Lesson #2: Minesweeper is really, really hard. Once you actually get to your internship, you will quickly realize one very important lesson about unpaid internships: no one has a fucking clue about what you are there for. Thus, you will brave all the traffic only to sit in your cubicle and wait for something to do. Minesweeper is standard with all Windows computers, and fortunately near impossible to master. So, get comfy and click your heart away (it’s a soul crushing experience). Another insider’s tip: role-playing with minesweeper is a really fun way to keep yourself occupied. Just be sure to not get too into the role playing; one of my coworkers is currently suffering from PTSD because he really thought he killed his whole battalion in ‘Nam.
Lesson #3: Face-to-Face meetings are considered very awkward. Adults love to call us anti-social, but they take it to a whole new level. Want to talk to the person ONE cubicle over? Call their extension. Want to meet with the person the next aisle over? Better shoot them an email to set up a call to discuss when you want to meet so that you can agree on a time to meet and then realize that they already have another meeting and then you have to go reschedule the original meeting, but now they think they want to have third person involved etc. Better just crawl into the fetal position and give up now. Sorry, no insider’s tip here; it’s just the way the business world in its infinite wisdom operates.
Lesson #4: College was a waste of time and money. I’ll keep this simple: absolutely nothing you learned in college applies to the real world. Unless you were foolish enough to major in Engineering or HOD (never thought those majors would be mentioned together did you?), you wasted a lot of time, and a lot more money. It turns out that a deep understanding of operant and classical conditioning does not help you convince people to buy ad space, nor do the basic rules of Kantian Ethics actually work in the real world (for more on that please consult Bernie Madoff). Last insider tip: don’t graduate ever. Van Wilder definitely had it right.
Well, there you have it. You basically made it through your first summer internship. Sure, I could go into the mind numbing data mining that you often have to do, but the problem with mind-numbing tasks is that you don’t really remember what you do. Just remember if you ever get that urge to burn down the office over a Swingline stapler, it’s time to walk away and find a new career path.

This most recent IMPACT Lecture Series had an excellent lineup. Every speaker contributed in their own unique way this year. John Stossel allowed all of Langford auditorium to bask in his mustache’s aura and Mitt Romney gave us an extra ten pounds of reading material. Ralph Nader even presented the audience with definitive proof that he was indeed still alive (and occasionally kicking Stossel’s ass). In sum, next years IMPACT will undoubtedly fall painfully short of this year’s event and whoever is in charge next year is doomed for failure. But never fear The Slant has been conducting tireless research for at least two hours to determine who could possibly live up to next years hype. Here is our current short(-er than John Stossel) list:

Arnold Schwarzenegger vs. Jesse Ventura- Ladies and gentlemen, here we at The Slant present not only two great action hero’s but also two great politicians. Only in America can you co-star in an action movie about an invisible alien hunting people for fun, and then become leaders of millions of people’s lives. I would expect any debate between these two be only SLIGHTLY less violent than their action movie, Predator, and if we play our cards right it could involve even more weapons! Between all the gun fire, Austrian accents, and “WTF did politics do to his beautiful face” moments, I would rate this showdown a 7 out of 10 mustache’s on the John Stossel scale.

Reverend Al Sharpton vs. Ann Coulter vs. Howard Dean- Did these speakers come to IMPACT in 2005? Yes. But I think the formatting for this event was all wrong. What should 2011′s format be? Two words: Cage Fight. I’m taking bets now on who will be the least maimed: Odds- 5:1 Al Sharpton (the man is past his prime) , 2:1 Ann Coulter (she will fight dirty) and 3:1 Howard Dean (YEEEEAARHGH!!!!). Normal Fight: 6 out of 10 mustache’s. Someone goes to the ER: 9 out of 10 mustache’s.

George W. Bush vs. Bill Clinton- This would be entertaining regardless, but I think one little addition to this debate would really step up the game. It’s the word every college college student lives for: pre-game. Of course I don’t mean the audience pre-gaming, I mean the former presidents. I want at least 8 shots in each of their bodies by the time they take the podium, and then I want them to be required to finish off a six pack of Natty before they can get off the stage. There is no way this debate fails. I can already hear the sexist statements, curse words flying, and the inappropriate passes at each others wives. Ladies for your own safety please don’t sit in the first three rows of this one, or wear anything revealing. 8 out of 10 Mustache’s, assuming of course someone passes out on stage.

So there you have it, a little preview of the possible IMPACT debate’s next year, and their hopeful outcomes. It will never be able to add up to Ralph Nader extending the debate just to cock slap John Stossel, but we can always strive for that ideal. And strive we shall!

Curling: First Reactions aside (This is a sport?!?!) this is actually pretty exciting to watch (despite the fact that I’m pretty sure the only physical requirement is to bend over by 20 degrees and afford a new pair of shoes). Now I’m not entirely sure if I’m saying that because it is on everyday from like noon to 4pm while I sit in Rand or because I get to make really really sexist jokes about women and sweeping. Regardless of the reason, I find myself screaming at the T.V. as the rock, I’m pretty sure that’s a technical term, slowly slides down the ice. It’s nice to see a sport that finally settles the age old debate of what shuffleboard would look like if it was played on ice by a bunch of maids. I know that’s been the burning question that kept we awake at night for the last twenty years.

Couples Ice Dancing: This sport is surprisingly only the third most homosexual sport at the Winter Olympics, sitting behind Men’s ice skating and another sport listed below. Still I’m really disappointed with ice dancing, it’s just like ice skating but without the cool tricks and spins. Can we please just say a big WTF? Did the ice skaters feel like they weren’t ridiculed enough already? I mean really, how does this conversation go down at the bar?

Girl: “Oh cool so you can do really cool trick’s on the rink?”

‘Male’ Ice Dancer: “Hahaha, well no I mean I can go in circles… and smile to the judges…. At least I get to wear sequins that make me feel pretty! Stop judging me!!!”

Snowboarding: This was simply a great idea. American’s suck at skiing, so we decided to invent the snowboard, lobby for it to be in the Olympics really hard and then collect more metals than an ironsmith. Fuck you Norway.

Two Man Luge: Ok, I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t really understand the finer “athletic” points of the luge, or skeleton, or bobsled. But common sense tells me that in the case of the luge two men is not better than one. Two men lying on top of each other and flying down a tube reminds me more of the birth of twins than an athletic event. Furthermore this sport definitely wins the homosexuality competition. I just wish I knew how this sport was started. I can only imagine something like this:

Guy 1: “Wow that was really fun going sledding!”

Guy 2: “Yeah it sure was!”

Guy 1: “You know what would be even more fun?!?!”

Guy 2: “No, what’d you have in mind?”

Guy 1: “Well how about we go sledding again but this time you lay your body flat on top of mine and I’ll hold you steady with my peni—I mean with my legs. Doesn’t that sound like fun?”

Guy 2: “Umm, I don’t know…. It sounds kind of…..”

Guy 1: “Come on, I’ll even let you be on the bottom the next time!”

Thus the birth of a new sport. At least this gives me hope that I can create my own sport and become an Olympic athlete at some point in my life. That’s right folks, get ready for the 2014 Olympics to introduce the Naked Skeleton. I get the feeling the IOC would dig that kind of sport, if the most recent trends are any indication.

Vandy Cards! Oh yeah sure you can throw some beads and get a look at some boobs, but you can also flash your Vandy Card here and say “Bitch, I’m here for the party”. Boobs are great, but acting like a big cocky douche bag is definitely better. Besides beads are cheap, and everyone knows Vandy students are way classier than beads. That’s why we drink Natty light, and get sloppy with each other on the dance floor and…. Ok…. So maybe “classy” isn’t really the best word, but who the hell cares about plastic toys made in China? The only thing at Vandy that comes from China is…

Our Food! Mmm Branscomb breakfast (and the secret ingredient is mercury!) is so delicious. What’s that you say? Feeling ritzy? Well come on down to the Qdoba on West End where you get to eat with every single stoner in Nashville. Stoner’s have a lot of advantageous over New Orleans. First of all they are quiet, second of all they are really fucking quiet and third of all they’re like the nicest people in the world…. I think…. I’ve never really gotten that close to one. But really there is one thing at Vandy that stands far and beyond better than New Orleans and that’s….

Our Crime Rate! Question time, which one would you rather like inserted into your body, a stomach pump, or a rusty shank? Yeah, I thought so, I don’t know about you but I like NOT worrying about if my tetanus shots are up to date. But violent crime isn’t your only concern at New Orleans; you’ve got to watch out for pick-pocketers too. Let’s be honest, no Vandy kid is stealing from you period. Anything that Vandy Boy or Vandy Girl wants, they get from Mommy or Daddy, and why steal when you can buy? New Orleans is a little different, aka poor aka they steal, aka you will lose all your credit cards and cell phone when you are drunk, aka enjoy the twenty hours of phone calls to Burkina Fasa and Azerbaijan, aka your parents are NOT buying you your 4^th iPhone replacement. So yeah, crime, enough said.

Now that I established that Vandy is clearly the better party place for Mardi Gras, I bet you all want to just sell your plane tickets and hotel rooms for like a fifth of the price now. Well that’s the smartest decision you’ve made since… well ever…. Oh and if you happen to be selling those tickets, please shoot me an email…. I think I know some random guy that may be willing to take them off your hands.

“It all started with the Indonesian Tsunami a few years back…. I mean it was so unfair, we had been starving right next to the United States, and then Indonesia had a stupid thunderstorm or something like that, and they got all the food and medical care they could handle,” reported one informant that wished to remain anonymous. Thus the Haitian government began to develop their own plan to get more aid from the developed countries of the world. The plan they developed ended up being quite devious, at first Haiti’s government planned to stage their own Tsunami, but those plans were spoiled when it was revealed that Tsunami’s do not exist in the western hemisphere. Soon another option emerged.

“Finally, we came up with the Earthquake Plan codenamed Operation “Stop Being Poor” It was really quite easy, we just got everyone to knock over their houses and start screaming “Earthquake! AHHH!!!” You’d be amazed how easy it is to knock down your house when it’s made of cardboard, mud, and poor housing standards,” explained the anonymous informant.

Thus far the plan seems to have worked rather well for the Haitian people; they have witnessed a truly unprecedented influx of aid. The developed world has responded with all the aid they can put forth. One U.S. official has explained the strategy thusly, “Really it’s so much easier giving all our aid to Haiti, it’s close, convenient, and everyone is really horrified by this earthquake. In fact we’ve just taken all the other aid and redirected it to Haiti. Who the fuck actually cares about the continent of Africa? We have Haiti to save!” The anonymous informant also confirmed the above influx of aid stating “You know it’s really great, I’ve gone from literal mud cakes to three course meals, plus I get some of the best medicine in the world. I’m thinking of getting some elective plastic surgery tomorrow…. All I got to do is slash my face blame it on the quake and everyone will leap to my aid! This is the best kind of universal health care in the world, the kind paid for by other people!

Birth- 1^st day of school

Death- Fall 2009 Exam Week

GPA passed away this week in Central library. The causes of death include frustration, lack of sleep, and engineering. GPA was last heard screaming after the last Economics Exam “What the fuck is a flow chart?!” GPA is survived by more relative skills in the college life, including its cousin Beer Pong Skillz, and its brother Bullshit.

Y. Liver:

Birth- Nine months after conception

Death- 1^st week of college

Your Liver, passed away this semester after being exposed to large amounts of toxins. In attendance at the funeral were Johnnie Walker, Jose Cuervo, Jim Beam, Mr. Smirnoff, and Jack Daniels. Liver is survived by his loving neighbors in the digestive System.

Virginity:

Birth- Nine months after conception

Death- 1^st Day of College

Virginity was a proud soul, but alas, passed away in August due to what police reports indicate as “Waaaaaaaaaay too much tequila.” Virginity will be survived by both children Pride and Shame, along with it’s spouse Awkward Averted Eye Contact.

Roommate Relationship:

Birth- 1^st Week of College

Death- 2^nd Week of College

Roommate Relationship passed away in a fiery argument over posters touching bed posts. All hallmates were horrified to find out that Roommate Relationship died in such a quick fashion. Roommate Relationship is survived by its children: Really Fucking Annoying Alarm Clocks and Sexiling.

Commodores Football:

Birth: Unknown

Death: Saturday 10/10/09 at West Point

The Commodores Football passed away quietly against Army in what can only be considered a monumental tragedy. The Football team is survived by its healthy brother: Men’s Basketball, sister: Women’s Basketball, and many cousins. However Commodore Football is survived by its father Gaylord Music City Bowl and its son Undying Future Optimism. RIP brave soul, you’ve had enough beatings for one year.

No Shave November:

Birth: November 1st

Death: November 30th

Hallelujah!

Do you think Vanderbilt is a Party School?

Fratstar- If it were a real party school I wouldn’t have to pull these damn all-nighters.

Sorostitute- I think we need more free alcohol to be a real party school.

Average Joe- Well I go out 3 nights, stay in 4, so I’m going to say no. It’s not even 50%!

Pre-med- What’s partying?

Football Player- Yes, that’s gotta be the reason that no one is at our games. It can’t possibly be our performance pushing students away.

Hustler Dial- AHH! Where’s my face?!

Freshmen- Wait…. are you suggesting it is not normal to fail half your classes the first semester?

101 Professor- I would say after looking at Friday’s attendance, the answer is a definitive yes.

Spanish, Portuguese, and European Studies: This major prides itself on being the hardest major to say five times fast…. in three different languages. Seriously though, a lot of indecision leads to choosing this major. First you can’t decide if you want to do history or political science so you do a combination with European studies. Then you decide you want to do extra language studies. Finally you can’t decide which damn language to learn so you end up with two languages. That’s three levels of confusion, for a major with the obvious career option of backpacking across Europe.

Ecology, Evolution, and Organismal Biology: The obscurity of this major is so intense that it makes up a new word. I’ll be honest, I’m not entirely sure this is a real major. It sounds like some sort of horrible cross breed between Al Gore and Charles Darwin. This major is for all the science students that found out all too late that they aren’t actually science students. That and they’re probably still in denial that they aren’t science students. But it’s not all bad for our EEOB friend. The word biology is in their major title so they may be able to fool some employers into a job offer…. well maybe…..

Ancient Mediterranean Studies: This major is just one giant middle finger to your parents, or whoever is paying for your Vandy sized tuition. Classics majors are renowned for performing well after college but that’s mostly due to their language skills, which this major is severely lacking. Studying ancient warfare isn’t the road to success; in fact it looks a lot more like the road to poverty and soul crushing failure. Enjoy!

Create-A-Major: This major is the king of kings in obscurity. Honestly, anyone doing this either actually knows exactly what they want to do for the rest of their life, or more likely they like being “different”.  Unfortunately I can’t comment as to this major’s success, it really comes down to how good you are at naming your major. “Business and Finance” is likely to pay off big by being different at Vanderbilt but not different overall. Meanwhile, “The Psychological and Philosophical Basis of Polytheistic Religions in Modern Film” says that you don’t think being homeless is such a big deal.

A few years ago, Vanderbilt University conducted a massive survey of what students wanted from their college experience. One of the most common comments was a better football team. And so, the University staff went out to solve the issue. The first idea was to loosen the academic standards for athletes. This idea was almost immediately put down when Zeppos burst into a fit at the meeting screaming “The Rankings! THE RANKINGS!!!!” This left only one other possible option for the administration: spending to the top. “It’s a great idea,” commented Coach Bobby Johnson, “I fully supported it; at first I was thinking we could just bribe the referee’s. But then someone raised some sort of ‘illegal and ethical’ concerns. So we put the money in the next most obvious place, the locker rooms.”

That’s right Vanderbilt has now upgraded their locker rooms into the envy of all of college football. The upgrades have included billiards tables, flat screen T.V.’s and leather couches. “It’s great, I’m not nearly as intimidated by other SEC teams now,” according to one sophomore offensive player, “Even when we’re losing by four touchdowns I still know that I can whoop up on any of the opponents in billiards!” Coach Bobby Johnson has noted other competitive edges as well. “Really, I couldn’t be happier, we all sit around the T.V. at half time, and let Lee Corso tell us what we’re doing wrong. I feel like my coaching has improved tenfold now that we can watch the halftime show on T.V.” While these new improvements have not materialized into any wins yet, optimism remains high on the team; after all, it’s tough to get any worse right now.

In this economy it’s becoming increasingly obvious that all majors are not created equal. Some are simply better (and harder). Now I know what you’re thinking, “How can I possibly know which one to pick?” Well, fear not my freshman friend or indecisive sophomore friend, or incredibly screwed junior friend, or not-gonna-graduate “senior” friend, The Slant has gone through painstaking resource to bring you the hardest and best majors that Vanderbilt has to offer. Enjoy!
1. Engineering- Ahh, the crème de la crème of Vanderbilt. This whole economy thing doesn’t scare you at all. You’re beating employers away with a stick, which is unusual for you because you never got that experience with the ladies. But don’t fret, once this whole college thing blows over you are the most eligible bachelor out there. Cheers!

2. Engineering Science- Don’t worry, even your employer doesn’t know this isn’t real engineering.

3. Pre-Med- Or as I like to call them: Freshmen. Enjoy your mind numbing biology and chemistry classes, it’s not like you’ll be taking them next semester. But don’t worry there are lots of majors that are just begging for you to join their masses such as….

4. Economics- Ok so now you’re a sophomore and it turns out being a doctor is a lot of hard work and you have too much pride to jump on the HOD boat (don’t worry, pride is a common flaw at your age). Well it turns out that you can still become insanely rich. It’s called economics, and you don’t even have to touch dead people (usually). So, go ahead and trade in that Organic Chemistry book for Macroeconomics, and good luck pulling up your first semester GPA, because that thing isn’t ever leaving you.

5. Political Science- Welcome to the next level of failure. I know I know, you want to make money, but math is fucking intimidating, and you can only write decently. What are you ever to do? Enter political science. Sure, it’s fun now, but you also have to go to law school if you ever want your parents to love you again, and let’s be frank, you still want to make money too.

6. Other Social Sciences- This is an odd group, you seem to actually enjoy what you’re doing. Do you have any idea what the starting salary is for a psychologist or sociologist? It’s called poverty, and it’s not funny. The good news is it still sounds employable so your parents aren’t in tears. Well they aren’t in tears yet, until you do that whole job hunt thing and tell them you need another five to six years of fifty-grand a year schooling.

7. Humanities- See above, except your parents began crying the day you told them.

8. Musicians/ Studio Arts- Ok, it’s too easy to make starvation jokes. And even though you make the joke too, you die a little on the inside every time. It’s ok that feeling is normal: it’s called hunger.

9. Education Majors- Lucky for you, your parents obviously support your decision to be poor forever, unless you’re counting on that inheritance money when your parents/grandparents take a really long nap. You know what you want to do, and that’s not being able to afford a satellite dish…… ever.

10. Human and Organizational Development- What joke hasn’t been done here? Coloring inside the lines, using crayons, no Friday classes, a “real” major and plain out stupidity has all been used by all your supposed friends. But here’s the real joke: you’re number 10 on this list and you’re going to be making as much as number 1. Party hard, you can afford to do it and still make bank. Enjoy rubbing all of your delicious, yes it’s fucking delicious, money in all your friends’ faces.