for suspects in this heinous violation of official notices by the school which remind students to only dispose of “tied plastic trash bags” and not “large cardboard boxes, futons, or other large objects which may clog the trash chute.”
The notices were originally posted after a student in Towers 2 chucked a large cardboard box down the chute in January 2010. The box was stuck for approximately one week before sanitation officials could remove it.
“The notices were placed to discourage such ridiculous activities. The futon part was added as kind of an after-thought. The thinking was that it wasn’t possible but should be mentioned in case people got boxes and futons confused,” stated one Vanderbilt official.
On Monday, the culprit was finally found in second semester senior, James Jefferies. When questioned about his motive for the crime, he said, “Well, did you want me to walk it down to the dumpster? Hell no. I’m in my last collegiate semester. I don’t have to do anything.”
Since the incident, Vanderbilt officials have considered options to discourage similar activities in the future.
One idea was to completely seal off the trash chutes from use in order to prevent all misuse, but this idea was shot down due mainly to the general apathy of the Vanderbilt student body. It was decided that students would simply pile trash bags up in front of the chute door until someone else did something about it.
“That already happens in Branscomb and there isn’t even a trash chute there,” stated one official.
Other ideas presented included setting up more security cameras, placing bouncers at trash chute doors, and dragons; however, these were shut down due to lack of funding and lack of dragons.
In the end, the board settled on sending fines to perpetrators in order to get compensation for removal costs. When asked about his fine, Jefferies merely shrugged and stated, “I think I chucked it down the trash chute.”
Reckless Student Chucks Futon Down Trash Chute
Chinese Military Gets Maverick-y
The Chinese have always been known as innovators. From security systems (the Great Wall) to ways of losing fingers (fireworks), China has a reputation for revolutionizing the way people live their everyday lives.
Well folks, they are at it again. This month a Chinese military training video leaked onto the internet containing clips from the well-loved American classic film Top Gun. In a world where mashups and remixes dominate the interwebs, China has successfully created the world’s first both practical and entertaining mashup (sorry, Mr. Gillis, but if I listen to Feed the Animals for too long my ears begin to bleed…no hard feelings).
Reactions to the training video have been mixed. Rogert Ebert gave it “two thumbs down” saying, “A bad training film involving elements of a cinematic masterpiece? We already had Baby Geniuses teaching us how not to make a good movie and it basically copied the premise of those fantastic E*Trade commercials. Seriously, babies talking like adults? Now that is actually genius.”
Others found the training video inspiring and cinematically enthralling. The revolutionary genre blending technique has already prompted numerous similarly styled videos across the globe. In fact, Korean neighbor Kim Jong-il has already made plans to incorporate scenes from Hollywood blockbusters into his new self-glorification/brainwashing video.
“I’ve been thinking about possibly taking some clips from Bruce Almighty or Phenonmenon,” says Kim. “Yes, those appeal greatly to my ego… I mean, they mirror my everyday life quite closely.”
However, the question on everyone’s mind has been “Why Top Gun?” As it turns out, the movie itself has many close ties to the country known variously as The Middle Kingdom, That Place with Pandas, and The Land of 14-Year-Old Olympians.
It is a little known fact outside the People’s Republic of China that many Chinese people identify Tom Cruise as the “David Hasselhoff of China.” When questioned about his country’s respect for Tom Cruise and his inclusion in the training video, China’s president Hu Jintao merely shrugged and said, “His crazy is almost as crazy as our crazy.”
Additionally, in an early version of the movie’s script, Anthony Edwards’s character was not named “Goose” but instead was “Peking Duck.” Other rumors claim that Kenny Loggin’s immortal song “Danger Zone” was actually written about Beijing’s Forbidden City.
In conclusion, regardless of whether or not the video is well received, China has indeed shown once and for all that they have not lost that lovin’ feeling.
Slant Gift-O-Scopes
Do you smell that, Vanderbilt? That’s the smell of cheer and goodwill with a hint of peppermint. You know what that means: everyone’s favorite December holiday is right around the corner – Exam Week! Nothing says joy quite like review sheets and flashcards.
However, throughout the endless festivities of Exam Week, a dark shadow looms on the horizon – Christmas shopping.
Christmas is a time of giving and receiving, of reindeer and elves, and of milk and cookies, but most of all Christmas is the time of year to empty your wallets and spend money on the people you love.
Buying Christmas presents can be a stressful time for most people due to the endless stream of stores, sales, and shopping mall Santas. That’s why we here at The Slant would like to provide you, the reader, with a pre-made shopping list for all of your Vanderbuddies’s Christmas needs. Let’s get on with it, shall we?
Engineers: Hugs
- As I can tell you from first-hand experience, the one thing engineers need more than anything (other than sunlight) is human contact. So this holiday season, bestow upon your favorite purveyor of processes and powertrains a hug and ignore the awkward squirming. That’s just our way of saying hello.
Women’s and Gender Studies Majors: A loaf of
bread, a package of thin sliced turkey lunch
meat, a package of Swiss cheese, a head of let
tuce, and a jar of mayonnaise
- I’m sure they could figure out something to do with this stuff.
Film Studies Majors: 3D Glasses
- It’s only a matter of time before Citizen Kane is rereleased in 3D, so you might as well get ahead of the curve and snag a pair of these for your tweed-jacket wearing comrades.
English Majors: Money
- They’re going to need it after they graduate. Sitting around in various coffee shops working on your first novel isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Plus, those Toffee Mocha Frapuccinos are expensive!
Foreign Language Majors/International
Students: Subtitles
- Let’s be honest: this would be more of a gift for everyone else.
Pre-Med Students: False Hope
- “Don’t worry! It only gets easier after you get into med school! Haven’t you ever seen Scrubs?”
Fraternity Members: Brokeback Mountain on
DVD
- This movie will teach them the true meaning of the word ‘bromance.’ After watching it once, they’ll wish they knew how to quit this movie too.
Philosophy Majors: Total Consciousness
- So they’ll have that goin’ for them, which is nice.
HOD/Education Majors: Respect
- I bet you thought I was going to say crayons. No, these guys and gals deserve a little respect. I mean, like, Peabody is, like, the top school in the country in its field. And that’s, like, really impressive and stuff. Plus, they write lots of papers which is, like, totally stressful.
But they aren’t opposed to use crayons as stocking stuffers, in case you were wondering.
Reanimated Liver Seeks Revenge
Students beware: Vanderbilt’s least respected organ, the liver, has come to life and is out for revenge.
During the wee hours of Saturday morning, in what some have called “an experiment gone wrong” and “a really bad idea,” researchers in Vanderbilt’s Medical Center led by Dr. Frank Enschtein successfully reanimated a liver that was due for transplant. However, during the course of the procedure, the liver escaped from the laboratory and has been metaphorically climbing in windows and snatching people up ever since.
In an attempt to help students prepare for possible encounters with the liver in question, Vanderbilt administrators have declared this week to be Liver Awareness Week. Chancellor Nick Zeppos commented on the announcement:
“Students at this school continually neglect their own livers on a weekly basis. Now, more than ever, they need to be aware of the dangers this liver presents to their well-beings before it is too late.”
What dangers, you ask? The liver possesses the most dangerous weapon on the planet: knowledge. In particular, it possesses the knowledge that alcohol consumption damages one’s liver (I know, I was surprised too. Getting my frat on has long-term consequences on my health? Unbelievable…)
This mind-blowing revelation delivered by an actual liver could result in choosing to abstain from drinking forever. Just one encounter with the liver could be enough to cause one to simply break out in tears at the sight of a drunk person dancing on an elevated surface.
Chancellor Zeppos has this warning for the liver: “We’re looking for you. We gon’ find you. I’m lettin’ you know now. You can run and tell that, homeboy.”
It is safe to assume that the liver could spell the end of Vanderbilt raging as we know it. So, if you see the liver around campus, run as fast as you can in the opposite direction or you will never be able to listen to Ke$ha again without cringing.
Also, the liver has been seen carrying nunchucks, so watch out for that too.
Writer’s Block Affects Slant Staff, Morale Plummets
This past week, The Slant’s staff has been ravaged by a dangerous affliction which has kept us pained, frustrated, and mentally rolling around in the fetal position. No, it is not herpes; it is writer’s block, a disease which affects millions of Americans each year. Unfamiliar with this illness? I will attempt to convey to you the signs of this crippling sickness, so that you and your fellow comrades can catch this silent killer before it does any damage to your GPA… or your dignity.
Wikipedia, everyone’s first stop for research information, defines writer’s block as “a condition in which an author loses the ability to produce new work.” We here at The Slant would like to modify this definition to “a stupid condition that no one likes and who was probably adopted by his parents but wasn’t told until he was in the midst of his angsty teen years so decided to take out his frustration on the staff of the coolest newspaper at Vanderbilt.”
Our creativity has been steadily decreasing since the last issue. Typical meetings consist of laughter and revelry; ideas flowed like the pristine waters of Rand’s Hydration Station, and morale soared like the sounds of formulaic pop music from weekend frat ragers. However, the past few meetings have consisted of stares, avoided eye contact, and random YouTube diversions more awkward than the last time I brought a female back to my room… but that’s a story for another time…
However, writer’s block not only affects us here at the Slant. Many celebrities have seen the dangers of writer’s block. J.K. Rowling only killed off Voldemort because she couldn’t think of anywhere else to go with the series (Harry Potter in Space; it could have been epic). John Grisham perpetually suffers from writer’s block and thus merely reprints the same book with different character names. Homer was a Greek poet who was so deeply stricken by writer’s block that he was never actually able to write down the Iliad and the Odyssey but instead had to commit them to memory.
Vanderbilt students, keep in mind the dangers of writer’s block and do not let it affect you. Early symptoms of writer’s block include but are not limited to: staring blankly at your computer screen/piece of paper, biting of your fingernails, banging your head against the wall, crying, shaking your head and rocking back and forth simultaneously.
OASIS Unable to Let Go, YES Putting on a Show
Early Sunday morning, ex-Vanderbilt course registration program OASIS was found unconscious in a Kissam bathroom wearing nothing but a dirty trench coat and holding a quarter-full bottle of malt whiskey. The washed-up registration system has been unemployed since the spring when Vanderbilt administrators replaced him with the youthful program YES, who has made quite a name for himself around campus.
For those of you who were living under a rock last semester and/or are now snuggled away in the Commons, OASIS was the old Vanderbilt program that students used to attempt to register for classes. He was slower than the passage of time during your 8 a.m. lecture, more tedious than using soap every time you shower, and more retro than Technicolor windbreakers, even though he started work well after Saved by the Bell had run its course. Since OASIS was fired during the Spring 2010 semester, his life has been in a downward spiral worse than that of Brendan Fraser’s acting career since The Mummy. He lost his home and was forced to move into a one bedroom apartment with his cousins Command Prompt and Pong.
Unemployment and alcoholism have been the norm for him since he was let go. He has been unable to fully give up his connection to Vanderbilt.
“We’ve apprehended him disturbing the peace around campus a number of times,” VUPD officer Paul Standsaround reported. “One time in particular, he was hiding in one of the magnolia trees over near Kirkland Hall yelling ‘Pass,’ ‘Fail,’ or ‘Waitlist’ at every female who walked by. The incident in Kissam this weekend has just been another in a long string of embarrassing occurrences.”
VUPD escorted him back to his cousins’ apartment Sunday afternoon. OASIS could not be reached for comment.
In contrast, YES, Vanderbilt’s new registration program, is taking campus by storm. With connections to OAK, student registration, and student accounts, what some are calling “Fabiani [Duarte] in computer program form” has had nothing but positive reviews since he started. The young program has been seen participating in all types of popular campus activities including playing dizzy bat at the weekend fraternity tailgates, shooting hoops over at the rec, and wandering dejectedly around Stevenson.
“Let’s face it. I’m a big deal. I do it all,” he says. “That’s why I like to get out and meet new people and try new things. People can really see how big of a deal I am. What did you say? Overconfidence? Not me. I’m incredibly modest. My modesty is probably my best quality. Well, that and my incredibly smooth interface. Damn, I’m good.”
Counterpoint: Go Home- Why do something when you can do nothing?
The stress of midterms. The agony of papers. The torture of having to eat at the Commons for the umpteenth week in a row. When it was all over, I only wanted to do one thing. Go party it up with my bros on the beach? No. Tear it up on the slopes of the Rocky Mountains? Nope. I wanted to go home.
Now I understand that at this point in the article some of you may be thinking something along the lines of “What a loser?” or “Who is this little bitch?” or maybe even “What is this newspaper?” All valid questions, but if you find yourself asking those questions, I could care less if you read this anyway.
But the question remains, why would I want to return home? Well, as a lowly freshman….ahem, “first-year”…..such as myself, I still sort of enjoy going back. I know that some people may argue that the beach or the mountains are “FREAKIN SWEET” or that their parents would take away their freedom that they have so enjoyed over the past months, but there is way too much upside to going home.
First, home is cheap. Spring Break trips can get really expensive, really fast. Beach house/cabin + equipment rental + food + select beverages = $$$ that I don’t have. Food is the real killer for me. They don’t take meal plan outside of Vanderbilt. Believe me. I have tried. However, parents are the ultimate meal plan. You don’t have to swipe your card, but dinner will still be on the table. As much as I think I love Chef James and the Wok, nothing beats a home-cooked meal. Well, maybe one of Beatrice’s Randwiches. Those sandwiches are definitely made with love.
Second, it’s much safer to go home. You know how they say that most accidents occur within a few miles of one’s home? Over spring break, it’s entirely the opposite. Most accidents over spring break tend to happen in some far away location with the help of some liquid courage after someone says something along the lines of “Oh, yeah, back-flipping off that huge wall would be an awesome idea!” or “Dude, we should totally climb up the side of the pier…” And don’t even get me started about skiing. You are strapping thin planks to your feet and skiing down a mountain of frozen water, barely squirting past large trees and other fellow skiers. Whoever thought that sport was a smart idea in the first place obviously had some sort of brain injury, or at least received one shortly thereafter (Oddly enough, pine trees aren’t as soft as some people make them out to be).
Back at the beach there are a myriad of hidden dangers, especially the three S’s: Sunburns, Sharks, and Sand. Sunburns and sharks alone are bad enough, but sand is the sneaky killer. It gets everywhere. I’m not exaggerating. You know exactly what I am talking about. I still find sand in shoes, sandals, luggage, and regions of my body from my excursion to Florida last summer. I will never again underestimate the annoyance of a single grain of sand. You know that feeling where you know something is wrong, but you can’t figure out what it is? It’s probably a piece of sand lodged inside your ear or some other orifice that you will never, I repeat, NEVER be able to get out.
But seriously, what is better than sitting around doing nothing for an entire week except napping and watching movies with your friends from back home? Nothing comes to mind. Well, maybe jet-skis. Or sand volleyball. Or sunsets over the ocean. Or warm weather. Oh. Maybe I need to rethink things a bit…..
Wacky Weather Threatens Vanderbilt
Since the start of the semester, Nashville has been ravaged by cold temperatures and unusual amounts of snow. So far, the weather has been received less warmly than a Holocaust joke at a Bar-mitzvah or than a clown anywhere.
After The Weekend Snowstorm of 2010 (you all know what I am referring to), Nashville and the Vanderbubble woke up to nearly six inches of snow on the ground. All life in the city of Nashville froze for almost three days straight (no pun intended). Whether it was the extreme cold or the complete lack of any snow plows whatsoever, everything shut down from Friday to Sunday, including Vanderbilt’s Vandy Van service. “No Vandy Vans! God, why have you forsaken me?!” a freshman was heard screaming outside the Commons Center.
The lack of Vandy Vans combined with the sissyness of Vanderbilt students caused Greek Row to nearly shut down for the weekend. One frat-star recounted, “It was like a ghost-town in the Wild West except it was covered in snow and most of the houses were in worse shape.”
There were a few brave souls who managed to venture outside into the Great White Mess. One student noted that it was “frostier than A.J. Ogilvy’s hair tips” outside. Snowball fights, snowman building, and failed attempts at sledding could all be seen around campus. Several groups decided to play games of tackle football in the snow, to which shivering bystanders yelled encouraging cheers such as “Idiots!”, “I hope you get frostbite!”, and “Why am I still standing out here yelling things?”
For some students, it was one of the few times they had ever seen snow. A Floridian was seen running in circles saying, “Oh my God, snow. Oh my God, snow. Oh my God, snow. Oh my God, snow.” A New Jerseyan looked on in disgust. “I left the North primarily to get away from the snow,” he said. “Well, that and to get away from my parents.”
When the snow started falling in the wee hours of Friday morning, many students had hoped that Vanderbilt would cancel school for the day. Unfortunately, school continued as planned. Chancellor Nick Zeppos stated, “Come on people, suck it up. I went to school in Wisconsin for God’s sake! This is nothing. I used to have to walk to class in two feet of snow. Uphill. Both ways. Madison had some weird hills…”
Underwear Bomber Causes Increased Security
This December, one man’s underwear captured the attention of the entire nation. And it wasn’t George Clooney’s.
On Christmas Day, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab of Yemen tried to detonate an explosive device that was sewn into his underwear on a flight from Amsterdam to Detroit. “Tried” is the key word in that statement; the device failed to detonate properly and the man only succeeded in setting his pants on fire. The fire was quickly extinguished and no damage to the plane occurred.
The bomber was quickly restrained and questioned of his motives. He claimed that he had only wished to start the fire to roast marshmallows to sate his ravenous hunger during the long flight. To this, one bystander yelled, “Liar, liar, pants on fire!” Another passenger commented that it was the first time he had heard the word “fire-crotch” used not referencing a red-head.
American officials have drastically increased airport security as a result of the attempted attack. The first major change in the security process is the addition of full body scanners to security checkpoints. These scanners scan through a person’s clothes to show any unusual shapes which could be weapons of some kind. However, some have argued that the these body scanners infringe on the privacy of individuals by displaying the contour of the person’s actual body.
“It has made some people uncomfortable,” states a representative for the Los Angeles Airport, “but that’s the cost of security, I guess. The image of your naked body is helping keep America safe one scan at a time. Shouldn’t it comfort you that a random guy gets to see what you look like without clothes on?”
Nevertheless, many government officials still feel like this step up in security will still not be enough. On January 20, the Department of Homeland Security announced plans for a new law outlawing the use of underwear on domestic and international flights, stating that America “cannot let another individual threaten America’s security by having to choose between boxers or briefs or bombs.”
The new law has been embraced by many different social groups, including hippies, homeless/poor people, bros, guidos, and trashy celebrities nationwide. Famous publicity-stuntist Lindsay Lohan was quoted as saying, “Finally! It is now socially acceptable to go commando in public. I will no longer be the only one!”
Towers RA Caught Kicking Puppies on West End
Well….not really. But we would like you to think so. You are probably only going to remember the headline anyway, so feel free to spread that rumor around. Only YOU can destroy someone’s reputation.
But, seriously, Vanderbilt Resident Advisors have been on a rampage recently. RAs have been breaking up parties and dishing out warnings like it’s their job. Upperclassmen have reported feeling 53% more annoyed by dorm rules and regulations over the past month, due, in part, to an upsurge in RA strictness. With finals approaching, RAs have become less tolerant of loud music, yelling, and “getting crunk with my boys,” as one fraternity member put it.
As winter grows steadily closer to Nashville, Vanderbilt students have found themselves getting lazier and less likely to leave their rooms on weekends to party; indeed, dorm room parties in November were up 13% over parties in October. Some students hoped that RAs would empathize with their dilemma, but to no avail. ”It’s just too flippin’ cold!” a Freshman at the Commons stated, “It’s ridiculous to ask us to leave our dorm rooms in this weather. This dress was not tailored to be worn in temperatures under fifty degrees!”
Students have even hypothesized that RAs are, in fact, a highly evolved, super-annoying race of human beings who are impervious to cold temperatures or heartfelt groveling. Students also say that RAs are trained to smell fear and have a sixth sense that detects lies. Although the Slant can neither confirm nor deny the validity of these rumors, these stories demonstrate the community of fear being created by campus RAs. When questioned about these rumors, a Towers RA exclaimed, “Wait, how did you get up here? This is the tenth floor!”
In conclusion, we at the Slant would like to emphasize that in no way are your RAs evil zombies who prey on fun and happiness. This is (probably) not true (although in Kissam, who knows?).
*All stats taken from a Hustler survey which discovered that 69% of all percentages are made up.
