Tales from Our Trip to The Liberty Bowl

5:30 pm- Depart from Dallas

6:00 pm- Wait in traffic outside of Dallas

6:27 pm- Drive along I-30, stare at plains on the side of the highway

X 6:59 pm- Pass by store called “Beer:30,” avoid swerving ’89 Dodge pickup exiting Beer:30’s drive through, question the ethics of a drive-through beer store

7:11 pm- Bored as hell

8:04 pm- Stare at the boring Texas landscape some more

8:39 pm- Stop for food and gas in Texarkana, wonder why the gas station is selling Florida souvenir shot glasses

X 10:01 pm- Hit deer just outside of Arkadelphia; who names a city “Arkadelphia?”

10:03 pm- Drag deer carcass to side of road

10:04 pm- Say a few words in deceased deer’s honor; offer our sincerest apologies to his deer family

11:30 pm- Arrive in Little Rock, spend the night at relative’s house

9:12 am- Depart Little Rock, prolonged silence for the next hour

10:17 am- There is literally nothing in this state

10:24 am- Make jokes about Arkansas, but at least we’re not in Louisiana

11:43 am- Arrive at hotel in Memphis

12:15 pm- Arrive at Liberty Bowl, turn down $10 parking in front yard of lady wearing Mumu

12:30 pm- Complete circumnavigation of Liberty Bowl through seas of Cincinnati fans to find friend’s tailgate

X 12:37 pm- Observe middle-aged people wearing Missouri gear playing beer pong and bald man wearing ammo belt loaded with 25 red hot shots

2:41 pm- Vanderbilt possession, offense goes 3 and out

2:50 pm- Vanderbilt possession, offense goes 3 and out

2:57 pm- Vanderbilt possession, offense goes 3 and out

3:58 pm- Preposterous halftime show featuring geriatric from KC and the Sunshine Band, women dressed as Cinderella, and giant marching band we couldn’t hear

4:35 pm- Excitement: Vanderbilt might win!

4:43 pm- Game dissolves into frustrating stalemate of decent defense and ineffectual offense

5:01 pm- Vanderbilt could still win…

5:53 pm- Vanderbilt loses; express utmost dissatisfaction using expletives; apologize to family with 3 small children sitting behind us

6:24 pm- Arrive on Beale Street. Seems fun, but they’ve sold themselves out a little

6:35 pm- Eat at barbeque joint

7:21 pm- Walk down alley to see outdoor blues concert; rethink our decision as shirtless men keep entering through shadowy gate topped with razor wire
7: 33 pm- Not sure if we should judge or admire people with 4-foot-tall margaritas

7:45 pm- Go to outdoor concert on Beale Street; singer of blues band wearing black cape and red leather pants sounds like he has eaten a bowl of staples in preparation for his career

8:32 pm- Punk metal band hailing from Tupelo, Mississippi takes the stage; concert attendants leave

9:01 pm- Observe enormous, unwashed man dressed as Santa Claus drinking 4-foot-tall margarita, take picture, careful not to let him see; run away, thinking he might have rabies
9:50 pm- Friend’s dad purchases Diver (aka Elvis Juice), a bucket of mystery libations from Silky O’ Sullivan’s Irish Tavern

10:32 pm- See preacher with sign condemning the sinful wicked of Beale Street for their debauchery

10:33 pm- Offer to buy preacher a drink, secretly ask God for forgiveness

11:40 pm- Irritating Cincinnati fans and general intoxicated public swarm onto Beale Street; claustrophobia sets in

11:59 pm- Novelty guitar outside of Hard Rock Café begins to fall–a shameless, sad mimic of Times Square

12:00 am- Celebrate yet another passage around the sun; wasn’t sure if the world would make it this time

12:40 am- Make it back to the hotel; crash

9:15 am- Depart from hotel, trying not to mention the bowl game

X 12:47 pm- Stop for lunch and gas at truck stop Subway in Arkadelphi. Seriously, what’s up with that name?

12:48:03 pm- Make Deliverance joke at truck stop in Arkadelphia

12:48:04 pm- Run like hell away from truck stop

12:49 pm- Sneak back into truck stop to retrieve forgotten sunglasses

5:03 pm- Tired silence interrupted by occasional conversation

X 5:05 pm- Arrive back in Dallas; cross our fingers that Vandy gets a bid to the Cotton Bowl next year