Mrs. Fields Makes Fatty Cookies to Tame Cheating Husband

The cookie baroness, Mrs. Fields, has filed for divorce from her husband of 10 years. She was unavailable for comment, but her lawyer made a statement, saying, “Mrs. Fields is a victim of years of indiscretion from her husband and is merely looking to finally put all this to rest and move on with her life.”
This celebrity split should come as no surprise to anyone familiar with the recent headlines filled with rocky details of the couple’s troubled marriage. Mr. Fields, more widely known as fizzled out rap metal frontman of Limp Bizkit, Fred Durst, has been slightly more proactive in the divorce proceedings.
Mr. Durst has foregone the usual legal representation in order to afford a team of private investigators to infiltrate the Mrs. Fields operation in an attempt to uncover any skeletons in the closet. This snooping has lead to some startling discoveries.
We here at The Slant had the fortune of being contacted by one of these P.I.s, who had some revealing information about the business model behind the seemingly harmless individually packed treats. According to the P.I. (who has requested we don’t publish his real name), several company bank loan statements show that Mrs. Fields only became interested in the cookie industry after she became aware of her husband’s first indiscretion with another woman.
Several email exchanges to her director of marketing also make apparent her desire for the company to focus on targeting “pretty young girls.”
After we contacted Mrs. Fields with the intent to get her to confirm or deny such claims, she promptly responded in the affirmative, saying, “My husband is going to have a hard time finding any other whores who aren’t super obese when we unveil our dark chocolate cookies.”
She was of course referencing the dark chocolate craze that has misguided many young girls into thinking they’re guiltlessly indulging in a chocolatey treat when really they’re just overloading on body mass-inducing fat.
We immediately got in touch with Mr. Durst, who told us, “Well of course that psycho bitch is fattening you idiots up,” and claimed he knew all about it, saying, “why else would I write a song with lyrics like ‘I did it all for the nookie, so you can take that cookie and stick it up your ass?’ I write from the heart, and this was a little message for my overbearing, soon-to-be ex wife about my little escapades.”
In light of Mrs. Fields’ attempts to keep her husband tied down, Mr. Durst was unfazed, saying, “The joke’s on my wife. Who do you think I was running around with? Bingo: fat chicks. Who else is going to give the nookie to Durst?”
Feeling like the child of a divorced couple, we here at The Slant relayed this message to Mrs. Fields, who simply said, “You know that bastard’s ‘biskit’ wasn’t the only thing that was limp.”
The couple is set to be officially divorced sometime in April.