Shocking news out of Residential Education today as a new report indicates that students have been attacked by abused furniture at an alarming 420% increase over the recent weeks. A crack news team assembled of The Slant, News Channel 5 and Cletus the Crack Addict discovered that a student, whose name shall remain anonymous, was mauled to death in his room by his door after having his eardrums blown out by his speakers. A local sophomore was found on the scene to be the only eyewitness.
“Well, he was always slamming his door every time he opened it, and he liked to play his music unnecessarily loud, so I’m not really surprised that it had to end this way,” he said. “Honestly, I would have gladly helped out.”
Our reporting staff caught up with Housing Director Jason Jakubowski as he was leaving his second job of tenderizing meat at Honeybaked Ham.
“Well, we’d been hearing all along about furniture being abused,” Jakubowski said. “so, I’m not going to say we didn’t see this coming, but come on… kid was a jackass.”
The Vanderbilt Student Furniture Association has been quick to come out saying that these incidents of violence do not reflect the furniture demographic as a whole.
“This just isn’t fair to highlight the recent rise of extremist and fundamentalist tablism,” VSFA president Sprintz Ikea said. “Not every piece of furniture is trying to rebel against their owners. The media and the press have drawn way too much attention to a very isolated event.”
The murderous door was spared capital punishment by axing or burning but still had its locks replaced against its will. The speaker system was confiscated by VUPD and will either be sold in a police auction or placed in the chief’s living room.
Funeral arrangements for the splintered student have been put on hold fearing that so many collapsible chairs in one area could incite violent, uncomfortable rioting.
