Here at the Slant we have high standards of excellence. Our articles are always proofread at least once. We don’t associate with the Hustler staff. We have our own dust-jacket (in the form of Versus). Our writers are have been called “beneficent martyrs for truth and journalistic integrity”. This is why I was not surprised when the Slant told me they would be sending me Paris for our new editorial; “The Slant Goes Abroad”.
Those fuckers.
I am in Clarksville Tennessee right now for the “Rivers and Spires” festival. Apparently we don’t have any money for “Paris”. That will have to wait for next year. By that point Obama will probably have thrown some money our way. I hear he’s going to implement a blimp-based system for money distribution. Bombs away.
If you have never been to Clarksville- don’t. I finally understand that Swift’s “A Modest Proposal” was not a satire- he was just referring to this particular destination. The number of strollers outnumbers the number of people. What I’m trying to say is… babies need to be eaten. What is more unnerving is the average age of the parents. In many cases the parents are only a couple years older than the parents. For this to be possible many of the infants are impregnated while in the womb- like human Russian dolls. Open up a baby, what’s inside? More baby.
As I waded through the human ball-pit, I noted the attire of the gastropods around me. Camouflage. Football jerseys. Jorts. And what is that air? Crystal Meth? Or Heroin? And what is that I just slid on? A slick patina of vomit and Coors. Even my sense of taste is on the retreat- the corpulent women next to me hasn’t stopped eating fried… something… and farting, for hours. How do you even eat and fart for that long?!
And then the Pied Piper of Clarksville, Mr. Charlie Daniels himself walks onto the stage- and the place goes fuckin’ crazy. All he does is play a damn fiddle and ohhhhhh my god he’s really good at that. Ok, I take that part back. But still, something about this place has made me realize that Mr. Darwin was right, we are really descended from apes.
You’re probably wondering what gives me the right to be so pretentious. I have never had sex with animals. I have not fried an article of clothing so I could eat it. I’m over the Civil War. Oh, by the way, Go North. I would like to say that this isn’t a commentary on Middle America. I have no problem with that part of the world. Just, please, stay away from me Clarksville.
