“Finally!” said troll Craig McKraath. “With these giant hands and that tiny screen, how was I supposed to twitter while finding that hot sushi joint? Impossible! I still can’t use most of those apps or even get a cell-phone out of the deal, but now I can do what I’ve always wanted to do— read books! Just like I’ve always been able to do. Just electronically. Just for the hell of it.”

For years, fawns, ogres and titans the world over have bemoaned the trend towards smaller and lighter. “Blackberries are devilishly difficult,” said behemoth John Taylor Haagwadeeth. “No really, I was talking to Satan the other day about how he designed that tiny QWERTY keyboard to be just big enough to look attractive, but small enough to frustrate even the most text-crazy 8 year-olds.”

Some fans have seen this as the next step for Apple. “OMG, like, I’m totally their biggest fan! No, really, I’m like 10’ 9” and 950 pounds. But like, the Giant iPhone is so totally Apple! You know, they just make it simple and like work, you know? So like, I totally don’t have to think about it. Yeah, just like, no thinking at all.”

Although not everyone is so enthusiastic; critics claim that Apple has done nothing except expand the iPhone and strip functionality. “As someone who has unusually large testicles,” said colossus Hung Fo Sho, “I was impressed by the balls of Steve Jobs for releasing something that doesn’t multi-task, can’t play flash videos, has no camera and requires typing on a screen. Those balls are the only thing that allow Steve Jobs to be called a “god.”

Perhaps, however, the biggest problem is not within the sleek black case of the iPad. “Wait a minute, what did you say the Giant iPhone was called? Oh man, you had me going there for a second. I mean, I literally have my head in the clouds all day, but even I’m not oblivious. Hahaha, the iPad, that’s a bloody stupid name.”

Every Halloween, we zombie hunters are presented with a problem: how can we tell the difference between a drunken Vandy student and a real flesh-eating zombie? Both tend to have their clothing ripped off by the groping fingers of the mindless. Sure, I suppose we COULD ask them, but what if they are dedicated actors or mutated super-zombies? Come on now, let’s be serious here.

In the wake of such inspirational documentaries like Zombieland and Zombie Strippers, we must remain vigilant against the threat of the undead. If in doubt, blow off their heads. Their mouths look bloody and they look ashen? Gone. They stumble around and moan? Kablam! You stumble? BOOM! Let’s get over ourselves—we have a world to save.

However, we also have to show restraint. Just because your friend snobbishly one-ups your own knowledge of zombies doesn’t give you a legally-authorized reason to shoot them. In fact, none of the reasons I present are exactly legal. Don’t worry though: the end is going to be tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the next day. But just like any other apocalyptic prophet, you should trust me: it’s obviously happening soon.

A key element of our protective anti-zombie strategy is that no one dress like the undead this Halloween. First of all, we don’t want any unnecessary deaths. Second, this prevents you from dressing as Edward from Twilight to get laid, which will only work with 13 year-olds. Finally—and this is most important—I want to be the only zombie on campus this year.

That is all. Over and out.

We’ve still figuring out this whole “blogging” thing, but let’s just say we’ve got some enthusiastic “internet nerds,” errr “bloggers” pretty excited. So we should have new content up here regularly. Consider yourself warned.

On a side note, can I boost about how happy this site makes me? As Technical Director of the Slant, I did… absolutely nothing. Nada. I tried doing a bunch of stuff last year as el Presidente of el Slant, but nothing came of that either. So imagine my surprise when Meryem Dede called me up and was all like “Wham! Look at this whole website thing I whipped up! Done!” Slightly more honestly, Meryem and the dude who actually coded the damn thing—programming extraordinaire Jim Hayes—busted their butts for this website. In contrast to the years that our website has floundered in aesthetic purgatory—“I guess this isn’t so bad?”—they got this site to you in less than 2 months. Plus, it looks DAMN good. Props.

Here’s the deal: you screen for a particular study, check into a hospital for a pre-determined number of days, and then they dose you and make sure everything works according to plan. The vast majority of studies are for healthy volunteers so that they’re not giving potentially rough-and-tumble drugs to little Timmy as he’s hooked into a dialysis machine and “conversing” with the stripper he received from the Make-a-Wish foundation. And I mean healthy volunteers— no smoking, no drugs, no allergies, no health problems and no old people or fatties. But ladies, don’t be too healthy; most places don’t accept women who can have “drug babies”—a.k.a. liabilities. So get back to the kitchen and bedroom, because this is one workplace you’re not entering. Don’t blame me—I’d love for our studies to NOT be raging sausage festivals, or, when school is out, bizarro frat houses.

I know that you’re thinking “Oh my god, isn’t doing that like, dangerous or something?” Actually, it’s not. Your last Friday drink-a-thon was probably more dangerous than the couple milligrams of scrutinized molecules they’re sending your way. They start with tons of computer simulation, move onto animal testing (thanks, Fluffy!) and then introduce it to humans with a tiny fraction of a real dose. Oh wait, you’re also in a hospital being monitored 24/7. In the four separate studies that I’ve done—schizophrenia, Alzheimer’s, hepatitis and more—I’ve never felt anything or seen anyone have any problems. Sorry Billy Bong McThrillseeker, it’s remarkably uneventful. (Although, in the interest of full disclosure, the only “problem” I’ve witnessed was a group that collectively got really trippy dreams. But that’s only if you’re really lucky/unlucky.) And after you’ve talked with scores of people who have been doing this since the mid-90’s, you relax a bit.

Being locked up in a hospital isn’t too bad. The last place I was at— Spaulding Clinical in West Bend Wisconsin—had great wireless, a big projector TV, XBox 360 and Wii, a pool table, a poker table, catered food, TVs in all our spacious rooms and more. They even allow fertile women. At $250 a day, it’s like I’m getting paid $15 to watch a movie, $50 for an afternoon of poker and $100 to sleep. I made more money in a week than I would working part-time at school all year. At that pay-rate, I will happily jump throw through their couple of hoops. Yes, it involves needles, but the fact that you become completely fearless of them within a couple days is really a positive thing. Obviously.

If you think that you can just spend the rest of your summers in air-conditioned Drug Dens, think again—you should legally respect the 2-3 month wash-out period between studies. Since the various pharma companies can’t compare notes yet, you don’t have to wait, but unless you want multiple drugs partying and raving together in your body (a.k.a. trashing it), then you need to take breaks.

I could be like ol’ Grandpa Moneybags and regal you with stories for hours on end, but I’m going to be lazy and just point you towards more information if you want it. JARL.org (short for Just Another Lab Rat) is arguably better than GPGP.net (Guinea Pigs Get Paid) or ClinicalConnection.com, but they all point you in the right direction. Usually, you just want to find the closest testing facilities and sign-up for their mailing lists. Make sure to tell the pharmaceutical companies that Brendan Alviani recommended you, so that I can receive $100 (and, like any good drug transaction, I’ll give you a cut too). Discuss your health status with your physician before beginning any study. Side effects may include: diarrhea, headaches, other non-existent side effects and swollen bank accounts.