By: God.

Tim Tebow can be a starting quarterback in the NFL. In fact, Tim can do anything he sets his mind to.

It is rare enough that I find such devotion as his in any of my children, much less among professional athletes.

But Tim is special; anyone who has watched him pray knows this. It was my Divine Will that he should lead his team to the Super Bowl and come away victorious.

I believe in free will for my people, however. It was Tim’s own choices that led to his eventual downfall this season. It was not I who told him to throw so many balls so incredibly poorly during his start against the Patriots, nor was it my hand that struck the ball from his when he fumbled the ball back to Tom Brady.

Obviously, I do take some matters into my own hands. For instance, Ben Roethlisberger is quite the sinner and scumbag. I did not want to grace him with another Super Bowl appearance. And in regard to the Saints, even were they aptly named, there is no way in Hell I was going through another entire year of “Who ‘Dat.”

Many people seem to confuse “omniscient” and “perfect.” I am the former; not the latter. Tom Brady has never been the favorite of my children, and when he smote Tim’s playoff chances, I will admit that I lost my temper.

Yes, it was I who blew on Ahmad Bradshaw to make him fall into the endzone in the fourth quarter. I knew that, despite the talents Tom Brady was given by me, there would be no comeback for him in this game. You might say I did not have faith in him.

Tim was, and still is, my Chosen One. He will simply have to work more and pray harder in order to prove it next season. But, yes; Tim will come again.

Wordcount: 318

After one of the most successful football seasons recent history, Vanderbilt is seeking to increase the role of Coach James Franklin.
The university, looking to improve various teams on campus, has been courting Franklin primarily to coach Men’s Basketball, Women’s Swimming, and the student workers who operate the omelet stations at Rand Brunch.
Two years in a row now, Vanderbilt’s Men’s Basketball team has stirred up quite a bit of hype, only to lose to a lower-seeded team in the first round of the March tourney. While many students claim this trend is a “typical Vanderbilt athletic performance,” the administration has admitted disappointment and a desire to improve.
“At many universities, the goal of sporting events is to win,” reported Vanderbilt athletic director, Lance Legstrong. “We want to become one of those universities, and Coach Franklin seems the best hope to create a winning tradition.”
It seems the university’s motivations in regards to the Women’s Swim team are similar. Apparently, at the most recent swim meet, attendance dropped from its normal seven fans down to three, with seemingly no explanation for the drop. “If we could get more people to attend these meets, we may be able to afford to build a real pool on campus to make the program more attractive to prospective athletes,” claimed Legstrong. “I assume the location is the problem, at least. I have not actually attended a meet to confirm this.”
The issues surrounding the omelet operators, however, are entirely different and much more severe. When searching for commentators on the growing catastrophe, initial attempts proved futile. Finally, one student, who requested to remain anonymous, was found hunched over a toilet. “It’s not even food poisoning,” he said. “It just tasted fucking awful.”
Preliminary examinations appear that student workers with absolutely no knowledge about what an omelet is, much less how to make one, were hired this semester. While hopes for a full turn around are slim, Legstrong and the rest of the community hope that Franklin can at least creating a winning mindset and turn the program around, as he did with the Football team.
Franklin has yet to release his answer, but is expected to do so in charismatic fashion so that people can post his video repeatedly on Facebook.

377 Words

Emily Dickinson to receive Currently Nameless Award

Emily Dickinson, the famous female, American poet, has been announced to the recipient of The Slant’s most prestigious accolade at this year’s Slant Awards, the I Need A Name For This Award Still.

Every year, The Slant rents out a posh restaurant and hands out praise and honors to various contributors for their demonstrations of excellence, with the winner of The Still Unnamed Award traditionally giving a speech. Executives at The Slant recently revealed that this year, the award and podium belong to Miss Emily Dickinson.

While Dickinson has not submitted many stories in recent issues, she was crucial in the actual creation of The Slant itself. And until now, that fact has gone undecorated.

The Slant made its debut in 1886, but there was a great deal of work involved in the years leading up to the printing of the first issue. The staff then had to compose many stories ahead of time, production times and dates had to be schedules around the lacking technology of the late 19th century, and the blossoming editorial needed a name.

Dickinson’s role in these endeavors was pivotal.

When The Slant was floundering for creative purpose in the early (18)70s, it was Dickinson who put the founders back on track when she wrote her “Poem 1263.” This poem, for those ignorant, begins, “Tell all the truth but tell it slant.” And that was what our former editors needed to hear.

Dickinson also provided many articles that would become some of the first material to be published in The Slant. She wrote a scathing satire on the ineptitude of the transportation systems of her time with, “Because I could not stop for Death –…” in “Poem 480.” She chided the sorostitues of her time, so focused on image even back then, with her words “I died for Beauty – but was scarce…” in “Poem 448,” and even did a parody of The Slant itself with “Publication – is the Auction…” in “Poem 788.”

Great success does not come without great jealousy, however. “Why not ward someone who actually is a part of The Slant,” said new sophomore writer, Liz Browning, when hearing the announcement. While it is true that Dickinson’s name may not have appeared on any masthead to date, it is important to look past the words on the page and into the substance behind the content – a goal of the Slant in itself.

“Dickinson DIED in 1886, the year this thing started, not to mention she was a shut in,” argued ignorant English Major Thomas Stoppard. This may be so, but is it not also true that Dickinson is said to live on through her works?

The Slant and her staff recognize what Dickinson has done; critics will be critics, but they are not going to dissuade this award from reaching its proper owner.

Miss Dickinson was not available for comment in regards to the announcement.

[Obviously I still need a name for the award.]

Emily Dickinson to be Added to List of Slant Alumni
By: Alec Jordan

Famous 19th century poet Emily Dickinson is finally being recognized for her contributions to The Slant.
The Slant, this very publication, has achieved many great things since its debut in 1886. Arguably the most notable among The Slant’s credentials, however, is its long list of famous contributors.
Readers today may be familiar with some of the modern celebrities to make appearances within its pages, such as Billy Collins or Charlie Sheen, but some of the names from the past have slipped away with the time. Whether it be Oscar Wilde, who is responsible for a great deal of content around the turn of the 20th century, or even contributors from the last few decades such as Bill Clinton or George W. Bush, escape public notice for their value to this publication.

The Slant realized this, and promptly began an endeavor to restore the rich history of the paper to the minds of the readers – and what better place to start than at the beginning, with Emily Dickinson?
“Why not start with someone who actually was a part of The Slant,” said sophomore reader Liz Browning, when hearing the announcement. Her statement, innocent in nature, shocked The Slant’s more informed members – the state of The Slant’s history has fallen behind such a veil, readers are forgetting even the greatest of predecessors.

The Slant encountered more difficulty when trying to reeducate the public. “Dickinson DIED in 1886, not to mention she was a shut in,” explained ignorant English Major Thomas Stoppard. Despite lacking relevant information in regards to The Slant’s creation, it seemed that Stoppard had stumbled onto an issue that was sure to confound much of the public.

Thus, the Slant History Campaign (SHC) revamped its effort with much more fervor. They educated the public on the years of preparation that took place before The Slant was officially in action. They informed the people on the process of drafting many issues ahead of time before releasing the first (information flow was still slow back in those days, so no one really noticed). And they let people know that Dickinson was still a huge force, even when she sequestered herself to her house.

In fact, she is even responsible for our name. When The Slant was floundering for creative purpose in the early 70s, it was Dickinson who put the founders back on track when she wrote her “Poem 1263.” This poem, for those ignorant, begins, “Tell all the truth but tell it slant.” And that was what our former editors needed to hear.

In the years leading up to The Slant’s first publication, Dickinson provided many other pieces. She wrote a scathing satire on the ineptitude of the railway system of her time with, “Because I could not stop for Death –…” in “Poem 480.” She chided the soristutes of her time, so focused on image even back then, with her words “I died for Beauty – but was scarce…” in “Poem 448” and even did a parody of The Slant itself with “Publication – is the Auction…” in “Poem 788.”

Finally, Dickinson is getting her due, and the hard workers at The Slant could not be more pleased. From here, The Slant plans to continue tracing its history and giving praise and recognition to the other forgotten names along the way. “There’s a certain Slant of light.”

[Wrote this in one go; obviously needs some work but I'm not sure where to start.]