Washington Nationals Fail to Sign President Obama to Contract

As March 5^th approached, many players from around the majors were looking ahead to opening day and the first game of a very long season (we’re going to label the New York/Boston game the night before as “ESPN Marketing Bullshit” rather than ‘The Season Opener”). The “Ace” pitchers were ready to take the mound for their respective teams… but there was one exception. Barack Obama, also known as The President, took the mound to start for the Washington Nationals in their home opener against the Philadelphia Phillies.

This was neither a mistake nor a joke; there was actually a method to this madness. After all, it’s been no secret that the Nationals have had their eye on the Obama ever since the two parties fatefully landed in Washington nearly simultaneously back in 2005. In the midst of the 2007 season, when it was quite apparent that the Nationals had no chance of any sort of success for that season (so in like, early May or something), the franchise began to seriously work towards a long-term contract with Obama. The (at that time) Senator dragged the dealings out, however, claiming he had “better possibilities in his near future.” In any case, no deal was struck.

Talks were idled, what little hopes there were for the franchise wilted, and the Nationals entrenched themselves into two more years of pathetic baseball. In 2009, however, they moved again. The organization realized that Obama was the perfect man to head up their rotation. With little to no baseball skill and a questionable reputation, the Nationals simply had to get him on their team. All through the 2009 season, when other teams were focusing on other, less important things such as “winning,” the Nationals were pursuing their man – Barack Obama.

Opening Day, 2010 marked the culmination of yet another failure by the Washington Nationals. Obama threw out one pitch as if to say “goodbye forever, baseball!” and left the field soon after. When asked why the deals broke down, both sides had differing views. On one ocassion Obama was reported as saying, “The money simply wasn’t good enough – they wanted me to take a cut. Obviously, they think I’m either a great president or a horrible pitcher.” The Nationals said, however, “The deal breaker came in all the small clauses he tried to sneak by us… [he] wanted to change the name to the ‘Washington O’Bombers.’ I mean, we’re the Nationals, and even we know that sounds stupid.” Thus ended all hopes of a new face in the rotation and headlines reading “Obama Leaves Washington; Heads for Washington.”