Two weeks ago, hundreds of freshmen flocked to frat row where they hoped to experience Vanderbilt’s most beloved pastime, raging, for themselves. Though many freshies were impressed by the parties they saw, there were a few events that inexplicably flew under the radar.
Phi Phi Gamma’s “Puritan Bros and Amish Hos” party somehow attracted only eleven freshmen all night. The event, described by fraternity president Chad Brunswick as “a combination of fratting and a time-honored abstinence from technology,” allowed partygoers to engage in a variety of fun, God-fearing activities. In addition to classics such as “Churn the Natty” and “Goat Milk Pong,” participants had the opportunity to take an alcohol-education class in which they could view firsthand the horrific effects of drunk buggying.
“It definitely opened my eyes,” exclaimed Kurt Moeman, one of the freshmen who attended the event.” Your reaction time is just so reduced with booze… your horses might sway to the left or right, and you’ve only got about 20 minutes to pull them back into line before your ride gets somewhat perturbed.”
Another unfairly ignored event was Pi Omicron Tau’s “Hungry Hungry Hipsters” party in which indie freshmen smoked marijuana in the back of the fraternity house and then used their pot-induced munchies to power through a vegan feast. In addition, hipster guests were invited to play a modified version of the titular “Hungry Hungry Hippos” game on the front lawn of the house in which the goal was not to eat the most pellets but instead for each player to eat a different amount of pellets than all the other players.
Reportedly, most freshmen ignored the party not only because it had the word “hipster” in its description, but also because of their unwillingness to use illegal drugs as of yet. Of course, this tendency is expected to disappear within the next few weeks as insecure freshmen try to impress fraternity upperclassmen by completely mimicking their habits and mannerisms.
Finally, Gamma Alpha Pi’s “Vinyl Fantasy” had an unexpectedly low turnout as well. This sci-fi/fantasy party allowed participants to enter a number of differently themed wings of the house and party like it’s the 12th day of Bardmoon. The “Lord of the G-Strings” section, for example, hosted a number of scantily clad high-elves along with women of other fantasy races and species. According to the fraternity’s president, though, the hobbit and orcish women were strangely under-utilized for most of the night.
However, the party’s “Transwhoremers” wing found surprising popularity compared to the other sections. For this portion, the frat hired a group of Nashville prostitutes to role-play as robots for the event’s guests; the partygoer who was able to seduce the most women also gained the coveted title of Brahptimus Prime. Though the fraternity initially expected this portion to be a flop, a large number of men from other frats ended up attending. “If a woman’s a robot,” claimed fratter Rodney Lipman, “that bitch does whatever I say. That’s pretty much the dream of every bro out there.”
While these parties may not have found the audience they deserved, it seems that most freshmen did end up finding their favorite themes elsewhere on frat row. A Commons-wide survey conducted by The Slant on the following Monday found that 93.7% of freshmen partygoers preferred the “Beer and Sex” theme above the rest.
“Innovative” Frat Parties Fail to Attract New Freshmen
Wraptopia: Vanderbilt’s New Vision for the Commons
Although many freshmen found themselves confused after the first four meals at orientation consisted solely of wraps and sides, Vanderbilt Dining has decided to reveal to the public that the meals were actually a preview of next year’s pending All-Wraps Meal Plan.
Jeffrey Campbell, the recently-appointed Vanderbilt Dining Chairman of Wrap-Related Foodstuffs, plans to completely transform the Commons Dining Hall into a new eatery dubbed “Wraptopia.”
“You see, it’s not really food until it’s wrapped,” pointed out Campbell. “It’s just like putting the wrapping on a Christmas present. The only difference here is that you’re eating the present. And it’s not Christmas.”
Campbell plans to have Wraptopia do away with all the “impurely prepared food” that is currently cooked in the Commons, and instead replace it with appropriately wrap-related substitutes. However, he does note that the actual food content will be the same; it will just all be in wrap form.
“It’s really a perfect system,” states Campbell. “You can go to the Brick Oven as usual. But, instead of getting an unholy ‘normal’ pizza, you get a pizza wrap. Just like the old pizza, but without that ‘I just ate an unwrapped item of food’ guilty feeling.”
Accompanied by Wraptopia’s engenderment will be a new, obligatory meal plan which replaces the current entreé-side combinations with the allowance of one “wrap meal” per meal period. Campbell states that wrap meals generally consist of a wrap, a very bad-tasting bag of sub-par chips, and maybe some questionable-looking fruit.
“The idea here is to focus on the beautiful, seductive wrap itself,” he explains. “In fact, I voted to not even include those other tear-evoking sides at all. In the end, I decided that the chips were alright since they technically come in some sort of wrapping. The fruit was also a tough call, but I compromised at simply shrink-wrapping the fruit before its distribution.
Campbell also explained that he might allow beverages in a future revision of the meal plan.
These proposed changes come after a test-run of the new wraps-only plan on the class of 2013. During the four-meal survey period, Campbell noted that most freshmen “grotesquely squinted at the wraps after biting into them, most likely marveling at the mystique of their luscious intricacies.” Though there were some recorded complaints that the meals didn’t offer enough variety, Campbell points out that the wraps came in vastly different styles of “vomit-inducing green” and “unsettling beige-ish color.”
The Chairman of Wrap-Related Foodstuffs also notes that Wraptopia will be a social experience in addition to an eatery. He plans to use it as a venue to host daily concerts of his indie band, Wrapture, which will play such exciting singles as their newly recorded track, “Bohemian Wrapsody.” The focus of Wraptopia, exclaims Campbell, is to provide an opportunity for socialization which rivals that of the Commons, but also allows students to come together in their appreciation and worship of wraps. “Everyone likes wraps,” proclaims Campbell. “Everyone who loves anything loves them. Do you love something? Then you love wraps too!”
The Committee on Wrap-Related Foodstuffs plans to begin holding auditions for Wraptopia’s lettuce-haired mascot, Wrapunzel, sometime in March 2010.
