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Facebook Stalker Caught, Apprehended

admin — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 17:51:19 +0000

Harry Tanner was apprehended by VUPD this past Tuesday in Alexander-Heard Library for Facebook stalking classmate Susan Beller.
Officer Thompson, first to arrive on the scene, said he found Tanner using one of the library’s computers in the primary computer lab. “We received reports from Amy Winn, [librarian] around 6 P.M. and headed over as soon as we could,” Thompson said. “I’m only glad we caught the perpetrator before he latched onto more profiles.”
According to Amy Winn, Tanner had been at the computer for more than two hours before she caught on to his suspicious behavior. “The library’s resources are not meant to harbor this kind of criminal activity,” Winn said.
Susan Beller, victim of Tanner’s afternoon Facebook stalking, received the call from VUPD about ten minutes before they apprehended Tanner. “I suspected something was up when I opened my laptop to 52 notifications,” said Beller, sophomore in the College of Arts & Science. She reports receiving comments on the past three months of statuses and “likes” on all past profile pictures within two hours of their posting.
Friend and supporter, sophomore Ellen Chiao, was with Beller when she heard the news. “She was so shaken. Only two hours ago, she was just having a casual conversation with a guy after class. Goes to show you can’t trust everyone walking out of Furman at 4 P.M.”
Tanner remains in police custody until police confirm he poses no more of a threat to Beller or any other student at Vanderbilt.
“If we have to log him out permanently, we will,” said Officer Thompson. “More than likely we’ll just give him a warning and tell him to lay low for a while. Only post about once every two days. Keep commenting down to a minimum with friends. It’s all about precautionary measures with Facebook stalking.”
When asked about the charges brought against him, Tanner refrained from commenting.

Boobs Looked At

admin — Thu, 21 Apr 2011 22:26:03 +0000

In a phenomenon commonly referred to as testosterone-induced spring fever, onlookers identified senior Percival Pruitt as a confirmed boob-gazer as his eyes were seen drawn to the chest of freshman Katie Koppersmith. The infraction occurred after the two were crossing paths leaving Rand following what witnesses generally describe as “another unsatisfying lunch.” Despite originally appearing to be a non-incident, further investigation showed the much darker, emotional struggles of two American youths grappling with gnawing sexuality and the looming threat of infinite loneliness.
“It wasn’t long before I felt a little tingle in my jingle,” Pruitt said describing the event. “What only took mere seconds felt like an eternity—an eternity of comfortably soft, fleshy pillows kept warm at 98.6 degrees of pure passion.”
On the receiving side of the instinctive eyeballing of her snow globes, Koppersmith had just gotten out of her 12:00 Spanish class and was itching for her afternoon original tart. Little did she know that the forthcoming two-second passing-by would in no way alter her life in any meaningful way, form or fashion.
Forensic analysis pinpointed the rendezvous at precisely 1:03 PM – the exact moment that Pruitt had refilled his empty Dr Pepper. Upon seeing him about-face 135 degrees, Koppersmith immediately noticed that his eyes were drawn to the center of her off-yellow shirt, and she knew that he couldn’t have merely been reading “Vanderbilt.” Slightly put off by the strangely flattering creepiness descending upon her confidence-laden bosom, Koppersmith’s face made an expression of mild surprise, concern and latent arousal.
An extensive background check on Pruitt revealed that he had been fascinated with the female form since a fateful day in seventh grade study hall in the library when he stumbled upon the “What’s Happening to my Body Book for Boys.” Since then, he has spent several hours each week using his eyes to observe boobs, and for five beautiful seconds he considered including it as an extracurricular activity on his Vanderbilt application.
Pruitt’s collegiate experiences with breasts had, unfortunately, not been as wonderful as the dreams of his youth.
“Oh, yeah, Percy, he got shot down a lot,” Kyle Krenzel, his freshman-year roommate, said. “The man is attracted to confident women, and, well, he’s not very confident.”
Despite the help of scientifically proven boob-revealers Natural Light and Taaka 100 proof, Pruitt frequently stumbled over his drunk self literally and metaphorically whenever he tried to charm the tops off the more healthy girls in his presence. In comparison to the historical evidence, Pruitt considered Thursday’s instant peep show to be one of the better events among his sexual conquests.
The victim, Koppersmith, was known to her childhood friends as “a late bloomer” whose physical presence had been known to question both the mental fortitude and heterosexuality of her female peers.
“Katie, like, her boobs… Ugh, they are so nice,” fellow dorm resident Julia Yubalevski said. “I can’t blame the dude for looking at them. After a few drinks, I’ve wanted to get my lips on those nips as well… Ok, even without a few drinks…”
Koppersmith’s battle with sudden popularity began in her senior year of high school when she found her newfound sudden sensitivities to cold and tight, constricting shirts. After months of inner conflict resulting from furious masturbation and an unhealthy Angora sweater fetish, Koppersmith’s radiantly glowing hormonal levels had returned to their previously bland, uninteresting state, and she continued pursuing her goal of becoming a lawyer, albeit a more naughty lawyer than in her childhood dreams.
After the moment that Pruitt and Koppersmith’s lives intertwined, the two students were caught in respective losing efforts to quench their rampaging libidos.
“Oh, man, I can’t believe what I saw today…” Pruitt added. “Did anyone else see that? Am I the only one? Anyone? Why am I talking to myself in the bathroom stall?”
“Yeah, now that I think about it, I was a little turned on by that guy at Rand,” Koppersmith said. “It’s been so long since I succumbed to my urges, and I’m sure that dude has never been with a woman like me… What? No! That is not a wet stain on my jeans; I, uh, I spilled water on them today…”
Unfortunately for the two star-crossed stalkers, the following weekend passed by without anything interesting happening, and the two continued on their solitary existences lying in their beds, touching themselves to ease the pain and with each passing eternal minute, dying a little on the inside.

Douchebag Finishes All of the Weed Brownies

admin — Thu, 21 Apr 2011 22:25:02 +0000

Reports out of Highland Quad following April 17th’s KiD CuDi concert indicate that one solitary douchebag consumed the entire remaining half-eaten tray of weed brownies left sitting out on top of the stove.
The weed brownies were born early that morning in a beautiful consummation of passion and chocolate, and even though it was in a nasty oven off campus, the parents didn’t care, because they loved them that much. Unfortunately for a handful of the young, THC-enriched chocolate spuds, they would not live much longer past childbirth. In an act of what some scientists describe as “parental cannibalistic feeding frenzy,” the parents consumed half of the newborns almost immediately.
Knowing that their children were too weak to hop away and leave the kitchen, the parents left their surviving offspring unattended and ventured off into the wilderness to pay heed to their cannabis prophet, Scott “KiD CuDi” Mescudi. It was in this unattended state that the weed brownies’ natural predator, the douchebag, struck his merciless killing blow.
A vagabond individual later confirmed by authorities to be Ryan Swines forcefully entered the natural habitat of pot brownies: a Chafin apartment. With no one to stop his hurtful wrath, Swines clawed and pawed at the remaining, defenseless babies until their stricken corpses were in his sinful stomach with only the crumbs of their mangled, fluffy chocolaty flesh sticking around the edges of his brutal lips.
After hearing the word of their leader to “get more high,” the two parents of the now-deceased edible THC bricks returned to their Chafin to find the hard work of their labor of love destroyed. Swines was found “high as fuck” sitting on the floor ceaselessly apologizing for the atrocity that he committed.
“I’m sorry I’m sorry I didn’t mean to eat all the………. Brownies.” Swines stated as he was thrown out of the Chafin. “Oh God I’m so… Hehehehehe.”
When asked about the massacre, KiD CuDi said, “I can’t believe some shameless douchebag would do such a dick move like that… That’s fucked up…”

TFLVP: 4/1/11

admin — Wed, 30 Mar 2011 18:54:10 +0000

(813): It’s the only way he can connect with someone. It’s like Avatar. He has to stick his dick in something.

(330): I told my sister I’m going indoor skydiving, and she said, “That must be the largest building in the world.”

(615): How does it feel to get fucked in the ass?
(949): That was the best night of my life
(615): What? When you got fucked in the ass?
(949): No, when you just started screaming that at me.

(631): I wouldn’t want to go to a single-sex school, but I could see myself going to an all-guys school.
(407): That’s how you know you’re a whore!

(508): Shall I whip out my dick and distract them?

Never Heard of Dubstep? Come Educate Yourself!

admin — Mon, 28 Mar 2011 03:18:12 +0000

Dubstep is the new genre of dance music that’s been revolutionizing the way DJs get crowds jumping since the early 2000s.
The key to dubstep is the bass and the drums. Bass is thick and layered on heavy, like mayo on a sandwich. And good DJs keep the drums fast with extensive layers of beats going in to each track.
Listening to a good dubstep song is like making love to a stranger. It starts out relatively quiet and you take it slow while you figure out the interesting rhythms your partner brings to the table. The pace slowly builds up as your anticipation grows. Then, just when your interest and desire have reached your peak, all of a sudden the bass, and the pants, drop. Suddenly, without understanding how, your hips and shoulders start gyrating. You explore the unique textures of your mate and feel his or her intense pulse beating in unison with yours. In these moments, you feel the sound wrap around you like the warm embrace of your lover’s bosom. Before long you come to feel at home here, and you want nothing more than to preserve this moment and feel like that for the rest of your life. But long before you’re ready, the song ends, and the DJ pulls on her skirt and walks out of your life forever. Only a dubstep song is better because, unlike a strange whore, I can get the song back into my bedroom whenever I want.
OK, maybe I’m over-romanticizing this genre. And you know what, it’s probably possible to go through life without ever hearing dubstep and being perfectly happy. But I want to encourage all those initiated to come out and hear The National when they perform at Rites. Their sound is really progressive but still accessible to even the casual concert-goer.
So, please, if you enjoy any combination of dancing, fast upbeat music, heavy bass lines, heavy synth leads, or intelligent sampling, then make sure you don’t miss The National’s performance at Rites.
After all, this is college, and if you can’t expand your musical horizons now, then when can you?

True Dubstep Fans Must Show Out for The National

admin — Mon, 28 Mar 2011 02:45:06 +0000

OK, so, let’s say that you’re a pretty big dubstep fan. You listen to Zeds Dead on the way to class. You were on board with DJ Hatcha before he was DJ Hatcha. You’re saving up to make a pilgrimage to Forward>>.
It is you people, you hardcore prog-techno dance fans, that need to hear me when I say, “You need to go see The National at Rites.”
Now, let me just preface this by saying that I, too, am a dubstep fan. I know that everybody with a beatpad and a mixtape likes to tell you they are “The cutting edge ultra-fresh next big super new inventive, imaginative, inspired innovation to the genre,” and that, for most of these artists, this is just an empty promise their music cannot back up.
That being said, you need to know that The National really is the cutting edge, ultra fresh, next big super new inventive, imaginative, inspired innovation to the genre.
These guys have drops that make Niagra Falls look like a speed bump and bass lines so thick and punchy they oughta be called The George Foremans. Their beats can’t be beat. They play lots of off-kilter syncopation that will have you screaming for joy while you dance your ass off.
In short, The National has changed the way I think about this genre. Their songs…they make me feel things…weird things…beautiful things.
My God… the unicorns. There were so many of them.
Oh, you’re still here? Sorry.
I guess the reason I’m writing this article is a conversation I had with my good friend Steve the other day. Steve is an even bigger dub-fan than I am, but Steve told me that he doesn’t plan on seeing The National. Steve claims that he has been to so many dance shows recently that he doesn’t want to add one more.
Please do not let yourself fall into Steve’s trap. If you care at all about the direction of artistic dance music, you must show up for The National and come ready to dance and show these folks that Nashville is on the forefront of the dubstep revolution.

See The National Live First

admin — Mon, 28 Mar 2011 02:01:30 +0000

My experience with The National began back in late 2004 when a good friend of mine gave me his ripped copy of their most recent album, Cherry Tree. I took the album home and really did my best to give it a chance, but despite my efforts, I just couldn’t bring myself to care about the music. I mean, even at that point I was a big fan of dubstep, and I was always looking for new bands that could innovate the genre, but for some reason, the mix on this album just seemed sloppy and unprofessional.
I didn’t enjoy my experience with Cherry Tree, and I had such a sour taste left in my mouth that one summer later, in 2005, I completely passed up on the chance to see The National play a free show in my own home town of Cherry Hill.
Oh, how I rue that decision today.
You see, last winter break I headed to a dubstep show at the Troc in Philadelphia. I was really interested in seeing the headliner, Stenchman, but before Stench came out, The National took the stage as an opener.
What followed was 50 minutes of the most pants-shittingly awesome performance I have ever witnessed. It was just something about these guys; when they started to play live, they turned into absolute animals. The first man on stage was the band’s turntablist, Aaron Dessner, and that man didn’t let the beat drop for the whole set. I danced. I laughed. I cried. I’m pretty sure I saw the face of God at one point.
But I’m not sure what it is about The National that makes them such shitty recording artists. Maybe it’s the fact that most recording studios lack a large, rowdy, glowstick wearing, dancing crowd which is such an integral part of their live show.
Whatever it is, here is my advice to you, dear reader: when you go to see The National at Rites, make sure that this is your first time hearing them. Listening to their albums will only turn you off to their sound and, like me, you might make the (stupid) decision not to see them.
Oh, and when you do come, wear your dancing shoes, some neon tights, and a jacket of glowsticks, and come ready to fucking rave.

TFLVP: 3/2/2011

admin — Wed, 02 Mar 2011 20:04:07 +0000

(615): Don’t talk to me about faggotry while I’m drinking my soy milk.

(631): We’d be the perfect fuck buddies, because he doesn’t have feelings for that stuff and neither do I.

(615): What kind of world do we live in where a man has to wipe his own ass?

(777): Did he have a nice dick?
(888): Eh, it probably has a fat roll over it…

(917): Jesus, I’m so horny for this issue of The Slant.

(666): I’m putting my leg on your knee because I find you sexually awesome.

(999): I use this pocket for sex… and by sex, I mean I keep my lube in there.

(7188): But what if I am Yogi Bear? How would YOU know?

Black Swan was Robbed

admin — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 06:02:50 +0000

Watching the Oscars last Sunday I, like most viewers, was very excited to see which film would take the prize for “Best Picture.” In my opinion this was the most exciting best picture competition since back in 2003 when the academy had to choose between Brokeback Mountain and Crash.
I was on the edge of my seat right until the final moments before the winner was revealed, but ultimately I was very disappointed with the academy’s decision to reward The King’s Speech with the Oscar crown. While I’m sure there are valid reasons to give the prize to The King’s Speech I really feel like the academy robbed Black Swan from the Oscar it deserved.
Now I haven’t seen all of the movies on this list. To be honest, the only one I’ve actually watched was Black Swan. And to be a little more specific, I’ve only really seen one part of Black Swan. I don’t really know what’s going on in the scene, my friends keep telling me it’s going on in Natalie Portman’s head…
Anyway, even though I’ve only seen that one scene, I have watched it a couple dozen times and so I feel confident in the statement that Black Swan deserved the Oscar for best picture. As a matter of fact it should have won every single Oscar. And ten Grammys.
I mean, I’m sure The King’s Speech was really good, and I bet they really captured life in pre WWII England, but how does that make it the best picture? Like, who was the girl in that one? It’s the girl that played Bellatrix in the Harry Potter movies, but how is she better than Natalie and Mila Kunis put together?
Oh and also, I think the uhh, cinematography for The King’s Speech wasn’t like good, or whatever. I mean Black Swan was just so visually…engaging. It was far and away the best looking movie, even better than Inception which just looked really weird in all the commercials.
And The Social Network? I don’t get it, why would they just make a movie about Facebook? Isn’t it cheaper just to use Facebook myself? I don’t need somebody to make a movie about something I use like every day!
I guess I would have understood it if they wanted to give it to Avatar, but then somebody told me that it actually came out in 2009, which at first I didn’t think was true, but I looked it up on Wikipedia and it turns out they’re right.
Before I penned this article I had to question for myself whether it was worth complaining about Oscar decision. I mean, in the grand scheme of these things, does it really matter who wins and who loses this little competition? The simple answer is “yes.”
When the academy chooses the Oscar winners, they are sending a signal to the movie industry as to what sort of films they want to see. By snubbing Black Swan the academy has taken a strong stance against the hot girl on girl action that has been missing from American cinema for decades. Not since Thelma and Louise has a film so beautifully and erotically explored the nature of the homosexual female relationship, and the members of the academy made a big mistake by not recognizing this accomplishment.

Best actor
Who won: Colin Firth as King George in The King’s Speech
Who should have won: Jesse Eisenberg as Michael Cera as Mark Zuckerberg in The Social Network.
In order to prepare for his role as King George, Colin Firth had to put in many hours of research trying to get inside the head of the former monarch. Jesse Eisenberg went through a similar process for his role except that Jesse did it… twice.
Eisenberg’s first task was getting inside the mind of fellow actor Michael Cera. It was only after fully chanelling Cera’s energy that Eisenberg was able to fully play Mark Zuckerberg. Says Eisenberg, “It was tough just spending the few months learning to be Michael Cera, and then on top of it I had to learn how Michael Cera would play Mark Zuckerberg… it was tough.”
The academy made a mistake by overlooking this daring double sized version of method acting that lead to Eisenberg’s great performance as Cera as Zuckerberg.

Best Actress
Who won: Natalie Portman as Nina Sayers in Black Swan
Who should have won: Jennifer Lawerence as “Big Titted Woman #4” in Winter’s Boners
I felt like Winter’s Boners didn’t receive enough attention at this year’s Oscars. The film was hurt by it’s poor circulation, which probably stems from the harsh “XXX” raiting the film received from the MPAA.
Even though I had to go into the backroom at my local Blockbuster (Just kidding, they don’t exist anymore! Zing!) to get, I still thoroughly enjoyed Winter’s Boners. I especially liked the scene with the midget.

Best Editing
Who won: The Social Network
Who should have won: 127 Hours
127 Hours deserved this award simply because that editing team began with over five days worth of film and cut it down to one feature length film. Just imagine the hours upon hours of film that was left on the cutting room floor. We probably didn’t get to see the scene they shot where James Franco fights a dragon. That’s how much of this movie had to get cut!
Not to mention the fact that Franco was made to stay in character for an entire 127 hours as well. I mean, can you imagine Franco on a hot, crowded movie set, trapped by his contractual obligations, forced to survive on only the meager provisions provided by his hotel? This film was itself a demonstration of the power of the human spirit.

The Slant Endorses Adam Meyer in Last Week’s Election

admin — Wed, 09 Feb 2011 19:47:37 +0000

We here at The Slant have been watcing this year’s VSG presidential election very closely, devoting most of our limited time and resources towards following the candidates, doing extensive polling, and preparing to throw our support behind one candidate.
Today we’ve decided to announce that we, the staff of The Slant here by endorse Adam Meyer in last week’s election. We are confident that Meyer has the skills, the drive, and the right ideas to already have won this contest.
After examining the platforms of both candidates, we believe that Adam and running mare Maryclaire Manard will have had the right ideas to inspire students to vote for them last Wednesday and Thursday.
Adam’s campaign will have been a great sucess, where Meyer will have sucessfully demonstraited the value of his experience to potential voters. Students will have latched on to many of his concrete plans to improve the school, like the idea to provide nutritional info in the dining halls.
While competitor Zye Hooks is also an attractive candidate, our polls indicate that only about 44.3 percent of “Likely to have voted-ers” will support Zye. That’s why we’re encouraging our readers to have voted for Meyer already.
We’d also like to say directly to President Meyer, if you’re reading, don’t forget that it was our endorsement today that won you last week’s election.
You will have been already welcome
Also, while we’re on the subject: we predict that Meyer will have said something really corny and goofy after they announce that he won because on the inside he’s just a big teddy bear.
Something like “I never, in a billion years, dreamed this day would come.”
Or something like that.