Some people would argue that the U.S. News and World Report Rankings are not important. Those people do not go to Vanderbilt. This year Vanderbilt University reached a new high in the Rankings, reaching #17. “We really are proud of all our upward movement! $300 million dollars spent on the Commons and we moved up one whole space! That means we just have to spend another 4.8 billion dollars to get to that number one spot,” claimed admissions counselor Cindy Schects. While this is certainly true and only a matter of time, not everyone is willing to wait for the big number one spot. “I don’t get it, I paid my $50,000 a year here for four years just like everyone else,” explained one recent Vanderbilt Graduate, “and I gladly paid with the expectation that my degree would be worth more when I graduated because Vanderbilt was going spend its way to the top academically. But noooooooo instead they spend and spend and now I have to find a job on the merit of my 2.6 GPA in film studies.”
While the administration has certainly kept a positive attitude externally, internally they have been less than enthusiastic about the small bump. One anonymous source within the administration declared, “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck. We reject all those fucking kids and then fucking Emory and every other top fucking 25 school does the same fucking thing. What the fuck, seriously?” Reports of bribery have begun to circulate with many speculating that it will not only work better but be more cost effective as well. “All the stupid college kids think we put in new computers for them. But we’re really doing it for the rankings. Let’s be serious, all you guys do is surf the web anyways, how new of a computer do you need to do that?” said Don Matthews head of Vanderbilt ITS.
What has really been baffling has been the fact that Vanderbilt has admitted its “best and brightest” the last two years, and yet hasn’t moved very much in the rankings. One Princeton graduate named Harold Worchestershire III, enlightened (without request) this Slant reporter: “Vanderbilt is a jock school, always has been and always will. Maybe if they didn’t go to a bowl last year they could have broken the top fifteen. When will you learn that losing is winning in academics!? Why else would we encourage people to major in unemployable disciplines such as film studies?” Somewhere a recent Vanderbilt graduate was crying.
