In a move Saturday heralded as an extraordinarily-large step forward for Big People across the globe, Apple Computers released their Giant iPhone.
“Finally!” said troll Craig McKraath. “With these giant hands and that tiny screen, how was I supposed to twitter while finding that hot sushi joint? Impossible! I still can’t use most of those apps or even get a cell-phone out of the deal, but now I can do what I’ve always wanted to do— read books! Just like I’ve always been able to do. Just electronically. Just for the hell of it.”
For years, fawns, ogres and titans the world over have bemoaned the trend towards smaller and lighter. “Blackberries are devilishly difficult,” said behemoth John Taylor Haagwadeeth. “No really, I was talking to Satan the other day about how he designed that tiny QWERTY keyboard to be just big enough to look attractive, but small enough to frustrate even the most text-crazy 8 year-olds.”
Some fans have seen this as the next step for Apple. “OMG, like, I’m totally their biggest fan! No, really, I’m like 10’ 9” and 950 pounds. But like, the Giant iPhone is so totally Apple! You know, they just make it simple and like work, you know? So like, I totally don’t have to think about it. Yeah, just like, no thinking at all.”
Although not everyone is so enthusiastic; critics claim that Apple has done nothing except expand the iPhone and strip functionality. “As someone who has unusually large testicles,” said colossus Hung Fo Sho, “I was impressed by the balls of Steve Jobs for releasing something that doesn’t multi-task, can’t play flash videos, has no camera and requires typing on a screen. Those balls are the only thing that allow Steve Jobs to be called a “god.”
Perhaps, however, the biggest problem is not within the sleek black case of the iPad. “Wait a minute, what did you say the Giant iPhone was called? Oh man, you had me going there for a second. I mean, I literally have my head in the clouds all day, but even I’m not oblivious. Hahaha, the iPad, that’s a bloody stupid name.”
