Recently, masturbation has come under fire, mostly from the same people who choose not to have any sexual intercourse with any person of the oppositesex and remain celibate until marriage, or until the “right one” shows up, or God descends from the clouds and says “be fruitful and multiply.” (Oh wait, I think that last one already happened.) Anyway, we’re not scientists, but we at The Slant think that our readers need to relieve that sexual frustration that our ape-like ancestors left for us in our DNA.
Now, if you follow politics and also follow the logic of Delaware Senate Candidate Ms. Christine O’Donnell, who said in the 90s, “The Bible says that lust in your heart is committing adultery. You can’t masturbate without lust!” then please do not read any further. These rules and regulations are only for those who are guilty of committing this adulterous crime.
Are they gone? Alright, cool! (By the way, all of us that are still reading should have a party and not invite the abstinent folks.) So, even though we don’t consider masturbation to be a sin, we still believe that there are ways you can sin while masturbating. Even though you’re alone, well, most of the time, there are still certain rules which should govern your behavior while jerkin’ it. Until now, these rules have been mostly regional and inconsistent and thus relatively ineffective. That’s why we’ve gone all the way up Mt. Semen-ai and come back with these: The 10 Commandments of Masturbation!
(1) When in doubt, whip it out.
Alright, so, this is for all of you with roommates. It’s a quiet afternoon during finals, and your roommate’s out taking their test. You look at the clock: 4:55. You can’t remember if their test ends at 4:30 or 5:30. You’ve been stressing over your finals, and you want to relieve a little stress before the next cram session. One decision can lead you to a miserably embarrassing and awkward situation and one that your roommate would never let you live down. The other can bring you a few seconds of unbelievable relief that only a precious few nights of raging could match. The clock is ticking; what do you do?!?! Well, it looks like almighty has once again and stepped in with the answers. Take care of that raging monkey in your pants and finish the job. Who knows? Maybe one day your roommate will be the on that chair staring at the computer screen, and then you’ll be even. Hey, there are always single rooms for next year!
(2) Warn your roommates.
This one is especially important for all of us undergrads who live in dorms with impossibly thin walls that sometimes seem to amplify rather than block sounds form the next room. We suggest working out some sort of system with your roomies to politely let them know when you’re holding a private party. For example, in our suite we shout “Fore!” loud enough that everyone knows not to go in the back room for a little while.

(3) Exercise moderation.
There’s a pretty simple rule of thumb for this one: if you’ve ever skipped something to spend more time waxing your giraffe, that’s too much. Get outside and get some fresh air! And while you’re there, don’t forget rule #6.

(4) Two or more shall never “cross-streams.”
If you ever feel the urge to jerk one out with your buddy right by you, don’t cross boner toner. If I understood he movie Ghostbusters correctly, and I’d like to think I did, crossing streams could cause total protonic reversal. That would be bad.

(5) Do not involve unwilling participants.
There are two real reasons why this one makes sense: first, if somebody else is involved, it’s not really masturbation. Also, no means no, Lance.
(6) Never beat it in the street.
There is nothing decent about that exposure unless you’re getting paid for it. Keep indoors or rent a private hotel room for you and rosy palm lips, presidential suite style, and take your time to peel that banana.

(7) Protect
thyself from the white-devil.
OK, folks, so this one’s open for interpretation, but we here at The Slant would like to think this one’s for the Trojan users out there. Rubber it up if you don’t want to clean it up! Plain and simple.

(8) Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy and untainted.
It looks like the G-man decided to keep this one in for reload. You know what this means, put away the MAXIM and lock up your tissues. No squeezing the purple-headed yogurt slinger on Sundays or Saturdays depending on your denomination. Your little guys need some time to rest for the next big race!
(9) Use the hand I have given onto you.
Law of diminishing product in economics states production will diminish as you increase one variable and keep the others constant. Therefore, one hand is always better than two for the optimum choking of your chicken. If you happen to be one of those poor dudes that lost his hands in a freak fishing accident or the Vietnam war, arm rubbing is always allowed – but just one. Good luck with that.
(10) The golden rule.
Remember this: the Lord’s golden rule that is useful throughout life but especially salient here. I quote The Book of Luke, Chapter 23, Verse 4: “And the LORD said ‘Loveth thyself as thou would loveth thyself.’”