Rites Done Right

Every year a two day festival occurs at Vanderbilt University. The Rites of Spring music festival gathers artists such as Passion Pit, Lil Jon, The Flaming Lips, and Wolfmother for two days of music to close out the semester. Students have an intricate selection process of suggesting bands to come perform on Alumni Lawn. But the real fun comes in when you select the real star of the show, the six little cans of alcoholic happiness you can carry in with you.
Sure the most common route to RoS blissful memory loss is the heavy pregame, come down, then post game blackout. But to preserve that almost blackout buzz you have to be smart about what you take in with you. Old Chub, an 8% alcohol Ale, comes in six packs of 12 oz. cans for 10 bucks at frugals. However if you want to save some cash and have your beer to taste like watered down dog piss you could go the route of Natural Ice, pulling in at 5.9% alcohol. A case of 24, “NIce’s” can be picked up for $13.29. If you’re trying to earn some hipster cred you could show up with six Pabst blue ribbons and complain loudly about how much better Phoenix was in 2005. Coming in at 5% ABV $16.49 for a case of 24 you’ll be able to make some new friends with bad facial hair and tight pants.
For the rest of us who can’t bring in little bottles of happiness with us, we need to plan ahead. Look at the schedule and determine which shows you want to halfway remember. Now when you start drinking remember that your body processes about one to one and a half drinks an hour. For example if Cold War kids isn’t really your thing but the song 1901makes you dance uncontrollably you can afford to be blackout until 9:30 on Friday night. So you start drinking Friday afternoon. When you get to the level where your face is tingly and everything is slightly recognizable stop and look at the clock. For each hour you have until 9:30 you can have one shot or one beer. You’ll be able to remember the concert in the morning and as soon as Phoenix’s setlist is over you can grab a beer from a frat boy’s cooler and work back towards that memory less abyss.
This article is moot if you want to experience Rites over. In which case you’re a bitch.